Lost at the moment (2)

[sandi2]

Problem in my case is that since I found out about the affair, she has been very open and transparent about most of it (maybe more than she should be).

Unless she is working toward reconciliation and repairing the MR, I really think her being open and transparent about what she and OM are doing in their A is NOT appropriate. I would strongly encourage you to stop her from discussing details between them, if the A is still going on. Unless, and until, the time comes that she is willing to work on the M, it's disrespectful of her to discuss the woes of her infidelity with the one she's cheating on.

That's JMHO, and maybe I am not understanding everything.

[lfm]

Yeah, I'm conflicted about that as well. On the one hand there's things I don't want to hear, but at the same time, taking a long time view, I think if we do ever get to the point of reconcilliation, it will speed up the process as we won't have to go through the step of me asking questions about everythign I feel I need to know about the A.

The other thing that I've started realizing is that my being there for her to "vent" about the A is that I've continuing prior behavior of "Nice Guy Syndrome", thinking that if I let her vent to me, it will keep us communicating and connected on some level. Don't know if there is any validity to that or not, but something I need to think about more as well.

One other thing, I just realized our 21 wedding anniversary would be this Friday. That day may be kind of rough as we'll have family and friends reaching out to pass along congratulations. No one outside of my W, myself and the OM know anything about what is going on. That's going to be an interesting day...

Oh well... back to work.

[doodler]

Yeah, I'm conflicted about that as well. On the one hand there's things I don't want to hear, but at the same time, taking a long time view, I think if we do ever get to the point of reconcilliation, it will speed up the process as we won't have to go through the step of me asking questions about everythign I feel I need to know about the A.

lfm,

I find you exasperating. (Have I said that before?) You don't need to worry about reconciliation, you need to worry about OM2, OM3 and OM4.

[lfm]

Hey doodler, I do agree with you that I need to worry about OM2 and so on, however, if we don't reconcile at some point, then future OM are not really my concern, as we'll end up going our separate ways and she can be involved with whomever she wants at that point.

[lfm]

So update for the group. #$%! hit the fan at work yesterday. I manage a small team of people in my job. One employee in my office and one in another state.

A month and a half ago I had the employee in my office accept a position in another city, and we've been working on re-writing the job description to better align with responsibilities going forward. Yesterday my employee in the other city gave me his resignation. So once he's gone, I'll be doing the work of 3 people until I can get replacements hired and trained. Probably looking at 2-3 months before things calm down again, and that's being optimisitic.

Anyway, that lays the background for a short conversation with my WW last night, where I told her about my employee resigning. Following that, I said that this means that I'm going to have to focus on work going forward, and that I can't be invovled with our relationship anymore that it's too much of a distraction. I explained that I can't be her friend that she goes to to talk about things with the OM, that we can't be doing things together anymore (we would still go out to dinner or see a movie from time to time). That I'll most likely spend all of my time at home working for the foreseeable future.

So I'm basically going dark for the foreseeable future. I did tell her that if there is something with the kids or the house by all means let me know what's going on, but that's the extent of what I can be involved with at this point. I told her my job is the one thing in my life right now that I need to make sure I have under control, and that's where my focus needs to be.

I realized this situation is helping me dettach as I had been checking cell phone useage, etc. and have not had the desire to do that at all this morning. We'll see how the next couple of weeks go, but man have to say when it rains it pours!

Hope everyone is having a good start to this Tuesday!

[lfm]

Journaling here:

Been very dim the last couple of days and got my first temp check this morning. As I was getting ready to leave for work, W asked me about what I though regarding an old 401(k) she has, should she roll it over to the plan with the company she just accepted a full time job with or should she roll it over to the brokerage company I work for?

Told her I could take a look at the plan she would get when she gets the details and give her my thoughts at that time.

Anyway, having a good start to the day, and thanks for the fun back and forth on your thread this morning doodler, definitely helps keep the mood light during what's been a really long week already.

[lfm]

So, I've realized that I have become a WAS, I have no interest in trying to move forward with my wife. I no longer feel hurt, anger or resentment towards my WW.

I do feel bad for our kids as we will end up splitting up the family, and selling the house we just moved into. But at the end of the day, as nice as it is, it's just a thing. There will be other houses, other cars and the like, none of which is a need, they are all want's.

I've also realized that I accept my role in getting us to this point, it definitely not something that just happened with my wife. While she chose to get involved with the A, I certainly helped put her in the mindset to make it okay in her mind and never paid attention to what she was trying to tell me.

As I noted previously, things are going to be crazy busy at work for the next couple of months, so may be a little bit before I file for D. My W still seems to be in this fantasy world that we can be firends, live in the same house, and keep things together for the kids. I told her last night that all of that goes away, that I'd commit to stay in the house through the end of this school year as my oldest daughter is a Senior this year, and I don't want to cause any more disruption in her life than is absolutely necessary.

Funny thing is that my W keeps wanting to push of any discussion with the kids about the possibility of us getting divorced, she still has not told any friends or family about what is going on, and I think is in denial about the situation she has now created. Unfortunately, any change in her at this point is going to be too little too late. I think I'm in a simmilar spot to doodler at this point - I don't think I could try to date my wife again. She's become this manipulative person that I have never seen before. I see her playing both myself and the OM, stringing us both along thinking she can both in her life.

I'm okay with all of that at this point, and am ready to move on with my life without her. Doen't mean that there won't be challenges as I start that journey for myself, but I actually feel more at peace now that I've made that decision than I have since BD back in April.

Sad thing is our 21 wedding anniversary will be tomorrow, but there won't be any celebration, I don't even know if I'll buy a card to give her. Should be an interesting day as friends and family reach out to pass along Happy Anniversary wishes.

Hope everyong has a great day today! I know I will as I'm finally feeling like I'm in a good place.

[doodler]

lfm,

I'm sorry that your marriage has crumbled, but I'm glad that you sound strong and the LBS fog is clearing.

If it weren't for my IC, I'd probably still be feeling my way through the fog. I don't see her regularly anymore, but she was a key component of my recovery from the shellacking my WW gave me.

Good luck going forward. You've changed a lot in a short amount of time and you're going to be just fine.

[lfm]

Thanks doodler! Totally agree, that I've changed a lot in the past 5 months and that I will be fine on my own once I get there!

[lfm]

Having an emotional morning this morning. It's what should be a celebration of my 21st wedding anniversary today. Already getting texts wishing both of us a happy anniversary.

Unfortunately it's making me sad for the first time in a while, which is making me rethink if I really want to proceed with filing for D. Might just be a temporary emotional day, but is definitely changing my thoughts on the situation today.

Hope everyone has a great Friday and look forward to reading about everyone's weekend activities!