What Should I Be Doing (Piecing 7)

[Coconut]

One last thing before I head out to open mic night.

My nieces are sleeping over tomorrow night for pre-planned fun time with me and W. On way home from counseling W says to me:

"I know this is a sore subject, but I wanted to ask if I could bring neices to fire station to let them get in fire truck and take cool pictures for sister"

My immediate reaction was are you fn kidding me, hell no... But I kept my mouth shut, and am coming here for suggestions... I'm thinking I should not let my anger get in the way of nieces enjoying that, but I really hate the idea of W getting to share that place with them.

[Wonka]

Coconut,

I think it would be authentic of you to share with your W that references to the firehouse is a trigger for you. However, you want to be supportive of your nieces in seeing where W volunteers. That would be wonderful to see that happen.

Enjoy the open mic event.

I will get back to you later on your recent post on comments during the IC/MC session. I want to rest a bit tonight.

[J5K]

Coconut,

I echo Wonka, your W will be there with your nieces. You have to control your anger and let things like this happen. It will be fun for your nieces.

Just a thought, but is there any way you can go also so that you can see the fun that your nieces will have?

[RSG]

Cnut.....

I know exactly how you feel about the fire station. I think your asking here means you're amenable to letting it happen because you know the majority will say it's no big deal.

Question: Was it the kids idea or W?

I think it's poor form from W, but you should probably just grin and bear it....

[Coconut]

RSG, it was W idea.. I think she feels bad that son couldn't care less about the fire station, I was the only one who showed interest and showed up to events, and I asked her last week (after I told her I was done) to never mention anything fire related to me... So I think she wants someone to share it with and be excited about it. And yes, I asked here because I'm looking to do the right thing, not what my emotions want me to do.

Jimkao, my thought on this is that I will support her taking them and I also thought about asking her if she would be ok with me going also, I do think my nieces will be excited about it and I'd like to be there with them... I will tell her that I will support her taking them and mention me going too.

I can feel my anger wanting to punish her by not letting her bring them there... I'm usually not an angry guy, but I've definitely had issues controlling my anger in dealing with all this, I wonder if anger management classes would be effective in learning to deal with it more effectively.

[mvgfwd2]

when you find yourself impatient, count to 10, and reconsider the situation. Counting to 10 can reduce the amount of stupid things we say better than any other technique ever devised.

[RSG]

RSG, it was W idea.. I think she feels bad that son couldn't care less about the fire station, I was the only one who showed interest and showed up to events, and I asked her last week (after I told her I was done) to never mention anything fire related to me... So I think she wants someone to share it with and be excited about it. And yes, I asked here because I'm looking to do the right thing, not what my emotions want me to do.

I can feel my anger wanting to punish her by not letting her bring them there... I'm usually not an angry guy, but I've definitely had issues controlling my anger in dealing with all this, I wonder if anger management classes would be effective in learning to deal with it more effectively.

You're still in pain, and associate the station with everything that's hurt you. Understandable. I'm a pretty even keeled guy too, but a deep wound takes a while to heal.

I still think it's bad form from W, to ask something like this so soon. But, saying ok is a pretty big olive branch of peace. And, most importantly, the kiddos will enjoy it!

[MoveFrwd]

Patience is definitely not a virtue that I have.

Now would be a good time to 180 this.

any suggestions? My patience for things like waiting in lines, or waiting for son to get out of practice (short term patience) has been much improved.. But real patience eludes me and I don't know where to begin to work on it.

Step by step. And one day at a time.

I would say you learn patience by being patient. So when winks suggests doing nothing for six months, it may seem impossible now. But by going through the days and the weeks, you become patient. Reviewing your course hourly or daily or weekly until you get where you need to go.

im sorry if this comes off as fuzzy and meaningless I can see where you might think that that's not my intent. I read these grand blowups and actions and proclamations and I cringe reading them. I know that if you would wait another hour or two before you did or said these things, then they would ever come to fruition.

Think of it like a pop can - if you shake it up and then open it, it sprays everywhere. But if you shake it then wait a few days, it's back to normal. Right now, you're that shaken up can. How can you control yourself to not pop the top?

My other comment to you - I think you followed DDJ's threads a while back. I remember how he felt so "at peace" with his "decision" to divorce. It made him feel good and settled and in control. I caution you the same as him. You're letting your feelings guide your actions. What happens in 6 months when your feelings change?

[Coconut]

Well tonight is the first night in a month that I couldn't sleep, I think committing to stopping the moving forward with selling the house so I can get my own place has given me a lot of anxiety. I feel so trapped, grrr...

Darkness, your explanation of learning long term patience makes sense, maybe my issue is with shorter term patience, I have a hard time not having to get my feelings out when something has me questioning... Maybe thought stopping is what I need to work on.

[sandi2]

- I'm having a hard time getting my "feelings back" for cnut (made me think of Sandi2)
- he feels like he's done nothing wrong, he sits up on his high perch (ok, I need to work on this, I don't see it but it's obviously there in her eyes)

I think she revealed a lot, if you will take heed. I felt the very same way toward my H. In fact, he told me he had done nothing wrong (as he look down his long, self-righteous nose at me). If I had had any feelings.....he cut them down when he said that.

I didn't have to face as much consequences as a lot of WW's. Maybe my H feels I wasn't punished.......or punished enough. It is not his job to punish me. Neither is it your job to punish your W, Coconut. If you are honest, that has been the burr under your sadle, b/c you don't feel she suffered enough for the pain she caused you.

Do you feel she was able to get back into the M too easily? Have you watched carefully to catch her doing something, so that you could administer a consequence? I hope with all my heart that you haven't, but if it's true........then you could be the stumbling block that keeps the M from being what you so desperately wanted when you first came here.

I can only guess at her statement about being exhausted. As I have previously stated, she doesn't like being scrutinized. It may give her the same "trapped" feeling that you are experiencing. if she is genuine in trying to do everything you have asked of her, then she may not understand why you are still checking up on her. I don't know why she would intentionally lie about the apps (if she's not contacting OM), unless that was the line she had drawn and wasn't going to continue answering to you.

I think you did a great job down to this last incident, Coconut. We all were excited and looking to see your story added to the list of successful DBing M's. All we have to go on is what you write in your posts. After things blew up, you were writing as if she had constantly lied to you ever since the reconciliation. So, I wondered if we didn't have the full picture. But when I said something about it, it seems you were talking about how many times she lied about the apps........and not that she had lied about everything during the reconciliation. Do I have that right?

Up until the last incident, I don't how much you were questioning her, but if it was several times a day.......that was probably too much. In other words, if you asked who she was talking to, every time you saw her on the phone, she would eventually get very weary and feel imprisoned. More than anything else, she can probably read you, and sees your attitude in what you do. If you appear self-righteous to her, then it affects her loving feelings toward you.

I agree with spending time away from her. You both need to regroup.

I want to make another suggestion, and you may strongly disagree. It's about this OW. Do you know why women get a crush on their doctor, or men fall for a pretty nurse? This OW is soothing your pain. She's paying attention to you. She is refreshing. She is a boost to your ego. You can already picture yourself with her. It seems so easy to walk away from your hell and go to this new person. ((Coconut)) that is the perfect storm for an EA. If you don't cut all communication with her right now, you will enter the affair realm. Right now you are angry and may not care, but please listen. She is not the answer to your problems.