UR, I don't know how you do it, but you do it. You understand what I feel and what I think, then simplify it for me and clear it up. I love you for that. And you are right about NG. Everything you said. he retreated back to his comfort zone because he hasn't done the work. he admits he walks away from the ones he loves. And I am proud that I am doing what is right and true to me, even outside of my comfort zone. Being still, not chasing, not trying to get someone else to understand, not fighting for what I feel should be the way things are..... way out of my comfort zone, but the right thing to do for me.
I've always been open-minded and looked at things from other people's view points. I want to understand where everyone is coming from. Sometimes we just can't. Nailed it, got to accept what is. I feel myself doing that, even it feels counterintuitive.
My social calendar is actually filled in my free time, so I am definitely taking time for me. D will be gone in a week for a week. I'll miss her but its some time to catch up with me.
G, I think you know this about me, although I am not sure. I dont let many people into my life. I have a very small circle. By choice for sure.
I have to feel a connection of some sort. I have to feel safe. I felt both of those with you. First with your writing, then when we met.
I sometimes think you dont see all that you are. We often dont.
That comfort zone, man, it's scary, yea? But look at you...pushing on the sides of it for you.
I am honored to know you, my friend. I am always here, rooting you on and praying for you and your daughter.
Love you, too.
I've been reading this with tears. But also a heart filled with joy. JOY. I felt it again. That overwhelming warm feeling. I've felt that same connection with you and am truly honored to be considered a friend and in that close safe place.
I hope you see all that you are, as well. Us broads from Brooklyn, we are going to be just fine........
I ran across this thread and marveled at how much great advice and how many great comments were provided in only three pages. Mozza, Sotto, SunFun, UnderdogMaybell, Dawn70 and others - wow such great comments!
I then went on to read more threads, especially Ginger1's thread and low and behold, it landed me back here - I at first didn't know this was G's latest incarnation. Stay with me, I am getting to a point here, LOL. I hit upon and followed Giner's posts as I so fear that even if I do get what I think I want and find someone (again you'll have to read my thread) it could well end up like it has for Giner. My heart goes out to you Ginger. I can just tell how bad you feel. I've been there and totally don't want to go back. But that said... here's my point: (see told you I'd get to it)
Ginger, I got through it all and you will too. I only wish I could be your age again. Your life is not over - not even close. I have such a strong sense that if you just let go and focus on your daughter, your career and your life, the guy you are looking for is going to find you. He really will.
I have never met you, but I am getting a bit of a sense of who you are from reading your very honest comments. I would just suggest that you at least consider that you are trying a bit too hard and not at all living in the moment. I have been guilty of the same thing at times in my life so I know a bit of what I speak. You meet someone on a dating app, text and without even having a first date are already thinking about the future. Let me just tell you that from a guy's point of view, it will scare even the best of us away. Hard as it may be, I really would suggest that you just go and have fun. That should be your only goal - not a second date, not getting him in your life, not anything else - just have fun. If more happens, great. If not, that's fine too as you have your daughter and everything else going for you - plus you'll have learned something. Make the guy deserve and pursue you - not the other way around. He should be lucky to go out with you - not the other way around. Don't even think about what you ultimately really want. Guys can sense desperation and while you are likely not "desperate" in the true sense, it may appear that way. Allow him to pursue you. It's the old dog metaphor - chase the dog and he will run away, stop chasing the dog and he comes around to you.
I am saying these things from the best of places I can - not at all to make you feel bad. Please receive these words as intended. Above all, it breaks my heart as much if not more for your daughter. At her young age she is already struggling with her mom and dad no longer being together. Bringing guys in and out of her life that she then gets attached to without any control is not at all a good idea. I think you get that but let it happen anyhow. Please do all you can to never let that happen again. I can tell you that any guy worth your time will totally understand. I just had to say that.
I know it's so much easier for me to say this than to believe it, I often struggle even though I know it's the case - most times things don't work out, it's more about the other person than it is about you. BELIEVE IT. Even ExNG pretty much admitted it. He doesn't have complaints about you, who you are, he's just not in that place - It's about him.
Anyhow, I hope that helps. Part of participating here is not just trying to have people help me, it's about me hopefully helping others. At least that's my goal. I have every confidence things are going to work out for you. It really will.
Don
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Funny, Don, as you were reading my post, I was reading yours! I am supposed to be reading for school right now, lol. I'd love to address everything, but I don't have much time now. But I will say thank you for taking the time out and giving me that great feedback.
