First post here...just starting to GAL and 180.

[Cadet]

I see IC today and Thursday.

Glad you are going to the counselor.
Let us know what is suggested and how we can support you.

This did not get broken in a day and will not get fixed quickly.

Good job not going into his room and unloading on him.
Actually that is a small victory for you.

He is not going to be able to FIX you either,
only YOU can do that.

[EDF]

Just a couple quick observations, Buxom. You made a couple comments about reconnecting and "maintaining the connection". Yes you want to stay upbeat and positive, be the lighthouse, etc, but it's not your responsibility to seek or "maintain" a connection. It's an important distinction because if you view your goal as maintaining a connection you might judge the success of your actions based on how your H responds, which can lead you away from being detached.

Indeed, something said a lot is that things may get worse before they get better. As you're seeing, you standing firm has resulted in your H seeming more withdrawn. Once he sees you're not chasing after him, he unfortunately may try other, uglier, tactics to make you feel guilty or get you to cave in. If he does get distant, frustrated, mad, despondent, says hurtful things, or whatever, that is not a sign that you did anything wrong. Sometimes things really do get worse before they get better.

[doodler]

Just a couple quick observations, Buxom.

EDF,

I hope that's not another buxom joke. You're going to get me kicked off this forum.

[Buxom]

Just got The Solo Partner in the mail yesterday and finished two chapters. It's just sinking in to another level just how hard this all will be. Saw IC today and she confirmed that transitions and changes are difficult and my resistance to it today is to be expected. It seems so hard to think of being happy and upbeat around WH when I feel like this and vacillating between I can do this or no I cannot. I am working on me and realizing how much denial I've been dishing out. No so dear I'm more angry now!

[Buxom]

Thanks cadet! Good reminders for me.
IC talked about self care and we worked on distorted thinking. I do a lot more mind reading, fortune telling and magnification than I thought. Can't believe how far I slipped but at least I can see it know and we worked out how to counter them as I notice them come up. It's based on mindfulness so feel, accept, move on, ... "thoughts are not facts" and "my thoughts are not me". Fairly emotional now. I only seem able to cry in her office.

My self care today, as I type, is over an hour of watching big planes take off over my head. I think I'm up to 20 by now.

EDF, I appreciate the heads up and will be ready to not take things personally. It has hurt when he with draws or shares his plans, with no asking on my part, one day and then is MIA the next.
My detaching has not been very good as I realized today the amount of denial I still carried. My eyes continue to open and my hurt deepens. I am not the woman I was and I don't know if I'd be friends with me like this.

[Cristy]

Hello Buxom,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Thanks to SH_ for the vote of confidence regarding speaking with a DB Coach. You mentioned that you are in a tough spot financially due to being on sick leave. Let's see if we can work something out.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[Buxom]

I had a very busy and emotional day on my own in the city. My breast cancer art group met and they are usually very supportive but yesterday e everyone seemed to be talking AT each other and not to one another. I stayed silent until questioned and even then I was cut off with one of their stories. I left early. Self preservation.
Then lunch and reading before IC. I finally talked more about me than WH and realized how much I have put him and others first. Sad!!
I did not want to go home as WH would be there for supper so I sat at the end of the runway at the airport for 2.5 hours watching planes take off directly over me. Loved it. I read and checked in here too in between.
Then travelled two hours home and went to my drumming group 7-9. It was relaxing and felt a bit better about going home. I hate going home to the withdrawn WH and no PT. He was quiet but then started to talk about weekend plans (his) and then suggested we see the new star trek movie Friday. He also talked about his week off and suggested I move my surgery date so the week was completely off and we could go to his dad's for a few days. I had forgotten this week was his holidays. It's the week up to and including our 22nd anniversary.
I feel like I am talking too much again but not really sharing about me. This morning he asked about a charge at the car dealership. I explained, nothing to hide, but again likely gave too much detail. Is that wrong??

[Buxom]

Overall a better day until I saw a video he posted on Facebook and there she was! It was only a glimpse but she was standing right beside him while he did his fake laugh. Enough about him! My anger is really taken hold. I stomped around the house, by myself, yelling and crying. Then I did the feel, accept, move on from IC and mindfulness. It helped.
Was it wrong to be quieter with WH when he got home with D16? I didn't make physical contact or kiss good night as I had been. He deserves no such attention for being at this birthday party with IT, what I call OW.

[Buxom]

I feel myself starting to weaken in the face of so much disconnection and withdrawal from WH. The little touch and go's are pretty much gone since his request four nights ago to rejoin me in mbr. I find it harder to concentrate and I feel like I wanna cave in. What a miserable feeling!! I know caving at this point will be counterproductive at this point but the silence and his absence most evenings is getting to me. I can look for small positive interactions and they are small. I am GALing well, it's just the lack of interaction and very little talking is excruciating to me. We used to have a very loving and passionate life in and out of bed. Now nothing. He's even stopped kissing me and I hate it. My IC today was not too helpful, she does not agree with all of the 180 and feels I may be manipulative with it. I guess he could take it that way, whose to know, but I have not gone into this to be manipulative. I only ever want to be authentic and genuine but I can't totally be that with the 180 not " allowing " the ily.
I hear him making plans with me for a movie this weekend and him wanting some plans for our week off first week of August. Don't believe but I want to! Hope [censored]!

I have my first phone session with DB tomorrow morning and I'm excited. I'm also nervous since there will be more me venting and explaining than real planning. Yup I'm impatient.

[Buxom]

WH got home Very late, even for him "working". Was chatty until D left & nothing more to me. Am I getting the silent treatment? He can't come to say good night? I'm too thick to realise that he's emotionally gone? We've barely spoke about anything this week and it seems it's all sliding away! Is this really the plan???

I want to say good night, not talking temp check, but just for me. I want that contact if nothing else. Is that wrong?