Learning, growing and believing....

[mleigh4]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2672379&page=11

Ok I tried to link my old thread, not sure it worked!

I hope to find you all doing ok today. It's Saturday and S and I declared it "chill day" so I am looking forward to a good day.

Bttrfly - I love your perspective, thank you for sharing it. Any and all thoughts are welcome, it helps. It's possible H may have been surprised that I already had plans, but I won't feel badly about that. I would have loved to have had dinner with H and S on my birthday, but the option didn't come up until 6:00 that night and was obviously an afterthought. Thanks but no thanks!

Job, I will think about the mixed signals I may be giving and pay attention to it. I suppose instead of saying "I already have plans" I could have said " I would have loved to have dinner with you two, but friends already asked me out" That would have been more open and honest, a trait I am still working on. Opening my heart to a man terrifies me, even more so after this 3 year experience.

Hawho - thank you for the kind words

Bright - I am working hard to stop analysing H actions/inactions. One thing that helps me is to keep H off the R pedestal and keep him on the friend pedestal. The expectations are much lower and much more realistic, especially around special occasions. I still forget sometimes that we are still here.

Lou - I do honestly believe H does not do things intentionally to hurt me. He is pretty clueless, always has been. It's just who he is which always brings me back to wondering, can we be happy together or is this our chance to move on to people we are more compatible with?

This question is not just a reaction to my birthday, I have been feeling this way and posting so for months. It's my dilemma to figure out....I know I will, just moving along until that happens. At the end of the day, I feel like I have learned and changed, but he hasn't. He is still stuck in the same old place, however I see thoughtfulness happen here and there. I sometimes wonder if his state of mind is just to do things together for S, not to be around me. It's like we tolerate this situation for S only, because if he was not in the picture, I don't think we would ever see each other....but who knows.

And to add a disclaimer, I think female hormones played a huge part in my birthday pity party, so now that I am feeling back to myself, things are a bit clearer lol

So I put that all behind me. We are having a work bbq on Sunday at a co-workers ranch for our associate who is moving away. The office wanted me to borrow H frisbee golf and corn hole games. So I reached out to H, asked to borrow the games and added that we would love for him to join us, especially to see S hold the chickens! H jumped on it, said of course we can borrow the games and yes, he wants to come. My co-workers are so excited about it! Lol, here I am calm, half expecting him to flake, and they are besides themselves.

That evening, H TM that he was driving past a park in downtown San Jose on the way home from work and he passed live reggae music and a bunch of people. He said he thought he would just let me know. Well, I'm glad to know reggae music makes him think of me? And I hope it haunts him forever? Lol! I replied how fun that would be. I then (thinking of you Bttrfly) invited him to join S, me and friends to see a movie the next night, or if interested, have dinner with me (while S goes to movie, the other mom offered, knowing our sitch). I added, if he can't do dinner that night, then another time?

Yep, I asked H out on a date. I gotta know I tried everything....

I got crickets, silence.

My aunt took me out to dinner that night for my birthday. My aunt and I are so alike, she is complete opposite of my mom. She is upbeat, positive and outgoing. We had a wonderful time. She told me, don't listen to what anybody says, keep doing what works for you guys. She told me she was very proud of me and felt we were very wise in working through this slowly. She does hope for a resolution soon though, she hates seeing me go through this. Meanwhile, I enjoyed my night and felt very peaceful and relaxed, in spite of being completely rejected by H!

Again, I believe it's not on purpose. I think he is either overwhelmed at work, distracted, unsure....but I don't think he was thinking, I will just ignore her to hurt her. His empathy is nonexistent.

The next evening, S and I are getting ready to head to the movie. I get the TM from H, I am sorry, didn't see my phone until today, was really busy (translation, you are just not important enough) with upcoming after hours work project....but wants to go to movie, but doesn't think he will make it as he is just leaving the worksite 45 minutes away. He says he will TM when he gets home.

I didn't reply, nothing to say.

We get to movie and he calls. I hand the phone to S to answer, he says he doesn't want to talk to him. We were buying our tickets, so I put phone back in my purse. We watched movie, it was really cute. Nine Lives, about a dad who chooses work over family, forgets birthdays and doesn't treat them well, so he is turned into a cat who has to win them over to return.....pretty ironic?

After the movie, I read H TM saying he was exhausted and couldn't make it in time but really would have liked to. I replied OK with sleep emoji's.

Today is his day and night with S, but he has the special project for work, so I have S today and tonight. He will pick him up Sunday morning, have him for the day, then meet up with me for the bbq.

