What Should I be Doing (no direction 8)

[DDJ]

Enjoy the swing Coconut, but don't look that far ahead, is what i'm saying. Look at what you have each day. Look at the opportunities that you have to be more you, have fun and live a full life.

Live in the moment and tomorrow will take care of itself.

[Coconut]

So yesterday went fine, after my morning down in the dumps feeling that went away within a couple of hours, I had a good day at work. Went to IC right after work, she was our MC but I told her the A continues so MC is stopping and I changed the appointment to IC.

I filled her in on what has happened since our last MC when we agreed to do a monogamous S, how that night went, my decision to leave the house and then my decision to move back in, how our interactions are now, and most importantly talked about our S. I've let S know that he can go to counseling if he wants someone to talk to, and he is going to be talking to his Sensei (on his own), and counselor said don't force counseling on him unless he starts to show behavior changes.

We also discussed letting my mom know about A. I don't want my MOM thinking I gave up on my M after 4 months of troubles, but I also don't want her to treat my W differently to where it may change the way my S feels about his grandma. Counselor understood my desire to tell my Mom the truth, but said I probably want to handle it as gently as possible for sons sake. I am going to offer my W the opportunity to go with me, I know she wont but I think it would be good if she did, so I will make the offer.

While at counseling and talking about everything, I realized just how free I felt, it was the first time I've gone to counseling without tearing up once, and I just felt good that I no longer have to wonder if something is going on. The inability to trust someone I wanted to be with was killing me, and now that I have released that desire, I feel great. Like I said yesterday, I still mourn what I lost, but I no longer want her and don't mourn our MR.

After counseling, I went home, she came home and we greeted each other, she went in her room, and I left to go meet up with a friend for dinner/drinks, and then we went fishing.. I got home about 1030pm and went to bed, no further interaction with W, other than I checked to make sure she was awake before I left for work this morning.

[roist]

Why are you her alarm clock?

[Coconut]

I checked on her because it's what I wanted to do... I don't expect anything from her for doing it, but I would feel like an azz if she came into work late and I knew I could have simply knocked on her door to wake her up. Actually I'd feel like an azz if I thought about knocking on her door but didn't because I didn't want to do something nice. I don't hate her and I'm not DBng for her, I did it for me.

[sandi2]

I'm sorry. Whether you believe it or not or care, this has been very difficult for me as well. I've been very angry & it has stopped me from processing some of what's happening. Last night when you told me that you are moving out of state, it hit me pretty hard.

I guess I missed something. She is moving? Now she decides she can leave the fire fighting?

FWIW, I think it is important to grieve your loss,, Coconut. If you don't have a period of grief, then aren't you just pushing it down farther inside? You don't have to feel bad for mourning. ((Coconut))

Your mom will need time to process her feelings. I don't think it's fair to take your W along to break the news to your mom. I have been in those shoes, and I doubt I am the only mother who feels that no matter how old her son is..........I still have feelings that a mother has when her child is hurt badly by someone else, especially his W. Years ago my daughter's H had treated her very badly. When they made up, I was still angry at him. She said if she could forgive him, why couldn't I. My answer was, "B/c I am not the one in love with him, and b/c he hurt my child". Eventually, I was able to move on, but it took time. You are your mother's child.

Give your mom the right to feel anger and hurt toward the betrayal of your W. It is normal. Having your W with you when you tell mom could make matters worse. Don't try to force any feelings on your mother, one way or another. Don't try to protect your WW and encourage mom to continue feeling the same as when W was her DIL. This is not the time to tell your mother how to feel about it. You are wanting to hand everything to her in one dose and control how she feels toward your W and S? Could you have been expected to learn what you did at once and it not affect your feelings toward your W? Give your mom some time to process it.

This is part of the fallout, Coconut, and you cannot control these situations. You cannot control the relationships between other people. I understand wanting to protect your S........I really do. But please, don't give your mom all this bad news and then tell her how you want her to feel.

