The lie continues...

[CT1118]

Thanks mvgfwd2. Hey, I am aware of it, but I need to hear it out loud from something other than my own head. I am going to need to re-read it, I am going to trust you (and others) will know when to say it to me again.

The fog is still thick and from what I have been reading, it could be a while before it lifts.

You know, it's some real noble Hollywood crap when people say "I would fight Hell for you" to someone they love. What people do not realized is that fight will take place in yourself and not the person you say it to. That is what makes the things we are all going through (or have been through) here so dmn demanding. But I have realized this - as painful as everything has been or will be be, I am a better person b/c of it. I cannot deny WW this gift she has given, I would have preferred she used different methods, but I got here nonetheless. I don't take it personally anymore - that was part of my wake up.

Still in the fight for me. Thanks

[ForGump]

"What are your goals at this point?" ... In WW, she stops her A

That seems like a good tangible milepost to let you know DB is working.

Enjoyed Trumpet's analogy of 10 down, 90 to go, 3 yards of dust at a time.

Good to see DB is working for some people.

[CT1118]

I like the analogy too, I am not a football fan, but I am an American so its very easy to picture context in my mind.

I imagine its working, but we never really know do we, part of the problem. That said, thank you for the boost. Sticking with the analogy though, I am still a long way from doing the touchdown dance. Minor contact today (email) from WW - regarded when we would exchange S4 tomorrow, very brief. I can't wait to get off work - this time of day is when the "what's happening" vibe creeps on me the most. I get my S4 tonight though - excited.

[ForGump]

Not much of a football fan myself.

Skating by the sea is more up my alley.

[CT1118]

Not much of a football fan myself.

Skating by the sea is more up my alley.

Where is the 'like' icon?

[CT1118]

Last night was first night I had S4 in 4 nights and first time since I did 2nd BD. It was the 1st night after WW called me crying and apologizing and telling me what a mess she was,this is all her fault. I had almost zero contact w/ WW yesterday and today she came over and picked up S4 at 930am. We had brief conversation and the bulk of it about S4. Yeah, I followed the rules for shortness. Walking the dog down for a walk at the same time WW and S4 were leaving, WW gave me a hug, I reciprocated, which is allowed in some strategies for an MLC if they initiate and you don't turn it into a thing. Had a great day of GAL, was going to take it further with a gym run tonight, still might, but took my first nap in many months and now a bit groggy. I did also write down some goals for me, the WW, and mileposts based upon some posts and questions I was asked yesterday. I also wrote in my personal journal.
Just here realizing WW will drop off S4 tomorrow at 9 am for my weekend day w him. Sunday's are the days when WW would lie the most about - would spend whole day with AP. Anyway, this is a fact I cannot control. I will focus on a joy the day w/ my S4. Detachment is a very long and slow reflective process. WW's sad reflective phone call showed me she is realizing she has broken some things, but it does not mean she is going to end her A anytime soon. I just wish I could hit fast forward into the day when she realizes how uncomfortable she is around the AP due to her own recognition. Why, that is the 2nd step for my WW in my mind. The first was to begin to wake up, which she showed me the other night. But again, i can't control that.

This really more of a journal post, just to get off my mind. I think I need to shake off this nap and hit that gym. Too many hours left in the day, it's storming outside, and I can't sit here with an iPad and some shtty movies killing time alone.

[CT1118]

Glad I went to the gym. Feeling much better, clearer, and peaceful inside my head. Rock climbing gym, great because while the body is hurting, it requires more focus than a run - when I run my mind does not quit thinking, when I climb, my mind is all about not falling - thinking through each move - making sure I have the grip to get there - it takes strength, patience, and a clear mind to climb. While I was driving home, I thought the experience of climbing is not too much unlike my R or lack there of right now.

I really am deliberate everyday to take action on myself. And believe me I do a lot. I completely filled my day with physical recreation to tire myself out for the evening. I still need this to make my body so tired so my head is clear. I look forward to when, while I still do my GAL, I won't need to beat my body to pieces with physical exercise to have a clear mind. Our relationships, our gifts, and our health should be the most important thing in life. If all my possessions were taken away (and I don't have many), my health, my talents, and my relationships would be all I have. I need to remember to stop always trying to get somewhere, need to stop and look around every now and then, I may already be there.

[CT1118]

I can see by my "views" to my posts that more people read this than comment, which is fine. So, I hope my story is at least helpful to some, relatable to some, or worthy of the reads in some way.

So, WW just dropped off S4 at my apartment. I must admit, I was feeling the full weight of the drop off conversation and was trying to hold my mind together. I realized my mind was starting to spiral and I was backsliding - if nowhere else but in my own head. So, I had to say out loud to myself : I can't control her actions, I can only control mine, I am going to have fun when S4 gets here, I accept this situation and am willing to give her space and take my own. I grabbed my guitar and played to keep my mind off it all.

WW arrived w/ S4 and as I have come to do my immediate attention was towards S4. I listened to WW tell me about what her and S4 did the day before. She said a few things and I validated. She asked what S4 would be doing as I was not offering, so I shared my plans in brief. We spoke about a few joint money items. She asked what I had done the night before, so I told her again in brief, but politely. Then she said she had to go which I simply said ok, S4 and I are going to get going as well. WW said "bye" as she was walking out and, while I had not said her name in almost two weeks, it blurted out by impulse "bye [name]". So i messed that part up, but again, recognize and reorganize, move forward.

I feel good now that I am through it, will not see or speak much to WW during work week as I have not for the past two. The anxiety was not good today, but much better than in the past. And I feel like I held my lines well. So, quick update, and now the rain has stopped, so going out to enjoy my son.

[Sotto]

Hi CT, well done with managing the anxiety. Using coping techniques like you did helps build resilience, and that's such a good thing, however life unfolds.

I don't think using your W's name was a slip-up and I wouldn't worry about that. The time to worry is when she's trying to get out of the door and you're holding on to her ankles, crying please love me!! Best not to do that...

Sounds like you are doing well in tough circumstances my friend

[CT1118]

Hi CT, well done with managing the anxiety. Using coping techniques like you did helps build resilience, and that's such a good thing, however life unfolds.

I don't think using your W's name was a slip-up and I wouldn't worry about that. The time to worry is when she's trying to get out of the door and you're holding on to her ankles, crying please love me!! Best not to do that...

Sounds like you are doing well in tough circumstances my friend

Thanks Sotto, for the support, but mostly for that middle comment about "holding onto her ankles". Seriously, I have not laughed out loud in quite some time, like can't remember, and that did it for me.

Just got back from park/playground with S4, he is watching cartoons for some afternoon downtime before we hit the pool.