To some, this might all sound promising, like movement. It might be...but I still only see his movement in regards to S. He never mentioned my dinner invite, so how else could I take that? He is not ready or plain not interested, but wants to continue family time....but I still feel it's the right thing to do. Must try all avenues, again, to know I tried everything. If I closed the door on family time, knowing it means so much to H, I would always wonder if that was the wrong thing to do. I see this as our only chance to reconnect.

In the meantime, my door remains open. Someone will eventually come into my world who would love to spend time with me....

H is plan A, but I stay open to plan B. I don't feel bad about it because I continue to try new things and continue to allow H in. I am finding the balance in that, it works right now.... Sometimes I feel my standing has turned into tolerating....

Hope you all have a nice weekend

[bttrfly]

Sweetheart you absolutely should NOT feel badly about having plans!!! You can always re-visit and say something like, "thanks again for my birthday gifts. I'm sorry we didn't have dinner together. My friends and I had already made plans by the time you asked."

You asked him out and got crickets ... could mean a few different things, M ... what hit me was that he might have been so surprised he didn't know what to say.

I think your aunt is right, that you need to do what is right for you. I wish you a wonderful weekend.

I'm right there with you on the "standing or tolerating" podium. Actually I feel like I've moved. I'm now at the "all hope is lost and am I treating my memories to revisionist history treatment?" cafe.

Have a wonderful weekend M xoxoxo

[mleigh4]

Thanks Bttrfly. Right after posting, H TM asking for S and I to meet him for a quick frozen yogurt before he has to head to work. We went and had a nice time. He must have given S 5 hugs, you would think he was leaving for a week. He is definitely connecting with S at a much better level.

I wanted to share a quick story. I have a girl friend from 4th grade that keeps in touch. She got married to her college love, a nice guy who treated her well. About 15 years ago, we had gotten together to catch up and she told me that the sex was boring with her H and she was messing around with some guy from work. I gave her the speech, she eventually cut that off. Her H and her had 2 children, but she remained unhappy and they got divorced. He has remarried and has custody of the kids. She has dated but nothing serious. This last weekend, she posted on Facebook that she eloped. I TM her congratulations. She replied they are a good match, but she is not attracted to him, so it's hard. How terrible is that? I wonder if she is stuck in some kind of MLC. She said she wishes she had tried harder to work things out with her first husband.

There again, those words. Everyone on here should be proud of themselves for standing and taking the hard, drawn out rocky road of fighting to fix your marriage. I hope none of us ever feel that way, that we should have tried harder.... No matter how your sitch goes, be proud of yourself for being a fighter and a survivor.

Much love!
M

[Sotto]

Hi mleigh, that's an interesting story about your old friend. Yes I can imagine XH saying to me in many years to come....you were the nicest W I had...but I guess we all take our own journeys and learn what we need to learn in time.

I listened to a TED talk the other day and she said - when we ask to learn patience, we get a long line at the bank....life is just like that.

I'm glad to hear you have been having some nice time with your H. Yes, it is a mixed picture but there are positives in there. As you say, how much is making your S a priority and how much is genuine fondness for you - I guess time will tell. I think it is always best to remember that he may not have much to offer at this point. Hence the non-reply to your invite etc. If you are able to shrug and keep moving forward, I think that is best...

As you say, who knows what may ultimately unfold, but you being happy with your own choices in all of this is paramount.

Best wishes to you my friend xx

[mleigh4]

Hi Sotto. I am amazed to say, yes, I was able to shrug off the dinner invite avoidance. Who is this person I am? Lol. A much more easy going gal, I am so thankful to you all for that.

So, after meeting H for a quick frozen yogurt on Saturday, I spent the rest of the day and night relaxing. I went onto Facebook and saw a few friends posting that they were at a Kenny Chesney concert in town. I know H is a fan. SO, I immediately wondered, did H lie about working to go? Geez, I haven't gotten that feeling in a long time. I guess that is a downfall of getting closer....so I decided to think this way. First off, if he did, why?? Didn't really make sense. Then I figured, he is the one who has to live with lies if so. And lastly......who cares? Boy, I have come a long way there. I loved having the extra time with S, so either way, I was glad to have him home with me, I was the winner.

The next day, H came to pick up S to go swimming. I needed to go grocery shopping in time to have some appetizers marinate before my co-workers bbq. I was in a bit of a time crunch, but H was happily laid out on the couch relaxing. I finally had to go and asked him to lock up please!

