Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

More thoughts.....

Also at one point H brought up that I left, when I moved out. He said the only reason I came back was to take over the house. I told him that was not true, that I came back because it didn't feel right. I reacted on my emotions and after, I realized it was a dumb move, a dumb choice, for the wrong reasons. Not to mention the guilt I felt of forcing S to live between 2 houses. I told him, I came back because I realized it didn't feel right to me.

I added that obviously his choice feels right for him and I am glad he has found his happy place. And enough of throwing my moving out in my face, that I learned a life lesson from it.

Ugh. I am just so disgusted with him right now. I am trying to be his friend, but maybe that brings expectations with it, no matter how hard I try....is that why it is not suggested?

I also pointed out another truth dart. That his being sad that he doesn't spend enough time with S?...I pointed out that I always invite him to the chance to do so...tarantula festival, school bbq, movies, dinner....and the majority of the time he is either too tired or busy shopping. I said I hope some day he realizes that his choices are the result of his life today and in the future. I said good choices don't just happen, they are learned by having the opportunity to make them, and learning from them, that is, if you are willing.

I know, my preaching is probably going in one eye and out his other, but it sure feels good to get it out. Not sure why this is all coming out...I just feel like I am getting closer and closer to accepting that this is just not going anywhere. In interactions with him, it's just so clear he hasn't learned a thing. He is nice, and friendly, and enjoys family time when it fits in his schedule.....but he hasn't LEARNED anything. He hasn't changed. He is the same H that I was unhappy and unsatisfied with before. I have changed so much, and he hasn't.

The reality is slamming me in the face......

[mleigh4]

So H came back with I have changed but I still play the victim and blame him for everything. He asked if I really believe that he woke up one day and decided to leave just for fun, after I had already left him before and treated him like an intruder in his own home? That he would just up and walk away from a loving adoring wife as I portray myself to have been?

You know, I'm not angry, just so tired of going in circles. It's the same conversation over and over.

So, with no anger, it makes it so much easier to express myself. I told him" I am not saying this is your doing. I myself did not wake up unhappy one day. We did not know how to meet each other's needs and instead of getting help to work it out, we shut down and it escalated. We didn't have the skills to work through it. As for the last 3 years, I have tried. To talk to you. To get us help. I have done workshops to improve my own faults. I took a good look in the mirror. I have learned running from problems is not the answer, but it takes 2 to be in it and his heart no longer seems to be. I am not angry, just disappointed because I thought we were stronger than that. A marriage will always have problems, you work through them and become stronger, as long as love and commitment are there. No one is perfect, no marriage is perfect, we have made bad choices but we are not bad people.... I am not pointing fingers and don't know why you continue to think that. I'm sorry for everything, sorry our S has to deal with this, sorry this isn't getting worked through but remains stuck, sorry we are not on the same page, sorry you have not worked through your anger.

I went through a tough time during the last few years we were together. I was depressed, exhausted and angry for it. I look back at it now and can't believe some of the things I did or thought during that time. I am sure it was not easy for you and I appreciate you sticking by me through it. (Shout out to KML for your words) I wish I had been able to "see" what was happening and gotten some help, but I was in some sort of fog. It's the only way I can does ribs it. In fact, lots of it is blurry and I vaguely remember us talking sometimes, but I was already shut down. Finally, I started to see things clearer and I got things back under control. Anxiety was a big factor, which came after having Brady, and is what yoga has helped me to control. I wish I had been able to talk with you then, but I wasn't. I really didn't understand why I was feeling the way I did. It wasn't you and not something you could have fixed, it was something I had to work through. I hate that it apparently did too much damage for you to get past, but I was always faithful, honest and always loved you "

Geez, H got the message I have always wanted to get! Lol. Sadly it's true and feels good to get it out. I went through my own depression and H stood by me. When I woke up, he was shutting down. I am not validating his actions to bail on his home and marriage, but only validating that I know it wasn't easy for him.

The question remains, with so much hurt done by both of us, can we get through it?

[job]

I am very sorry that your h is still out to lunch and isn't stepping up to the plate when it comes to the responsibilities of being a father. Expectations have a way of disappointing us when someone doesn't met them. You are an excellent mother and even though your h is still somewhat in the picture, you are still hoping he'll step up w/o you having to ask him. Your h is still very much in his depressive fog and only thinks of himself and when it comes to responsibilities, well...that's no on his plate, per se.

I do think that the truth darts are effective, but notice how he takes you down memory lane and continues to bring up when you left and then returned, etc. He's stuck on that and he will be for a while. He most likely felt abandoned when you moved out and it's going to take him a while to get over that, i.e., just like a child. You can talk to him until the moon turns blue, but he's still playing the same old song of pity me. You can't reason w/someone who isn't completely on the same page w/you. For now, he's pretty much "tone deaf" and he truly isn't listening to what you are saying about all that you do. Sure, he has offered to do things...but only if you ask him to do them just like a teenager. Some of them are hesitant to offer because they are afraid of being shot down.

I wouldn't rehash why you moved out, etc. w/him again. You've stated your reasons for doing so several times now and it's time to put that subject to bed.

Can you get through this because of so much hurt? I think you can once he gets thru his crisis.

[mleigh4]

Hi Job, thank you for your input. He is very stuck, and after 3 years, I feel I have moved ahead too far. I didn't sleep much, haven't eaten and feel a bit down. Thankfully I took today off to take S school shopping. Once I take a shower and wash this away, I intend on having a fun day with S, our last before heading back to school!

