WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[Phoebe]

Hello there, my dear Sparrow Hawk. I am sorry that I kind of fell off the planet there for a while, but I'm here now, and I just read through your journal entries. I'm sorry to hear that WAW is acting strangely, but glad that you are hanging in there. Limboland is a strange place to be stuck. I didn't realize that you have yet to be served. Apparently it's going around, as WH can't seem to get me served, either.

I'm sorry to hear that D5 is struggling now. Luckily she has one parent who is a rock in her life and who can give her the stability she needs to make it through this transition. I am very, very glad that your D18 has passed the age limit that kept her from seeing a therapist previously. I think that she may benefit greatly from being able to work through her own thoughts with a neutral third party. I can't imagine how difficult all of this is for her, at an age where she feels like she should begin to take on the responsibilities and emotional maturity of an adult, and yet she is still very much a young girl. She is being and has been strong for everyone around her, yet she still needs to process her own thoughts and emotions and struggles. She also needs to grieve the losses she has felt.

I wish you s lovely day today, Sage Hope. And I do want to get back to being in closer touch with you. I miss that interaction.

[Phoebe]

hello, hello, SH! I'm back again to check in on you and to offer you my best wishes in everything you are doing.

I tried to find a local indoor skydiving facility because you made it sound so great, but the nearest one is hours away. Ah well, I'll just have to indoor skydive vicariously!! I still need to look up what flyboarding is, as I've never even heard of it.

How have you been doing in the last couple days?

(((((((Sparrow Hawk)))))))) hugs to you, just because you deserve them.

[SH_]

V! Ooh, I probably need pointers from you on the twirling. I am so tempted to fix a pole in my new place.


SH, I guess I should let you know that I am kind of competitive. Presently, giving me a challenge is like asking a dog to play fetch. Wait... Did I just call myself a biatc....

Anyways, I have checked out the place and the rates. It's just a matter of 2 or 4 jumps, with or without kid.

Say when, SH. Say when....

Okay JksD, I know you will appreciate this story. So today I am at church and I have arrived at Sunday School class a few minutes early and I pop my instagram feed as I follow several motivational feeds. I was looking for some inspiration.
So I follow this one feed that shows short vid clips of different kind of workouts and pretty amazing athletic feats.
So here's where the chuckle will come in.
I am casually sliding it down when a clip of a tall drink of very fit woman is pole dancing in what appears to be a room in her home. Yup, right as I see this, I get a pat on the back and a greeting from a member of my church. Umm, can you say bright red and clicking every button to shut off my phone. Its not what it looks like I swear. LOL It was a clip the feed that I follow had shared forward.
Anyway not sure if you check instagram, but if you look up christinaahncheeta you will get many many pointers and even see how it looks to attach a pole in your house.

Hmmm, she looks super fit in the clip, so there is definitely a physical fitness aspect to this whole pole thing. Taking this bet would actually be you doing me a favor. And how many dates could I pick up with a skill like that eh??
Better get your wings ready so you can float indoors.

SH,
I will let you off from the waxing and poledancing because of your flyboarding experience. I need to check out what the heck that is on youtube.

I like your L too. It seems that your L is not one of those bull-dog D pushers and he sounds like he has your welfare at heart.

You are miles ahead of your W in terms of personal development and I can understand your state of IANILWY. Your W certainly doesn't sound very lovable right now.

But maybe because I was an almost WAW with a touch (or more?) of MLC and a good dose of depression thrown in, I have some compassion for WAW.

Remember my post about the different timelines in self- evolution? What are your thoughts about it?

No hurry, SH. Good that you are on an even keel. Sometimes the best action is none and to wait for the answer to reveal itself.

Now hold on. I am not saying I want to be let off the hook here. Well, from the pole anyway. I am still trying to find an angle for the waxing. But hey, face my fears right?

I am going to call my L agin tomorrow. I have stalled long enough. Over 2 weeks and no word and no info. Something is up and I just can't figure it out. What is the hold up?

I will need to review your post ago on the timelines. I do need to get some perspective and a different view. Right now I am so bogged down that I can't see forward past tomorrow.
I have plans, goals and dreams. I do not want life to pass me by while I am mired here in the muck just waiting for things to happen.
And yes, patience is not my virtue. I am sure that shows much in my story and interactions with folks here.

Omg. You need to stop being so freakingly up-to-date with your GAL activities. I am finding it hard to keep up!

My heart and my wallet do not thank you.

Well, I am going to slow it down a bit and try calmer, people meeting things. My small support group has scattered out some and I don't want to bug them anymore. Need to get to know some new folks an make new connections.
But be aware, that I am saving and planning on a tandem skydive in a couple of months as the weather around here cools down. Also plan on getting my motorcycle license and purchasing a bike. D18 plans on doing both of these things with me as well. Maybe we start a biker gang or something.

