What Should I be Doing (no direction 8)

[sandi2]

Yes, you need to go......and quickly.

[mvgfwd2]

Have you discussed moving out with an L? Move out but do it in a way that doesn't hurt you later.

[Surfer]

Coconut.

Sh!tty times mate. Very similar things happened with my WW. You must distance yourself from her. If you can't when in the same room, do it physically. I promise you that she will not be able to get into your head if you move away but you must keep that contact with your S - it will actually improve massively (or that's my HO) Road trips etc show you both you can make it work better without the negative influence of the alien that spews at you to make you react. Get out of her way if you can't keep her out if your head. It is important that you really do not communicate unless it is positive now. Of course you must communicate about children and do but don't fall into the trap of excusing contact to reconnect by making up some child based reason to talk/text. Her modus operandi may well be to make you react now. Don't loose that battle over your self control. If you can, stop drinking or certainly cut back and don't contact her drunk or hungover.

Personally I found when she went (I could control myself - I had years of practice, but it was slowly turning me to booze) I was instantly happy. The monster was gone! So we're the kids - but when they returned, they were all mine without the monster in the background brooding and wanting to fight, shout or most commonly rage.

I feel your pain. A final point don't forget to pack your soul and your b@lls. Make sure she sees you with them both firmly reattached to you. You do that so she sees you again. Trust me, after a while, you may not want her back - perhaps for a while and certainly not until she changes. Try not to totally cut her out though. You will need your soul for that. As if there is a way you can try to find it. Your b@lls are ther for boundaries.

So that's it b@lls and soul. Good luck. You are doing the right thing.

[Surfer]

Suggest you take that L advice yes. Getting away for a few days you can definitely do. To get space. Do that. Use the one to speak to a L. Just tell her you need a few days away and have been invite to (insert excuse here). Get some space though. You need to cool your jets mate. She will fire them up again when you interact so you must keep calm. However she rages, shouts etc or what is said does not matter just focus one thing - perhaps she has a slightly hairy lip or her face ha all twisted when she shouts or she needs to pluck her eyebrows. With me it was the foaming at the mouth (literally) - I remember thinking wow. I wonder if she has Rabies. Probably not perfect DB advice but it helped me to detach from what was being said. Learn not to react to a provocation. I don't care how but you have to become the soldier being shouted by the Sergent Major where you can smell his breakfast, taste his cigarettes and feel his spit. Yet you don't fear him. You just stay strong and controlled. Learn to do this ragardless. For you and your S. You will need this skill.

Take care. You can and will do this. Your life will be so, so much better in due course. Onwards and upwards.

[Coconut]

Reread my post and want to make something clear, my anger is being expressed with words, no violence or nothing even close... Mostly texts since I've pretty much been avoiding her, and usually one of us is out of the house.

I'm going on a week road trip with son in 4 days, I'll do that, and when I return I'll determine if I'm going to move out and where to. She's not going to be able to save enough refinancing to keep the house, so it's being put up for sale. I don't think it will take long to sell, so everything should be done in 6 - 8 weeks, after the closing we will file.

My anger really flared up earlier today, I'm not sure what triggers it, but I truly believe I feel like it gives me some sort of control over a sitch that I have no control... All I know is I was ready to go pay a visit to OM, even though I know that would be a bad idea for me in the long run, it just felt so right at the time I was thinking about it.

For now, we are both home right now and being civil, and she's heading out to a friends for a celebration since her friends mom has beat cancer for the second time.

[Surfer]

I met OM. Kept my cool. But I do advise it at all. Angers not a bad thing but you can control. I went through that phase too. It's hard but going for a 20 min run same route every day when I was messed up really helped. A walk anything. Also mindfulness apps (free ones calm and headsapace there are other) are really good too. Anger is a feeling it's not a choice. But how you react to it is a choice i found it helped me control it. I hope it helps mate. Keep your chin up and stay strong and focussed as much as possible. If things get tricky to for a walk or a drive. Get some space. Take care.

[Coconut]

So I'm happy to say my anger has subsided, I'm content with the fact that I have no control over my WW, and I honestly couldn't care less what she's doing.. Mi don't check to see when she comes and goes, don't ask any questions and have no idea what she's up to...

But the thought of her dragging my son into this mess really riles me up... I really feel bad for him, he won't talk to either of us about how he's feeling, but he's totally changed his routine, and spends a lot of time away from home.. I think he may have broke up with his girlfriend, because he never goes over there anymore, but I tried to to talk to him twice about it and he's not talking... I'd like for him to talk to me about it if he wants to, but I'm ok if he doesn't want to.. I'm detached from him, so I can sit back and just watch and hope for the best for him, but I don't feel emotionally tied to it... Wish I was that way with my WW, cause although I don't care anymore, it's because I hate / am disgusted by her... I will love my son no matter what, I don't know if I'll ever even like my W ever again.

But anyway, son and I leave in 3 days for our road trip, I'm really looking forward to it, it will be fun to get away and leave this mess behind.

WW text me today that she talked to friend realtor and wanted to know when I would be available to meet with her to discuss putting house up for sale, I said just schedule asap... She commented ok then... I told her I just want to get it going, only thing I care about is commission % and list price, that she can meet with her and as long as numbers are good I'll sign off... She said still in mood.. I replied, no mood, just don't want to hold it up, I'll be there if I'm available...

I've been applying for jobs in mountain area I was trying to move to when I met W, I'm moving as soon as I get an offer, gonna get on with the life I always wanted and put on hold when I got M, really looking forward to it...

[Surfer]

Coconut. Sorry you are having a hard time of it.

Perhaps during your road trip your son will open up. You will both have bonding time together and can use this time to get space and connect. It will be a great time. Try to switch off from your sitch if you can. Be strong, you are doing a great job. These feelings will subside, the resentment etc will fade and you will have the opportunity to have a better relationship with your W - if you choose that. You might not want that right now but give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. You deserve that. You are trying your best, to the the best Dad and the best version of you. It's hard to do the right thing, let alone think the right thing. Hope you have a great road trip. Make some great memories for you and your S.

[Coconut]

So strange, up until know my emotions were swerling, but they made sense to me... When I thought we were piecing, I understood how the anger would show up after we were latched back together (so to speak), but the emotions now just don't make sense...

Most of the time I am truly indifferent, but occasionally I'll glance at the key rack to see if she's at home, I don't really care, but when I look I think it's more out of habit, but I do find myself a little relieved if the keys are there, so I guess I do care... Just so confusing

She text me today, said "for what it's worth I really do miss my best friend"... Ok, that was a total mind fck, because I went through all of the emotions.. All the things I wanted to reply played through my mind, and each reply represented a different emotion:
- who treats best friend like you did
- I'm sure you'll make plenty of new best friends
- oh do you, coulda fooled me
- yeah, best friend misses you

Ok, so mostly anger oriented responses popped in my head, but non the less, her simple text got my emotions going, and I don't like being under her control like that.

[hawker]

I hate that to when you think you have it under control and they say something like that......just curious did u reply???