pinn - You are absolutely right. I do spend too much time guessing etc. One of the perils of being a "fix-it" guy like many of us here seem to be. I do respectfully disagree with your comment that a WW is one forever though.
I "am" a better man already and will continue to focus on staying one. It still tears me apart to see someone I love hurting so much which is part of the man that I am. I want to help but know that I also need to stay as detached as I can.
Like your tag line, I also feel that I've been making some progress. Since my W never moved out we interact almost daily and each day she is reconnecting with parts of her old life sometimes even with me. I have to keep reminding myself that this is a long journey with an uncertain destination.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
My comment that a WW is forever?? Never said that. It is interesting the way you read things sometimes. I said they don't switch back and forth between one and the other. It does not really matter. Just focus on growing and really think (objectively) about what happened in your relationship.
Well - yet again I owe everyone a huge apology. W dropped another bomb on me last night after dinner. She's moving out today and the A is still going. I convinced myself that the A was over and that she was growing closer to me but it must have just gone underground - and I was doing stupid mind-reading again. She already has a (very) cheap apartment signed until the end of September. Her brother and the son of one of her friends are coming over to help her move.
We did also have a huge talk which is unusual for us. The confident, cocky WW of 3 weeks ago is gone replaced by (it seems) a scared remorseful WW who expressed words of regret for the hurt and anger she has caused. A number of her "friends" that she had been counting on to support her in moving out have bailed on her and she says she's cutting others out of her life. She actually listened when I described the pain that I've endured being strong and waiting for her.
She was very surprised that I was completely prepared for this including having divorce paperwork filled out already. She didn't realize that I could file for D for cause because of the A - she had thought that everything would stay quiet with a year-long S first. She was horrified by the thought that the A would become a matter of public record.
This morning as I was leaving I decided to make one last try and literally got down on my knees and begged her to stay. Not good DBing but I felt it was a good gesture to make rather than just sneaking off. To nobody's surprise it didn't work but she seemed moved.
Even though I'm very broken right now, I actually feel some relief. I'm no longer twisting in the wind. Having a plan and knowing about the D processes helped me a "lot". I could speak confidently about the different options and not give in to her wishy-washy ideas. Part of what helps me feel good is something that sandi2 posted the other day about the fact that she's pretty much never seen an in-house separation lead to a reconciliation. Now I have a physically separated W and I can drop the rope, be a lighthouse and all those other DBing things that really mean GAL.
I have great support from my family and friends, I'll now have the freedom of the house and not dread coming home every day. I've "un-followed" WW on Facebook so I won't see her drama although her new (very cheap) place has no internet. I need to stand firm on that.
This morning on the way to work I stopped and sent W a long text saying that now that we're physically separated that we need to agree on boundaries and ground rules about when she can come to the house to get stuff, how our joint finances will be handled etc. As long as she doesn't do anything stupid and I have alarms on everything, I'm going to play it straight.
Wish me luck and accept my apologies again for being so very very wrong.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
No need to apologize! We are all doing the best we can, and we are all going to make mistakes sometimes, either in our actions or our interpretations.
I'm glad you were prepared for this. Very best of luck! (That makes it sound like you're leaving the board, but I hope you stick around.)
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Rose888 - I'm definitely here. This was just the half-time show. Now we switch ends.
It's thanks to the kind people and the vets here that have given me insight into the process and journey that I am on.
I still want my W back and a new MR with her and finally after all these months there has been some real movement. I'm not sure which direction it's moving in, but movement is happening.
I did a bad thing and checked the security camera at home - which doesn't point into the living areas. Definite moving type sounds going on and they haven't taken the camera yet . It hurt to hear it even though it means we're moving on to the next phase.
This is the hardest thing I've ever done and hope to ever do.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Sorry to hear Andrew. My life improved dramatically once WW moved out if it makes you feel any better. I was able to focus on myself completely since we went no contact for months. It was probably the best thing that could have happened given the situation. I would recommend pulling waaay back now and follow the db'ing techniques. Maybe even post thoughts on communication with your wife her before you go it. It really helps to get other points of view. Hang in there.
Im sorry for the recent developments. While Im not particularly surprised, I still can understand the hurt you must be feeling.
Originally Posted By: AndrewP
She was very surprised that I was completely prepared for this including having divorce paperwork filled out already. She didn't realize that I could file for D for cause because of the A - she had thought that everything would stay quiet with a year-long S first. She was horrified by the thought that the A would become a matter of public record.
I still dont really understand this.
Does this mean that you are filing for divorce now?
Sorry Andrew, sounds like you are doing pretty good considering...hang in there and keep coming here to post...I know this board has really helped me!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
Does this mean that you are filing for divorce now?
darknes - no. What it means is that I was able to set the agenda for the talk and direct it where I wanted it to go. In our legal system here a standard "no fault" divorce requires a couple to be separated for a year first. However as a cuckolded spouse I have the option to go directly to divorce. This however creates a public record and W is reasonably concerned that it would hurt her personal and professional reputations. That will only happen if W starts the legal process herself and the first steps about division of property go through without her reconciling.
To answer your question, having the paperwork there had two good impacts. First it made me feel confident that I was in control of the situation. Secondly it was a significant wake-up to WW that this was now very real and that I was very willing and in fact insisting that she needed to decide either reconcile or divorce - no dragged out separation while my own reputation continues to be tarnished in the community.
Now comes yet another very hard part. Dropping the rope and letting her go. I need to do a few things consistently: - stop following her posts on Facebook - stop shopping at her store - stop initiating any contact except for necessary household / finance issues - ramp up the GAL by spending more time with my extended family and by taking charge of the clutter around the house. This weekend's task is emptying any food items from the prior millennia from the freezers and cupboards.
On the advice of my L we will still have joint finances and she has free access to the marital home (can't legally stop her). I've left her connected to me via social media etc so she can lurk on me if she wants - and she's shown that she consistently does and I hope she sees that I'm doing just fine without her.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
. It hurt to hear it even though it means we're moving on to the next phase.