Piecing. Can I make this work?

[LiM]

My wife doesn't know that I know every little detail about him, who his wife is, her phone number, where she works. I want to confront her so bad - something I should've done the second I discovered the affair. I kept quiet, and I think that's been one of the biggest mistakes I've made.

What would doing this now accomplish for you? Would it make you feel good in the short term to "hurt" OM in the same way he hurt you? I imagine it would feel really good. For a minute. Its like taking revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge on that POS. But in the process, you would expose his W to the same pain you've felt. And what harm would it potentially do to your R? Just some things to consider.

What happened in your MC that made you feel like you wanted to end it all?

This all so hard. We fight with everything we have to get our WW back but when we do, we wonder if that's what we really want. If we did the work we were supposed to be doing on ourselves, we, the LBS, are now a significantly improved person and we feel like we deserve better. Why would we want to stay with someone that has done something so horrific to us? Its natural.

I just have to remember that my W lost her F'ing mind in all of this. The damage that the wayward does to themselves is so significant that they can't just pop right back into normal reality. They struggle and stumble. They not only have to come to grips with what they did to their M but also what they did to themselves. I see now that this happened because she had practically no sense of self worth. She was looking for someone to give it to her and in the process gave away what tiny bit of worth that she did have for herself. Its actually very sad to think what she did to herself.

As for me, I had a LOT of 180's to make. I've not been the husband or father to my family that I should have been for a very long time. I thought I was doing everything in my power to provide for my family the way they needed. But I wasn't even coming close. My W struggled through almost 20 years of M with a husband that was emotionally absent. I loved her an my daughters more than anything. But I never took the time to show it.
Is that an excuse to have an A? Of course not. There were LOTS of healthy things she could have done to get my attention. She could have grabbed me by the hair and dragged me into MC to tell me how miserable she was. She didn't. She just gave up.
Despite that, I clearly know the role I played in the mess that was our M. No one on earth would fault me for walking out at this point. She's done the unthinkable. But I feel like I owe it to her to give her a shot at a life with the NEW LiM. It incredibly painful to stay and to deal with her issues as she continues to struggle. But for right now, I'm willing to stay and fight for that. I might feel differently in 5 minutes. Its a horrible cycle that I go back and forth between: Stay vs Go vs Stay vs Go.
In the end, if I stay, she may come to love me more than she ever has before because I chose to stay. And that could be a very good thing for the both of us.

[Stormchaser]

What would doing this now accomplish for you? Would it make you feel good in the short term to "hurt" OM in the same way he hurt you? I imagine it would feel really good. For a minute. Its like taking revenge. Sweet, sweet revenge on that POS. But in the process, you would expose his W to the same pain you've felt. And what harm would it potentially do to your R? Just some things to consider.

I have a weird philosophy about this. Yes, this is perhaps one of the greatest emotional upheavals anyone can go through. So much so that I think married people SHOULD experience this pain, if only for a day, to see what us betrayed go through every single day. Not saying they should all be cheated on, but simply experience this kind of emotional torture and say, "THIS is what its like to be cheated on". The nightmares, the racing thoughts, the soul wrenching ache that you can't wish away and can't medicate away.

So yes, I would want her to experience exactly what I'm going through. [censored] to be me, [censored] to be you. Sorry for being so cold hearted.

My IC helped explain and paint out a possible scenario: Right now, my W is still horribly embarrassed and humbled and depressed and anxious and takes to the bed for days when I bring up her affair. Imagine if OM's W confronted my W and it went haywire. Too many what if scenarios. There's too much potential for far reaching destruction. TxHubby's wife was practically suicidal upon being caught, and my wife wasn't too far away. She locked herself away in a hotel room and drank herself numb for days. If OM's W decided to raise hell, she could. W could possibly suicide. I just don't know what would happen, but I know it wouldn't be good.

What happened in your MC that made you feel like you wanted to end it all?

The MC made a comment about focusing on the future and how much I constantly dwell on the past. She was trying to be positive about all the strides we've made. I made a small comment about how I still don't like the work environment. My W started with "I don't know what else I can do if you keep bringing it up", to which I started to lose my temper. I tried holding back and said, "well, the fact you still work together is a constant reminder for me, so how am I supposed to focus on any future when I have a constant reminder of a place where your CRAPPY BOUNDARIES AND HORRIBLE DECISIONS DESTROYED A 3O YEAR MARRIAGE.."

The marriage counselor told me to be quiet, and I turned to HER and said, "AND YOUR CRAPPY ADVICE AT THE BEGINNING, telling me to not tell his wife, was probably the worst advice I've ever heard. Every infidelity book and forum says affairs need to be exposed, and my dumbass listened to YOU." Then I looked at my wife and said, "If you had ANY MORAL FIBER

[Stormchaser]

Computer burp.

