Thanks for dropping by. When applying dating advice, I apply what is feasible or reasonable to me and that matches my personality. I have learned to be straight forward and honest, not to pretzel myself anymore. Someone says "I wasn't looking for a relationship, but......" I now high tail it out of there. I used to talk myself into thinking I didn't either. Or figure they would come around. So I am honest. I've been analyzing the crap out of myself, and my last dating experience, and I am proud to say I wouldn't change a thing about my decisions and how everything was handled. I would with other experiences, but not this one. Just because it didn't have my desired result, doesn't mean I did something wrong.
You are so right about being over analytical about dating. I realize many people just couple up and give it a shot and it works! We, on these boards, going through divorce just can't do that anymore. Especially those with kids.
Oh, and what I would do to be an animal. They sniff butts, find their mate and hook up, and are as happy as can be.
Maybe I should try butt sniffing...... God, I am gross. It's possible my crude sense of humor drives away men, but that's who I am!
I can't even say I drive them away though. I just don't meet them in the first place.
And thank you ALL of you for having some hope and faith that I will be in a good R one day. I'm going to keep the hope too. it just isn't my time yet.
My child is slowly killing me. She has been becoming increasingly argumentative. And I am not talking normal argumentative for a 9 year old. I mean, seriously argumentative, questioning, and demanding over EVERYTHING. It's literally making me nuts. I've been coparenting with OWW this past week rather than H (weird, I know) and she made a joke when she came to pick her up that lately D9 could give the lawyers in her office a run for their money are the arguing. The camp director mentioned something. We know her father isn't handling it well.
And I am losing my cool too. I lost it yesterday. Not like ex, don't worry. But I have no clue how to remedy this. Especially without backup. I can't tell her to throw a wrapper in the garbage without an argumentative debate. And it is very wearisome.
I did tell her I was going to go to the looney bin if she doesn't stop. She asked what the loony bin is. I told her a place where parents have to go when their kids make them crazy. So she googled it and found out the loony bin is a real thing. she panicked a bit. Not my best parenting strategy, but I am desperate. So when she was starting with me last night, I would just yell "loony bin"
I get a week of no arguing next week. Maybe I am a crappy parent, but I need the reprieve. I'll miss her like crazy, but this momma needs a break.
butt sniffing...that's going in my online profile as an interest! I also think that all kids go through these testing phases...they come and go. At one point we wondered whether my oldest was possessed and were watching for her head to spin! As far as the overthinking stuff...I overthink how to stop overthinking lol. In online dating I've come to the point where I just pull the trigger when my gut says it's not going anywhere. The problem with online is that there is so much you cannot know about the other party...there's so much ambiguity and it's a gold mine for over analyzing. I try not to anymore and remind myself that I don't have to know and understand everything especially that which someone else does. I do what's best for me and also know that no contact is the last one. I discovered that I can make connections very easily and can replace any that come up pretty quickly if i choose to. I don't take crap. Speaking of overanalyzing I had a lady message me the other day and she really liked the photo I'd posted of me standing in front of a LOVE sign. I replied that some signs are just meant to be on a dating site lol., thanked her for her message and wished her the best. She replied "what signs are you seeing in my profile? If there are things I should change please let me know, I'm open to learning." I did explain that I was commenting on her comment about the LOVE sign...her profile was fine. Now that's overthinking lol. Hang in there G, what will be will be
Cadet, if that is the looney bin, I think we need to make a group trip and get some laughs!
Wii, My D is not going through a phase, unfortunately. This has been her since she could talk. I thought maybe it would get better as she got older, but really, it's only armed her with more ammunition as she got smarter. This has been her for her whole life and it surely takes a toll. I love her more than life itself, but I am exhausted. Overthinking could be a killer in any portion of life. Especially dating. We want to be careful, but analyze to death. I am an overthinker, and honestly haven't always been this way.
Grl,
Hugs to you, momma, as I know just what you are going through. Not only is it physically lonely to manage sometimes, but mostly emotionally. But we shall get through. Our kids will grow up as high powered lawyers who are strong women or FBI interrogators. It'll pay for the loony bin I'll have to be put in, lol.
I know she has always been like this. But she is exceptionally bright, so I understand why it seems to be getting worse.
I remember when my son was around 12 and I literally annoyed him just by breathing the same air. If I said red, he said blue. Would drive me crazy, the stupid arguments we would have. I finally realized that arguing with a child was never going to get me anywhere.
