good direction or backsliding?

[ForGump]

I want to second SH_'s advice about involving your D10 in your problems. I believe it's a very bad idea, and can have long-term psychological consequences for your D10.

Sorry. I'd be just as tempted as you to want to get info from her.

[cheesyt]

I hear you guys, we've had numerous conversations (as the EA was in full swing) about not telling me things, (my W made D face time with OM and call him among other stuff) I've told her, W has told her and we have both told her together. Not sure why W involves her. Once D starts chatting it's never ending.

W and I had what I think was a decent conversation. She told me about Mexico, and tried to give "reasons" why It's a great idea I told her "you don't need to give reasons why it's great, I hope you have a lovely time".

W and I keep having same conversations, how she feels I'm trying to make "her people" go on "my side" How I'm over stepping boundaries she has. Felt like a fool today, made plans with W to pick up D from sitter, called sitter sitter said she had no idea and I could not pick up D because she knows we are "having issues" and I am not D's parent. wow. I felt like poop.

W got nursing schedule and W expressed that I need to adhere to a strict schedule with D and that she doesn't want D around me all weekend so that W would find a sitter for one of the weekend days. W also said I'd be allowed to pick D up one day during the weekday, though she doesn't need "help" during weekdays (so I guess I should be thankful I'm allowed to see D when W doesn't need a sitter...pft) .

W also told me that she feels I'm "too involved" and I want to know everything going on in W & D lives, and that W needs to take back control and I need to let her. W said she understands it's hard because I have done everything for W & D for 6 years, and she understands it's coming from a good place but again, I need to stick to what W says so she can get control back.
W threw in "I know you're working on your relationship with D and me, and other stuff and not being around us makes it hard for you, but I'm not ready to work on things yet" - the yet is something I cannot read into.

I really feel that if W feels like she's gotten control of her life we could R. But the unknown is a scary place and anything can happen. I need to give up control. I need to give more emotional space to her, W, like always is telling me exactly what she wants and I need to be capable of doing it. It seems so counter productive to step back, how will we ever reunite if she's so "fine" with out me / has everything she wants? - no idea but I'm going to stick to my schedule GAL and dive into this with the best positive attitude I can acquire.

not feeling great, but definitely not feeling so down like usual days.
Made it one more day.

[ForGump]

She feels I'm trying to make "her people" go on "my side" How I'm over stepping boundaries she has. ... She feels I'm "too involved" and I want to know everything going on in W & D lives, and that W needs to take back control and I need to let her. ... "I know you're working on your relationship with D and me...." I need to give up control. I need to give more emotional space to her ...

I thought you were doing a pretty good job letting her go (based on what you yourself reported). What are you doing that makes her feel like you're still too involved, and over-stepping boundaries?

It seems so counter productive to step back, how will we ever reunite if she's so "fine" with out me / has everything she wants?

I struggle w/ this too but ... I think we have to let go because the W has to LOVE you, not just NEED you like she needs a plumber or an assistant.

[SH_]

She feels I'm trying to make "her people" go on "my side" How I'm over stepping boundaries she has. ... She feels I'm "too involved" and I want to know everything going on in W & D lives, and that W needs to take back control and I need to let her. ... "I know you're working on your relationship with D and me...." I need to give up control. I need to give more emotional space to her ...

I thought you were doing a pretty good job letting her go (based on what you yourself reported). What are you doing that makes her feel like you're still too involved, and over-stepping boundaries?

It seems so counter productive to step back, how will we ever reunite if she's so "fine" with out me / has everything she wants?

I struggle w/ this too but ... I think we have to let go because the W has to LOVE you, not just NEED you like she needs a plumber or an assistant.

So true Gump, so true.
This is so missed in this community in the early stages of many situations. Everyone is trying to make the WAS see what they are missing. That is a need.
Love is a choice.
We have all heard the quote,
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. Richard Bach
It does not seem to just be a saying. There seems to be something to it, right?

[cheesyt]

I'm not entirely sure, I myself has thought I was headed in a good direction. W said more with things that have to do with D. I scheduled EVERYTHING that revolved around D so when I ask questions about her schedule she feels I'm trying to control it.

Maybe I'm being to optimistic but I really feel after last night's talk If I let her take her control back & be her support perhaps she can begin to think of our married life again.

I have a GAL thing almost everyday after work this week & softball tournament on the weekend.
D is gone, so minimal to no contact with the W.

I haven't had a good day in a few weeks. Today is a good day already. I don't feel "foggy" or overly emotional. I will be able to work!

[ForGump]

I really feel after last night's talk If I let her take her control back & be her support perhaps she can begin to think of our married life again.

I think my W needs to have good feelings about ME, not really about our married life... I think there is subtle but important difference there.

[SH_]

clearte have you read DR?

ForGump is correct here.

You need to stay out of the cheeseless tunnels and avoid doing what you feel is right and focus on doing what works.
You will appreciate the outcomes much more down the road. And believe everyone here, it is a long road.
You can make the journey more pleaseing if you listen up now and go against your instincts. Think about it this way. If you had been going against your instincts more often leading up to this point, you may be in a different place.

Focus on you and let her run her own course.
I know it feels wrong, but the principle is right my DB friend.
This is about doing what works, not what feels good.

[cheesyt]

I have read DR, twice. I feel like I'm just not learning anything, One day I feel I hear her, the next we have same conversations. W texted me not long ago, saying she's going to email me how she's feeling and what's going on since she's incapable of expressing it to me face to face.
here I thought my day had started good.
I'm at work, I cant believe she's going to say whatever it is, while she knows I'm at work.

-thinking the worst.

[SH_]

You can choose to read the text when you are not at work and in a better place to read it.
You can't control what she does but you can choose what you do here.

DB principle you can apply.
Act as if.
This way you are not " thinking the worst".

Hang in there my DB friend.

Have you spoken with a DB coach to help you apply what you have read in DR?

[cheesyt]

I have not, I have an IC and cannot afford both.
Not sure what to do,
received email after 1hr and 15min of waiting. not reading it until later.

-feel like I'm going to have a breakdown.