I said, "if you had ANY MORAL FIBER, you would've quit the damn job immediately. I would NEVER put you through the same torture I'm going through. I would've quit out of respect for you. But nooOOOoo (yeah, I really said that), you elect to stay there as an in-your-face reminder. So, tell me ladies, how do I move past a daily trigger?"

I had to leave and wait outside the office until I calmed down. My wife was crying, one of those deep, deep sobs, saying she's had enough, can't deal with my outbursts, we tried, etc etc. I went back in and agreed with her, maybe this isn't going to work, and lets call it a marriage. Of course, it was at the end of the session and our MC said, "well, lets wrap this up and talk about this next week". We're both like, if there WILL be a next week.

And sure enough, after a few days, we got back to talking civilly, had a nice breakfast down the beach and have been doing fine since.

Stay vs Go. Not a daily thought - an hourly thought. Its purgatory, I tell ya.

[MrBond]

I get it. There's a part of you that wants to see your W suffer. To see the OM suffer. To see them squirm in pain. The same pain you say you feel. So let me ask you, how much is enough pain for them to suffer? Do you want them dead? Would that help?

The point is, there is going to have to be a point where you have to put your ego aside a bit in order to move forward. What can your W do for you that will at least get you started with healing? Unfortunately it will have to take alot of give and take on your part and she will not be telling you all of the truth at once. It's just how As are.

[Vapo]

I agree with MrBond. And no, not every book/forum recommends outing the A. And there is a chance that it would not have made a difference anyway (that was the case in my situation).

[LiM]

Storm,

You are angry. You have every right to by. Someone popped by and told me that 6-9 months after BD, we start a new phase where anger becomes our primary emotion. We become angry and irritable. We start putting back on some of the weight we lost. That's all true for me. Thanks to Sandi, I realized that I forgave my W for the A but I hadn't yet forgiven my W for the deceit and the betrayal. THAT is what makes me so angry; the betrayal. How could she possibly do this to me? To us? No decent, moral, rational person would make to decision to do what our spouses have done. While I believe my W is decent and moral, she certainly wasn't being rational. She was not in her right mind. She had lost her mind. And yours did too.

I disagree that most resources recommend exposing the A. You should certainly call your spouse out on it but beyond that, I think the general recommendation is to leave it alone and let the A die out on its own (which it almost always does). The advice is that if YOU are the one to force an end to the A by exposing it that you will become even more vilified and that if saving your M is your goal, doing so will work against you.

It really is unfair. All our spouses can do is be sorry. WE have to do the work to get over the insult that has been dealt to us. TxHubby talks about having to eat $h!t sandwiches in order to move forward. That means we have to put our ego's, anger and resentment aside and be willing to focus on the promise of the future. That is HARD. I hate it and want to run from it. But for right now, I'm choosing to stay.

As I mentioned previously, my W closed her FB account after I called her out for looking at OM's training group page on FB. 10 times over a couple of days. She closed it without me asking and I think that was a very good move. But then I saw a text message that she sent to her sister and she told her that she closed her FB account because it was "too stressful for me." What a load of crock. She's off FB because SHE can't behave properly on FB; not because its stressing me out. Even thought the A is dead, the lies she is telling to herself and others still continue. It will be a long hard road.

[LiM]

So I'm about 6 months into piecing now. I'm really trying to take it one day at a time. We're both in IC and also MC. I'm readying tons of books and working on speaking my W's love languages. I'm trying to let myself be vulnerable and humble and to always remember that I am not perfect and that I chose to forgive. Despite that, I've had 1 foot out the door all Summer. Its been rough for me.

Here's a new one. My W is competing in her first real triathlon race since the A ended. She has a special suit that the athletes wear during the race. Her name was screen printed on it. I guess usually its just the last name that goes on the uniform (not first name). She showed me a picture of it tonight. It her her maiden name and our last name. No hyphen or anything.
She has never used her maiden name. She's never been a "hyphenated" person. Her bachelors and masters degrees MIGHT have her maiden name on them but I'm not certain. She's always just been Mrs. LiM.
I don't consider myself sexist. In fact, quite the opposite. But am I a little bit traditional? Ya, I am.
Here's the thing. This really hurts my feeling. A LOT!
20 years of M and A and NOW you wants to start using your maiden name!?
What does this mean? Why now? Is this a sign of continuing rebellion or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I put on my big boy pants and stop letting this hurt my feelings?

More and more, I just feel like my W is not what I want in a M partner. Maybe she hasn't been for a long time and I just didn't see it.