I went to the bbq, half expecting H to flake on coming. H did show up with S and dog in tow. He was happy to see some guys he knows from my work. Everyone, knowing our sitch, was very friendly and inviting with him. We ate, took S to see the chickens and horses they own. We were side by side the whole time. In remembrance of making sure I give H attention, I made sure to do so. We ended up being the last to leave! I could tell H had a good time. He thanked me for inviting him and gave me a big hug when he left. S had fun too, he fell in love with one of their horses. He informed me that he wants tons of horses...just to pet...not to ride! Lol

Monday night I took S to H. We worked out together to have S go on a field trip the next day that S did not want to go to. Kudos to H to talk it out with S instead of just demanding. After dropping him off, I picked up my friend and we went to a private showing, with wine and snacks, to see Bad Moms. I laughed so much and so hard I cried. That is one funny movie! I had a blast and drank too much and stayed up too late!

This morning, H dropped S off early at summer camp for the field trip, then swung by my place to bring home S IPad and backpack. I TM H, do you need coffee? He knocked on the door, I opened, and he said Yes! We sat and had coffee together while he talked about some work stuff. Gosh, did we have a coffee date? I think we did! I was late for work, but enjoyed the time with him, so it was worth it. I mentioned some home projects I would like to do and asked if he would participate? He said yes to participating money, but not the work. Lol

So, I think I am seeing him make time to spend with me, bbq and coffee, we will see how that continues to unfold.

I am tired, 2 late nights in a row, I am too old for that! But I am doing good with testing things out, invites, giving attention, to see how it works for us. I think I have developed some thick skin with him. I feel ok with it, but still yearn for a real companion....

Wishing you all a great week

[bttrfly]

Hi M, wow! Ok, baby steps all good Love to read how your sitch is unfolding. Yes, I know the yearning for a real companion well. . .

time, right?

You're doing great babe! So proud of you! xoxoxo

[Irish M]

mleigh xx,

I like seeing where you are now.. you are diving your own destiny.
You are in control of your emotions. So strong. No expectations.

hugs
Irish x

[HaWho]

Well, there's lots of good stuff there! Nice job letting go of expectations and it's great to see things heading in this direction.

It was interesting to read about the friend and her "grass is greener" plunge. I know a woman who was the OW to a married man who cheated on his wife and walked out on his kids. They ended up marrying (guy and OW) and I remember thinking: why would you marry a guy who is cheating on his wife with you AND walked out on his kids (he financially abandoned them, too!). And she was a seemingly 'normal' woman in the prime of her life!

Well, a few years into their marriage he was off cheating again. They're still 'married' but he lives elsewhere with who knows who. What's interesting is that she is so negative about everything. When I asked how she was doing she complained and said "I never had any choices in my life." Of course, this is ridiculous as all you have in life are choices. You hate to espouse the fire and brimstone stuff, but, in all honesty, her life as OW turned out a complete and utter mess. Hmm.

Anyway, I love seeing your optimism and I have learned so much from you, your journey and your posts.

[123Gwen]

MLeigh hats off to your internal strength and ability to invest and focus on what is important right now. My sitch is entirely different but having a younger child and being open to continuing life as a "modern family" is not just a catchphrase. Sending you admiration and good karma for being you.

[mleigh4]

I want to scream. I just had a long post and lost it all!

So I will try again with a wrap up version.

Thanks to Bttrfly, Irish, HW and Gwen for your continued support.

This week has been busy. S finished summer camp on Wed so I made sure he was covered the other 2 days. H wasn't much help there but he was able to get off early and meet up with me and S at school for the class roster on Friday. That is always exciting and was his first time attending. S is super happy to have class with his BFF. When we were leaving, I invited H to join us for dinner but he had to go grocery shopping. He said to let him know if we go swimming.

Saturday S and I were lazy lizards. I am so lucky to have a kid who enjoys having a lazy day like me! Lol. That night, H TM a pic of some beer he got, asked if I wanted to try it the next day at swimming.

I told him yes, I do want to try it, but S is saying he doesn't really feel like swimming...

This morning, S still didn't want to swim. I let H know, but felt bad thinking he was looking forward to spending time with S. So I invited him over for dinner. He responded "ok let me know when and what time and I will let you know if I'm coming :),"

Um rude! I would never answer a dinner invite that way! So I let him know it, the new me, be upfront and honest, calmly without animosity. I told him, "lol that was a rude answer. Maybe some other time :)"

He replied saying he didn't mean it that way, has stuff to get done today and didn't know if he could make dinner but would try....yada, yada, yada. Always has so much to do, no? So busy all the time....

