The lie continues...

[CT1118]

no one?

[CT1118]

Today was the second BD with WW About the A? I could not take it anymore, could not take knowing. Could no longer tolerate being lied to. While i am not flipping with joy, it's out there and I feel truly relieved. I feel tired actually, I feel really really tired. She was leveled, she was crying, she was sorry and apologetic in a way she was not on the 1st BD. I was heard, I was not angry, I was not fearful, I did not loose my cool.
My god, I think I am breathing again.
I don't know what comes next, D did not come up. I know I keep on the GAL. I'm done with the 180 though. There is nothing more to 180. She already knows I have changed, she already sees who I am. She knows I meant what I said. And I am letting her go. This is going to take more time, but I am on that road now, more than I have felt before. It is up to me to stay this way and I will stay well. If she wants to be a part of it, well I will check my own pulse from here on out.

You all have been extremely supportive. I will see what actions speak next. I can only control me.

[doodler]

CT1118,

Most excellent dude!

[Coconut]

CLARIFICATION POST: OK, so I need some clarification on a few things. And thanks Imawake, as forwarding Sandi's item is inspiring. Plus it helped me really identify a confusion I have had here. People all say advice here with some slight differences or I have been misinterpreting it (seems natural, would happen on a real street, why not a virtual?). I could give examples if asked, but not without.

So, to identify my biggest issue and confusion source w/ background recap: (keep in mind, i did not find this site until this month, I know I did wrong for a while). WW told me in June (3 months after BD/S) that the A was done). While I suspected the A continued, I decided I had to begin trusting WW again at some point despite my gut. On July 4 WW was returning from 3 day trip w S4 & me at my parents. WW acted noticeably hurried on return trip - had not seen that since pre-BD - which led me to the AP's FB page - I saw WW asking him about dinner. Realized I was duped twice as WW said she would end when we broke up, but needed time. I was mad and agreed to separation thinking it would really be best for both of us because I was so mad I wanted away from WW.Plus I would have been hard from the start, had I not decided to believe a lying liar who lies - I was w/out information then. So I know A is back on. Didn't want to act from anger, found this place. WW still does not know I am aware the A continues...

Reading through site, noticed a ton of commonality about getting tough on the WW. While I had been GAL from the start, realized I was still "nice guy", feel tricked into being nice guy, have never been that in my life, but also realize I have been a dck, which ain't good either. Thought the right answer to get tough would be to tell her I know she continued lying. Sensible people talked me off the ledge by stating if I wanted no D, why make the threat. I order the DR/DB and began reading, cannot possibly afford DB site's coaches, barely got the books. By now know coaches differ from chat room on WW. Began 180 last week and while I have seen some results, admit to backsliding here and there or just flat out getting it wrong while I learn. I have to pass by WW place to pick up S4 at daycare, do so tonight and AP vehicle is in driveway (no, there is no other way to get there, believe me I would take it). I did not feel anger, nor fear, nor pain - what I told myself was "I only control me". Plus, I realized there is still more fight in me - on one of my opening posts I asked how long do I fight - Cadet suggested "till they throw dirt on your box", great warrior Cadet.

BUT...here is where the confusion comes in. I have been hit w/ enough 2x4's and advice to see why me telling her I know about the A at this point will not make any difference (someone cheer for that in your head please). I also think, if guilt still exists in WW, that I would rather leave it with her for having to lie than to free WW of it by letting the cat out. However, I am struggling with how to press consequence upon the WW w/out explaining why. I have been getting response to my small consequences, but these have all seemed strange to WW, and please keep in mind I am a reforming Oxy addict (my part in the bad part of M) and so I am extra sensitive to appearing to be on it again, I promise I act weird on Oxy - WW used to say it all the time back when ( I am 6 months clean as of the 21st of this month and never going back). I am finding a discrepancy or misunderstanding for myself between the 180 rules and consequence w/out WW knowing I know the A continues. So, I had been going on "family days" etc, but know now I need to stop (for me!) what is the best answer to why I am turning it off at this point? And/or, could a statement simply be made like "you know, I am feeling really good right now, but we are separated and I think we have been too close lately, I would like to take a break from this for a while" - or something like that?

