Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[Buxom]

JRuss, thanks for the input and support. I see from reading other threads that detaching takes lots of time and there seems to be an ebb and flow to the process. I take comfort in that we all slip. And we all vacillate, so we rollercoaster just like the WS. I think we all do the best we can and make choices that can be confusing. I know I'm still confused each day. Today is no exception.

Journaling...
Last night he opened up a bit by saying he wanted to show me parts of his world and asked if I would like to know. He said it's nothing bad just things he thinks about and some of it has to do with sex. I listened and validated. It's been almost two months since we ML and I voiced that our methods were getting too routine to both of us and he agreed. There also has been way less sex over this past year due to the cancer treatments. I think I copped out and relied on his understanding. I think we only did it 5-6 times in the last 12 months. Yikes.
Anyway, I told him I welcomed whatever sharing he would like to do. He said not now as it was 11 pm. I agreed and said I hope he can continue to share when it feels safe to do so. He said he did!

I think this is where I am vulnerable. To have some good sharing and some relational movement, and I have to be careful not to back slide from my hard earned changes. Anyway, after our brief talk, (yay me for keeping it short), he asked for a cuddle and we ended up ML. I was a bit apprehensive at first but it was gentle and comfortable. Although we both made choices, it did kind of catch us off guard emotionally. He was the pursuer. I liked feeling close and did not feel bad when he left to go to his room. Before he left he kissed me and said ILY. When I did not respond right away, cos I was not sure what I really heard, I looked me in the eye and said it again a bit louder. I said ILY too. He smiled, said good night and left.
I'm anxious today much like Blu spoke of in her recent posts. You get what you want and it can still bring negative emotions. I hope I summed up her words ok. Now let's see if he backs off tonight. His first day back to work from holidays.

Man! I want to ask him so many questions! I know he lies and I can't trust what he says. So I don't ask and I let go of that need to know for the umpteenth time this week. I take my lead from him when he's here. Leave him alone and let him come to me or start convo. He did say yesterday that he didn't want to hurt me and he knows I'd like more time with him and wanted to assure me that it isn't that he doesn't want to spend time with, cos he does, and he made a good attempt to connect when he got home. I really had to check myself to not be the crabby wife he came home to after being out a few hours. He did check in with me by phone which I detailed in a previous post yesterday. Lots of little improvements yet I'm not trusting it. I try to enjoy for what it is and we have a few laughed a day so that feels good. I need to continue to get out of my head and developing problems or rehashing them.
Any feedback welcomed!!!

[Buxom]

The pattern is holding true, good day yesterday and withdrawn today.
I did get him to help me with the horses today since D16 was away. It was a good working together experience and short.

[JRuss]

Buxom -- I know that pattern well. I've gotten to where I expect the pullback, wait for it, and then acknowledge it (silently -- definitely not to WW!) when it shows up. It seems to help me, for whatever reason. Over time, I'm maybe seeing some lessening of the force of the pullback when it comes. Or maybe not -- too hard to be a mindreader or omniscient. Hang in there!

[Buxom]

Question/clarification... so he's in MLC and doing ea mostly by phone. WH rollercoastering, doing some touch and go, starting to do some reconnect with me (starting convo, sharing some personal feelings and insights, etc), then withdraws. I'm doing gal, being very consistent, upbeat, I don't text until he does and I'm mostly not responding immediately, still doing DB coach homework of friending and keeping it might, I end calls and convo, detaching, and many of the applicable 180. If we/i continue this way, is it just a holding pattern? Waiting for him to change or pull his head out of his a$$? Going on with my life yes but is this the thing, watch and wait when it comes to him? I get I only have my life and some influence over him. There cannot be a healthy R without two healthy or recovering people. So we don't rock the boat, meaning do no more harm? Do I live as if the miracle is happening and and we are becoming a unified couple again? I'm just confused. The lighthouse analogy would seem to be watch and wait but is there more? Thanks everyone!!

Journaling...
Woke a bit more relaxed today. That is until I hear WH in the other room dictating very quietly into his phone. I could only catch the odd word, regardless I ended up feeling anxious and wondering about who he was texting and what was the message. Not good detaching. Was it a trigger?
He later came to my room and started to chat and tell me a bit about his day.

[Buxom]

Jruss, thanks for your message. I guess we just have to be patient with their fog insanity. I'm reading the solo partner book and it's helpful with regard to lowering defensiveness and reactivity. I'm practicing daily. It's tiring to be on guard a good part of the time. Maybe that is hindering me?

