6 Months since she said i dont love you (4)

[Natus]

Put S5 to bed last night. He has been a trooper through out. I notice that when we get home he checks to see if mummy's car is there. I can see the dissapointment in his eyes but he holds it together.

We chit chat / wrestle before putting him to bed. He went to sleep happy. I on the other hand awake and alone dont feel so happy but no temptations to text her or check what shes up to. Im taking that as a good sign.

[Natus]

Last day with S5 today then wont see him for a few days. Thankfully stbx will pick him up from afternoon class so i dont have to see her for handover. If possible i dont want to see her at all this week. For past month we have been having lunch every sunday to swap son but i just dont want to deal, make conversation etc. I'd rather focus on me and my boy.

I even want to stop texting her pics of S every am and pm ~ i dont know i just feel like when im with him that our life now. Shes not in the picture. Ofcourse it will work vice versa too meaning i shudnt ask what hes up to or ask for pics when he is with her.

How do you guys do it? I want to go full NC but obviously with S thats impossible.

[SmithyC]

Hi Natus - Quick question in your updates you refer to your W as stbx. Is that what she wants or what you have accepted as the likely outcome? I only ask as I read your sitch that physical S is still new and that there hasn't been any (as far as I know) legal proceedings to a D.

It sounds great about your positive relationship with your S5. I hope you find that balance of dimness/NC and still able to create a positive environment for the little guy.

[Natus]

hi smithy. She hasnt made any formal steps w the D but it was A consistant message i kept getting from her when we were still in-house and as we s physically shes made herself comfortable at her new home so i've come to accept it as the likely outcome

To be honest its more for my sanity than anything else really.
I dont want to have hope, i dont want to look over my shoulder. I've closed the door but its not locked i think yet.

[SmithyC]

Wishing the best for you. Emotionally detaching with "the door not locked" seems to the right move for you.

[Natus]

New GAL last night. Somehow got invited for dinner and drinks with some expats.

Arrived after spending time at the gym. A home cook Meal and beer was waiting for me, along with some good company. Different circle of people to which im used. First time hanging out with doctors / ward staff. First time hanging out with Germans and to be honest they are more down to earth than i expected.

It was pleasant. Im generally not good at small talk but made an effort. It needs more work.

[Natus]

Forgot to mention got re-invited to another one on Friday. I have mixed emotions, on one side its GAL on the other side sometime i just want to be alone.

[Natus]

Just journaling.

So went to the dinner party after a couple of tins of beer at border. It was nice, met more people. Surprisingly welcoming. Not use to that sort of thing but hey.

Figured out i need to stay away from alcohol cause it made me feel needy, i wasn't thinking about the STXW but another woman. Thankfully did not drunk call or text anyone. phew. Not that i was that drunk.

Also made me to sore to exercise the next day although i powered through and finished my workout. Definitely need to avoid drinking if i plan to compete this year.

Starting to make long term plans, i want to look for an apartment with a pool. My S5 would enjoy that immensely. I've identified one but need to get my finances in order.

Showed the house to a few potential buyers. Hoping some will bite sooner than later.

During handover today asked her if she would be okay if i brought him to england and scotland to visit my relatives. She was hesitant at first cause it would be a 3 week trip. She hasnt been away from him that long before. Also probably dawned on her like it did me that we wont do things as a family anymore. I've stopped feeling sad about it but instead starting to feel excited and looking forward to it. I've already spent many months grieving.

Accepting my reality that its over kinda helps, i think i can start enjoying planning new things. Ofcourse loneliness sets in from time to time but its much preferable than the feeling of being around WS.

Another by product is I dont know if im becoming wayward myself. I have come to realize im attracted to someone but i have purposely not made any moves whatsover despite seeing the person through work almost daily. I reasoned with myself that im waiting for the actual divorce before i would allow myself to date. That and i dont know if im ready and i dont want to ruin someone else with a bad relationship.

[pinn]

Hi Natus,

I have felt the same way before about someone else during this whole ordeal. In my mind, I have to ask the question if WW is willing to work things, would I choose that path or would I be strong enough to not go that route and be with someone else. Otherwise it is not fair to the other person right? (ie see uphills thread, dropped the new girl on a dime). It is hard to not be with someone else, but you haven't even been separated for a month yet. I think it would be a band aide for you.

What are you hoping to compete in? I think I missed that.

[sandi2]

I like the expression you used......"powered through". Easy enough to understand the application to physical exercise. I think it is a good term in explaining how a LBS needs to be proactive in helping himself to survive the devasting fallout of the WW.

You are sounding a lot better, Natus.