JksD, it is always a pleasure to hear from you. your spunk, humor and sincere support have really been a benefit and inspiration for me.
Thank you.
(((JksD)))

[SH_]

My dear Phoebe!
Always there for me and checking in. That I can count on these days.
it will be interesting to see how the IC works for d18 and myself. But I think we could use the support.
D18 has had a great week and I will share more later as it is late and I wanted to check in.

I am going to take a different approach moving forward here in the community.
I have been hiding from my own sitch I believe in the name of trying to support and help others. But it is so hard to see it all just repeat over and over again, and not really sure I am helping. Most seem to get it in due time as I read stories. Some just longer than others.
I feel like I am living a bad episode of the Twilight Zone or worse, Groundhogs day. Nothing I do helps anyone, nor myself. I just keep getting up each day, existing and going through a routine that seems to have little to no point.

I need to get myself together and implement some action and move forward.
I don't feel depressed nor anxious, but the agitation is swelling up and not always with a reason. I am really fighting back the feelings and it is starting to show.
I thought I was doing a good job keeping things down, and pausing to take good actions in spite of the raw feelings, but this weekend with my daughters, I would have to go to another room, because just dumb little things would just annoy me. I get so mad at myself, because there is no reason to be agitated. But I feel like I could just scream.

Not what I want to feel anymore.
Maybe a kickboxing class or something with contact. I have to let the steam out somehow.

Anyway, nuff about that as I feel I am getting worked up, and I need to go to sleep.
Busy week and then I get next week of and I will celebrate my first birthday in 20 years by my self.
Fun times. Real fun times

Thank you Phoebe again for be a constant for me. your support is true a blessing for me these days.

[SH_]

I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.

Hello SH_,

Happy Bday to D17! Sounds like your GAL with her has been super fun.

Really think about what Roist is saying. Feeling stuck and want to schedule a session with your DB Coach?

BTW- I have to agree that indoor skydiving is awesome

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

Hi Cristy.
I may need to take up that offer. I am just not sure what help I can get from a coach at this point. There is no contact with WAW and I am not sure what I am seeking. I am feeling stuck. Just not sure what direction to head in. Ugh.

Thank you for checking in. And thank you for the bday wishes. She had a great time and seemed to enjoy the Bday fun we did.

[SH_]

SH, I am flattered you sought me out to give my opinion. Here are a few of my thoughts.

It is interesting you quoted MWD on the LRT and only quoted the first of the three possible outcomes.Nothing happens. From my observations here, I think that it is too early to state it has not had a positive effect on your W. You cannot know that and it really does take a long time to cause a shift.

I often use the frozen lake analogy to describe the DB process. DBing thaws the WAS from the inside out just like a frozen lake. The ice gets thinner and thinner but on the surface it remains unchanged and frozen. Do not assume anything but also don't sit there watching for it to melt.

I think you have done great. That bond between you and D17 has strengthened so much in this process even though ye seemed close before. That is priceless and may not have happened to the same extent if this crap had not happened.

You seem to have grown impatient recently.Why is that? Had you hoped all the great stuff on your side of the fence would have drawn W out of her fog by now? Are you realising that regardless what you do it may nit get her back? Those changes and great improvements are for you. You have embraced that. Your W has noticed your improved lifestyle.She has. But for now she is clouded by other stuff. That cloud could be there for years to come or could lift next week. Don't sit and wait.

I think having a WAW is in some ways harder to deal with than a WW. A WW will behave and do stuff that pushes the lbs to "had enough" stage faster. A WAW gives false hope because there is no one else involved. That hope holds many lbs back.

Over the last 20 months, I have come to a standstillmany times faced with a decision on how to proceed. Earlier on I put myself under unnecessary pressure to decide NOW about the future. However now when faced with the same type of crossroads, I acknowledge that it would be good to decide definitely now the best way forward, but it is not a necessity. Furthermore I can change my mind further down the road if I don't like my choice. This situation is stressful enough without imposing self imposed unnecessary stresses as well.

I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.

Best wishes. Hopefully something in what I said will help you. If you want my to clarify anything, let me know.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Great updates.I like your L.

I imagine that if W truly wanted to reconcile she would not be the person you doubt you want back! Just a thought.

I wanted to add something to my last post. Check out my last thread or look up caliguys thread. There is a tool about changing character traits and involves three lists.

1 list things you like about you
2 list things you dislike about you
3 list things that you find admirable in others or in an ideal you.

First list is to show you you already have many fine qualities. Then work towards replacing items from list 2 by items on list 3.