I am a reincarnation, as I showed up here 8 years ago a scared woman with an infant who's husband had left her for the other woman. I have cycled through every stage you have mentioned. I somehow cycled back to that almost desperation stage as you mentioned. Not desperation, just a strong wanting. I had a taste with a guy I dated and I was hungry for more, I guess.
I'll just let you know, that in my 8 years of being a single mom, my D has met only one guy I dated and I truly felt it had a future. Or I hoped. And it was only this year. But I don't regret it. It was a good experience for her. For us. He was completely awesome to her. But I'm not much of a dater because my priority is my D, and has been always. Unless I think a guy is sticking around for a while, she won't meet him. Which makes it that much harder to date in my circumstance, but so be it.
When I do date, I'm not marrying them in my head. They do need to be future material, not unemployed with no direction, money, car, or motivation. I'm just one of those people either there is a connection, or there isn't. I pretty much figure that out right away before I think of anything further. Truth be told, the guys I have dated since I have known on a friend level first, or have been a friend of a friend I have had an immediate connection with.
Anyways, I did have such a great weekend with great friends, I realized anyone who wants to join in on that fun would be a great enhancement to my life, rather than make my life. I make an excellent odd number wheel right now and am so thankful how no one cares I am the only one uncoupled. I love to have fun and enjoy other people's company. Next weekend I'll be spending with some great friends too. (If I get my schoolwork done).
I think I am where my life is good, I have a strong foundation of friends and family, I just want to share it with someone. When it's time, it's time, but I'm not looking for anything right now.
I don't want to at all put you in the position of feeling you have to defend anything. Not at all. I just wanted to point some things out. I think a good part of the reason that I took hours and hours to read pretty much everything you've written is because you and I are much in the same place. Yes we are over 15 years apart in age and in different stages of life but much of the rest fits from both being in healthcare, 8/10 years divorced looking for someone and getting "a taste" with someone and wanting more. The possible difference is my taste didn't throw me back as much as it seems to have you. For me, the girl was taking things a bit too fast for me, was too soon out of her D for my comfort and then the circumstances of having three kids and 18 years with the guy she had divorced (or was separated from) allowed me to back out with not too much depression. Yeah it hurt but knowing she was not the one made it easier. Still, it's been since that happened three years ago this summer that I've really wanted to find someone else - so I get it. I really do.
I know you're not just taking anyone, but when you find a guy that checks your boxes, I just get the sense you are off to the races - at least in your head. Just my sense - something to consider.
I then also have to wonder if you're over-looking things because you want it so bad. Hind-sight is always easier to be sure. However, I think even as you look back at ExNG you now see warning signs that were likely there all along. It's a balance of needing to accept someone as he is and not change him but then also not give up too much. This is all so darn hard isn't it?
Then finally, with your daughter. I'm really glad that it seems to have ended okay this time. What's done is done and you can't un-ring that bell. Just, if I can say it, please be careful in the future. Think about how bad you felt about the breakup. The thing is, you control that to a point. Your D had zero control. Someone came into her life who she started to have feelings for and was taken away completely out of her control. She sounds like a very smart, beyond her years girl. That is a huge credit to you. You are raising a great D. But remember she is only 8. Kids can't begin to process and understand things like adults. This does not apply to you with only one guy but for other kids who's mothers or fathers bring people in and our of their lives, it writes on the slate of who they are. Experts near totally agree to just never interject kids until you are near positive. Many say somewhere between 6 months and one year. I'm very glad it seems to have ended well this time. Just please don't chance it again.
Finally, I'm typically a decent judge of people - again unless I'm dating them LOL - and you sound much stronger the past week or so. You will get through this. Even with my tales of woe through the past years, what I'm experiencing now was not at all the case when I was your age. No clue what changed but I have every confidence you are going to find someone. I'm rather sure of it. If I'm concerned about anything it's you may not be able to keep your foot of the gas enough for things to develop at a decent pace. For what it's worth, that's where I'd suggest you put your focus.
Oh, and I started this with how much you and I are alike, I may have saved the best for last? LOL WAW was a nurse! Go figure!
Glad we could interact. I'll keep watching your progress.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Hey Ginger. I'm not here to dismiss any advice, obviously there is wisdom behind all of it. I will say I think you are doing awesome.
