Are we there yet?

[Georgiabelle]

Hi Ginger,

Betsy is spot on!! I have found that people, although generally well meaning, are extremely uncomfortable with single peeps. That's why so many deliver hollow cheerleading speeches (that's what I call them). "You will find someone when you least expect it!" Is he going to leap out from underneath the car? I mean, dang. My XSIL met and married a man in ICU. No, that isn't a typo and it happened in 18 days. Didn't last but I digress. Or the ubiquitous "There is someone out there." Well, duh. Lotsa peeps out there on the planet but that doesn't negate that it isn't easy peasy to meet single, available folk.

You seem like a beautiful, smart, caring, genuine woman who happens to be a fantastic mother and great friend. I have friends that do OLD and it is mixed bag. I find it interesting that we have come to a place where we have convinced ourselves that the only way we can meet people is by not talking to them. Gotta swipe right or message them thru a dating app. I know that pitch is that if you really want someone you have to market yourself.I don't OLD but if I did here is my marketing pitch "Divorced 43 year old mother of 3. Devoted football fan who eats crunchy peanut butter out of the jar. Does a mean version of "Photograph" in karaoke and makes margaritas that make your face go numb. Even my socks don't have a match" I kid:)Sorry for that highjack.

I'm sure you get lonely and I know this isn't what you saw for yourself. Just live your life. Enjoy your daughter. I do think if finding a partner is very important, then you will have to more than likely, do something (whatever that is) to meet more single guys. Just my very invaluable 2 cents.

Hang in there. Positive vibes your way.

[Ginger1]

Betsey,

I am so very fortunate that I have been embraced as the off number wheel for so long. I am the odd wheel this weekend, I'll be the odd wheel next weekend, and I'll be the odd wheel for my cousin's birthday. No one is uncomfortable with it luckily. me more than anyone maybe, but not so much. I did enjoy actually having a date there for a while.

People just ask. Or I talk about wanting an R. So, the frustrating is, I don't simply say "I don't want a man!" It isn't my choice at this point, lol. Because it isn't my choice, I get uncomfortable with the question. So I just say I'm sure when the time is right, it'll happen for me.

Georgibelle,

Your 2 cents are very valuable. Thank you for your sweet words. I cracked up at your dating site profile because I love it! I think you should use it! Those are actually valuable qualities to offer. We do indeed have to market ourselves, and I have never, ever been good at that. I just tell the truth like you did and I hope someone is like "yes, that's my future wife!" I listen to those hallow cheerleading speeches for 8 years. "I've listened to those hallow dating cheerleading speeches for 8 years. "it's going to happen, don't worry, when you least expect it" Well, I guess I'm not going to expect it at 70, right? The last guy was completely unexpected, so maybe that was right. but it didn't work out, so, technically, "it" didn't happen.

I hate sounding so desperate on here. I'm not really, If I was, I'd be actually doing something about it. I am lonely, that's no secret. I just can't make that mission at this point in time. Too darn busy. I'm stuck in a rock in a hard place. Like you said Betsey, I am holding out for the one who comes into my life, makes himself a part of my life as well as I make myself a part of his, and embraces my crazy, messy life. A true partner.

[Maybell]

Ginger, when I took off my ring I decided I wasn't going to date. God was going to have to fling the right guy in my path for me to change my mind. But I did watch around me to see what guys were like. And I knew I wanted a chance to get the marriage thing right. So when I asked a friend "Do you think I'll ever meet a good guy?" She hesitated and said, "Well, I think you're going to have to put yourself out there."

I threw together an online dating profile not much different than GB's and then I spent more time exploring who was out there than in hoping someone would find me. Every time I looked at a profile I imagined what life with that guy might be like -- i.e., comparing the brainy guys against the professionals against the athletes against ... You get the idea?

I spent a little time messaging and had some phone calls and narrowed down my values. I went on a couple of dates and narrowed down my values some more. I met my guy and got excited but when it looked like it wouldn't work out I went back to the candy shop and went on a couple more dates. That confirmed what I wanted -- the kind of life My Guy wanted (as it happens). There was nothing wrong with the other people I went out with -- they just didn't offer what I wanted. Things smoothed out with My Guy and now I'm enjoying the ride.

At no point did I try to market myself. I stuck some true things up on a wall and dedicated myself more to seeing what would make me happy than wondering who would find me attractive. How would it change your thinking if the thought of how you approach dating was more about determining what you want than trying to attract someone to you?

