Learning, growing and believing....

[Irish M]

Hi Mleigh
You are amazingly strong. Like a switch went off and you took full control of your emotions and life. You son is so lucky to have you as a mom.

Many here should read your posts as they offer so much. Of course Jobs input adds to the information to help someone who is struggling to get through this.

I see your husband is holding his own rope to you. Lol funny how that turned around when you dropped yours.

Take care and hugs to you

Irish

[BrightFuture]

Mleigh, I’m happy to read that you and your S are going great! I think I can relate to what you are going through, even though my H is not in contact with me every day and don’t see him. But, he contacts me enough times to make sure that I’m still here.

I have come to realize he can't let go of me, but he doesn't want me either. It's so twisted. Now, this is mind reading, but I also sense he envies my happiness. I think he sees it is real, and may be what draws him? IDK, just a thought.

This is what I’ve been thinking regarding my H too. Or, in my case, it could be that he would want to get back with me, but just doesn’t know how. Just the speculation on my part though.

People think our situation is so strange, especially how friendly we are, being in the current situation, but they all agree, whatever works, it's better than the ugliness it can be

- Yes, people sometimes raise their eye brows when they hear about my sitch, however, not all them agree with what I’m doing. They are trying to tell me that I should file for D and separate everything with H. I just listen and do what I think is best for me. Your friendship with your H benefits you and you son, so I think you are also doing what is best for you and your son.

I agree with job:

Yes, mleigh, this is a very typical transition. What I'm seeing w/you is that you are finally dropping the rope and accepting him for who he is right now. When you do this long enough, you'll see that he will begin to gravitate towards you, i.e., like a moth to a candle. He senses things are different w/you these days and that's a good thing.

Mleigh, it looks like you are dropping the rope slowly, but surely, and your H sees and senses that. Unfortunately he might not be ready to come out of his crisis, hence not ready to fully reconnect with you. And this dance could continue for some time. It is exhausting, but it looks like you are getting a handle on the whole situation, while also feeling good about yourself and the direction you are going to. Take care!

[mleigh4]

Irish, big hugs back. You are the amazing parent here. What you have done, to provide your daughters with a secure, stable, loving home is truly admirable. Your compliments mean a lot to me

Bright, so good to hear from you. I agree, your H hold onto that tie with you too. So many times, I sense my H feels and wants more, but isn't ready and doesn't know how to go about just saying that (like Lou's H did) Instead, I get the typical speech.

For instance, today S and I went to his place to clean out the RV to get it ready to sell. He offered me a glass of my favorite wine. I asked, why do you have that, you don't even drink wine? He stumbled around, said he has had it forever.....huh?? Why does my H have my favorite wine on hand? I declined by the way, I hate being at his place. I packed up stuff and left. I also declined another invite out to dinner, just not feeling it.....

So Bright, I guess it's best we continue on our way. I feel that's best for me. If they catch up, then we decide then if we could ever be more than the friends we are. For me, for all H and I have shared, I see us always being friends and in each other's lives. It's hard for me to see any more than that.

Job, q

[mleigh4]

Ugh, this tablet makes me crazy. As I was saying....

Job, have you seen many sitches like mine? I know Raine remained very close and friendly with her H, but they had affection in the mix. Is there anyone you can think of who was able to create a balance of friendship and time spent together without any expectations for future R? I would love to see how they handled that.

[mleigh4]

....he even acknowledged it was my favorite wine, never opened.....it made me feel....awkward...

[mleigh4]

Then he looked so disappointed that we didn't want to do dinner....made me feel a bit guilty for not wanting to....what does he want from me????

Sorry, just thinking out loud. I need to go to bed. Good night all

[Sotto]

Hey MLeigh, he was trying to connect with you I think - dinner, your favourite wine etc...

Only you know what works for you and whether you want to spend that time with him. I can understand your feelings about his place and the representation that has for you.

But that's where I think he was coming from...

