My wife thinks we're piecing (2)

[EDF]

Starting a new thread.

Original thread.

Really quick recap from old thread:
Wife sent a NC email to OM about three weeks ago.

I've written an update post on my overall sitch a few times over the past couple weeks, but keep scrapping it... situation is fuzzy. In a nutshell: As far as I can tell WW has maintained NC with OM and I'm sure she would say we're "piecing". Things have been nice, and her actions have remained very promising, but I don't fully trust it yet. Right now I'm just trying to avoid labeling it; allowing myself to enjoy my time with her, while still enjoying my own GAL stuff and friends as well, and just letting some time pass while I'm focused on being my best me.

I'm not 100% sure she is not in contact with OM via a new email address or something. Wish I knew but trying to not stress about it and just focus on my end. One thing I am sure about is I am getting pretty [censored] awesome. The exercise and GAL activities are paying off big time. I am in much better shape, have clothes that fit better, am more comfortable around people, and am able to have fun when wife is not around. I still very much hope I am able to rebuild a new relationship with my current wife, but if she fucks it up I will be ok. Not saying it won't be painful, but I will be ok.

[Rose888]

That all sounds very promising.

I guess we are also piecing, and I am coming to realize that GAL and focusing on me are long term. I need to continue them even though things seem better than pre-BD.

[CT1118]

One thing I am sure about is I am getting pretty [censored] awesome. The exercise and GAL activities are paying off big time. I am in much better shape, have clothes that fit better, am more comfortable around people, and am able to have fun when wife is not around. I still very much hope I am able to rebuild a new relationship with my current wife, but if she fucks it up I will be ok. Not saying it won't be painful, but I will be ok.

EDF,this is an awesome quote my friend. I am not near the piecing stage yet, but can relate 100% to what you said here.

... I am coming to realize that GAL and focusing on me are long term. I need to continue them...

That's right, life lessons learned here, the joy of the GAL, seizing the day, leaving laziness and loneliness behind.

[EDF]

Mood has been up and down lately. I tend to be very introspective - keep catching myself thinking about negative "what if" scenarios, and playing out imaginary conversations/arguments in my head. I am trying to shut them down when it happens and just focus on taking it a day at a time, but after having been deceived so long it's so easy for the imagination to run amok.

Example: W is invited to a relative's wedding shower next weekend when I will be out of town for an event. She says she's uncertain what she'll do and if she'll go, and my mind starts conjuring up negative scenarios... is she waiting to see if OM will be available for a secret rendevous?

Example: W had invited me to her class reunion, which I attended and it went very well. As we're leaving, I point out I think she forgot her jacket inside, and she goes back in and out quick to get it while I sit in the running car and my mind starts to wonder if her forgetting her jacket was an elaborate ruse and she's going to exchange contact info with someone while I'm not there?

Stuff like that keeps popping into my head

On the positive/GAL side, the reunion really did seem to go well. I did really good on the small talk. There was one person she said 'hi' to and hadn't seen since high school, and the conversation died quickly. I noticed his subtle themed shirt and parlayed it into a solid 10 minute convo about a hobby he was passionate about. I also "performed" well chatting with various people. As someone who's been incredibly shy and socially awkward for a very long time, it was very fulfilling to finally feel like I was navigating the social situation well. As a bonus, W definitely noticed and complimented.

Any thoughts on how to handle the W out-of-town wedding shower invite? I've avoided asking or pressuring anything about it, and I know the invite is legit, but it's kinda triggering me (out of town solo trip).

(FYI I've been hesitant to use the word 'piecing' for our situation as I'm still paranoid for "the other shoe to drop"... so far I have continued trying to avoid talking about my feelings, or my triggers or anything... just been staying focused on being independent DB/GAL man since I'm not 100% sure where she's at mentally and how much fog is still there)

Asking her to go with me instead, or to send me lots of photo proof of who she's hanging out with sounds like weak/pursuing/whiny behavior... but yea I'd really rather she not be out of town without me at this point.

[Buxom]

Hi EDF. I'm really not sure how to respond and I cannot give advice at this point. I wanted to support you in your struggles and send positive energy your way.
I'm all too familiar with the possible scenarios and the conversations I'm so sure will go exactly as I've rehearsed. They all seem so reasonable at the time and I've realised that I'm just torturing may self over and over with the same themes. Insanity.
I hope others will be able to help out as these are really good questions. How are u two working on trust?

[sandi2]

Did your W agree to transparency?

[EDF]

We haven't had a big R talk since the NC email about a month ago. She agreed to NC, said she would be willing to do MC, and had agreed to transparency as a vague general principle but we didn't really talk specifics at that time. I haven't pushed to get more granular because I was watching to see whether she actually seemed committed and putting in effort, or whether this was just a tactic.

In the month since, she has seemed earnest about it. She uses her phone and ipad openly in front of me, doesn't hesitate to open her email in front of me, sometimes leaves her devices out open and unlocked when she leaves the room, and volunteers information about her schedule.

She hasn't spontaneously volunteered her device unlock codes or various login credentials. I haven't asked for them because I (unbeknownst to her) already have all that stuff and have been using my access (including phone finder) to discreetly verify things.

