Stages of grief

[Phoebe]

Hi Miss Painter. Just checking in to see how you are doing on your detachment journey. I agree that the more you know, the easier it is to get on with your own life.

For myself, finding the things WH wrote was absolutely all I needed to realize that this person was not the one I shared a life and dreams and goals with. He is a stranger, and a cheater, and a serious liar, and, and, and,... Frankly, who need that in their life?

Sleep well, Painter!

[Painter]

Zues, I have had the same inertia. Not much to contribute and feeling like I'm just walking the same path as before so nothing new to report.

I wish I felt more disgust and less sadness and longing. You'd think I would have had enough intel to get there without a problem now.

Phoebs, it's been a few rough days. Partly hormonal, but also prepping for the shipment. It's like a seam being ripped apart - plus I have had more contact with WH than usual to arrange it.

I haven't been doing a lot of social GALing lately so I think that might be a problem, as well. I had some training today at the place I'll be temping later, and it was really nice to get out of the house and have to focus on something else. When I work from home, my mind still keeps spinning in the background.

Tomorrow I'm having dinner out with a couple of girlfriends, and on the weekend son and I are going on a day trip to a tall ships festival.

It's just a lot of emotion right now.

[Phoebe]

Hi lovely Miss Painter. I kind of got vacuumed up by my GAL activities this week, but I wanted you to know that I'm still keeping up with you and that I thank you for checking in on me, too.

It's Ok to keep walking the same path, as long as you are still moving forward, however incrementally. Eventually your path will lead to a better place. Just keep moving.

When will the rest of your belongings arrive? I hope soon, because I think that distance from WH, including in terms of communication,will be important of you. I know that complete NC with my own WH has been key to any healing that I have done thus far. That and finally getting at least a significant portion of the truth. I was holding onto that damn rope so heard it was hurting me. Dropping it, in large part because of the truths I discovered, has freed me from a lot of self-inflicted pain.

I'm really excited for you about the Tall Ships festival. I went to one a long time ago, and the ships were so beautiful. I really loved seeing them.

Keep on keeping on, lovely.

((((((((((Painter))))))))))

[Painter]

Hi Phoebsie,

Thank you for stopping in. I'm struggling with some periodic, intense feelings of loneliness today. Fortunately, I had a counseling session and some training and then spent a long time in the grocery store picking out a movie.

A quick chat with WH on the phone to make sure everything is on track for tomorrow (he is meeting the movers at the storage facility since he has the key and has been moving things up there since I left). It should arrive here in about a week.

It feels sort of final. I think as long as my belongings were still there, it felt like it wasn't completely over. And once they get here, I don't know if I will even want to look at the things that 'lived' in my home. It will be sort of like getting broken pieces of the marriage to look at. I don't have to unpack it, it will be stored until I get my own place, but I need to find some paperwork to be able to apply for college. I have a feeling it's going to be very hard when it arrives.

Right now, I'm standing still on the path... maybe going in circles a bit. I'm sure I'll get going again.

[PsySara]

Hi Painter,
I can feel the pain in your words, I wish there was a way to reach across the divide and just hug you. Would a little white anger help you? Your WH threw away a diamond to pick up a rock. Let him hold that rock and use his magical thinking to believe it's more than just a rock, we all know the truth. That man is a huge fool to walk away from you. You are magnificent and deserve the best.

[Painter]

Sara, thank you for your kind words and hug, I can feel it through your words.

I'm sure the anger will come back. Right now it's all nausea, stomach ache and sadness.

It was a very typical experience with WH this morning. He called me to have me e-mail him the receipt that he has to give the movers. I e-mailed it to him a week ago together with very clear instructions for everything, but he couldn't find it now.

I talked to him again a few minutes before the movers were to arrive and told him they were almost there. He was still on his way, stressed out because he couldn't find the key for the storage. He used it last week. He was frustrated and upset that the movers would be on time, and that he would have to cut the lock.

I'm absolutely not always on top of everything myself, and can be forgetful and frazzled, but WH is really extreme. He says 'it will only take 5 minutes' and 'I'll get that ready before I leave tomorrow morning' - which I feel are recipes for disaster. He feels I am so 'controlling' because I like to prepare for stuff. This was one of the frequent sources of conflict between us, because he actually *chooses* to live like this and be unprepared. I used to let him do what he wanted with his own appointments, and just helped him find stuff, but when it was something that involved us both, I was 'controlling' and chose to prepare.

Nothing has changed...

[Painter]

Well, Sadness has retreated and Anger has entered the stage. It is definitely a better state of mind. Not so angry that I'm fuming, just a hardness that is more energizing and strengthening. Hopefully it will last.

I have one more item I need to get out of the house, that WH is having trouble finding, and then there will be no reason for me to hold back.

[PsySara]

Come Anger, come sit right over *here* (pats seat)

This is white anger and can focus you on motivating you to make changes that are healthy. Red anger is more rage and emotionally messy. Use this opportunity to realize your strength and worth. Meanwhile this OW is inheriting this controlling, passive aggressive man-baby. Well...congrats OW, "enjoy" your "prize." (insert evil smile)

[Phoebe]

It's always a bit of a tug of war, isn't it, with Joy, Fear, Anger, Disgust, Sadness, all vying for attention?

I have sat next to all of them during this ordeal, and these days I have had a few visits from White Anger myself. She has been a rare visitor, though I'm not sure why. Most people think I should be angrier than I seem to be.

I"m glad that she is paying you a visit, Miss Painter, and giving Sadness a much-needed respite.

Sara is absolutely right, OW has "won" the Booby Prize. Yeah for her. You, on the other hand, are growing, stretching, and getting better every day, outgrowing and out-classing your WH in every way.

Hang in here, Lady Bird. You've got this.

((((((((Painter))))))))

[Phoebe]

Just checking in on you, lovely Painter. It seems that you must be busy, too. My thread is needing to be started again, but I cAnt seem to find a spare moment this week!

I hope you are well.

(((((Painter)))))