[Dawn70]

Ginger,

I think I understand what you mean when you say you were robbed of the future. I kind of felt that way too, at first. Like I had my future abruptly changed by someone else's decisions and I didn't even get a say. It was tough. And, every once in a great while, it still is. But on this end, looking back, I know that everything that happened led me to where I am now and I'm much happier and more stable than I have been in a LONG time. I liked what some of those before me said about reframing the whole thing. For me, time allowed me to reframe it. It might be different for all of us, but I think we all get there in our own time.

Like Maybell said above, when I first took my rings off, I was not going to date. And, now, almost 2 full years after D, I feel like maybe I might be ready to dip my toe in again. But we shall see.

Best of luck!

[Ginger1]

Maybell and dawn, I follow along on your sitch. and I always smile to read of your new R. It's coming along nicely, and you are cautiously optimistic which is smart . I too, swore off dAting after the D. I knew I would date again, I was in my 20's but I didn't look nor want anything for quite sometime and I was content. I was rediscovering me, and getting my life in order over some huge bumps in the road. I actually dated a guy shortly after the separation who was completely wrong for me and I realized I was not ready. It was fun, but purely a rebound. 2 years in I dated someone who was not an R and Someone who I kept reconnecting with briefly throughout the years, but never seriously. We were familiar and comforting and honestly, it kept the " itch" away for real R's. As soon as I truly released him, that's when ex NG came into my life. Now exNG is gone, my place of comfort is now in an R and I have nothing to scratch that itch.

Oh, by the way, as I'm tryiping this is when I realized why I might be extra extra lonely this time. It's quite an "aha" moment.

So now is my time to be truly, truly without that comfort. And be ok with being where I am without that.

I was looking at old pictures where I was doing fun, new things and there was such a light and happiness in my eyes. I know it's missing now. I'm going to get it back. Without anyone to put it there but me.

I had my IC tonight and it was needed. I realized I was falling back into "woah is me " mentality and that's not where I want to be or who I am.

I've also struggled with something going on in my life that I can't share with anybody but my IC as to keep someone else's business private. But it's really, really been affecting me. I think we came up with a solution on how to help it not affect me.

Thanks guys. I've really had an eye opening revalation. What has been weird is that I've went through the process already and came out the other side. This is not the beginning for me. I seem to be cycling through it again, and it's somewhere I just do not want to go back to

[uRworthy]

You know, G, I get it. I really do. You love your daughter, you love your family and your friends. They are enough. You have a good life, a good job.

But we sometimes have this idea of what we thought our life was going to look like and then it doesnt and we feel sad about it from time to time.

It doesnt take away from what we do have. It doesnt mean we cant be happy and content. It just means that the visions we had, didnt happen and sometimes we need to acknowledge that and its ok when we do as long as we dont live there.

I know you know that someone should enhance your life, not define it. I used to get angry when someone would say that I need someone to complete me as if I wasnt complete on my own. As if, without someone, I was somehow not finished.

You thought you found someone that would add to your life. It didnt work out. You feel sad and disillusioned. Totally appropriate response. I wont disrespect you by telling you to get over it.

But you will..you are. It's a process. The stages of grief. The reconciliation of your feelings.

I honestly feel as if you will meet someone when you are supposed to and there isnt anything you should be doing to hasten that.

Your life is full. You are amazing. This may not be what you thought your life was going to look like, but, you have many blessings.

Nothing ever stays the same. Thats the real truth of it.

So, strap yourself in and ride the ride. See where it lands you. Until then...dont be too hard on yourself, you know...like you do sometimes.

Love you, sweetie.

[kml]

You know what? Dating takes effort. Perfect men seldom just fall into your lap. If you're not in college or a job where you meet a lot of single men, you're going to have to put in the effort and date a few frogs.

I think it's fine if somebody doesn't want a relationship, great, don't date. But be honest with yourself; if you WANT a relationship, you have to do the work to find someone.

For most people today that means online dating. But if you can't handle that, you need to join meetup groups, take up a male-dominated hobby, or find some other way to meet men. Smile at men in Starbucks or the grocery store.

I dated several men after my divorce. The only one I didn't meet online was the one who picked me up in Big Lots. I would never have met Mr Tall Dark and Handsome without online dating; he lived 90 miles away and came from a completely different sphere of life. Yet he's perfect for me.