I am as confident as I could reasonably be that she hasn't seen him in person since NC (unless they meet for lunch or get their nails done at the same place). I cannot be sure she doesn't have a new web-based email account.

At the moment I think she's either honestly maintaining NC, or is doing a very good job of laying low for now. Since I can't be certain which, I've been generally avoiding displays of unhappiness, or talking about feelings, etc and maintaining that aspect of DB by projecting upbeat & positive/light & breezy... it's fake less often than it used to be.

As far as her general behavior, we spend a lot of time together, she invites me to things and suggest things for us to do, and she's being more compassionate and touchy/feely with me.

Which is not to say that she is always sunshine and rainbows, but there hasn't been the previous really toxic/rebellious behavior. The worst thing she has done that I am aware of is an occasional "playful" joking that would be fine in a normal relationship but stings given what we are going through.

For example, one night I told her I could really use some extra touching/cuddling, and she responded playfully "waaa waa waa" while doing what I wanted. It happens rarely enough that I haven't made a big deal of it, but am planning to say something if she does it again. I don't think she necessarily is intending it to hurt me or mock me - her sense of humor has always been a little tone-deaf at times... she once (years ago) made an inappropriate joke at a relative's funeral about the way his face kinda contorted at the time of passing, and was very confused about why people were upset at the joke, and her "grieving via humor". Normally she's fine, but sometimes she just doesn't "get" things.

[EDF]

At the very least, I think she is still somewhat in the fog and doesn't really understand the amount of pain she has caused. It wouldn't surprise me if she she still views the EA as an understandable response to what I had "put her through" with my years of emotional unavailability.

[sandi2]

I'm sorry I forget sometimes, are the two of you living in separate places? B/c I wouldn't call it piecing, or even having much transparency if living separately. However, you could be working toward reconciliation of the MR. If she is willing to attend MC and she's showing cooperation, acting respectfully, and being truthful (to your knowledge), then that is a start to reconciling. I think far too many men let their WW back into the MR too quickly and without requiring them to do the work necessary in piecing back the M.

Don't put off getting a highly recommended M therapist. If there's been an A, then you need one who counsels in healing from A's. Don't leave it up to your W to find one. You need to be the one who chooses the therapist. Expect it to take time to work through these issues. Don't get into a hurry to patch things up and sweep stuff under the rug.

You need to communicate to your W if she means what she said, then you need her to cooperate, willingly, in a plan of transparency. Explain to her that it is a way to verify the trust she needs to build, and it's for her sake as well as for yours. It helps her stay on the straight & narrow as she is proving herself, and it helps soothe your hurt and worry if you can trust your heart in her care again.

WW's who have not been informed about things (like what we discuss on the board), don't know everything you've learned. They are like uninformed, so don't expect her to automatically know what you need or what she should do. WW's are still very touchy, too proud, and stubborn. Many will tell the H that he will just have to trust her and that she's not going to give an account of her activities. They don't like that idea, and some may see the H setting himself up as her judge or prison guard. That's not the purpose, nor the attitude he should have. He needs to gently explain that they have to go back into the MR with a workable plan. If they blindly start up where they left off......they will find themselves right back here in this spot again.

Trust is the biggest issue, IMHO. It covers such a wide area. It's not the only issue, of course, but that is probably one of the more painful things that included betrayal. Speaking as one who was in the position of the WW, I would not have understood just how painful that act of betrayal was to my H.......if not for the men who came to this board and poured out their pain for me to read. And with every fiber of honesty (if you don't think that's too ironic to hear from a former WW), I still don't really know what it's like to be in the shoes of the betrayed. If your W has not experienced it, then she won't know. And, I'll tell you something else.....her mindset at the moment, may prevent her from really trying to see just how badly she hurt you. I was that way.....and I was here getting the information. I was so full of resentment that had been in my heart for many years, and it just about whipped me. It took me a long time to get my heart right again. Waywardness is born in the heart/attitude, and it takes time to kill it down to the roots.

If your WW has recently ended contact with OM, then she'll start experiencing withdrawals. That is the most critical time for her. She will need a lot of support while going through it, or she'll break and contact him.....and then it will be to do over again. If you need to monitor her messages to see if she is backsliding. You don't have to discuss everything, or ask a lot of questions. If she's making contact, she'll get careless. I also suggest you not look every day, b/c it could overtake you and become an obsession. Once a man reads some content between his W and OM, it's hard to get it out of his head. So, beware and only do what you can handle, as you enter into this phase of transparency.

[EDF]

Thanks for the input Sandi! FYI we have remained living together, and both still in the MBR.

After three really good weeks, the past couple days she has seemed a bit more distant/preoccupied, and a bit snippier, but I'm not freaking out yet... just trying to remain a lighthouse.

Regarding this weekend, she has decided to not go to the wedding shower, but has said she may be visiting friends while I'm out of town for my event. Would it be reasonable transparency to ask her to call to check in with me and send me selfies of her with her friends, or would that be smothering/controlling? Would it be inappropriate for me to ask her to come to my event instead and avoid any solo stuff for the moment?

I don't want to come across as overly needy/whiny/controlling, but given her slight mood change and the pending solo weekend time... if she was going to relapse and seek out OM, it would be a great opportunity for it.