Did your W experience child abuse or some traumatic experience? Other than the M problems, has she suffered some type of emotional loss in the last few yers.......like a family member, friends, etc.?
I want to share something with you. Years ago, I was a miserable mess. I had been under a lot of stress for a very long time; my MR was very lacking; I had health issues; ......and I become involved in an A. I stumbled across the DB forum one day and, long story short.... I am still in my M. The point I wanted to share is that nobody on the forum would side with me, or agree that my H was bad enough to justify me having an A. I discovered the opinion of the forum.....as well as the cold, hard truth, was that nothing excused my A. In my mind, I may not have been perfect....but I saw myself as a good wife...in most areas......except, I succumb to the attention of another man. Shocking? That was my mindset at the time, and the more I was told there were no excuses for an A......the more frustrated I became.
You are brave to admit your faults. I could be wrong, but I wonder if you don't see yourself as basically being a good family man........except you have this one area. I base this on the good qualities you shared before you told about the bad.......(we all have some good and some not so good). I am probably one of the more bluntly-speaking of the posters on the board, so please realize I am not trying to be nasty or pick on you.
Just as there were no excuses for my cheating........there are no excuses for your behavior, either. I believe you know it, and perhaps you are not even subconsciously seeking "understanding" in your situation. You have been open about what you've done and you are putting forth effort to change. Accepting responsibility and putting forth 100% effort to change yourself first......is the starting place. It was hard for me, b/c I wanted to place blame for my actions.
So, I hope you will stick with improving yourself. Focus on the only adult you can control.......which is you. You may hear this often around the board. I hope you continue to post, and read what is recommended.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You are very brave to come here and admit your faults and share your situation.
You mentioned that you are able to hold it together at work and the anger issues only surface at home. It is sad, but not uncommon, that we share our worst selves with the ones that matter the most in our lives. The good news is that you can change that behavior! Focus on being the best SmithyC and Dad for yourself and your kids.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi sandi2 - Nice to meet you. I've read quite a bit of your relies and have a lot of respect for your advice.
1) The most traumatic experience for my wife: her parents divorced when she went to college. It impacted the family dynamics and finances, and created difficulties with the parents in now being alone. She has told me many times, she's knows first hand the problems with D. However, within this period of time, she has stated: "she need to be true to herself" and can't live a marriage for the kids. Also, she's afraid of what a D would mean to everybody
2) Sandi (no offense taken) I am a flawed person. I have a great family life: wife, kids, comfort and I mange to screw it all up with my "so-called" anger issue...I now know what it really is. Part of my anger/range was fueled by shame. It was easier to be angry/rage on my wife than to admit how shameful I was in how I treated her. All of it roots from ego, selfishness, arrogance, pride...just negative emotions
3) I accept full responsibility and absolutely know these were CHOICES i made. My wife is incredibly understanding, if I just tapered it 50%, maybe I wouldn't be in this situation. However, what matters most is that I need to ACTUALLY CHANGE and not be happy with 50% 20% 1%...this is not how you form healthy relationships.
I talked to my wife today as she was home. I was on a biz trip 12 hrs on a plane for 2 days. I told her in the most polite and supportive manner, that I am getting burnt out. 1) Because of her job I get the kids ready for their morning routine 2) cook dinner most nights 3) household shopping 4) do many of the household duties (i want to help because acts of ser is one of my W LL) 4) have a fairly stressful demanding job that accounts for 99% of our household budget. 5) take the kids for the past 2.5 months on the weekends by myself
My wife warmly let me know she understood and also agreed I would get burnt out.
I told her I support her space, but I really needed a break or support from her.
She agreed that she would now stay home on the weekdays and that that she would limit her weekend stays.
I'm away next week on a biz trip and said we could discuss when I get back.
She wrote me a text again appreciating my effort and that she felt bad about me being burnt out and appreciated me being a "wonderful" father. Lastly that we would reassess her schedule next week and that we would work it out
I should be happy at progress...but a part of me nags at me that this is my W being nice and accommodating as she is normally, rather than saying let me work on our MR for a R.
I did not talk about our MR mainly our schedule, as I am attempting to show her patience and space and attempting to not pursue,
It sounds like your approach was very well stated. It was not preachy or blaming her for not doing her share.
Do you have someone that comes to clean house? Is there someone near (maybe a teenage niece) who would run errands, take the kids to their activities, help fix their breakfast and lunches, or do odd jobs for a little extra cash? Anyway you and your W can get help with these type of things, may relieve some pressure, and the more stress you relief you have at home........the better for you and the MR.
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I should be happy at progress...but a part of me nags at me that this is my W being nice and accommodating as she is normally, rather than saying let me work on our MR for a R.
Smithy, I hope you will really take this piece of advice. Do not bring the topic of the MR into a discussion (written or verbal) about another subject. If/when you insert just one sentence pointing to the MR, your W will get defensive and have a negative attitude. It will overshadow everything else you say in the conversation.
Keep every discussion (written or verbal) to one subject. Don't try to cover two or three things at once. The only exception, I can think of at the moment, is if it was outlining your work schedule, kids activities, or something along those lines. The goal is to prevent yourself from making any statements about the relationship. When the MR is the number one thing on your mind, it is difficult to not make some kind of statement, directly or indirectly, about it. Your discussions with your W will be more successful and more receptive if you will stick to one subject. I think your W could see your situation more clearly b/c it was clouded by making references to the MR.
I have observed how many LBS's want to "remind" the other spouse of their M situation. It's not likely the other spouse has forgotten. Personally, I think it is a "need" the LBS has, to make references to the MR. Understandable, since it is front & center in the thinking of the LBS.
Again, I think your talk went well.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I am trying with all my effort to not overtly or subtly discuss about our MR or the prospect of R. This last discussion was about just my personal exhaustion and due to my efforts the W agreed it was a fair statement.
Part of my 180 is to not talk about MR and just show by example my openness to space and to her processing of her pain. Prior, I was attempting control by attempting to convince her I've changed, guilting her, and asking/demanding a final chance.
As to the possibility of household help, I have long considered it and will probably do so after this summer. I am taking on many of the responsibilities: part of my 180 and LL is providing act of services. I want my W to see by actions that I have changed (in my past I've done pieces of the work, but now I have the majority of it) Plus for me, part of my detachment is understanding if I can take all this responsibility in case of the worst case situation.
My wife is on a weekend trip with 7 of her GF at her best friends lake house and I have the kids with me on a biz trip and we'll stay here in this city for the weekend. Everyday is a challenge, but I pray (in my situation) my wife can eventually forgive and open her heart again to the concept of "us". Some days I think its possible and other times I think there's too much baggage.
Thank you again for your advice.
BTW. how do you those quotes boxes? I kept looking for the instructions and couldn't find it? Could you direct me to the direction for posting? Thank you.
I think your W could see your situation more clearly b/c it was clouded by making references to the MR.
I meant to say it was not clouded by references to the MR.
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BTW. how do you those quotes boxes? I kept looking for the instructions and couldn't find it? Could you direct me to the direction for posting? Thank you
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My style is to copy & paste. Once it is pasted, highlight and click on the quotations marks from the options.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