[J5K]

LiM,

What I would not give to be in your shoes. Please be patient. This is not your old M anymore. This is a new M for you and your W. I suggest you give it time and maybe ask yourself that question in the future again, maybe 3 months from now, maybe again in 6 months. Not sure how many times you should ask if this is the M you want, only you know the answer to that question. It may change for the better, worse, or stay the same. No one knows. Only you can make the choice on whether you want to be in this new M or not.

I can tell you this, I, like many others have read save your marriage books, psychology books, self help/improvement books, to learn and grow as much as possible.

H3ll, I have even read books on open marriage and polyamory. Life is too short. Maybe I am overanalyzing, but I am trying to open my mind to numerous possibilities if my STBX ever wants to bring up a conversation on having all 7 of us living under the same roof again.

The funny thing is, even with all my outrageous research on different relationships, they all have the same message (whether you are in a monogamous R, or some other type of R). The message is the same, communication, honesty, and openness. The more expectations you put on your S, friend, acquaintance, or whoever, and those expectations are not met, the more strain it puts on the R and will most likely fizzle out and/or fail.

Do not rely on your W to make you happy. Rejoice and support her in her happiness, whether she is with you or not, that is unconditional love.

[BluWave]

So I'm about 6 months into piecing now. I'm really trying to take it one day at a time. We're both in IC and also MC. I'm readying tons of books and working on speaking my W's love languages. I'm trying to let myself be vulnerable and humble and to always remember that I am not perfect and that I chose to forgive. Despite that, I've had 1 foot out the door all Summer. Its been rough for me.

Here's a new one. My W is competing in her first real triathlon race since the A ended. She has a special suit that the athletes wear during the race. Her name was screen printed on it. I guess usually its just the last name that goes on the uniform (not first name). She showed me a picture of it tonight. It her her maiden name and our last name. No hyphen or anything.
She has never used her maiden name. She's never been a "hyphenated" person. Her bachelors and masters degrees MIGHT have her maiden name on them but I'm not certain. She's always just been Mrs. LiM.
I don't consider myself sexist. In fact, quite the opposite. But am I a little bit traditional? Ya, I am.
Here's the thing. This really hurts my feeling. A LOT!
20 years of M and A and NOW you wants to start using your maiden name!?
What does this mean? Why now? Is this a sign of continuing rebellion or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I put on my big boy pants and stop letting this hurt my feelings?

More and more, I just feel like my W is not what I want in a M partner. Maybe she hasn't been for a long time and I just didn't see it.

(((Lim)))

Oh buddy, I feel your pain, you know I do!!! I am 18 months into piecing and I still have similar feelings and ask myself those same questions! I promise that over time the intense emotions will fade. The triggers may be there but they won't get you as hard. That is with any crisis in life.

You are doing everything you can do, so try and give yourself some credit for that. Perhaps would it behoove you to do less working on the M? If the majority of your thoughts are on the M, the A, and piecing then when does your mind get a rest? Just focusing on how to solve it will not solve it. Time must also pass for healing to take place, as with any wound. Are you also making sure to do fun things, spend time with other people, and continue your GAL? I think piecing is the best time to start new hobbies and make different plans for the future, and it gives a sense of hope.

I don't know what to say about the name issue. Is it you looking for something else to be angry about? Is there more to it? I have no idea. What's more important is how you respond. Give yourself time to process, think, and don't make assumptions before addressing her.

(((Lim)))

Blu

[CT1118]

It her her maiden name and our last name. No hyphen or anything.
She has never used her maiden name. She's never been a "hyphenated" person. Her bachelors and masters degrees MIGHT have her maiden name on them but I'm not certain. She's always just been Mrs. LiM.

What does this mean? Why now? Is this a sign of continuing rebellion or am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I put on my big boy pants and stop letting this hurt my feelings?

More and more, I just feel like my W is not what I want in a M partner. Maybe she hasn't been for a long time and I just didn't see it.

It's the name her father gave her, the name she was born with, and the name she eschewed to take on yours. The A was not your fault, you know this, but she went on her journey - it was her journey. She came out on some other side and decided for her GAL that she would run a Tri!!! And proudly wearing then name the two greatest families in her life gave her - her father's and mother's and yours. Perspective Lim, perspective please, her running this Tri in that shirt is not about you. Be proud of her for running this Tri, do not drop a turd on her before this by you drama queening all over her shirt. You have done eleventy billion Tri's in your head and your heart while DB'ing into and back out of D apocalypse for you to act like a simple traditional dude at this point. Your line in the sand for telling her take the slow road to Hll forever was not her going on an A excursion, but it is her using her birth name on a shirt?

Like JimKao said, "to be in your shoes" - c'mon brother, I want to cheer you to your finish line, so you go cheer her towards hers.