[Coconut]

Sandi,

Quote:

I'm sorry. Whether you believe it or not or care, this has been very difficult for me as well. I've been very angry & it has stopped me from processing some of what's happening. Last night when you told me that you are moving out of state, it hit me pretty hard.

That was my W response to me, about how she felt about me telling her I am looking for work out of state.

Thank you for the advise on telling my mom and letting her process it on her own, I hadn't thought of it that way.

[Coconut]

So my son was getting ready to go to the movies with my son, after showering and get ready I realize he is wearing a firefighter shirt from W station. It is the same shirt I first saw in her texts to OM on bomb drop. I saw a text of her in nothing but the shirt, and said that she only had underwear under there, and what's under there was reserved just for him...

Real Fn nice. I'm taking him to my moms tonight for family game night, and I doubt he will change before we go.

So I text W that I can't believe she bought him that shirt, that was a cruel thing to do.

[Rose888]

Why did you text her? You have nothing to gain from that exchange.

[Ginger1]

I know it must seem to cruel to you. But I would bet that did not even cross her mind. She got her son a shirt from the fire station. I can definitely see how it would be a trigger and upsetting to see. But I highly doubt that was what went through her mind when she got her son a t shirt. Of course you think it should have went through her mind, because it went through yours and left such an impact on you.

I almost didn't let my D go to my ex's wedding. Last minute I did, and it was very painful to me. The following Easter, he sends her to my house in the very dress she wore to their wedding. Kicked me in the gut. Tears came out. My ex could be pretty inconsiderate, but I don't even think he thought about it. I think he just put her in the fancy dress for easter. Part of me wanted to say something, the other part knew nothing would be gained from it. So, I didn't do it. It didn't stop me from enjoying Easter with my baby. Don't let a T-shirt make you react when there is nothing to be gained from it, and enjoy your family game night with Son!!!

[SH_]

So my son was getting ready to go to the movies with my son, after showering and get ready I realize he is wearing a firefighter shirt from W station. It is the same shirt I first saw in her texts to OM on bomb drop. I saw a text of her in nothing but the shirt, and said that she only had underwear under there, and what's under there was reserved just for him...

Real Fn nice. I'm taking him to my moms tonight for family game night, and I doubt he will change before we go.

So I text W that I can't believe she bought him that shirt, that was a cruel thing to do.

C-nut my friend.
Detach.
I chuckle a little bit each time I read your posts. Now don't take that the wrong way, as it is not meant to be disrespectful. I chuckle because you provide such great insight and advice for so many others while they struggle here, but you don't always put your own advice into actions.
You know the saying around here, actions not words.
I have followed your story here and I know that you have ridden the roller coaster from hell. I think we both know you have put on the gas for the coaster on some occasions, but you still know what is the right approach and action. Those damn emotions of yours keep getting the best of you don't they?

You have made a decision for how you are proceeding. It is one many agree with, and those that don't at least understand why you are doing it.

My simple advice here for your sanity, the good of all your loved ones and those around you, and your ability to heal and become a better man for what you have been throgugh, is DETACH.
This is the answer to controlling those emotions.
Ginger1 is spot on.
Folks are typically to selfish in this life to really be thinking about you when they do things.
She probably did not even think about it. And more likely did not think about it in the same manner as you did here.
But let's say for the sake of argument she did it just to get at you.
Well, then your reaction was mission accomplished for her.
WW-1 c-nut-0.
Detaching would have meant you chose no reaction to your hurt feelings. You would have gotten over it just the same and moved on to the next day. Then it would have been C-nut-1 WW-0

Detaching is a choice of actions when others words or actions evoke emotions.

Again, I share my thoughts out of pure respect for you as a fellow DB brother here in this community, and look forward to seeing you rise above it all, even if the coaster still has some big dips in the ride for you. I just pray that you can take your foot off the gas for a bit. Future Coconut will appreciate it if you do.