So, I realized the hardest thing about exposing my wife would be the effect on my kids. I simply cannot take them to see family as often as my wife.
The only thing keeping me from exposing my wife are my kids and I just cannot get myself to hurt them. Im really distressed over this situation to the point of losing sleep over it this week...
So, are you saying that you will continue to tolerate this A, b/c otherwise, your kids won't get to see their cousins as often?
And to add to this, if you DO tell your sister, you believe that YOU are the one that will be "guilty" of damaging the relationship between the cousins?
Absolutely not. It's like a car wreck...you may be in the right, but you still want to avoid wrecks at all costs.
I don't mean to offend anyone,but to put this a bit bluntly, I'm looking for experience advice from someone who has some insight into a scenario like this and is NOT separated or filing for divorce. This is a divorce busting site, yet it seems the majority of people on this board are not succeeding at stopping their divorces.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
I guess the big question is aside from telling or not telling my sister, is there anything else I should be doing in dealing with my wife?
The conversation keeps coming back to my sister...that is on hold for a bit while I reason through all of the consequences.
My wife and I get along great in daily interactions, but she swears she will never want to work on our relationship, get close to me, or love me again. When asked what her plans are if things continue the way they are, she simply responds with an I don't know.
M 17 years 3 kids EA start 2010 ILYBNILWY 1/2014 PA 1/2016 Bomb drop 2/2016 Renig on Bomb drop 4/2016 Living as roommates, EA continues
Absolutely not. It's like a car wreck...you may be in the right, but you still want to avoid wrecks at all costs.
So what is your goal? To have a happy marriage or to avoid "collateral damage"?
To add to your analogy, sometimes your car gets some minor dings and dents, but you just keep driving it, not being able to justify the repair costs. But eventually, you get into a crash, and require extensive repairs and the car comes out looking new again. Of course, you arent going to TRY to crash, but sometimes, it happens, and it works out for the best.
Have you read DR and gone through the process of goal setting? What are your "30 foot putts"?
Originally Posted By: Tate
My wife and I get along great in daily interactions, but she swears she will never want to work on our relationship, get close to me, or love me again.
How can you two have an effective relationship when there are 3 or 4 people in it? The advice is focused on your sister, because you cannot improve things with your W until the other people are out of your relationship.
Originally Posted By: Tate
I don't mean to offend anyone,but to put this a bit bluntly, I'm looking for experience advice from someone who has some insight into a scenario like this and is NOT separated or filing for divorce. This is a divorce busting site, yet it seems the majority of people on this board are not succeeding at stopping their divorces.
You probably wont offend anyone, but I think it is an extremely limited view. The value should be on the process, not on the results. I could have DB'ed 100% perfectly and still gotten divorced. There is nothing I can do or could have done to control my ex's thoughts. Does that mean Im not qualified to provide my thoughts to you? If you choose not to want my opinions, fine, Im more than happy to leave you to it.
Take a big step back. Take a deep breath. And look at the whole mess in front of you.
Your W and BIL have created a dysfunctional, destructive situation for all involved. This is something that will have long-term consequences not just for the adults, but for the children.
It's time to extract pride, worry, fear and timidity -- and your self-interest about getting your W back -- from all your considerations. Sit down w/ your sister and talk to her. Then sit down w/ your W and talk to her. Sit down w/ your BIL and talk to him. Tell your W & BIL it must stop.
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Sadly, there is no easy or quick fix to this mess. You can't forbid or force your wife or BIL to do or stop anything.
The best advice I can give you is to call a Divorce Busting Coach today. Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best advice on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
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Tate - I struggled a lot with this myself. Part of me wanted to scream my pain and betrayal from the highest rooftops and receive the support and comfort of those around me who sympathized with me. The other part (which won) wanted to protect my WW from the immediate consequences of her actions. Those immediate consequences would be (presumably) hurt to her relationship with our adult children and hurt to her reputation in the community. Additionally I felt that she would see this as a betrayal of HER by me and it would reduce the chance of any reconciliation.
Fast forward 3 months and a bit. The A is still ongoing - not sure how actively though, WW has moved out and is (I believe) on her own trying to get her act together. The A is still (largely) secret although I have told my brothers and their wives with strict instructions to keep it to themselves. I only told them because I needed more support than what was available from random people on the internet (ie this forum). WW knows that I have told them and that they have said that they would welcome her back into our extended family. I "believe" that WW has respect for my actions and is grateful for me keeping her secrets. In a recent text where she said she was going to tell S22 "everything" I responded that it was her story to tell, not mine and it was up to her how much if anything she told. I honestly have no idea who she has told but know that it's mainly been close friends only. To the best of my knowledge S22 and D24 still don't know.
I hope that helps. Adult children are a very different kettle of fish than yours I'm sure.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I don't mean to offend anyone,but to put this a bit bluntly, I'm looking for experience advice from someone who has some insight into a scenario like this and is NOT separated or filing for divorce. This is a divorce busting site, yet it seems the majority of people on this board are not succeeding at stopping their divorces.
Tate - I had this exact same rant a while ago. I felt that I was here looking for help and that all I would get was the same platitudes from people who were failing in their own efforts.
Getting hit by a 2X4 hurts and yes, many of us swinging them are amateurs. That's the nature of a peer support group - most of us are in the same mud pit as you trying to find the way out. If we knew the way out we wouldn't be here.
If you are looking for some good SOLID help then contacting Christy to get some proper coaching is a good idea. I know that I ended up taking a break from the forum for a while because my head was ringing too much and my wallet too thin for coaching.
The forum DOES have a number of redeeming features though. The biggest one for me is knowing that I'M NOT ALONE. There are others in this mud pit too who are fighting the same fight. Most of us mean well but remember too that we are also dealing with anger and frustration so our 2X4 swinging might not be aimed at what you think is the right target.
Since then, and burning out a very well meaning friend with my drama, I've come back and am working on "paying it forward" to the community here and reading how others are coping while the slow grind towards an uncertain future continues.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
The forum DOES have a number of redeeming features though. The biggest one for me is knowing that I'M NOT ALONE. There are others in this mud pit too who are fighting the same fight. Most of us mean well but remember too that we are also dealing with anger and frustration so our 2X4 swinging might not be aimed at what you think is the right target.
Andrew,
You're absolutely right. The anger and frustration surfaces very quickly when I see someone else making the same mistakes (or what I consider to be mistakes) that I made. I feel like I took far too long to wake up from the LBS fog so when I see that happening to someone else, I tend to threaten to run out an buy power tools (I actually did go out and buy a grinder/cutoff tool yesterday).
There are also differing philosophies regarding the best approach to take with a WW. I tend to be a hard-@ss these days; I'd reached a point where I felt like I was a doormat and that's not who I am, so I now have zero tolerance for WW bullsh*t. But, I also understand that approach doesn't work for everyone.