Some people here have found this exercise helpful in becoming the person they want to be, but also helps to get moving again. Let me know your thoughts on that.

Way to go on the latest fun activity. Love that why the hell not attitude.

roist, the pleasure is mine to have you share such wisdom and thoughts. I have placed your last 2 posts here so I could read them again and I will reply tomorrow.
I really need this now and I want to take full advantage to calm the storm that is boiling under the surface now.

I look forward to our chat for this.

Thank you my friend.

[roist]

I will help if I can. I am busy this week but will check in from time to time. Best wishes

[Phoebe]

SH, I am right there with you one the simmering emotions. In fact I was just posting a little bit about that on my own journal lately. I went so long without having any appreciable amount of anger, and now something is changing. I think that I am just getting tired of the whole thing dragging on and on. I just want to get to the next stage of my life.

Maybe it's impatience, but It feels like i have this new and growing kernel of anger and it just pops out in unexpected places. I'm not generally an angry person, yet I feel myself getting annoyed and impatient sometimes and I can't pin down a real reason.

You mentioned the groundhog day syndrome and I am right there with you on that one, too. It's the reason that, early on, I decided to choose a small number of threads to follow here, because they are all so heartbreaking. I could get to know a few people without draining away what strength I gained here, and we could all move forward together. I'm so glad I found you, Sage Homme, and all the others that I have come to "know."

So my usual advice is: acknowledge the way you are feeling and let yourself feel it. Period. It worked for grief, so why not with these new feelings as we continue our journey forward? If the tsunami waves were normal, then so are these spikes of anger and annoyance. Recognize them, feel them, and let them pass on through. The only difference is that these spikes can damage other people along the way, so we need to consciously work to control the fallout. We need to consciously redirect the anger away from those we love and care about and recognize what is actually underlying the anger/annoyance.

For example, my being upset with my L-friend for the recent music wars while driving was really about me being reminded of the way my WH used to behave when I was driving us back and forth between our two homes over the last year he was here. I felt like I was a damn chauffeur - no conversation or touch. He'd just surf the internet on his phone and basically ignore me. I'd tell him that I wished he would talk to me to help me stay alert for the drive, and I'd be met with annoyance, like I was nagging, when I just was looking for attention. In hindsight this was all just part of his checking out.

Anyway, after the music argument with L-friend, I realized that I was not really mad at him, even though his sensitivity in sharing his opinions could use an upgrade. I was actually triggered by reminders of WH and taking it out on L-friend. Being stuck in a car with someone who was pushing my buttons repeatedly (if unknowingly) just brought back the feeling of rejection I had with WH when we drove together, and that, in turn, made me angry that I was feeling that way again.

Sorry for the rambling hijack/

Point being, SH - It's all normal. We just need to find a new set of management strategies because this set of emotions can harm the ones we love and depend on.

Keep on journaling, SH. It helps me so much. In fact, just writing on your thread has given me a cleared understanding of what I was feeling with L-friend and the battle of the bands.

((((((((((Sparrow Hawk))))))))))

[Melo]

Hey SH, just showing some support and offering prayers for you. Thank you so much for your feedback on my sitch, I really appreciate it; your words have brought me comfort when I needed it the most.

[SH_]

SH, I am flattered you sought me out to give my opinion. Here are a few of my thoughts.

It is interesting you quoted MWD on the LRT and only quoted the first of the three possible outcomes.Nothing happens. From my observations here, I think that it is too early to state it has not had a positive effect on your W. You cannot know that and it really does take a long time to cause a shift.

I think my focus on just the first thing, is because I believe that I found DB much to late. My sitch blew up and out so fast I barely had a chance to react. Thats not to say I did not have 20 years to react in a different manner, but to this day, no explanation, no talks, no nothing. No OM either.

I guess I just feel that nothing I am doing is noticed from a stand point other than she is angry about it all in her comments to my D's.
But, I get your point.

I often use the frozen lake analogy to describe the DB process. DBing thaws the WAS from the inside out just like a frozen lake. The ice gets thinner and thinner but on the surface it remains unchanged and frozen. Do not assume anything but also don't sit there watching for it to melt.

This is a good one and very true. I think my concern is I am not waiting for anything to thaw in her.
I am waiting to move on with life. I think this makes me feel bad. Why do I feel a sense of freedom from her, when I should be feeling loss?

My time since this all blew up has been short. There is no OM to make me feel better giving up. My D's need a mother, but she has not been that for them and so I do not feel it a loss.
Am I rewriting history myself and all I can see is the emotional prison that feel I was trapped in with her for so many years? After reading DB I see so many issues in our MR when I was lulled into thinking it was just normal married life.

This pulls at me in my thoughts.

