Keeps getting worse, 180 not working

[Buxom]

Day two. Doing ok. Did lots of things outside and only cried in the shower.
Lawyer appt on Thursday. WH seems all relieved and relaxed and doing his own thing. I guess I am too.

[JRuss]

Hope you're doing ok, Buxom!

[Buxom]

Jruss, thanks for checking in. Hope u r doing ok.

Day seven. He's been gone from home for four days. Says he'll be home tomorrow. Been at his dad's helping out after a tornado went thru. Not sure what to do or say when he gets home. He's checked in by texting. We r both still hurting.

[Buxom]

WH arrived home today after five days away. He kept in touch by text this time and I got good morning and good night texts. Our talk eight days ago seems to have settled him. He's more even but still sensitive and easily withdraws. I can handle that.
He reached out to a counselling center to do some with of exploration regarding his childhood sexual abuse and the resulting masks and MLC. He asked me to walk this path with him as he explores his past and future. There are no guarantees he was quick to add but for now he doesn't want D. This is just one more layer of stuff we have to deal with on top of A, EA, lies, MLC, and the fragility of our marriage. He brought home resources and books from the first session yesterday and is eager to share the talk with me tomorrow.

I do want this to work for us, I'm just really low on patience and fortitude at the moment. I want the quick fix, good luck with that I know!!! Lol. I'm GAL ing and getting a bit better at detaching.
For example, he delayed his return home by one day and today is our 22nd anniversary. Well he did not get home until 5:00. I was getting irritated (due to expectations) and once I realized it, I worked on not being annoyed or confrontations when he got home. I'm sure he was expecting a hard time but I greeted him warmly and kept it all light and fun. Good laughs over supper and then he was gone to AA.
My mind is truly my worst enemy and I'm working at keeping my imagination under control!!

[Buxom]

Question.... what is your take on why WH does not respond to a kind gesture, as per DB coaching advice? I'm in the friending and listening stage. After his counseling session on Friday, (yes he did go!!)he has been chatty, asked for a cuddle and has shared some of the stuff with me. I sent him a Facebook message in the form of a YouTube song and there was no reply or acknowledgment. I am not taking it personally, I'm just curious about what it may mean. I'm trying to to over think it so I thought I'd ask for feedback thoughts so I don't have to go there in depth like I usually do. The 180 stuff is helpful to do on me. I do the opposite I would do for myself so this is an experiment for me.
Thots on my question?

[AndrewP]

Maybe he didn't know it was a question / needing a response? He's perhaps also pretty overwhelmed with trying to get his act together and may need space to process things.

[Buxom]

Thanks Andrew. I appreciate the male views.
I guess everything is so backwards right now. In the past, that is long gone, he would say thanks or send a heart back. It's my insecurity showing and not wanting to mess up anymore than I have. I guess in part I'm still looking for the old guy and for validation, yet my intent was to convey some understanding of him thru the song. It was also sent to him for our anniversary. as I re-read this, it Looks like it was maybe more pursuing than I first thot?

I've reached another level of detachment this week that is hard to explain. I am able to greet him in a friendly manner when he comes home late and I'm not so reactive as per explanations and guidance from the solo partner book. He is more relaxed and also more talkative around me. It is a good turnaround following what DB coach advised. The 180 is for me and the DB is for us.

[Sotto]

Hi Buxom, yes I think your reflection on the song was good - it was pursuit. Particularly if the content was emotional...perhaps too much for him and he withdrew?

Try to watch out for your own neediness. Don't seek validation from him just now and learn to live more independently of him, validating yourself. Respond pleasantly when he initiates, but try to initiate little and have your own stuff going on. Are you making plans for you independently of him? It's a good idea I think, and it gives him a little space and time to process things. Plus it builds your confidence and brings some pleasure at a trying time.

Sounds like you are making progress with the detachment, and you've seen a different response from him - on a good track there I think.

xx

[JRuss]

Buxom -- re the video, you've been making progress by detaching, which gives him the space he needs to come toward you. The video, though, was pursuit, albeit pretty mild, and something that a well-functioning, adult human could certainly handle without it causing angst. That's not your husband, though, at least not right now, so he for whatever reason compels these people to do so felt motivated to pull back and not respond.

Keep detaching -- it really sounds like it is working for YOU, with a possible added benefit of helping your relationship.

[Buxom]

Soto, thanks for the thots. It was an emotional song by Jason mars, I won't give up. Cringing now. It talks about giving space etc. He has been more present when he is home and daily now asking to be held, starting convo and doing little things for me again. I could have blasted him for going to the movies last night instead of being home with me. I told him to go and you could hear the relief in his voice on the phone and he said it's not that I don't want to be with you... I said well you r off the hook, enjoy, see u later. I could have got upset and cried or been mad or cold shoulder when he got back but I didn't. I'm proud of me for that as I took care of my own emotions and did not put pressure him. I did a lot of journaling after that and was quite settled when he got home earlier than I thot. I so realize my neediness and hear it when he said sometimes he gets very anxious around me. I also realize that this behaviour could be cake eating. I am following the DB coaching tho along with many 180 aspects.The benefits of staying calm, not questioning him, not sharing my feelings and blaming, so far, has been more and deeper communication, physical closeness, and him saying he wants to share more of his take on his world as it's become. No details on that at present and we haven't yet spoken in detail about his counseling session. It seemed to be a good turning point. Thanks again Soto. Keep the insights coming, I'm in full life review mode and want to examine all aspects of who and what I've become.