WAW, bouts of anger still spewing, awaiting the D.

[Phoebe]

Around my neck of the woods, 4 am comes pretty late, given that I am still awake and that's what time it is!!!

I want to be asleep, but I'm knee deep in a bunch of financial documentation for my L, and not doing all that well with it, actually. I'm so tired of all of this already, and it's only just begun. Yippee. My astounding procrastination skills don't help. (Obviously I'm here stalling again...)

Anyway, Just wanted to pop by and say hello, my friend.

[JksD]

V! Ooh, I probably need pointers from you on the twirling. I am so tempted to fix a pole in my new place.


SH, I guess I should let you know that I am kind of competitive. Presently, giving me a challenge is like asking a dog to play fetch. Wait... Did I just call myself a biatc....

Anyways, I have checked out the place and the rates. It's just a matter of 2 or 4 jumps, with or without kid.

Say when, SH. Say when....

[roist]

SH, I am flattered you sought me out to give my opinion. Here are a few of my thoughts.

It is interesting you quoted MWD on the LRT and only quoted the first of the three possible outcomes.Nothing happens. From my observations here, I think that it is too early to state it has not had a positive effect on your W. You cannot know that and it really does take a long time to cause a shift.

I often use the frozen lake analogy to describe the DB process. DBing thaws the WAS from the inside out just like a frozen lake. The ice gets thinner and thinner but on the surface it remains unchanged and frozen. Do not assume anything but also don't sit there watching for it to melt.

I think you have done great. That bond between you and D17 has strengthened so much in this process even though ye seemed close before. That is priceless and may not have happened to the same extent if this crap had not happened.

You seem to have grown impatient recently.Why is that? Had you hoped all the great stuff on your side of the fence would have drawn W out of her fog by now? Are you realising that regardless what you do it may nit get her back? Those changes and great improvements are for you. You have embraced that. Your W has noticed your improved lifestyle.She has. But for now she is clouded by other stuff. That cloud could be there for years to come or could lift next week. Don't sit and wait.

I think having a WAW is in some ways harder to deal with than a WW. A WW will behave and do stuff that pushes the lbs to "had enough" stage faster. A WAW gives false hope because there is no one else involved. That hope holds many lbs back.

Over the last 20 months, I have come to a standstillmany times faced with a decision on how to proceed. Earlier on I put myself under unnecessary pressure to decide NOW about the future. However now when faced with the same type of crossroads, I acknowledge that it would be good to decide definitely now the best way forward, but it is not a necessity. Furthermore I can change my mind further down the road if I don't like my choice. This situation is stressful enough without imposing self imposed unnecessary stresses as well.

I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.

Best wishes. Hopefully something in what I said will help you. If you want my to clarify anything, let me know.

[Cristy]

I think you are in a relatively good place regarding moving forward. What did the coach advise you ? Maybe you should use one of your sessions now if you feel stuck.

Hello SH_,

Happy Bday to D17! Sounds like your GAL with her has been super fun.

Really think about what Roist is saying. Feeling stuck and want to schedule a session with your DB Coach?

BTW- I have to agree that indoor skydiving is awesome

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[SH_]

I was going to journal some, but it is late. Lots of fun stuff, (adrenaline junky being created here) some sad,(not really sure how to put into words) well not sad, but low moments to document.
New things happening with the Bday of d17 tomorrow. She is so excited.

I will drop details tomorrow, and I am off to sleep because 4am comes mighty early around here.

Well.....tomorrow turned into almost a week....where does the time go when you are staying busy and trying to hide from all of the non sense that comes with a WAS, an unwanted D and learning how to be a single parent?

SO it has been over 2 weeks since I shared any details or journaled much, so it is about time to do so, and do it in a coherent manner.

I finally connected with my L a day after my last journaling and he asked me what the word was from my STBXW. The question caught me as a bit odd and I responded that I had no idea as she avoids speaking, well avoids any communication with me. I said, that is why I had been reaching out to you, to see what needs to happen next as I was under the assumption that the D had been filed back at the end of April. He advised me that there was some hold up due to her L, I did not really understand all of the legal mumbo jumbo he stated, but then he said that he just received something. He mentioned that we needed to do some stuff with the retirement fins and some odds and ends points for co parenting arrangements, and that was it. He said he would send me the info by the falling Monday.

It has been almost 2 weeks and I have not seen whatever it was he was sending me. But I have not stopped to think about it much. Maybe that is not good, but, I just don't feel the need to work to hard on it as the fins are already agreed to and sealed, so the rest really is not urgent for me. Especially if she is not doing anything to push it along. Basically I have not been served. somedays I question why. Other days I don't really care.

But then my L caught me off guard with some other questions.
He asked how she was doing. I replied that I did not know as no communication as I had mentioned. The only info I am aware of is that which my D's state or mention on occasion. Both tell me how she seems sad, confused, lost and depressed, but I do not have any first hand knowledge. He then stated something to the affect, that the grass does not seem to be greener on the other side as she had hoped. I replied, yeah, something like that.
There was a pause.
He then asked, do you want to talk to her about reconciling?