So, I was very careful to pick my arguments. The standards by which I did varied but were mostly...was he going to get hurt by his actions, was he being really disrespectful, was anyone else going to get hurt. If what he wanted to do didnt fall into those categories, I pretty much ignored it.
He would try to get me into an argument, I would be humming a tune in my head. He would push my buttons, and I would just smile and nod.
Eventually, it stopped for the most part. He wasnt getting the reaction he was trying so hard to get.
It is all part of them trying to find there place in the world and fostering independence.
Oh and that we are the safe ones..the ones that they can do that with and know we still love them unconditionally.
So, try really hard to not get pulled into that with her. I know it's difficult. And it isnt going to end anytime soon...sorry, but that is the truth. So the sooner you try to let a lot of it go, the better off you will be.
I also always let him have boundaries and tried my best to uphold them. That makes them feel safe in the long run.
Strap yourself in, sweetie, or you will get tossed around. LOL!
You can do this...I know it without a single doubt.
Agree with UR's wise words. Also, have you ever read that book I recommended, Raising Your Spirited Child by Kurcinkas? If not, it's a MUST read. Very practical but explains things in terms of personality types with extreme tendencies. Really helped me with my three difficult children.
I know for you there's also an underlying tension, in that some part of you worries about her developing mental illness like your mother. If you go to pubmed and search you will see some fantastic results from the Vienna Omega 3 study which shows dramatically reduced risk of developing psychosis in high risk adolescents if they are given fish oil. My friend who has a schizophrenic sister is giving fish oil to her own son right now because of this study.
And, don't forget effects of nutritional deficiencies or food sensitivities on behavior in children. Enterolab dot com has a stool test you can order yourself for gluten/dairy/soy/egg sensitivities - it's the most sensitive test and easier to do than a blood test on kids this age. And check for OCD symptoms - two of my kids have some OCD, and in retrospect, some of the obstinate behavior was due to bumping up against their OCD.
Oh UR, I sure am trying to buckle myself in for the ride into teenage hood. I know this isn't going away anytime soon. She is something else lately. Aside from the fighting, the questioning has me freakin batty. I think it might be a component like KML said of OCD. I am talking on the phone, she will interrupt me to ask who I am talking to and why. If I wear my hair a certain way, there is 50 questions about that. I chose a cart in target instead of a basket and I got the 3rd degree for that.
She will either make an excellent FBI interrogator or high powered attorney. She will have to pay for my looney bin bills.
I try to pick my battles with her, but I usually try to nip the things in the bud that become irritating to others. Or disrespectful. Or will hurt her friendships.
I love her more than life. she is my everything. Sometimes it's just really draining, especially with no emotional support or someone who is going through this with me who understands and we can discuss how to handle it and give eachother support. Honestly, since pretty much being a single parent pretty much my daughters whole life, I realize the physical and operation stuff I can handle alone. The emotional stuff is where I miss it. Can't do anything about it though except practice some self care. I also know it would take some superman of a guy to walk on into me and my daughters life and embrace us. because it ain't easy.
Speaking of self care, she leaves tonight for a whole week. As much as I need the reprieve, I already miss her and she hasn't left yet. I know she is missing me already too. She is really mad I am going without her this weekend to someone's house, lol.
KML, I remember you mentioning that book and I couldn't find it at the time, but I think I only tried the bookstore. I'll try amazon, thank you. Yeah, I worry a lot between both my mom and my ex's mom's psyche history. I don't think there is anything major going on, she's just one really tough cookie.
great weekend with great friends who are like family to me. Through this experience, I have really gained a second family I wouldn't trade for the world.
D8 is on vacation. OWW sent me pics. This was a first. One of D8 around a camp fire, one of D8 and her dad about to get on a paddle board.
Can I tell you how surreal this is sometimes? getting pics of your daughter and her father from the woman he left you for while they are on their summer family vacation? Brings up all weird feelings. I have accepted it just is what my life is now. Everything ex says now in terms of OWW and my D is a "we". "we have her on Thursday night". I guess I just got to embrace her as a part of the family. This is our family in a sense.
Sorry, rambling, but it is weird and I am trying to sort out how I feel about that. never ever though I would be saying any of this.
I'm making good of the time D8 is away. Lots of time with friends and surgery, I know how to stay busy. And a mani-pedi tonight. I'm getting anxious about not being able to exercise, I hope it doesn't effect my weight and mood too much.
I'm going to be seeing ex NG soon. it's brining up feelings. Not the right feelings though. Feelings of indifference would be welcomed:)