You went through a tough loss and stumbled but didn't fall. You have your head screwed on straight and your priorities in order. I think it is totally normal to want someone else in your life, or to be frustrated when it doesn't work out.
Sometimes I wonder about how much advice we should try to apply. I mean, on the one extreme we could do absolutely nothing to reflect on how to approach dating and just act like victims when it doesn't work out. But the other extreme is to become super analytical and self critical about everything, figuring if it isn't working it's all our fault, and that if only we can do it just right it will work. Be not too desperate, have fun date by date, be ok on your own, don't think people will change, don't get ahead of yourself, look for people that make you happy and don't worry about what you offer...all good advice to a point. But at what point do we follow the advice of "don't become neurotic trying to get everything perfect thinking that's the only way you deserve or will find a partner?" This is on the heels of me admitting that I fight this battle quite a bit in different areas of my life. And I think DB Forums by nature attract people that are analytical and reflective, so we forget that millions upon millions of people just couple up despite not giving a lot of strategic thought to it, so thinking that it's a puzzle that only sherlock holmes can solve isn't really the case.
Lord, I'm jealous of animals. You don't see birds posting on forums or tormenting themselves over the wording of their online profile. They just spread out some colorful feathers and whistle a few times and away they go. And I rarely see codependent birds with addictions and boundary issues trying to rescue each other and seething with resentment.
I do think it's inevitable you'll be in a good relationship. You have a ton to offer and from what you listed above don't seem to be too inflexible. It will happen for you. And in the meantime you're doing great. Anyway, thanks for being around and take care.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Lord, I'm jealous of animals. You don't see birds posting on forums or tormenting themselves over the wording of their online profile. They just spread out some colorful feathers and whistle a few times and away they go. And I rarely see codependent birds with addictions and boundary issues trying to rescue each other and seething with resentment.
This made me chuckle! I can see where you're coming from because TPT wasn't widowed too long (she may not even have been widowed) before she jumped on someone else's husband. I think it's because she must be a two-legged canine.... So no over-analysing for her!
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I do think it's inevitable you'll be in a good relationship. You have a ton to offer and from what you listed above don't seem to be too inflexible. It will happen for you. And in the meantime you're doing great.
Totally agree!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Wow! Thanks for all the repsonses! I love the feedback I get on here. It's extremely helpful to me, which is why I find my way back.
DonH- Wow! thanks for taking the time to spend reading my recent posts. I wish it gave you a little more enocuargement, but I guess it does seem gloomy and doomy lately. Honestly, those from the boards who know me personally know my recent postings don't accurately reflect ME, but more of a little part in my life I struggle with.
This last R is the only one that has thrown me for a loop. The other small dating experiences, not so much. We ended things still in love with each other, which is never easy. I have absolutely zero regrets with this R. I would have done absolutely nothing differently. I came to him with my needs when they weren't being met, and what I asked for was very small. He told me he couldn't do it (come see me every 4-6 weeks) so I chose to end it. he was confused, and bounced from wanting me to ask me to move in with him 3 months in (he never did though) he was the one who said "I love you" first with zero pressure from me, then he wanted me to move to his area, but not in with him, which I wouldn't do. When I made the big out of state move, it had to be a one time deal. I in no way showed desperation. He was the needy one, not me. I happen to be a woman with a goal and path who knows what I want. And I have no problem taking it slow to get there as long as me and the person I am dating have the same goals. His goals and what he wants kept on changing. It hurt me and I couldn't deal anymore.
Just a question, what do you mean in regards to my daughter and dating "not to chance it again?" I do feel everything in life is a chance. There are no guarentees in life. I can't guarantee that I am going that it will work out in the end with anyone I date. I'll always act in the best interest of my D and be careful, but I will take chances. Dating with a young one is certainly tricky. You don't want to wait too long and find out your kid doesn't like the guy you are dating or his kids. I would hate to get to the point of absolute commitment and find that out. There are no hard and fast rules on that one. When I feel it's right (and I have been pretty good about that) I'll do it.
I have been feeling much stronger, thank you. Truth be told, not much I can do about this area of my life right now. My schedule is completely packed through October with D cheerleading, school. work, school restarting...... dating is just not feasible right now. So, I'm just enjoying what's around me. I am super super stressed about school right now, so that takes up my time. I have surgery next week. I have full weekends. My plate is overwhelmingly full. I'm just accepting life, in the now, as it is!
