3 Months since she said i dont love you (3)

[Natus]

I've identified my triggers:
1 - HER. On the top of the list. Seeing her drags up feelings.
2 - Silence, i use to love silence but now my mind wonders to her and my sich. So i've been listening to 90s Pop Rock ~ cheesy breakup songs arnt just for movies.
3 - Looking up her last seen online when on my phone. Need to stop that.
4 - Feeling the need to check her social media. Im proud that im starting to stop that. Plus she hasnt updated at all since separation. Go figure, before she use to always take selfies and posting on instagram.

Going wall climb tonight and bringing wee Son. Hope he has fun.

[DDJ]

Hey Natus, so here's the thing that you need to learn, like Coconut, self-control...

1 - HER. On the top of the list. Seeing her drags up feelings.
DON'T SEE HER.
2 - Silence, i use to love silence but now my mind wonders to her and my sich. So i've been listening to 90s Pop Rock ~ cheesy breakup songs arnt just for movies.
Music speaks to your soul, listen for positive messages, not wishy washy love longs. Listen to music that you've never listened to before, forma new identity, new memories.
3 - Looking up her last seen online when on my phone. Need to stop that.
STOP THAT.
4 - Feeling the need to check her social media. Im proud that im starting to stop that. Plus she hasnt updated at all since separation. Go figure, before she use to always take selfies and posting on instagram.
DELETE ALL SOCIAL MEDIA APPS FROM YOUR PHONE. You want to be free, then free yourself from society, and just be alone. You will die alone.

[DDJ]

Today is hard. Even after all the distractions. I [censored] love her but i have to cast her out my heart and mind.

I feel for my boy and it breaks my heart when he tears up and asks "wheres Mummy?". I cant answer him. I just say "its okay i love you".

If it was just me i'd go dark and cast it all away but i cant. I have to deal with my Son's broken heart too. That hurts me more than anything. I have to stop myself from thinking about it when im out in public lest the tears come forth.

Sorry rant.

As for this rant, feel your emotions, cry like there's no tomorrow - but remember that there is a tomorrow... mmmhhhh.

Do you want your son remembering his father on his knees crying for a woman that does not love him, or a strong confident man that will not accept the hand that he was dealt, but will forge his own path in life.

Do not cry for her, she does not cry for you. Do not cry for your son, he will have his own tears.

[Natus]

Hey thanks DDJ for chiming in. So far no tears in front of Son.

Im at a wierd spot. I've dropped the rope as in i have no hope or thoughts for reconciliation. Kind of hard to when before we parted she said "i dont love you, and will not now and in the future". I guess she killed it dead. In a way this separation feels all the more final.

The good, im no longer pining or wanting after her. Im sad yes, i am grieving the loss of my marriage, family and partner. Im glad i allowed myself to go through the sadness. I no longer feel the need to know what shes up to. The anger comes less and doesn't stay long. Again just sad it has ended up this way.

So the general theme of the week is sadness.

Went with my little boy wall climbing last night. We had a good time although he was quite intimidated at first. He got to watch daddy scale up a wall like spiderman. Managed to get home just intime for bed time. Put him to bed, said the i love yous and goodight and he was fast asleep not before long.

[DDJ]

Good to hear Natus, wallow in the sadness if you must, but don't distract yourself, feel every last bit of it so that you never feel like that again.

I used to cry anywhere and my son would ask whats wrong, and i'd say, my knee is sore, and he'd say that i must put a plaster on it. Always so cute.

The pining does stop, it is attachment. Real love and what she had for you are two different things. Real love is action. And she stopped showing the right action a long time ago.

I too cried for the breakdown in the family unit, thats the right tears to have. It is hard to see what you worked so hard for break down.

Remember tho, that when you think that everything is falling apart, they're actually just falling into place - So what is falling into place?

[Natus]

Well someone might be interested in the house. This will give me some much needed leeway financially. I dont have to worry bout place to stay as my Parents house is mansion-like and empty rooms. Advantages of living in a sleepy small country. Everyone has huge houses.

Im day dreaming about it. With some cash in hand ill be able to let go some debts and have a much needed break. Maybe head to Nepal.

Am i day dreaming too much. Am i rushing things. We've only physically separated 2 weeks but the 5 months before that and her current actions, i dont see anyway back to reconciliation. I dont even think i want too anymore.

[Natus]

So i texted her logistical stuff and about how someone might be interested in the house. Asked her if she could get the figures from the valuation report she had done when she was moving banks last month.

Also asked if the car she using can be switched to her name from mine (I bought the car for her Aug last year) before i knew i was such a lousy husband apparently.

All purely logistical and financial.

Then she asks how are thing at work and have i adjusted to my new work shift. I couldnt help but feel like she doesnt get to ask those questions, i actually got a little emotional. A drop of tear in my eye that i had to play off in the office like i was yawning.

I replied back "if its okay, I dont want to talk about my life" i was going to add "with you". Not my best i know. I should have said something like, "lets keep this purely logistic...bla bla bla"

Before i would have caved for her attention. Now i see her and all i feel is pain, pain she has caused me and now my son will have to live with.

Ah, as i write this i have circled back to why this has hurt so much. Having a family was my ultimate dream but now that is shattered. Taken away from me. Taken away from my boy.

At this point i feel i like i have truly given up on her. Im probably not over her yet (duh!) but there is no way back for us. The damage has been done.

[Sotto]

Hi Natus, if it helps at all I used to either not respond to personal questions like that - or I would just text good thanks and leave it at that :-)

[pinn]

I would have replied back with something like "it's going great!! Super busy!" and left it at that

[DDJ]

Natus, as long as i live i will never forget your post to me about not being broken, i'm welling up just recalling it. it has helped to define my journey and i am thankful.

So, i ask you, as you did me - what makes you think that you can't have another family, a better family, one where your future wife cares about you and your son?