I was speechless for a minute.
I then responded, that I would leave that up to her to pursue. But at this moment, the person that I see, is not one that I would want to reconcile with. I have been feeling peaceful and calm, in a manner that I had not recalled for many years.
My L replied, unfortunately that is what I hear more often than not.

My response played over and over in my mind for several days as I wrestled to determine if that was what I really believe. Am I feeling relief from many years of stress and eggshell walking, or am I holding a grudge for what she has done to my family in the last 6 months?
I have still not made a final determination.......but I do know that with each passing day I look forward and have thoughts of a better future with a partner that loves me unconditionally and I her.

But for now in these moments, it is a vision of a goal that I hold to provide hope. Now, I have much work to do to be the man that is worthy of such an opportunity. I have 2 sweet little girls that need direction, support and love in this chaotic situation. I have confidence that needs to be rebuilt in myself in my career, in my social connections, in my abilities to beat back father time and not think I am to old, or to past my time to accomplish things that I would like to.
For now, there is still much work to do.

[SH_]

The following day I received a text from WAW letting me know that she would bring d5 over Saturday morning as the flight was getting in late on Friday night. The night that she was supposed to drop d5 off to me for my weekend after the 2 week vacation out of state.
I was not pleased, but it did not anger me. It happens.

I got some weekend chores done Friday evening so as not to have to worry about them when D5 came over.
I got up early Saturday to exercise and get somethings done and then it was 9 am and no word or sightings of WAW and d5? I texted to inquire as to what time to expect them.
A bit later I received a text saying that her car would not start and that they would be a bit later.

Again not pleased, but not angry. It happens.
Then it is noon and still no word. I text again. I receive a call a bit later, and she says that the battery had died and she was on the way to the dealership to swap it out as it was under warranty.

Again not pleased, but not angry. It happens. But seriously. 3 hours to figure out a dead battery and decide how to fix it?
45 minutes later I get a text saying it would be an hour before they can even get the car in, and I can come get d5 if I want.

Again not pleased, but not angry. Becoming annoyed. It happens. I reply, I will be there shortly to pick her up.
I needed to ask the dealer something anyway as it was where I purchased my new car.

After I pick her up and we head home, d17 mentions to me that d5 may be really tired. I replied, yeah, jet lag. d17 replies, no, their plane got delayed until 130 am and they did not even get in until 330 in the morning. Her mother was stressed out and exhausted and d5 did not get a restful nights sleep because of all of this.
Ugh.

D5 was in good spirits and we went swimming and had a good evening. Sunday still in good spirits and then just like that weekend over and after missing her for 2 weeks, I felt shorted on my weekend. But it happens.

The rest of the week was pretty much a lot of the same. But it was build up for a super fun birthday weekend for D17.........now D18.
She looked all week for something fun to do. Most of the things she found were outdoor things. We have temperatures here that are even to hot for the devil to enjoy, so I encouraged her to keep looking.
Thursday night she tells me she found the perfect thing, but not sure if I would do it. I asked her what it was.
She replied,"Flyboarding."
I said fly...whating????
She said flyboarding. It is where you hover above the water.
I said, "Say whaaaat????"
She said, here check out this video on youtube.

I did. I had a look on my face. She said never mind. I know that does not look like something you would do.
I said, maybe another time. I might give it a go. She said cool.
I then, thought aww, what the hell?!!? Why not, lets do it.
She said "Say whaaat??? For real?"
I said, yep. Lets book it now before I change my mind.

Long story short, absolutely amazing fun.
D17 did so good and the smile on her face after doing it was a beautiful thing.
Me on the other hand. I had great fun, but my first fall was a belly/face flop that could be heard across the lake. And the video d17 took, you can hear her voice of pain for me as she announced the play by play and then her giggling with laughter at my expense.
Fear faced.
D17 had the time of her life.
Totally worth it.
Can you say "becoming an adrenaline junkie"?
Yup. Yup I am.

We then had some great KC BBQ at a place on the pier and watched some experienced flyboarders. Google it if you have not seen it before. Some cool vids of folks flyboarding.

A fun fact, the model used in the movie the Pirates of the Caribbean for the Black Pearl pirate ship is anchored at this lake. the guy that created it owns a houseboat and some other stuff and has placed the model boat in the lake and it is used for party and things of that nature. It is about half the size of what it appears in the movies, but it was cool to see and check out.
Did I mention I live in a desert where the temps get much hotter than down in the devils neck of the woods?
The lake was amazing and to think. I have lived here 15 years and never went there.
We capped of the bday fun by seeing Star Trek. Yep, I grew up with a Trekkie father and so I am trying to pass the trekkie tradition along to my kids. She enjoyed it.

