Well - I must admit that I was slightly surprised and slightly relieved. Since I'm "working" from home today and tomorrow is garbage day I emptied the trash cans including the one in the spare room where W is. On the top was a strip from the newspaper with apartment ads in it. So - she's considering moving out. We had talked about it before and she didn't think she could money-wise. I had told her that it probably could work but be tight.
I'm not sure how long that has been in her trash but probably no more than a few days. That might explain why she needed her proof of income if she's putting her ducks in a row to move out. Well - at least that's some sort of decision. I need to stop by the hardware store tomorrow and pick up new lock cylinders and keep them handy. If she's moving out then I need to make sure I have control of her access to the marital home and contents. I've heard of houses getting stripped. One worry is that I have no control if she does this while I'm at my conference.
Sigh. I really want this to be over.
No telling if she will actually pursue a move. She does have it pretty good here other than the fact that she can't have OM over.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Others may not agree with this, so please get some advice from fellow DBers if you consider doing this...
It may be the perfect time for a 180. Go get some of those free publications that list rental properties and give them to your wife (or you can look around for some good rental sites online). Tell her that you noticed the newspaper in the trash and that you thought you'd get some more rental info for her. Help her along toward her goal.
I know it'd feel weird to do that, but I guarantee you that she's not expecting it.
doodler - I actually did that 180 a few weeks ago I think when I told her that I believed in her and that she could do it on her own rather than groveling and begging her to stay.
One of the mistakes that I feel that I've made as a husband and partner has been always being the one with the answers. So - for example when we got invited to one of W's nephew's wedding old me would have gone into planning mode, figured out how to get there, where we would need to stay and then present that plan to her. I did actually do all of that figuring out but my only comment to her was "do you think you're going?" to which I didn't get an answer. I didn't even ask my follow-up question of "do you want me to go" as I'm not sure if I want to or not - if we're not a couple any more than it wouldn't make sense and she would also have to deal with her family asking where I was. The wedding is over a month away and as I am learning, these things can change abruptly so I am prepared to be flexible.
The other side of this is me giving her space / detaching. She's a big girl and needs to make her own decisions about where she's going to live, sleep and with who. I've made my "wishes" clear. There was a post I read today I think from either Cadet or sandi2 that actually went into detail about what they mean by detaching and I think that this not only follows those concepts but is also the "right" thing to do.
Also - admitting that I went through her trash would be a MAJOR bad mojo.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
doodler - funny that this should come up today here.
W came home (pretty much on time) in a bit of a grump. Perhaps she's realized that I removed her access to those files but didn't say anything. She did make a couple of comments about me hating her but I didn't rise to the bait. That was weird too - she's pretty much never brought up my feelings (or her feelings) for a long long time.
A bit later I mentioned that I had paid some bills early because I was going to be away next week. W got a bit upset that I hadn't left her a list of the bills for her to do while I was away. This is weird because I've been doing our books for years. We had problems a long time ago when she was doing them in part because she wouldn't share what was going on and tried to juggle too many things. Since I've done the books everything has been open and she sees all the bills when they come in and she also does much of the in-person banking that we do weekly. Where I think she was going with this was that she felt that she was capable of contributing to the family in this and that it was something that I had "taken over" - not really sure where she was going actually. She even got a bit weepy about it - weird. I did tell her a bit later that I would be perfectly happy if she chose to look at our books and pay the bills and that as far as I was concerned as long as the bills got paid on time I didn't care "who" did it.
So - it appears that I have a bit more detaching to do still and be a bit less controlling over this part of our lives.
On the other hand - I need to be careful and protect myself - it's a difficult balance between needing to show someone you trust them while at the same time worrying that that trust will be abused.
Sigh.
Maybe I'd be better off with just my cats instead of this human contact thing.
P.S. - did you find the peanut butter? I'm still willing to trade ironing for cookies.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Andrew, just be careful and make sure you check out what the legal situation would be where you live before you go down the route of changing the locks.
Andrew, just be careful and make sure you check out what the legal situation would be where you live before you go down the route of changing the locks.
Good point. My plan is to only do that if she gets her own place. I know from my own studies that ignorance of the law is no defense but that is only in a court. I've heard too many first and second hand stories of one spouse either trashing or looting a house to not think of how to protect myself. I'm still thinking that it's low probability but then again I always thought her cheating on me was too.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I agree with focus22; if you've been doing the books and bill payment over the years and she suddenly wants to start doing it, then there's a high probability that something is amiss. I'm generally a trusting type, but when it comes to a WW, they're crafty.
With regard to my 180 suggestion, I didn't realize you went through her trash; I'd assumed you just saw the newspaper ads on top of the trash. But I agree, if you went through her trash, then it's certainly not good fodder for a 180.
For what it's worth, I didn't really detach until after my wife moved out and I suddenly, and unexpectedly, realized life felt good again. In some ways that stinks because I want my family back together, but I don't want the wife I had. She'd have to make some major changes for me to take her back and I don't think she'll make the changes.
Lastly, I don't know if what happened to me is really detaching, but I'm assuming it is. I've started saying, "Never believe an LBS when they say they're detaching." I don't say that to be cruel, I just think that if you have to put effort into it, then it's probably not detaching.
For what it's worth, I didn't really detach until after my wife moved out and I suddenly, and unexpectedly, realized life felt good again. In some ways that stinks because I want my family back together, but I don't want the wife I had. She'd have to make some major changes for me to take her back and I don't think she'll make the changes.
Lastly, I don't know if what happened to me is really detaching, but I'm assuming it is. I've started saying, "Never believe an LBS when they say they're detaching." I don't say that to be cruel, I just think that if you have to put effort into it, then it's probably not detaching.
Funny how that works huh. I started feeling 100 times better once WW move out.
Oh and I agree, any LBS who is saying they are detached is not really detached.
My H ran away in October (11 October, to be exact).
Once I started to get over the total and utter shock a bit, and started getting used to the silence in the house, I started really loving it.
The peace, quiet, serenity, freedom from stress and turmoil, the feeling of not trading on eggshells all the time...amazing. It's made such a difference to my life and my wellbeing. Hadn't realised how stressful things had become.
I agree with focus22; if you've been doing the books and bill payment over the years and she suddenly wants to start doing it, then there's a high probability that something is amiss. I'm generally a trusting type, but when it comes to a WW, they're crafty.
Agreed - she can be crafty. I think where this came from (using my awesome mind reading powers) was the same place that some earlier comments came from about me hating her. Another alternative is that she's trying to become more engaged in our life together and is finding that for many things that I don't need her. She used to do our books years ago (long story about why that changed) and we still go over everything together every month (missed last month post BD - papers still on the table). Most weeks she does the in-person banking because it works better for her schedule. I'm thinking stress and angst was the factor here.
It's funny - the "rules" say to not believe anything they say and 1/2 of what they do. Well - she doesn't really say anything (never really has) but what she's doing looks like she's drifting away from OM and back to our home. Perhaps not to me, but to our home and life together. Unless my mind-reading powers are on the fritz yet again.
With that said - yes - I'm watching for the craftiness and working hard on not believing.
P.S. - I've revealed to her that I have a Dr appt today taking the mystery away from that. She seemed relieved and happy but concerned in a good way. I felt that if I expect openness and transparency from her - which is becoming more frequent - that I need to give her the same courtesy.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