[Cherry]

Wow, it's been a while since I checked in on your thead but things are moving into a better direction. I'm oh too familiar with the closeness then withdrawal the next day. Last time I went through this with my wayward this became a frequent pattern. The best advise is to remain consistent with your actions. What you have been doing has been working and he's started to come closer to you. So you remain consistent, try not to let it bother you too much, clearly what you have been doing has been working and he has began to make him soften.

Keep steady, he's in a fog and all over the place. So the best thing you can do is remain constant.

[Buxom]

Cherry, thanks for the sharing and validation. It's so difficult to remain calm and consistent when he's up and down, doing what he's gonna do when he's gotta do it. It feels so wrong to not confront, repeat boundaries , question him for details and then not wanting to trust his answers. Then I remember, this is about him, he's lost and doing what he can to make sense of his life/mlc and it's voids for him. It is good that he's coming around, however I get too attached to the positive outcome and then feel worse when he withdraws again. I see fear in his eyes when he's avoiding and I know he's scared. He has to confront it and fix himself. At least he's trying, I think.
It's also hard to give up the daily texts and calls throughout the day and hugs and kisses every time he left and entered the house. I start to wonder what do normal couples do? We were very affectionate and PT was the norm but I don't see stuff like that with friends of mine. I still miss it. It was our thing. He told me he missed the affection and holding.
So I guess I just have to come to the fact than he will flail around, do replay and I will have to keep the lighthouse operational.

[Buxom]

Interesting convo with WH this morning. Told me he would be late tonight as he'd go straight to AA. No surprise there. When he said he hadn't been there Wednesdays in a long while, I calmly challenged him by saying I thot he was gone most Wednesdays except for last week when he was away helping his dad. He calmly pulled out his phone and checked his calendar. He was able to account for them and I thanked him for the clarification. A sign he is trying??

He then mentioned a Tom Cochran concert Friday night and asked me to go. I said I was planning to go and it would be lovely to have us go together. I then ended the convo by saying I better let him go since he had to travel to the city for work today. He kissed me and said, have a good day love!

He's still pretty self absorbed as he doesn't often ask what I'm doing, but that's ok. I notice the little things he does do and when he does turn his attention to me. And I have the perspective of knowing he's in MLC.

[Buxom]

Ideas please... I blew it this morning and last night! WH Marci made plans for this concert tomorrow evening. Now his AA buds invited him out and again he was torn between them and me, just like the movies August 8 previously documented here. He spend the door hat I join them. I agreed and was calm and positive. He then looked anxious and I said so. He wondered if I'd be uncomfortable, I said "no, I've met most of them before." He said "maybe we should go and he would just go visit them in the audience", it's an outdoor lawnchair type event. I said no that abandons me, I'm fine joining in. By now I felt entrenched and still wanted to go with him. I know I've clubbed my head with many 2x4s already. I asked if OW would be part of the group, he said maybe. She's supposed to be ex OW but I think an EA continues, just my fears and intuition.
At my Alanon mtg this morning the ladies told me to back out, let it go and make other arrangements like go with another friend or do something else.
I had felt good about stating my needs and sticking to my funding the discussion last night but felt less certain this morning. To add insult to injury, I woke early and WH did too. I said good morning and asked if I could join him in his bed for a cuddle. I know, old behaviours and it was needy and clingy. Hurts just to type that.
I think I know the advice but let me have it anyway. I can take it.
I feel like my stomach is ripped open. I hate my pursuing and I hate feeling left out, left behind, and rejected. On the one hand I could show him how cool I am and fun on the other hand, he likely won't see it that way. I hate this!!

[AndrewP]

Buxom - I didn't realize you were Canadian too!

I think that you made the right choice by going. AA is an important part of his life as are these people and if I understand it, it's a long road that he's on there and being part of that journey with him would be helpful.

The main piece of advice I would give you though is to "sparkle" when you're there. As hard as it may be, pretend you are having fun and get to know people. I find the best way to make small talk is to try to identify what the other person is interested in and let them drive doing validation practicing to keep them talking. Don't hover at H and do your best to ignore OW or pretend that she's the "good twin" without being rude. You may want to pre-set a deadline of when you want to leave and get H to agree to it and / or perhaps some sort of safe word that if "either" of you are getting uncomfortable you can have a plausible explanation for excusing yourself.