No - nothing to do with my ex, and nothing to do with Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome (who is still a gem).
But it's surprising how similar some of the emotions are.
As many of you know, I've been playing drums in a band for the last 5 years. Singers have come and gone but the two guitarists and I have been together that long and have been friends, going to shows together etc. Finally last year we got a new singer who is pretty good.
We've all grown a lot as musicians during this time. We've been playing some gigs out lately and although I wouldn't claim to be a perfect professional drummer yet, I easily play drums as well as the lead guitarist plays guitar, and at our performances, people come up to fist-bump me and a gay couple came up to tell me they thought I was "FABulous". Several knowledgeable people have told me that my stage presence was the best in the band.
And despite my uber-busy work schedule, I always make it to practice every week. No drama, always cheerful.
Just got back from a 2 week vacation to hear that the band has decided to go with a more accomplished drummer.
Now, granted - they WOULD be a better band with a better drummer. (We'd also be a better band with a better lead guitarist, or a better singer, or.....). I certainly wasn't dragging anybody down.
Still, I know it is the nature of bands to break up and always anticipated it would end someday (just thought it would be due to one of the guys having a heart attack - they both have heart problems). I'm a good enough and experienced enough drummer now that I can find a new band to play with, although it will be difficult to find as good a match.
But what gets me about it today - is the familiarity of the betrayal. These were my FRIENDS. I realize now that this must have been brewing for a LONG time without me knowing a thing. (My guess is that as soon as I left for vacation, they called in a drummer they were thinking about to see how the fit was, then waited for my return to drop the bomb.)
There was no warning, no "We really need you to play better" or "Maybe you should go back to lessons". And I think that's what gets me, the similarity to what happened in so many of our marriages - going along great (we think) until we find out that Mr. Grass-is-Greener has already hooked up with an OW and is out the door. The betrayal of thinking about them talking behind your back.
I didn't ask, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened. The guitarist has some (unrealistic) ambitions (thinks he can play SXSW next year with a cover band) and has convinced everyone that a really pro drummer is their ticket to middle-aged fame.
And I'm sure, like in so many marriages here, they will come to regret it. Stories of flaky unreliable drummers abound, and most musicians either don't want to work that hard for a hobby band, or want to be in a busy professional cover band that plays several nights a week and pays their rent (both the bassist and guitarist are programmers with busy jobs too). I imagine they'll come to miss my steady reliability and flexibility.
And my immediate (healthy) response was certainly that I don't WANT to be in a (band or otherwise) relationship with anybody who doesn't value what I brought to the table.
So....forced into "dating" other bands. Let's hope I get as lucky in that as I did in my post-divorce dating life
"I didn't ask, but I think I have a pretty good idea of what happened. The guitarist has some (unrealistic) ambitions (thinks he can play SXSW next year with a cover band) and has convinced everyone that a really pro drummer is their ticket to middle-aged fame."
Lol and ugh at the same time. How immature of them to drop you without notice!
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Lol - right? I mentioned that perhaps, if his goal was to play SXSW next year, we should write more than one original song first! Pretty sure an unknown punk cover band isn't getting in to SXSW. Maybe in a few years, after writing a full set of originals, playing a lot of clubs, acquiring a reputation, and somehow convincing people that a bunch of middle-aged rockers are cool and new - MAYBE then!
(the irony being, I HAVE played at SXSW, playing vibraphone in the band of my professional singer-songwriter friend.)
But what gets me about it today - is the familiarity of the betrayal. These were my FRIENDS. I realize now that this must have been brewing for a LONG time without me knowing a thing. (My guess is that as soon as I left for vacation, they called in a drummer they were thinking about to see how the fit was, then waited for my return to drop the bomb.)
They were went to highschool with this other drummer and stayed in touch on facebook, then when practices got to be a grind they started messaging after you went to bed for hours, finally meeting up to go to happy hours at places with people twenty years their junior, then getting escalated and giving you crazy stories about why there's a snare cover in their back seat, and finally blaming everything on you because you never voiced your opinion on what pizza toppings you wanted...
Thanks for sharing. Hang in and keep us posted!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Put the word out to my music buddies that I was available, have already had a call from our original singer (she left when her life got too busy) who wants to start a band with her boyfriend on guitar and another friend on bass. She knows all the band members and was pretty shocked at what they did.
I'm sorry this happened. I know how much you enjoyed being a drummer for the band. And it really stinks to be betrayed by who you thought were your friends.
Hey, maybe you'll hook up with a band that IS actually going to play at SXSW!
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. You enjoyed playing in this band and enjoyed sharing w/us how much fun you had. The other band members should have sat down w/you and talked about the situation instead of doing what they did...but it's their loss. You will find another band and have even more fun. Who knows...the new band may actually become famous w/you in it!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry KML about this. Ugh. Band drama - I am amazed anyone gets any music played. I've been on a 29 year hiatus as the gf with the ringside seat to it all, but my friend keeps me up to date on the scoop for the various local bands I used to know well back in the day. It's amazing how delusional musicians can be.
Anyway, I know this stings. I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm really glad ex-singer has reached out. You will find a new group to jam with. I think it would be hilarious if you played SXSW ... now, THERE's a great goal, eh?! xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Ok - have a crazy idea that I'm just going to document here for future reference.
I've been watching the Olympics, which I always love. One event I really like is the hurdles. As a (non-athletic) kid I would run and jump the hibiscus bush on our front lawn, imitating the hurdlers.
Now, I was never an athlete and I have never been able to be a runner (I've tried; I can walk quickly for miles but jogging and running just don't work well for me). But I always thought how great it must be to fly over those hurdles.
So I looked up a video of a Masters women's hurdle event and thought - hey, I could do that! Not right this minute, but if I trained for a year or two or three - yeah, I could do that! The hurdles for the 60+ women's group are only 27" high - that actually seems doable. And I think the sprinting would be more suitable for me than distance running ever was.
So - just a slightly more than idle thought, but - maybe I'll take up training to run the 100 meter hurdles in a Master's race someday. It seems like a useful training goal at least, to help me get back in shape and lose weight. And who knows? Maybe by the time I'm 70 I'll be good at it?