I think you have done great. That bond between you and D17 has strengthened so much in this process even though ye seemed close before. That is priceless and may not have happened to the same extent if this crap had not happened.

Thank you. My daughters are my pride and joy and where I have felt true love. I know the love of a child is different than that of a S, but I wonder some days if I ever truly loved my W.
Why do I ponder this of late?
My bond with D18 has grown stronger through all of this I have no doubt.
I pray I can do that with d5 as well.

You seem to have grown impatient recently.Why is that? Had you hoped all the great stuff on your side of the fence would have drawn W out of her fog by now? Are you realising that regardless what you do it may nit get her back? Those changes and great improvements are for you. You have embraced that. Your W has noticed your improved lifestyle.She has. But for now she is clouded by other stuff. That cloud could be there for years to come or could lift next week. Don't sit and wait.

I am afraid my impatience may be quite the opposite of hope for her to come out of the fog.
The ILYBNILWY that I have for her is getting stronger each day and with every infrequent interaction I have with her. I feel like I want her to simply go away, because every little interaction she has with me is of such a silly and childish manner, that I just don't want the bother any longer.

Today for example, I texted her to confirm the time and plan to pick up d5 for a parent teacher conference this evening. I was to pick up d5 from STBXW classroom to go meet d5's teacher.
The response was, Its in the email I sent you last week.
My first feeling and reaction was to laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of the response as my inquiry was more about the exchange of d5. The email she forwarded me last week was the school form letter of events and all. I was in an office and actually did start laughing.
I simply responded, Thank you. I will drop by your classroom to pick up D5 during the times for the conferences. Have a wonderful day. (smiley face)

A couple of hours later she texts me the wrong times. Then texts again some minutes later with an apology and the correct times and requested that I text her when I got to the school.
I find the whole thing funny and see her as I would see any other difficult person that I would have to interact with in life.
I saw her at the school and nothing. I felt nothing. Not worry. Not anger. Not love. I did feel a little pity as her classrooms AC was not working and she looked hot and uncomfortable. She actually struck up small talk with me to tell me of the issue. I smiled, wished her much that it could be fixed before the kids start school and bid her good night.

So my ramble here equals, I am feeling nothing for her good nor bad. I only want to have the thread that attaches us severed so I can move on with life. But I think there is guilt that gnaws at me for this feeling. Is this supposed to be happening after the emotional crisis I went through when it felt like losing her was shatter any hope of a happy future?

I think having a WAW is in some ways harder to deal with than a WW. A WW will behave and do stuff that pushes the lbs to "had enough" stage faster. A WAW gives false hope because there is no one else involved. That hope holds many lbs back.

Agreed. I find myself wishing that there was an OM so I could make sense of this and blame someone.
Maybe that is my issue. I don't blame her for leaving me. Or I blame her to much. Or I blame me.....to much. I don't know. Maybe I need to be able to lay the blame somewhere and feel confident in where so I can have closure.
Is it closure I want? I don't think it is reconciliation. Or is it?
I am not sure as the war over this rages in my mind and soul more than I would want it to.

Over the last 20 months, I have come to a stand still many times faced with a decision on how to proceed. Earlier on I put myself under unnecessary pressure to decide NOW about the future. However now when faced with the same type of crossroads, I acknowledge that it would be good to decide definitely now the best way forward, but it is not a necessity. Furthermore I can change my mind further down the road if I don't like my choice. This situation is stressful enough without imposing self imposed unnecessary stresses as well.

I believe that I am drawn to your wisdom and thoughts as you have walked this path for a long time. You have evolved. You have changed. That is what I desire to do myself.
The pressure you speak of is real. I know I do it. I have always done it and then I buckle when I can not seem to get it in order.
I fear that I pulled the final threads of my MR because of unneeded self imposed pressure and I stumbled and then buckled in front of her. She had enough. Did she add to that pressure? Or was it all me?
I am not sure. But I want to avoid that now.
But I have dreams and plans that have now had an anchor tossed onto them.
I must heed your advice.
I need balance.
I can still make progress.
I can do it with less pressure and more motivation.
I am seeking clarity for this.

I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.

Best wishes. Hopefully something in what I said will help you. If you want my to clarify anything, let me know.

Thank you. I feel grounded emotionally at the point. From the roller coaster that is. I still have work to ground myself with confidence and decisiveness for sound decisions and opportunities. But I do know that some heavy lifting to get my emotional state in place has paid off. Still some big challenges left, but I am at least stable for now.

I look forward to your thoughts to my responses.
Please take your time as I know you are busy this week. No hurry as I will also ponder what I have thrown up here.

Thank you my friend. You are a wise person. I see and sense that in your postings, feedback and efforts for your self.