Ya, it got under my skin.

I told him no harm done, I was busy too getting our son ready for school, sorting through clothes, going through school supplies, compromising a haircut, and it was times like these that I could really use someone to help me out. I told him I was just letting him know, not out of anger, just sadness for the reality of it all.

He replied, what can he do to help, that I was right, to let him know what he could do. That he doesn't know what I have done, what we need and in order to work together, I just need to let him know what to do.

He then called and I went over some stuff, and the haircut came up. Tell me your opinions please, at what age should a child decide how to have his hair? I say, he is a good kid, gets straight A's, is responsible, and likes his hair long. All I want is for him to get a clean up trim because it keeps getting in his eyes.....a compromise. H says we are the parents and should tell him to get a haircut and not have a shaggy mess on his head. I told him, I hope you don't say things like that to him, putting down his personal style, hair, clothes, hobbies, can really effect his self esteem some day. H started in with me being a friend instead of a parent, and off we go! I could literally feel the heat rising in me as the conversation continued and finally told him he has a lot of nerve nitpicking stupid crap like hairstyles, or bath vs. Shower, instead of thanking me for all I do. I hung up on him, and he continued in text. I replied by listing everything I take care of, day in and day out, not just with S but with a huge house to take care of on my own. I told him he does not handle half of the responsibilities that I handle...I asked him, is he signed up for after school care? Are his days off school covered? Are all forms completed and turned in? Are you pitching in properly for his food and care? I said you have no idea how much I do because I do it alone, so think twice before you criticize my parenting because you don't live in my shoes.

He replied again that I am the one who gets all this information and all I need to do is relay the info to him. Lol he just doesn't get it.

I told him, all of this stuff isn't "given" to me, it's homework assignments in his folder to check, it's looking at the school calendar for upcoming days closed, it's planning for his coverage. I told him being a single dad means no longer counting on your ex but learning how to do these things on your own. I said, you always say I am too easy on our son, well, I think I have been too easy on you! Your new life entails being more responsible. I told him to sign up for the school newsletter, get his teachers email address and keep in touch with her for school events and projects. Nobody helps me do this stuff, I do it on my own. I told him he can't depend on me for this stuff anymore, it's not fair to me. I went on to say, I take care of all this stuff because I love being a mom, I love being involved, I build relationships with his friends and their parents, with his teachers and the girls at aftercare, I stay on top of his homework and make sure he is doing it right, I make sure the house is stocked with food, make sure his clothes and shoes fit, make sure he spends time with his buddies and even throw parties for just that, all because I truly enjoy it and unfortunately have been given only 1 chance to do this.

I told him I can handle all this because I am strong, organized, tough and able to cope with loads of responsibilities, like working full time and taking care of a house on my own. I told him I wouldn't change this gift for the world, but only ask that he think about and appreciate the load I carry. I told him he can help by supporting and helping when he can.

So he replies accusing me of no longer working together on S school stuff, that I am not willing to let him know what to help with, that I would rather get mad at him. He said he wishes he had more time with S, wishes he worked 5 minutes from him, that he could bring him to work, that he doesn't have the time I do to do this stuff. That he just wants me to fill him in on what he can do.

So, pity party for him and still no appreciation for me. Nothing new my friends....

I told him, all I have done is work with him on everything. I reminded him that I remember well how I lost 2 hours a day with my baby just to commute and that it was a huge part of the depression I experienced. Now, we are part time parents, not much better and not what I ever wanted, but I have learned to cope and make do. I told him one thing for sure, life does not follow your plan, it has its own. I said, of course we will continue to coordinate things together, but I asked he be more proactive and not depend so much on me. It's not fair under the circumstances. And I told him, all I have ever wanted from him was support, dependability and to know he had my back. Like any good friend. I told him he has that with me.

Whew! I'm exhausted. So, I was able to express with honesty and did not take any direct jabs. I will no longer tolerate his parenting jabs, but do see it as a defensive reaction. Not once did I remind him that his rare time with his son is his own doing! I think I did good with some truth darts in there. Thing is, I have never felt like he is "with" me, always against me.

I know it's great he is willing to help but can't stand that he expects to be told what to do like a child. Then berates his S (to me) for being spoiled. Which I corrected him on. S regularly helps me with housework and chores now. I am also teaching him to be a gentleman by opening and holding doors. H has no idea what goes on because he is not here! And I told him so!

It's time for wine. And a yummy steak to bbq! Thanks for listening and always being here.

Love to you!
M