Not sure if these points matter, but not sure if I have provided before as I know I have been so hectic here I have overlooked questions, even if unitentionally: WW has never said ILYBNILWY only ILY, WW stopped speaking of D in late March and said nothing since, WW has done some pretty ridiculous things since S began like bring me meals, clean my apartment, buy me gifts,and ask me out on dates, WW just this week began referring to me as wanting to be friends which as I have read is a great place to be from the coaching but a horrible place from the chat room - last but not least, whether these things are out of guilt, love, or remorse, WW has sure as H gotten to enjoy the cake. I would like it to end the dessert somehow and I hope people here understand my confusion in the education. Still strong, looking forward to hearing from you.

Somebody once said I understand DB better than most, I just suck at implementing it... That was the biggest truth ever. Here's how I see it, you know about the A continuing or you don't... Your WW does stuff for you or not.. Should I thank / do for her or not... All inconsequential questions, if you have moved on... I don't mean find someone else, I mean stop caring, find your happiness, do your thing as though she's gone. When you feel like that, you treat her as you want, as the man you are... You don't think about it, wonder if it was right, you just do. Think about your last girlfriend, what would you do if she did/asked what your W is doing..

[CT1118]

All great points Cnut. Today was a milestone for me. When I said the other day that I felt like I was done, I realized I truly wanted to tell her I knew. So I did, and now it's done. Tonight I did my GAL at a rock climbing gym. Was around a bunch of positive people doing some really healthy stuff with their time. When I left, I thought I was just high off the workout. And I really did feel great, but it's stuck with me, I feel great right now. Hell I've actually been able to watch TV, I don't enjoy use TV very often, but I have not been able to watch it for a month because I have been combing the net looking for why the A, MLC or whatever was happening.
So even after doing another BD on my WW(ps, Sandi was right, she tried to deny and I calmly said do not fking make me pull this out of you twice in my life) she still called me and texted me tonight. I ignored the first few, then answered her. I really didn't sound like I cared or sound like I was rehearsing something. She Wanted to talk more, I didn't and ended it. Low and behold, typing this is the most I have thought of her in the past 6 hours. Will she stop the A, I don't know at some point I would think. I know I'm stopping the chase. I sure hope this feeling sticks. Find what works right by doing something different - I will be hitting that rock gym more often and it should keep my pants fitting well.

[ForGump]

I don't see it as an easy call ... but I think you did the right thing, telling her you know. The key, as I see it, is that you told her (fairly?) calmly and w/o much emotional baggage. So (I think) you made it all about honesty, integrity and loyalty, not anger and jealousy. That seems the right thing to do.

Hopefully she'll "woman up" and start being honest with people in her life.

[CT1118]

I don't see it as an easy call ... but I think you did the right thing, telling her you know. The key, as I see it, is that you told her (fairly?) calmly and w/o much emotional baggage. So (I think) you made it all about honesty, integrity and loyalty, not anger and jealousy. That seems the right thing to do.

Hopefully she'll "woman up" and start being honest with people in her life.

Thank you. Seriously. It was so hard to let go of the fear to tell her, as was told here I had to be ready for the consequences. Your thinking is correct, I made it all about those things. I feel better for me at any rate. Still feeling it today. Still think of her, but thinking of her feels different.

[CT1118]

Off to the dentist...having teeth fixed. GAL! Improve self esteem.

[CT1118]

GAL tonight was a lot of skateboarding on the ocean front (yes, I'm 41, no this is not MLC, I've skateboarded for years). Very little contact from WW today, a few emails, I igored them all except 1 about shared money and my reply was very short, but polite. Felt strange, but only in a change of habit way, to not speak w/ WW that much.
I stopped into a tiki hut to get some water and food. Had a long convo with a woman that I started, was not about trying to "hook" in anyway, she was very pretty and I found that intimidating, so muscled up part of my GAL challenges, to get beyond my natural introversion and actually speak to other humans when I feel like retreating into my own head. No name, no number, don't care, wasn't looking for that.
Also at work today, I convinced a coworker to go to gym with me during lunch. He has been looking to drop a few and I finally convinced him to take the plunge. Spent my time showing him some basics. Point of this is 8 months ago before I suspected anything and still lived with WW, I would have never considered spending my time helping someone like that. Guess now feeling good enough to share.

[CT1118]

Moderators: I am not sure what the metrics are for the advice links that go on the newcomers welcome page (mine was from cadet). However, as I have suspected my WW of having an A that is more symptomatic of her journey and a potential MLC than it is about our M, I have been reading more in the MLC forum. I found this today -

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869&page=1

If I may suggest it as an addition. I really wish I had found this when I first got here. It may have been embedded in some of the posts which were recommended, but it did not stand up front. Anyway, that's my suggestion.