WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[SH_]

I agree that I may never know about her reasons, for leaving or figure out answers that bring closure to the sitch.
I think my challenge is trying to understand my own emotions and or lack there of.

3 months ago I was an emotional wreck and wanted to fix everything with her.
Now, I can't muster up a single feeling other than annoyance at her occasional outburst or passive aggressive behavior. I can't see any possible future whatsoever where she could actually do enough for me to want to reconcile.
Detachment is the ever elusive action around here. Yet I think I flew past that to indifference. She rattled the hell out of me up to her moving out and just a couple of weeks after, then, well then I do not find any emotional feelings now except the occasional sense of pity for her. And that is not an emotion that I want. I want to forgive her, but not sure I can in this state of mind..........now I just babble on. Ugh. I guess the lack of feeling is better than the alternative hell I was in for a number of months, right?

It is me that I seek to understand. It is my own internal demons that I can't seem to make sense of.

[Cherry]

Lack of feelings I'd say is way better.
Detachment has helped you see your worth, it's like taking off the rose tinted glasses and seeing her for what she is. And that person you know is not one that is good for you.

Be excited for the future, you truly deserve a happy life.

And I like phoebes councillor advice that maybe part of the process is accept that we may not ever know. Good advice I will use as the trying to part leads to more hurt and confusion

[PsySara]

Cherry has the Wise on this one.

I think the primary lesson in DBing is learning about what we can control and how to let go of what we can't control. Once we manage that elusive tool then it can be applied across the board. It makes sense what you're feeling, SH, you have realized that you cannot accept the WAW back but rather someone who has made themselves a healthy, safe person. I think I am starting to get there. I am willing to take back my WH if he shows true remorse and most importantly, the desire to make himself a healthy man. But for now he is doing "more of the same" in a negative way so I am giving myself a temporary reprieve.

[JksD]

SH,
Don't be too hard on yourself. Forgiveness is for yourself.

When you're ready, you will. Forgiveness is a journey and the timeline is rather fluid.

[Phoebe]

Hi there, Sparrow Homme. I'm just doing a quick drive by because it's almost 3 am in my neck of the woods, and I really need to hit the hay.

It's time to cut yourself a whole lot of slack, my friend. You took a long walk through hel1, and you came out a bit damaged, as we all are, and then you kept walking and you came out feeling indifferent. What could possibly be wrong with that? It's how you feel, therefore it is completely normal. It may last, or it may not, but it is an emotionally safe state for right now, and that it a very good thing. Don't over-analyze things and turn it into yet another weapon to beat yourself up with.

It is what it is. It is a form of self-protection as far as I can see, and it will last until you are ready to process things further. Enjoy it for as long as it lasts. Maybe it will be permanent, but more likely it will come and go. Some days everything will roll off you like water off a duck's back, and other days.... well, not so much.

Enjoy the neutral days, weeks, or even months. I suspect that they too shall pass.

[JksD]

SH, as for the demons, sometimes I run from them. Sometimes I hide.

When I feel strong enuf, I face them and fight.

I choose my battles.

A hug for one of my fav dbers.

[rich4j]

SH-

Your post hit home. To me and I am not an expert by far but have been going thru similar emotions, I think you flew to indifference

I have read about detachment detachment detachment but for me its hard to grasp. You can't spend 10+ years with osmeone or even less and just easily detach IMHO

You just get to a point of being tired of the emotional rollercoast and have found that its wasn't just you and it wasn't just her. It was both. And maybe just maybe that you put up with things that you should not. And to be fair...maybe she/he was putting up with things they didn't want to and that is why they left or started to leave .....whether its a PA or not.

I personally have gone thru alot of emtions and feel indifferent. I had to move and sat there last night in my new place with my dog crying for a bit. Saying what and how did this happen...but I know what happened. I felt some anger and resentment for being in this spot and knowing that its a joint effort that I got here and not just me.

You mentioned about "taking her back" and not sure if you could. I doubt you could UNDER the current state. It would have to be a journey and on your terms if that day did happen. I feel the same way...I think my STBX has started to wake up and I really "dont care" right now...I feel like you....kind of numb and indifferent.

[Phoebe]

Good Morning, SH. I'm taking a procrastination break from my fhouse-cleaning (which is, itself, me stalling on my financial paperwork nightmare!!!) to check in on you and wish you a good day.

I think that we all need to stop wondering if what we are feeling is good, bad, indifferent, normal, pathologic, or _________. (Fill in the blank)

It is what it is. We are where we're at, and we're all just struggling to make sense of where our life is headed. Looking backward and wondering how we got here just keeps dragging us back under the water. I have a friend that is struggling with this mightily right now. I wish I could help him see this, but I think that the realization that the present moment matters more than either the past or the future is one that must be arrived at on one's own. Meanwhile I just try to be a gentle reminder that the past is immutable.

[Phoebe]

Where oh where is my dear friend, Sparrow Hawk???

Missing his input... I need to start a new thread, but I'm feeling a bit numb/low/blah/annoyed these days and am having a hard time mustering up much ambition about anything right now. I think I want to just sit home alone for a week or two, but that's not good, either. Sigh.

Anyway, just checking in on you.

((((((((SH))))))))

[JksD]

SH,
Checking in on you. How are you? Dun be too busy with the the GAL (poledancing) activities to check in once in a while.

I am going to check out that instagram account that you mentioned but I think I will have to give the new pole at my new place a miss. Reality hit and I realised that I wouldn't be able to twirl wouldn't hitting the furniture.