My wife of 12 years dropped the bomb several months ago, saying I'm a great guy but there just is no physical attraction -- there was little in the first place, now she says -- and, in fact, I'm quite suffocating, she says. And she had (is having?) an emotional affair. We have young kids and are still living together in the same house. She severed all emotional and physical intimacy with me. She's taking slow and incremental steps towards a legal divorce.
I'm doing all I can to detach, validate and GAL, which has made our interactions more friendly but it doesn't appear to have done anything to affect basic her desire to get a divorce.
I still wear my wedding band, not to communicate something to her, but because it means something to me. Should I take it off?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I still wear my wedding band, not to communicate something to her, but because it means something to me. Should I take it off?
ForGump
I don't think it really matters much whether or not you wear your wedding band. If she's taken her ring off, then I'd probably do the same, but in my opinion, it's not terribly important. I'm sure there are others that feel differently. (It's like a box of chocolates...)
ForGump, My wife had actually lost her band during a house move about 8 months before an affair began. I did not think much of it at the time there was no monetary value. What I wish I had done was have it replaced. I kept wearing mine until I found out about the affair and then I took it off. Her and I are separated now and have been for 5 months. Her affair continues. I have been doing GAL for the five months and just began all of the 180's and to read the Dr.'s books. I will tell you two things about my experience with removing my ring: 1. When I took it off of my hand in front of my WW I told her that whether we ended in D or rebuilt the R, the old M was dead and if we rebuild, we could one day get each other new rings for a new future. She agreed with that.You may not be at this point yet to make things so bold. 2. I don't know how you look in terms of being in shape, self confidence, or how you dress - but you take that ring off and wear it in public, temptation will come knocking. Be prepared for what you will do in that situation and how it will make you feel knowing that you still love and want your wife if you cave in the name of thinking it will take your mind off it. Believe me. Stay strong, its hard, I'm new here and struggling too. Heed Cadet's welcome letter.
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
2. I don't know how you look in terms of being in shape, self confidence, or how you dress - but you take that ring off and wear it in public, temptation will come knocking. Be prepared for what you will do in that situation and how it will make you feel knowing that you still love and want your wife if you cave in the name of thinking it will take your mind off it. Believe me. .
Sorry, should say "don't wear it in public"
"There is no more important fight than the one for ourselves. Keep on winning." Ginger1, Read her newbies. BD: Feb '16 D: Mar '17 Piecing: Putting the self back together was my piecing. S6
Focusing all of your time, effort and energy into being the best ForGump you can be is key to detaching properly.
Wearing your wedding band is an extremely personal choice. Do you want to wear it? If so, wear it because it means something to you, not because you want her to notice or send a message.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Forgump sorry to that you are here. It is a terrible time in everyone's life if they have come to this board.
I cannot tell you whether to take off your ring or keep wearing it... No one can. What you have to decide is what message does it send to your S. Well she see is as: He has given up on us, He is pouting, He is trying to get at me, I still have him as plan B, Oh No what have I done he is seriously moving on. What do you wish to communicate by either taking the ring off or continuing to wear it?
I had the same question as you... I toiled over it and it kept me up at night. My conclusion was that I took it off when I realized it was over. The time I took my ring off was when I decided I did not want WW back. I could not forgive her BUT more importantly I realized I am better off without her.
A ring is a symbol. It symbolizes the marriage. You wear it on the left ring finger because it was believed there was a direct line to the heart. It is circular meaning it the M has no end. Wearing it is symbol as well and is communication. It could mean a 180 or it could mean departing from the M. You have to decide what it means to you.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
What do people tell their kids when they ask why Mommy and Daddy are not sleeping in the same bed any more? Why is one of them sleeping on the sofa all the time?
Me: 50, MLC/WW 45 Young kids Nov 2015: BD1 Apr 2016: BD2 Jan 2017: W filed Feb 2017: D final
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I've kept my ring on despite the fact she has not been wearing hers regularly since last July and has been completely off since separation.
For me it's a reminder not to stray myself and a sign of my commitment to her and to the M. If things change and she files for D or moves to a more permanent home or in with him I may reconsider but for now it stays on. As for kids I let my W field that one as it was not a mutual decision and I want my D to know that I value the relationship and am not giving up. What lesson does that teach them?
Me: 40 W: 45 T: 13, M: 11 1 D: 9
Suspect A 6/15 ILBINILWY 8/15, and 3/16 EA/PA Discovered 3/16 EA admitted 3/16 W Moved out 4/16 W opens R talk and says A over 1/17
