The lie continues...

[Sotto]

Glad you enjoyed that one. Yes, strangely I've had a lot more laughs since BD. Sometimes we learn to laugh a lot more through these tough times. Me and my divorce group chums fall about laughing at stupid things....any ways - no angle grabbing!!

[CT1118]

So, something I had not mentioned earlier... I have finished the DR/DB books. I now re-read them, in as much as re-reading involves looking through what I underlined and/or where I dog-eared pages.

Page 129 of the LRT section in DR - step 3 'watch & wait', 2nd possible reason: paraphrasing; mate becomes curious about you, shows more interest in you, "might even suggest you spend some time together to talk or do something enjoyable...", and will begin asking questions about your changes.

There are suggestions of what to do if this happens on page 130. I will not suggest the above is happening in full to me by my WW. She has been doing the above, did it today and earlier this week, which I inadvertently left out - asking me excessively about what I have been doing with my free time, sending me texts about 'how are you doing', asked me on a date today to 'catch up', made comments about how I have changed.

Why will I not suggest the above is happening in full? Rule no. 32, and the A continues - I have not spied in two weeks, but as far as I am concerned the A continues until I am told it does not.

Its hard to bleed all the details here all at once, gotta come back to continue painting the story, plus, in an environment where people check in regularly to see if anyone is paying attention to the noises in their head, its hard not to want to pick up and display the pieces one thinks got left behind.

GAL with son at pool for two hours. Now watching Angry Birds w/ S4 which as far as kids movies go is pretty horrible, but he's happy and that is good enough for my smiles towards him.

[Sotto]

I would say if the A is continuing - hold your course. Minimal, pleasant, guy with other places to go - not going to hang around for some woman who isn't going to put him first.

She's temp checking I think. She may not want you right now - but sure as heck doesn't want someone else to get you. Have you read Sandy's thread on WWs?

Beware of getting into the 'friend' zone or gratefully hoovering up crumbs. Until or unless she chooses to end this A and recommit to the M, you are moving forward as if she is never coming back...

JMHO of course, but I think strength and resolve and losing the fear (of losing her) are the way to go...

[CT1118]

Thanks Sotto - So you had a question embedded in there and yes I have not only read Sandi's post on WW once, but many times. Yes, this could be a pulse check and it is too early to definitively say that it is not. So...I intend to hold course.

The fear of loosing her decreases daily, still here, but I do feel it going down. I wonder how many of us, as I do, fear the fact that they might actually fall less in love with our WW/WH? Don't get me wrong, I am still very much in love with W, I am very much aware of why I am willing to go through all of this, but sometimes the beach which compliments the sea has to acknowledge erosion. Thus, the biggest fear I have is not her leaving/not loving me, it is that I will no longer be willing or able when that time comes. I will not create my own future here though, I will not say such things again. Nonetheless, CT1118 continues to improve himself. Still in the fight.

[Coly23]

Hi CT1118, I'm fairly new here. H left mid-May but no sign of A as yet. I just wanted to say that today is the first day that I have started to question my love for my H and that really frightens me. I so desperately want to see him, talk to him, hold him but the longer I go NC/dark the further I feel away from him. Me and my D have decided we will not contact him at all this week as he usually comes over once a week for a family night but we have been arranging everything. From now on we want to see him making the effort to see us but it's so hard not speaking with him, I really hate what he had brought us to...

[RSG]

"Thus, the biggest fear I have is not her leaving/not loving me, it is that I will no longer be willing or able when that time comes."

This is a fear that comes to me every now and then too. I can tell a huge difference in how I feel about her now compared to how I felt the day she walked out.

I agree w/Sotto though. She's scared of losing you to someone else, but is just making sure you're there. It's a really ugly thing honestly. Unless you can see a change in her attitude towards you (and you'll know), assume she's still in an A....

[CT1118]

Hi CT1118, I'm fairly new here. From now on we want to see him making the effort to see us but it's so hard not speaking with him, I really hate what he had brought us to...

Coly23 - welcome, I will look for your thread. If you have not done one yet, please do - Cadet will have reading for you. I cannot project to know how you feel - if it helps to know how I feel though, I have come to realize hating my WW is the wrong approach; time here should show you that all of this makes you a better/stronger/improved human for what you have proven yourself willing to endure. I will tell you via statistics - its normal for people to cheat, its normal for their spouses to be pissed and scared, its normal for some people to have a midlife crisis and not give a sht about how it hurts others, its normal for people to think "fk them" and go tell the world what a piece of sht their spouse is, its correct for us to know its normal and not excuse their behavior - it is abnormal to realize you are worth more than that and will take care of yourself with the understanding that it may also take care of the one you love the most during your process. Speak out loud Coly23, we will hear you.

I agree w/Sotto though. She's scared of losing you to someone else, but is just making sure you're there. It's a really ugly thing honestly. Unless you can see a change in her attitude towards you (and you'll know), assume she's still in an A....

Damn straight RSG. I have seen a change in attitude, one where I feel the pursue/distance R may have shifted, but going back to that earlier football parable, I may have the ball, but I am far from the end zone. I will assume the A continues until I get proof. Even then, that is only the 2nd step in my goals for what the WW s doing (see earlier posts, she did get through step 1 goal by admitting she had fked things up with the A and that she was scared/confused). Lies are exposed, but only for me. The biggest lie is within the WW themselves. Better or worse right y'all? Its certainly a challenge.

[Melo]

Hey CT, you seem to be in a really good place emotionally. Seems like you have found the ever illusive detachment.

[ForGump]

I wish my W was temp checking me...!

I'm not sure but I may be feeling myself slowly falling out of love. Hard to say because it's a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes I feel like I'm less into her, yet other times I feel like my heart's going to explode from losing her, or thinking about her w/ someone else.

I do believe that much of good, long-term love is built through deliberate choices and actions, and that it's not all just some magical chemistry. (Something I don't think my W believes in, at least not as much as I do). So it makes sense to me that if a H & W make choices to distance themselves form each other -- like having an A or doing GAL and going dark -- that our feelings might start to fade a little as well.

[Rose888]

I'd agree with you except for the GAL bit.

Getting a life and having interests that are all yours is a good thing. Even in a healthy, close, happy marriage.

GAL shouldn't stop when you get to piecing, although you might need to adjust the amount of time you spend in GAL activities.