Sunday I was asked to speak at church. Now I was asked 10 days prior and procrastinated like no other in preparing a talk. Sunday morning I was not prepared other than half dozen resources and an idea of what to do. In the past I would have made an excuse and bailed out. I wanted to, but I chose to face my fear.
Fear of public speaking. Fear of doing something when everything is not in order. Fear of speaking to a congregation that knows full well I have not been an active member for years. And fear of half the congregation that has my STBXW's side of the story and basically helped her and supported her decision to leave me.
Fear faced. Many shared thanks and positive feedback for the message that I shared.

This week I am setting up an IC for d18 and I. She is still struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. She manages it better than one would thing, but when things break down. It is very not pretty. I am hoping for additional help for her to talk with someone, as well as for me to learn how to assist her and be whatever she needs to support her through it.

D5 has been a joy this week, but something is really off. She is starting to seem confused, sad and frustrated. Many little things that I will not go into detail of, but in all of this time, this week she really seems off and it breaks my heart. But I ensure that I acknowledge her when she speaks, I let her lead when she is trying to accomplish things and I ensure her thoughts and opinions are included as we do things. And as many hugs and kisses as I can convince her to share with me. She loves to mock me by wiping of the kisses on her cheeks. Oh I love that kid.
I think the novelty of this being fun for her is wearing off.
School starts for her next week. Structure will be shock to her I believe as she has not had any over the summer and we'll see how we can best help her.

Yesterday morning, d18 offered to drop off d5 at their mothers as she was going in that direction for her babysitting job. This is something that WAW knows of and asked that I let her know as the drop of is a bot later when this is done.
I forgot to text her mother the night before to advise she was doing it and that it would be a bit later. We had agreed on this previously and I just forgot.
In the morning I received a text asking if I was coming to drop d5 off. I replied with my apologies as I meant to let her know the night before. I also advised that we were running a bit late as d5 complained of a tummy ache the evening before and again in the morning.
The reply from STBX was "I thought d18 had to work. It is not d18's job to drop her off for you."

Yup, blood pressure rose. I paused. Reminded myself that the response was that of a crazy person as this had already been discussed and agreed to and that my only error was failing to text the night before. And only a crazy person would fail to ask about the state of d5 who sounds to not be feeling well.
I called d18 to give her a heads up in case her mother went after her as is the pattern. D18, said thank you and not to worry about it.
I took an hour to ensure a positive text response.
It was, "You are correct. It is not d18's job. I hope d5 feels better as she said she was not feeling well."

No response.

D18 let me know later that day, that she did not really say much and whatever she said d18, just ignored and changed the subject.

Well, I better not let 2 weeks go by before making an update. Thank you to anyone that is hanging in and reading this all.
Today I have been in a funky mood. But it is late. So more on that later.

[SH_]

SH

I do read your threads and posts and they are remarkable you know.

I sometimes really concern myself with you and the things that are very important.

I notice that SH is the most amazing dad and I smile that this aspect of him is holding him sane.

I see the enormous love in SH for others and I ask a very deep question SH, one you do not have to answer.

Does SH give himself that love?

V

Lady V, I have not chosen to avoid answering this. It is a question that I have been pondering since I read it. It is one that I am still pondering as my mind has been in a misty place of late.
I say misty, as it is not a fog. I am not down. I am not depressed nor anxious, but I feel as if I am wandering in a place that limits my view to my immediate emotional surroundings. It is not a place of comfort, nor despair. But it is a place that I must move from.

But your question has made me to stop and ponder.

Might you elaborate on your observations of my musings and thoughts in asking this question.
My hope is to wisp away some of the mist that I may more fully grasp the question and discern the answer, that I may take action and progress.

[roist]

Great updates.I like your L.

I imagine that if W truly wanted to reconcile she would not be the person you doubt you want back! Just a thought.

I wanted to add something to my last post. Check out my last thread or look up caliguys thread. There is a tool about changing character traits and involves three lists.

1 list things you like about you
2 list things you dislike about you
3 list things that you find admirable in others or in an ideal you.

First list is to show you you already have many fine qualities. Then work towards replacing items from list 2 by items on list 3.

Some people here have found this exercise helpful in becoming the person they want to be, but also helps to get moving again. Let me know your thoughts on that.

Way to go on the latest fun activity. Love that why the hell not attitude.

[JksD]

SH,
I will let you off from the waxing and poledancing because of your flyboarding experience. I need to check out what the heck that is on youtube.

I like your L too. It seems that your L is not one of those bull-dog D pushers and he sounds like he has your welfare at heart.

You are miles ahead of your W in terms of personal development and I can understand your state of IANILWY. Your W certainly doesn't sound very lovable right now.

But maybe because I was an almost WAW with a touch (or more?) of MLC and a good dose of depression thrown in, I have some compassion for WAW.

Remember my post about the different timelines in self- evolution? What are your thoughts about it?

No hurry, SH. Good that you are on an even keel. Sometimes the best action is none and to wait for the answer to reveal itself.

[JksD]

Omg. You need to stop being so freakingly up-to-date with your GAL activities. I am finding it hard to keep up!

My heart and my wallet do not thank you.