Xx

[job]

I agree w/Sotto. Your h was trying to connect w/you the only way he knew how, i.e., wine and dinner. You have to remember that he's "challenged" right now w/his own issues and as a teenager/young adult (stage) he's trying to impress you w/the things he knows that you enjoy.

He does sense that you've pulled away and he's back pedaling to find that one link that will keep him tied to you. He sees the changes that you are making and he knows that you are slowly dropping the rope more and more each and every time he's around you. He doesn't know how to deal w/the new you.

As for seeing other cases like yours, I'm sure that there were others that are in the "vault" of the forum. I'll have to think about your question for a while, as we have hundreds walk the path.

For now, stay the course.

[LouR]

Hi M

Want to touch on a subject you mentioned.

So many times, I sense my H feels and wants more, but isn't ready and doesn't know how to go about just saying that (like Lou's H did) Instead, I get the typical speech.

I want to give you an idea of how long it took my from h starting to have thoughts and feelings for me to actually saying something and then doing something.

He has told me he started thinking about me more than usual end of January/Feb 15, at that time I had no contact with him and did not involve myself in his life at all. He then started sending me random emails (I was in the UK at this time), they were unnecessary and generally waffle, until one day late feb when he said he understands if I dont wish to have contact with him. This was him testing the waters to see if I was still talking to him.

He sat on the feelings and thoughts that were increasing until April. This was a phone call (I was back in NZ by then), he waffled on about this and that and then said "I do wonder if I have made a mistake". That is all I got from him at that point. May 15 he rang in a mess, deeply depressed and did not know what had happened or why. This is when he told me about the feelings and thoughts he had been having about me. That is 5 months since they started.

Even though I knew about them nothing happened until September 15 when he understood that I was who he wanted to be with. Oh if it was that easy ......

Fast forward a whole year and he finally in August 16 made sense of everything he has been feeling about me and feels its real and here to stay. He has had a lot of therapy to get him to this realization.

He tells me that he felt a lot of confusion surrounding having renewed feelings, it wasn't supposed to happen, he left because he no longer had them for me, so it did not feel right that he should have them again. He then went through a very long stage of guilt and shame and the only way he could cope with that was by not acting upon the romantic feelings he was having, he just wanted the friendship side because he missed me in his life, enjoyed my company, just could not move forward any further than that stage.

M, it takes a long time for them to make sense of what they feel and how to deal with it. Your h left you, not because he no longer cares for you, but because the love he felt was no longer there for him, in his head he wanted and needed something else. Now you have detached yourself from him mentally, he senses that, he is seeing the changes in you and he will most likely be feeling things he did not expect to.

What he does with these feelings is up to him, it will take him a while to decide. What you do is up to you.

This is only my opinion, but if I were you I would continue on with your own life, you are in such a good place and are moving forward with great strength; you are a great role model to all of us here. IF your h is starting to see you in a different way, then it is up to him to sort himself out and "get the girl", with the knowledge it may be too late. This is where the tables have turned m, you have control over you, your life and where you want it to take you.

Stay sane honey xoxo

[mleigh4]

Thank you Sotto and Job. I guess I sense the attempt to connect, hence the guilty feelings.

Lately I can't stop going back to those dark days. I am feeling my frustration and unhappiness, and the pain....definite depression I was in. Why couldn't H see that I was not myself? That I was going through something? Couldn't he see something was off? These are just questions I ask myself....

So, I mentioned to my mom this weekend, how I have been thinking back to those days, how dark they were. She said, oh ya, you were terrible, it was terrible for S and I to deal with. I know better to try and talk to my narcissistic mother so the conversation ended, but once again, someone I should be able to lean on only sees and voices how they were effected, not what I was going through.

So a big life lesson, another great lesson, that I have learned through this experience......when you see someone you care for is going through a difficult time, that they are not themselves, the person you know so well, you just need to be there for them, and put your own needs aside.

I wish my H was able to do so....unfortunately he wasn't. But I intend to be that person, in fact, I think I have been with H for a long time.

Now, if I could just get my head back and away from that time, the blues I have been feeling might go away.