This is all so hard. I feel like things would be exponentially easier if he was living at home. Unfortunately for me, we both owned separate houses before the marriage so when he decides to leave all he has to do really is pack a quick bag and he's out.
I'm trying to stay positive. From today on, I'm not going to talk in negative statements. "I don't want a divorce" is going to become "I want my marriage to work."
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
Still here....know I've been posting a lot today. I feel like I'm losing my mind a bit.
I want so badly to ask him when he is filing. It's not fair not having any idea what's going on. I have very limited vacation time at work (only 5 days a year), and me and my girlfriend are planning a cruise for early next year. I want to know what's going on, dammit.
He's already told me it's over, I just want to know the logistics now. I want to know what his plans are. It's too painful to sit around and wait for him to make a decision, I'd rather just rip the band-aid off at this point.
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
Against my better judgement I did wind up texting the H. It went okay. I asked him how he was doing, then said I was just sending him a quick reminder that I'm still getting all of his mail at the house. I think I did a pretty good job of keeping things short and sweet. He told me things weren't going well and said he'd take care of the mail. I told him I was sorry to hear and asked if everything was okay. He opened up and told me he lost his job. I responded by saying that must be frustrating but I'm sure he'll find another one soon, because he's good at what he does. I sent along a picture as well that came up on my phone as one year ago today, of a funny character we met traveling.
The picture may have been a bit too much, because I never heard back. I was hoping to be the one to end the conversation, but he seemed to be opening up so I didn't think it would end so abruptly.
I don't know what to make of him losing his job, though.
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
I thought I'd start a new thread, in light of some pretty good news. The last thread ended with a text conversation with my husband. We wound up talking on the phone for a good 20 minutes later that night. Lots of tears on my end once the phone call was ended, and I followed it up with a text that I wasn't giving up hope on the marriage until there was a court date set.
The next day he sent me a text that was both wonderful and terrible to read. On one hand, he isn't sure if he's with me out of convenience...I asked for clarification on that and he meant that it was easier to stay with me because we love each other and have been together for so long. Still hurtful, but okay. He did mention that he has never been with anyone except me, and questioned "with 8 billion other people in the world, who's to say we're soulmates?" That bit really, really stung. He followed up with "maybe we are, maybe we aren't, but if we are we may have a future down the road."
On the other hand, he agreed to hold off on divorce and be separated. He said that he still doesn't know what's what, and was only pushing divorce because when I was upset I wanted it expedited and he was trying to be civil. He misread me entirely (I only ever said I wanted it handled if he had made a final decision that it was what he wanted).
I asked if we could be in some contact throughout, and also said that if no contact was preferred that was fine but to let me know. Never heard back on that one. My head's been spinning. One part of me says that he has a valid point, another part of me feels like this is just a free pass for him to cheat.
Baby steps. Progress.
Last edited by Cadet; 07/27/1612:53 PM. Reason: merged posts
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
Sorry to do this but it is best to stick to one thread until 100 posts. So I merged this thread into the previous one.
You can re-title posts in the middle of it if you wish.
Glad you feel that you have good news.
I would caution you to believe nothing he says. Trust Actions not words.
No worries! I didn't notice that rule, thank you for fixing it for me instead of just deleting it so I didn't have to retype it
For your bit of advice, which part do you suggest I believe? I guess his action is that he is not filing for the divorce, at least not yet. That to me says that there's at least still a chance at things working out. His action of not responding to my last message though definitely tells me he does not want to talk to me, at least not right now.
The anxiety that it sounds like he'll be seeking someone else out is what has me nervous. It also makes me feel like he doesn't really care if things work out, notably because he said he knows I have guys knocking down my door begging to take me out. I guess I feel like if he cared, he'd be worried about that. He doesn't seem to be.
M 24 H 27 together 6 • married 3.5 BD round #3: 07/10/2016
bohi - This could be another classic case of "cake-eating" too. If he's not sure that things will work out, preserving you as a "plan b" while he continues to do what he will is a common wayward practice. I know that my WW would panic any time it appeared that I was going to do anything irreversible that would hurt her fall-back security while at the same time announcing to me and all her friends and presumably OM that she was leaving. I never used the "D" word on her though - perhaps I should have earlier.
Be careful and don't trust words and only partially trust actions.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
"with 8 billion other people in the world, who's to say we're soulmates?"
Flip that around. Who is to say you are NOT soulmates?
If he thinks long term partners are just out there to be found ... he's a fool.
I like the article, "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person" by Alain de Botton, published in the New York Times. I can't link it here, but if you Google the title, it comes up first. It's all about why there is no perfect partner out there. I mean, there is, for the first 3 years when you're infatuated....
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
bodhi -- I would be wary. With him losing his job, you have to be careful he's not doing just enough to keep you on the hook as backup/security in case things really fall apart for him. Probably not what you want to hear, but I've already seen in my month+ here that these things rarely go fast or smoothly for any of those us in our sitch.
I hope I'm 100% wrong!
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