So be honest with yourself; do you want a relationship, really? If you do, do the work.

[Ginger1]

Hi UR:) You pretty much nailed it all. I do have a full life, I made a good one for myself. and for D. Anyone who enters it now will enhance it, not make me whole. I can be a crazy whole at times, but I am whole.

I have dropped the whole future thing. I'm back to taking things day by day. I feel for those who spent their lives with someone and saw growing old with them and they leave right before the golden years. We all lost a picture of what we though the future would hold for us in one way or another. I can't stay stuck there anymore.

Yes, I found someone who added to my life. And it didn't work out. I realize it was difficult for so many reasons, but when you finally think you get it right, that person tells you are everything they were looking for, you were the best R they ever had, even AFTER you broke up, it leaves you scratching your head. People walk away easily, and into someone elses arms even when you have something like that? left me feeling confused and hopeless. But I am slowly accepting there are just no explanations for things. And I am getting over it, I think. Things are the way they are. Nothing I can do about it. Being still in that regard is sooooooooo hard for me.

I certainly do need to quit being hard one myself. Right now, I'm just living day by day and what is will be.

Ellie,
Yes, I do want an R, for real. That is no secret. But I can't for the life of me figure out where I can fit the effort of dating in with my life and schedule. I know there needs to be priorities, and while I would love to put school and my daughters activities on the backburner and get my ex to take D maybe 2 more nights a month, he won't. I'd like to skip the dating portion, honestly, and get right to the R where I can have him around my D, so I don't have to chose how to use my very limited free nights per month! Yes, at this point, I'd rather spend those nights with friends than going on first dates. So, well, rock in a hard place.

My friend and I did go out the other night and these 2 guys bought us some drinks and then we got a bite to eat at the diner with him. The one guy asked for a number so we could all hang out sometime, and he did use it to ask me out. However, I am not interested at all. I'm not attracted, he's a 48 year old guy who's never been married, semi-employed, living in a frat house type of situation. Not for me. I turned him down kindly.

So, I've decided against looking for anything right now and just finding my happiness alone. My LL is PT, which has been a bit hard to go without, and by that I don't mean sex, just being held, hugged, holding hands, that stuff. But I'll just keep going without. UR is right, when it's the right time in my life, it'll happen.

[whatisis]

I think what's important, and often sorely lacking in our dating experiences, is to learn from those experiences. What I've discovered is that people are what they are and they show it to you early. It's important to believe them! Sometimes we say "Oh, it's early...they'll come around" etc. trust me, they don't! I think with NG you knew early on that his boat wasn't floating in the same waters as yours but you believed he would change. In the dating world people don't change! What you see is what you get...in reality, people are pretty simple! I think I said once before that when someone shows you who they are count it as a blessing, accept it and move on. I've learned to cut online connections fast when I pick up something that isn't right...I don't date much lol. I've yet to say "wow, I'm so glad I gave that person the benefit of the doubt" ...nope. so take this experience, learn from it and if you do want a relationship (nothing wrong it you don't) then try again. Be loving but be wise

[uRworthy]

G, you and are the same in that we want to understand. We want to know why people act as they do and we dont get it when they act in a way that doesnt make sense.

I have learned that no one knows what drives another person. So much of who we are is made up of so many things....biology, life experiences, history, etc.

So while it looks one way to us on the outside of a person, we dont really know what makes up their thoughts.

If I had to guess, I would say that NG means what he says..you were the best relationship he's had. I know because of who you are, but, also because of his actions before and since.

We dont always do what's best for us at the time. When you havent done the work, and I would guess he hasnt, you continue to go back to your comfort zone of how you always acted. It is where one feels safe.

The things you saw in him were true, I think. The kindness and the caring. But its all the other stuff, brimming beneath the surface, that is hard to figure out.

We can go round and round trying to sort it all out...but, that doesnt serve us well, right? Because the truth is...we arent them. What seems absolutely crazy to us..seems right to them. Different people, different mindsets and experiences and thoughts.

So, what can we do? We have to learn to drop at some point the wanting to know and understand and just accept what is. That's for us.

I know you have a busy life..dont forget to leave some time for you, my friend. Some quiet time.

I agree that if you want something, you have to work for it. I also feel that sometimes just releasing it all into the universe and allowing what's supposed to happen to happen, amazing things can come into your life.

You are a young, vibrant women, sweetie. Beautiful and kind and loyal. Someone has to be exceptional to deserve you.