Did Not See It - But Should Have

[COG]

RDS,

You're making some very good decisions.

She said she's never seen a H put as much effort to saving the marriage as I have.

This is feedback you should relish if you're wanting to save your marriage. A little secret about my marriage being saved, my W let me know after we got back together that a large part of her motivation was that she saw what an amazing H I had become, and she didn't want anyone else to have me. Now that didn't sit all that warmly with me at the time, but things have warmed up a lot more since then I'll tell ya. Keep being nice, being helpful, supportive, encouraging, appreciative, etc etc etc. Just like you would if you were courting a friendship with someone you just met.

[RDS]

Thanks COG. I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I do plan to do everything you mentioned.

[Buxom]

RDS,

Keep being nice, being helpful, supportive, encouraging, appreciative, etc etc etc. Just like you would if you were courting a friendship with someone you just met. [/quote]

I'm confused. I like this advice but does it not conflict with the 180?? Do you do this only when WH is acting appropriately and 180 when he's being an a$$?

[RDS]

RDS,

Keep being nice, being helpful, supportive, encouraging, appreciative, etc etc etc. Just like you would if you were courting a friendship with someone you just met.

I'm confused. I like this advice but does it not conflict with the 180?? Do you do this only when WH is acting appropriately and 180 when he's being an a$$?

Buxom,

I think every sitch is different. During the last few years of my M I was cold and indifferent to my W. My constant negativity towards her was the reason she left me. Her leaving me was my "rock bottom". My DB coach suggested I start being her friend first, which in a sense, is a 180 for me. I've tried to be her friend as much as possible. I've had very limited contact with her but when I do I'm friendly and non threatening. I hurt her badly with emotional coldness and now I have to earn her trust. Best way to do that in my sitch is be her friend and not her H.

[Buxom]

RDS, I hear you and thank you for sharing! My fear is if I'm entirely hands off and too detached he may make assumptions that I'm done. I think this because even remarks like, let's talk about this later sets him off defensively. I am being cheerful and quick to laugh and going with the friendship suggestion from DB coach. The lighthouse has to feel safe and welcoming when they peek in. I'm Working through my stuff and hope he will join me soon. He was almost out of MLC and went back in so here we go again. Take care, Colleen

[ATPeace]

Hey guys I can see so much of me and my witch in the comments that are being made although I am in house separation with my W it is really hard when she is being cold towards me not to react by being cold or getting upset.

I am thinking of you

Ghost

[MoveFrwd]

Please take care....

I'm friendly and non threatening.

Friendly is not the same as friends.

[RDS]

Friendly is not the same as friends.

Aren't friends friendly? When I talk to her I don't bring up talk our R at all. We talk about our jobs, her friends, and a lot of our history. I try to keep it light and breezy as I can. I don't know how else to be her friend with out being friendly.

[doodler]

[quote=darknes]I try to keep it light and breezy as I can. I don't know how else to be her friend with out being friendly.

RDS,

Have you considered humping your wife's leg? That would allow you to be friendly and affectionate while completely avoiding any relationship conversation.

[RDS]

RDS,

Have you considered humping your wife's leg? That would allow you to be friendly and affectionate while completely avoiding any relationship conversation.

Lol, before the split I didn't want anything to do with my W sexually, now I think about it all the time. I would probably be happy getting a little leg like that now.