Still here and need support 2

[rich4j]

The other thing was her stating that she intends to be married again and would not agree to having someone over when d7 was there. having little to no contact with someone who you have been with for over 12 years is just so surreal.

Married again? Why would she state that...I think its just a way for her to continue to kick you in the shins. My STBX won't admit to the relationship she is in but said she would even have trouble being in a relationship right now nevertheless get married. I think she is just verbally punching you


And its all surreal. Not sure how anyone can just turn off the switch with someone you have been with for so long. I know I am going to try to have as little contact as possible and I know it will be quiet and lonely at first but its just the new path you are going down and will change over time when you find someone else worthy of being with you.

The blame game will always continue until one day maybe they wake up to realize they were also part of the issue

[poschan]

the trip went well, great seeing everyone and lots of laughs. I missed d7 a lot since that has been the longest time away. she is with me now and its great having her here. we talked some about how she is doing and she wishes we could be a family again. I tell her that is what I want too. I have not had much anxiety until this past weekend when I woke up and had some terrible anxiety. I assume it will come and go from time to time. Being away didn't help as now I am scrambling to get work projects finished. one of d7s friends asked WAW if she would ever come back home and she said probably not.

[poschan]

thanks rich. I agree, they obviously have a different wiring to be able to just flip a switch and be done. I can still hear the original words: "i'm done and ILYBNILWU..." WAW seems to be repeating a cycle of her childhood. maybe one day she wakes up and realizes the mistake...don't have much hope for that. life is short and we LBSs deserve better.

[poschan]

i'm not sure where the sadness is coming from but I have been very depressed today and yesterday even though d7 has been with me. I try to identify the source but am unable to identify it. I grew up in a single parent household and it may be coming from the fact that d7 will be too. hopefully tomorrow is better for me, d7 deserves it

[rich4j]

P-

I would expect you have one and off days of sadness for a while. You are mourning a loss.
I have up and down days/weeks. And like you even with my D7....I was at dinner the other night with her and got really sad seeing the families together with the moms/dads together and got sad for D7

Its tough and I can only say it may just take time before that subsides. It seems some WAW do wake up eventually and many too late and some never. I don't hope for it and think it would be super difficult anyway to go back. At least back to crazy town....

You are 2 months out since WAW moved out so give it some time my friend..it will hopefully get better. I start my solo journey this weekend and I am sure the loneliness will give me more ups and downs too.

[SH_]

poschan, try not to dwell on determining what the triggers are. It won't change the feelings.

What things are you doing to enhance your emotional state so that the sad and depressive feelings are more manageable.

I have been reading much about feelings and emotions and an interesting thing I have picked up is that they are not one and the same.
Feelings are something we can not really control as our brain and body react based on the way we humans are created. So the feeling that we call anxiety can be triggered by things that can be considered dangerous, like a bear running across your path. Or they can be triggered by something that we encounter that is uncomfortable like say, public speaking.

Now bear with me as I do have a point here.

What we call emotions, are actually the labels that we slap onto the feelings. The part that I want you to pay attention to here is this.
The feeling that hits us when we are in actual danger ( the bear). Is the same feeling that hits us right before we get in front of a crowd of 500 people to speak.
Would you label these with the same emotion. Probably not because one is dangerous and life threatening, and the other is embarrassing, but safe from true harm. But the feeling is the same.

So this weekend, my d18 was pretty uptight Saturday evening. When I asked her what was up, she said that she was feeling an anxiety attack coming on. I asked her why. She said she was nervous and scared to go to the new church meeting the following day with the single folks. She struggles with some social anxiety. So I suggested she not go so she could calm down. Now I did not, not want her to go, but I wanted to try and apply the above learning with her.
She said that she needed to go as she had committed to it, and she knew it would be good for her to get out of her comfort zone and meet some new people.

I then proposed that she repeat back to me her reason for feeling the anxiety attack coming on, only I asked that she swap out the words nervous and scared with excited and anxious.
She did so. We discussed it for a few minutes with the positive emotion labels.
About 10 or 15 minutes later she was giddy like a school girl and chatting about the fun things she looked forward to. No anxiety attack came on.

My anxiety attacks went from running through me daily and all day ( see my threads) to subsiding all together when I got tired of trying to figure out triggers and decided to label the shakes with common things like being tired, consuming caffeine after not doing so for several months, and several other things. I did not realize at the time I stumbled across the secret until I have been reading up on this. No anxiety attacks since and my anxiety media are collecting dust in the medicine cabinet.

So way longer ramble than I had meant to, but hopefully some of this can help you poschan.

Smiles. Smiles are another trick. Smile even if you don't feel like it. Your body shoots off some chemicals that help.
If mustering up a smile seems to hard to do, then google the following.
F*ck that A guided meditation.
I guarantee at least a little smile.

[poschan]

thanks rich and SH.

rich: good luck with the transition I will say some prayers for you and that you have peace with it all. i'm not sure if I could go back either even if WAW did want to. I probably would try for the sake of d7 though. I feel bad for d7 and it rips my heart out every time she tells someone (even complete strangers) of the divorce. WAW is pressing to get the MDA completed so I expect that will be done this week. she is worried about finances and says I owe here such and such (the equity from the house). I have since refinanced but will keep the proceeds in savings until the MDA is signed.

SH: thanks for the info on the thought process. Are you saying that we should try and substitute a positive statement for the negative when the negative thoughts occur? Can you provide some specific examples that you think have helped with solving the anxiety issues?

[poschan]

rich can you send me a link to your thread?

[poschan]

rich I found your latest thread...

[poschan]

SH any suggestions on how to enhance emotional state?