What I struggle with here is that I don't want to be friends with someone who throws this in my face over and over. Can he stop using this to justify his own bad behavior and bailing out on our marriage? Can he admit that he did some very hurtful things himself? Can he admit that he could have handled our marriage problems a bit differently and healthier? Can he admit that things he did compounded the problem?

I can say I am sorry, I wish I had handled some things differently, I have learned from it and would like to start fresh, with a new foundation of love and commitment to him. Can he say the same? I don't think so.

Because of all of the above, I feel ready to give up, move on and start myself a new life. I am very sad that he is so stuck in his bubble of anger and self pity, but I have long worked my way through that and being I have no idea how long he will take, if ever, I feel ready to move on. He has very self righteous traits, he always has, I don't see him ever being able to do any of the above and that is what I would need to know we even had a chance.

Much love to you guys
M

[job]

You can continue to move on, start a new life and live it. He may or may not ever catch up, but there's no reason why you can't live your life to the fullest. What do you need to move on and start a new life? A divorce? I know that this would be a big step, but my question to you is this...will he file or would you have to be the one to do so?

mleigh, no one knows whether he'll remain stuck and not man up to his own issues and mistakes. He may come out the other side and still have some of his mlc traits that he picked up along the way. I do not think that he can own up to his issues/mistakes w/o some professional assistance to help him delve into his past. I doubt that he would even consider going to see a professional considering he couldn't get himself to your previously scheduled child parenting session.

Whatever you decide to do, I'm here for you. You've made great strides in healing and surviving his crisis. The most important people right now are you and your son and what can provide a healthy environment for the two of you.

[mleigh4]

For me, moving on and starting a new life means letting go of the hope I had that we would be able to work through this. It means not living each day as though my marriage can be saved. It means living each day accepting we are over and will eventually be divorced. It is preparing myself for that. It is not daydreaming about finally travelling together again, or seeing images of us together. It means I need to stop hesitating on giving up, to stop trying to save this. I suppose it is dropping the rope completely.

As far as D, I know it is coming. I am pretty sure it would not be him initiating it. I expect it will be me and I will when I need to.

I have always had hope, it has always been there, but after hearing the same rant AGAIN, I see he hasn't moved, for 3 years. I feel I have done all I can do, including my last attempt at a growing friendship. I don't think I imagined the lack of affection or love from him, it's not in him. I need to let this go. It may or may not be MLC, we don't know.... 3 years. The milestone is glowing in my head loud and clear. I have reached my limit. I will not have my own emotional struggles thrown at me as a means for him to justify his actions any longer.

I am letting go of hope and will no longer put any effort into saving or standing for us. That is my way of moving on.

Thank you Job

[mleigh4]

This isn't coming easily. The pit in my stomach is literally painful. I remember feeling this when I finally let go of my first boyfriend after 8 years together. I fought it, tried everything and finally let go. I never looked back. It's an internal knowledge, a state of mind that shifts...

I let H know how I feel. I asked him all the questions above and let him know exactly what I would need, spelled out. The burden is no longer mine to carry.

I don't expect an answer, I don't expect him to do anything I need. I do expect silence and him being his friendly self as if nothing is different.

Although I feel pain, I also feel a weight lifted. I have tried everything I know and I have spelled out clearly where I stand and what I want and need. That part feels good. No more wondering if he knows how I feel, no more game playing, it's all on the table. I didn't think I could ever be able to do that so clearly and calmly. I am in a good place.

Thank you again for listening and Job, thank you so much for your support. You all mean the world to me!

Make it a great day
M

[job]

Please take care of yourself. Grieve the loss of your marriage and have faith that no matter what happens, you and your son will be okay. Give yourself time to heal.

[Irish M]

For me, moving on and starting a new life means letting go of the hope I had that we would be able to work through this. It means not living each day as though my marriage can be saved. It means living each day accepting we are over and will eventually be divorced. It is preparing myself for that. It is not daydreaming about finally travelling together again, or seeing images of us together. It means I need to stop hesitating on giving up, to stop trying to save this. I suppose it is dropping the rope completely.

Hi Mleigh
you know I adore you :-) and I have thanked you more than once for the advise and support that you have given me. One thing I've learnt from this amazing forum is to let go. Live my life, care for myself and my lovely daughters. Do I have flash backs of happy times with XW and our family. Yes.. all the time. Is she capable of fulfilling that position.. nope.

So I cherish the memories, thank her for the daughters she helped raise... and I turn away. What happens in 1, 5, or 7 years is not foreseeable. MLC sure as hell wasn't and it came on so fast.

You getting on with your life and happiness is the only thing you can control. You never know what the future holds. I know you will make it a good one for you and your son.

hugs

Irish

[LouR]

Hey M,

Wow, you have really been doing some internal work on yourself!

I can identify with so much of what you have been posting over the past couple of days, so close to how I have been feeling myself and now today because of it I am continually questioning if reconciling with my h is truly what I want or if he will be able to step up and be the partner I desire to have in my life.

M, choosing to move forward with your life is a great step, you have been working towards this for a long time, healing, growing and understanding yourself and your life is better for it. No one knows what is around the corner, whatever it is, whether your h manages to turn himself around or not, you will be ok and you know this. This is what the journey has been about; finding yourself and the strength you have within you.

Look after yourself m, give yourself time to process what you are currently feeling, let it sit with you for a while before making any new decisions.

I am so proud to know you my friend. xoxo