A new day is approaching

[job]

Happy Birthday to your youngest daughter! I'm sure she enjoyed her special day w/her friends and her father. I'm also glad to read that your xw did send her flowers and I do hope she decides to put them in a vase and enjoy them...after all...it's not the flowers fault that her mother hasn't grown up.

The memories that you and your daughter shared on her special day are priceless and she'll always remember them.

[Cld]

It looks like she is entering the 4 th stage of midlife crisis, depression.
After this one there will be withdrawal and acceptance. Acceptance is when they come back. It could be another year or two before she comes back physically and to her senses as well. Hopefully it will be less than a year.

[Irish M]

Hi Job thank you :-)
Yes my D14 had an amazing day,
I might of either dislocated my big toe yesterday on the trampoline. I tried a few moves that when I lamded my toes would flex back quiet a bit. I can walk but can't put much pressure on it. I have another full day planned today so it should be interesting. I'll go to the hospital after today's outing.

Hi Cld
Not sure what you read but I don't agree on where my XW is. I see it more her having worries about her mothers own depression and putting it all on me. None of this is her doing.

You are a very positive person and I see you have a strong hope for these MLC's to come back. Not only for your own sitch but for many here.

LBS have their own stages. I think you are in denial. Nothing wrong with that but eventually you will one day have to accept that some don't come back. In hoping for it you may just set yourself up for more hurt.

Live your life my friend, don't think about the chance of the MLC waking up and coming back. I don't mind you telling me mine will wake up and want to come back one day. I dropped the rope, no expectations and no hope. Where I will be if she does is my own choice. Just be careful you don't creat false hope on other sitchs. Let the LBS decide and have their own hope if they want it.

And you can't assume where the MLC'r is in their tunnel or path. Nothing is certain.

[Cld]

Irish,
I think she is sad herself, but she doesn't want to admit it and she is trying to make it sound like her mother is the one.
Is she asking for your daughters to meet MIL together with her?

[Irish M]

Cld,

If she is sad she is sad, I won't speculate.
If she verbalize how she feels she is clearly still lost.

I'm not looking for her. I'm looking and found me.

She didn't nention the girls and her at all. Just that her mom is not well and if ever I wanted to have them call her she would be happy. Also to make sued the girls don't reject her on the phone because that would kill her. She added the comment " unless that's what yo want"

So clearly not well this XW of mine .

It was yesterday's message and today's a new day.

Cheers
Irish

[mleigh4]

Hi Irish,

Amazing job on your daughters birthdays. They both sound like such fun times and memories they will have forever.

You sound very strong and grounded. I love that you have settled into your new you and new life. It's what we need to do when the rug is pulled from under us. It's also a great example to your daughters. None of us know what will happen to our spouses, we just pray and hope the best for them. In the meantime, we must continue to live and love, the way that works best for us.

I am cracking up about your toe. Not that you hurt it, but the way you did. I can see you explaining to the doctor that you were getting crazy on the trampoline at your daughters birthday! Lol. It's something my own H would do. I am so happy to hear you are laughing and having fun.

Much love Irish,
M

[job]

Be careful when addressing the stage of MLC. Depression is experienced throughout the crisis because it is one of the main ingredients. There will come a time when they will experience a very deep, dark depression and yes, withdrawal will play out as well, but you can't assume that it will go stage 1, 2, 3 or 4. They bounce back forth from replay to acceptance. Once they settle down and are in acceptance, that doesn't mean that they are ready to return because they truly need an additional 18-24 months to settle down and feel comfortable in their own skins. Will they want to come back? That's anyone's guess, but that's far down the road for many people who are posting. By that time anything could have happened. Some will try to reconcile, others will think it's too much work, some will have too much pride to try and yes, there are those who come to realize that their spouses have moved on and are quite happy solo or have remarried.

Also, the time frame is just a measuring stick. No one knows just how long they'll be running around in MLC. Some can be as short as a couple of years or longer than 7, 8, or more. It all depends upon the crisis individual and as for the stages and time frames, they are just a guide and you can't put stock into how long they will be in crisis nor how long each stage will last because it person is unique, just as their crisis is. The best thing to do is live your life to the fullest and, if and when, they do attempt to reconcile...just remember, you are the one that will decide whether to try again.

Cld, I do hope that things work out for you and your family. But, please, don't put your life on hold while she's out there circling earth. Life is far too short to do that...continue to enjoy life and who knows...she just might see that you are enjoying life to the fullest and will do everything in her power to catch up w/you.

[Cld]

Job,
I agree with you with everything you said and me personally I am doing great as a single and I could live like that forever. What keeps me awake at night are my kids crying and saying "I want mommy and daddy to be together", and there is nothing that I can do about it. I can't believe that a woman can't feel all the pain and the damage that she is doing. I made a big mistake in marrying a woman who came from a broken family and now my kids are paying the price. It breaks my heart that there is nothing I can do to reduce their pain other than waiting and they know that. Kids that come from broken families are more likely to use drugs, drop out of school, commit suicide, become criminals and have broken families themselves. I hope that idiot of my wife and her mother will understand it soon.

[job]

Cld,
There are many who come from broken homes and have gone on to become successful people. Just become someone comes from a broken home doesn't necessarily mean that they are likely to use drugs, drop out of school, commit suicide, become criminals or have broken families themselves. There are some that do this...but I've seen many who come from broken homes, face the issues that they experienced as children and go on w/their lives, marry and stay married and have good children and productive lives.

You could have married a woman who came from a stable home and she could have had a crisis any way. Why? Because somewhere along the line someone in authority may have stunted her emotionally. Their childhood issues don't always revolve around their parents.

I believe your wife does feel the pain and right now, she is choosing to behave poorly and until she actually faces those demons, she'll continue to do so. She is of the mindset that she survived what happened to her in childhood and she thinks her own children will survive as well. Of course, this is not always the case...but if you are there for your children, listen to them, validate them, reassure them that you will always be there for them, and don't make promises that you may not be able to keep, they will grow up and remember that you were there for them.

Try to keep an open mind...not all crisis people come from broken homes. Some crisis people actually come from families who have parents that have been married for many years.

[Cld]

Job,

As referenced on another site, it is stated that the chaos child scale that goes from a single mom who drinks, uses drugs and has 3 kids with different fathers all the way to an intact family where the parents are together and love each other.
The first 15 years of childhood greatly affect the future of the children and I have seen it with my own eyes as well.
I grew up in Italy and none of my friends at school had divorced parents, absolutely none of them in elementary school, middle school and high school. All my friends were emotionally stable, none of them used heavy drugs, had teen pregnancies and even remotely thought about committing suicide. Since I moved to the US I have seen several teens pregnant in my wife's family, some using cocaine and one 18 year old hanging himself 3 years ago because his girlfriend left him.
Having divorced parents greatly affect children and adults later and I will do the best that I can to spare all this pain to my children.
The lawmakers should wake up to the crisis that Reagan created when he introduced the "no fault" divorce when couples started to get divorced for no reasons. Every generation seems to get worse since then where some "crazy" people even have divorce parties while the lawyers become millionaires at the expenses of children. It's absolutely disgusting , not even animals behave that way.