Yes during the talk last night I had a chance to address the tantrum. W hates that word, and refuses to accept what she did as a tantrum but W admits she didn't handle it well and apologized. Although it took a while to come to that. She had some skewed view that needed me to help clean before she apologized for her behavior. Haha, nope. Thanks again Sandi. Everything you are saying makes perfect sense now. I'm really starting to get in that mental space I need to be in.
You did a great job!! I laughed at the part of her sobbing in earshot. If you will stick to your guns, you will see her do some silly/childish things to get attention.
I loved your response of her wanting to spend time together tonight, and how you quickly spotted her sweet tone of voice and how nice she was acting. It's all an act. She is going to test you like crazy. She doesn't want to lose her power over you, so stay on guard.
I try to warn newcomers to not misunderstand the actions of a WW. Most H's are desperately looking for some sign that what they are doing is working. However, they are looking for the wrong reaction. The WW is going to try a lot of things b/c she is so manipulative. She knows you better than anyone, and that includes what you like about her. But instead of seeing her enticing behavior as a positive sign.....pull back real quick. She's just playing games.
The WW has a long process to experience before she is ready to be the wife she use to be. Your work is to stop treating her as though she is special anymore. Instead, look at her as a rebellious teenager, and you'll hit pretty close to the reality. Of course, you don't tell her any of this.....b/c you want to be effective in what you do.
The WW must work really hard to get back the H she was ready to dump. The quickest way a man can turn the dynamics around is for him to become (as seen by his attitude/actions) the dumper.....and her to become the dumpee. You would be surprised to know that the very few WW's who have come the board, reported that it was when their H let go...... was their turning around point. But the longer the H clinged, catered, and tried to persuade the WW to give the M another try......she was turned off and wanted to get away from him.
So, don't think her sudden sweetness, sexiness, or interest in you is some positive sign she is having second thoughts. She is merely trying to get you back under her thumb again. Women learned a long time ago how to turn on the charm for their own benefit.
It is important that you make yourself unavailable to her. I know that may sound completely opposite of other advice, but it's about what works and what doesn't work.......and it's about timing. If you succeed and she comes out of her waywardness.....then the timing will be right to do all those things you would love to be doing now. But first, you have to get her respect and admiration.
I would like to suggest something else. Do not act as if you are impressed with her. I don't mean to see how rude you can be (if she is behaving herself). But when she is testing you with all her little tricks......don't act impressed by giving her the response she wants. Know what I mean? If nothing else, a man could act bored with her charades.......or even look as if he is amused at her antics. It lets her know that her tricks no longer work.
You had it down pat in your last couple of posts!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
W has "convinced" me to go to MC together. She has also agreed to not contact other men and is for transparency with our phones and accounts. Funny how all of this works when DBing properly. I told her: there is a lot of work to do. We need to be ready for bumps in the road and be able to work through them. We can't run away everytime we have a problem. She asked but how will we know if we aren't going to work out? I said: if we ended up at this point again, our worst, that I wouldnt imagine much of a future for us. I'm not going to be in a R that involves breaking up over and over. We need to make a plan and make changes to have a better life with each other. I'm not as concerned with the future as I am with living life fully right now. I know you are scared and you worry lot, but let's just take care of what we need to and live. ...
I feel like a stronger man than I ever have going through this process. I had read a series of articles on husbandly leadership that helped at first (all which agrees with DBing ideas). I also read one of Eckhart Tolle's books which help me gain understanding and compassion for others that I lacked...But this site/community really breaks down personal growth and troubled relationships into invaluable and practical advice. I can't say thank you enough to Michele and the community for all of the gems and support I found here. I will definitely keep posting here. I'm sure I will need to make plenty of adjustments as I go. On to the next step!
W has had some huge swings in the last few days, but now that she is more open to listening I have been able to bring it back to reality a lot quicker. I think she realizes now that this is a turning point in our R that needs her attention. We even discussed some past hurt and cleared up the reasons behind some of it. Surprisingly this went really well, now that I can explain more about what was going on with me back then (at the time I had no clue what I was feeling, just a tornado of emotions/thoughts). W actually took this in, didn't turn it into a fight like she usually does, and said that she loves that I am opening up. Wow! She has been opening up a little more each time we talk, and I continue to validate as best as I can (I'm not great at it, but good enough to get here I suppose). We seem to be slowly moving in the right direction to work things out. I am making it a point to not have too many expectations or to think too far in the future, as I have noticed this encourages my recent dependent nature. Keeping things cool and letting things flow is the ongoing goal for me.
Sandi is right about you not being the MC yourself. You didn't break your wife and you can't fix her.
This could be more temperature checking making sure that you are still a viable Plan B.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Sandi and Christy - Yes we are still planning to go to MC. I understand that I can't fix her, I am just happy to see her making steps to work on her issues. We both know we have a lot to work on ourselves in addition to our R. Also yes, I realize this could be another big temp check. I am prepared for this and I'm maintaining some healthy space to be able to shift back into detachment easily if I need to.
Me and W go out with some friends last night, but I have work in the morning so we say were not going to stay out late. Of course the time comes and and one of her friends shows up late so she wants to stay. Ok, that's fine we will stay out a little later. Then it is really late and it's time to go. I tell her we need to go and she tells me to go ahead and go home and she will get a ride home. I give her another chance to rethink that idea, but no she wants to stay and play pool. We are trying to "work things out" but youre not going to go home with your man that has been showing you so much love and compassion lately? ...I go home and move her pillow to the couch. I'm not going to stand for this crap. She still wants to go out on her own and pretend to be working on things with me? Nope. When she gets home she wakes me up to try to fight with me and tell me how horrible I am for putting her on the couch. I don't remember much of what she was said, since I was half asleep with alcohol in my system, but it was clear she wasn't happy. I didn't buy into the fight, and just went back to sleep.
Me and W go out with some friends last night, but I have work in the morning so we say were not going to stay out late. Of course the time comes and and one of her friends shows up late so she wants to stay. Ok, that's fine we will stay out a little later. Then it is really late and it's time to go. I tell her we need to go and she tells me to go ahead and go home and she will get a ride home. I give her another chance to rethink that idea, but no she wants to stay and play pool. We are trying to "work things out" but youre not going to go home with your man that has been showing you so much love and compassion lately? ...I go home and move her pillow to the couch. I'm not going to stand for this crap. She still wants to go out on her own and pretend to be working on things with me? Nope. When she gets home she wakes me up to try to fight with me and tell me how horrible I am for putting her on the couch. I don't remember much of what she was said, since I was half asleep with alcohol in my system, but it was clear she wasn't happy. I didn't buy into the fight, and just went back to sleep.
I have a hard time remembering the details of everyone's sitch. Is or was your wife having an affair?
In the absence of a situation that requires extra transparency and monitoring, I don't see that she did anything wrong except waking you up to fight instead of just crawling into bed.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
