One thing I once read Sad Sara was posted by AJM over in the MLC part of the forum.
He said that if you can see the actions of the WS as things they are trying to do FOR themselves (albeit dysfunctionally & destructively) rather than something they are doing TO you, that is really helpful.
I'm not excusing the behaviour - but it can be a helpful perspective to work towards...
I'm paraphrasing, but this was the gist...
Xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Sara, to edit your username, go to the menu bar with 'Forum list, My stuff....'
Click on 'My stuff' and then go to 'Edit profile'.
Do you have After the Affair, and Love and Respect? I find them to be very good reads.
After the Affair actually has sections for the unfaithful spouse and the betrayed spouse. Your H can read through the sections on the unfaithful spouse.
I get what you mean when you say that the second BD was much more painful because your WH had seen what the first BD did to you.
You need to reframe your thinking. Look at your WH as an addict. He is addicted to the highs of the A and was not able to wean himself off cold-turkey at one shot. All addicts know how much their addiction hurt their loved ones. But because their brains are so messed up by the As and the APs, they fly like moths to a fire. The second BD was a very unfortunate relapse.
Now, your WH realises to a certain extent his addiction. He is trying to wean himself off. There will be tough times. But he is a very sick person and he needs some time to recover. You need to give him and yourself credit for the fact that he's trying to work on your M.
Piecing is hard because a lot of times, both the betrayed spouse and the cheating spouse feel like their pain is the greater than the other's. In fact, they say around here that piecing may even be harder than dbing.
If you want to rant, then rant here. You are a smart lady and you have very strong awareness. Use that to your advantage.
(((Sara)))
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Hi Sara! I changed my screen name by contacting a moderator with a request and my new name. I was not wanting my name recognized if WH visited the site.
I really appreciated you stopping by to support me and give me fresh perspectives. colleen
Me54 WH48 S18 D16 M 22 T 24 EA-PA-EA 2011-2015 Separated 10/14 - 06/15 BD1 02/14 BD2 05/16 BD3 08/21/16 and began drinking again Working on me and liking me again
Sotto, Thank you for reframing it that way, I will say that internally whenever my brain says, "Look what he did to you!" In the end the affair was about WH's poor coping skills and immature impulse control than anything to do with me. It's like a mofo but I have to remember to detach my emotions from his behavior.
JksD, One thing this board has been absolutely invaluable for is an outlet for me to vent. When I am feeling very enraged I come here and pour out my angst. My WH only sees 1% of my negative emotions. I do tell him when I am feeling particularly raw so he knows to either back off or approach. (I let him know which one so he doesn't have to mind read) I have viewed him as someone with a chemical imbalance as that is essentially what a person is when in an affair. While I know DBing recommends against exposure I do feel it ripped the rose colored glasses right off the couple in the affair. My WH said OW was very different during the second affair as she was pulled back and not open. She broke it off as she couldn't deal with the secrecy and shame. Meh, broken people, broken lives.
Buxom, Stop by any time!
First day at work was fun and super busy. I only saw a few patients as they get me settled in but I think I will learn their routines very quickly. I am a little disappointed that they still use paper charts as they are cumbersome and a real pain when someone hoards it for 4 hours. Grrrrr.
I spoke to WH at lunch time and on the way home. (he is working nights so we will have only brief times for calls. He will be coming to my home next Monday and we will be looking at houses for sale. This is the tricky part, I am still being extremely cautious and in observation mode (believe nothing they say and only half of what they do) so I am nervous about planning such a huge financial undertaking. He is supposed to be moving here in October and should be starting his job then. HE will be working at a hospital that shares a border with the facility I am working at. But until it happens I am remaining neutral.
I think I am spending too much time looking forward instead of dealing with the "now." (hush, SH, I know. lol)New goal, work in the now and let the future come to me, stop trying to control things I cannot control.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
Great news on the good first day of work Sara! I think you're spot on about not trying to control things that you cannot. I'm finding stopping that is especially tough and I'm not quite there yet. You, however, seem to be making good steps in the right direction. Highly motivating for the rest of us!
Keep it up!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
I think I am spending too much time looking forward instead of dealing with the "now." (hush, SH, I know. lol)New goal, work in the now and let the future come to me, stop trying to control things I cannot control.
Bingo! It's been a while SS but it seems like you're working your way closer to where you want to be. Doing good staying on track and sticking to what matters most! I'm glad to hear your WH has openly committed to 'piecing,' and you're absolutely correct in being cautious throughout the process. The future never actually becomes "present" in our lives. It's just an image of what our little brains can visualize in life, and usually badly... All we have is the now, and just like you said, the future will take care of itself.
Originally Posted By: lt0402
I think you're spot on about not trying to control things that you cannot. I'm finding stopping that is especially tough and I'm not quite there yet.
People are afraid of things they don't understand. When something is "out of control" (or out of OUR control), it's natural for us to see it as a threat to ourselves. This ability is something that no human is born with, and something we can never "unlearn," we just get to constantly hone our skills in adjusting ourselves when a threat presents itself.
lt, Thanks for stopping by! I am still working at detaching and you will see me slip up a lot. But the good thing about DBing is you can start over as many times as you need.
betterm, I am trying to remember to make myself theh locus of control and stop trying to focus on WH. I really need to step back and stop having expectations. Already I find myself calling him more often than I should to temp check. WH has responded by pulling back and becoming aloof again. Time to refocus on me and my GALing. This is a process and requires constant redirection of self.
SH, I thought of your advice today. I was feeling sad and found my thoughts wandering again to WH and the affair. Suddenly your words flashed in front of my eyes and I started exmaining why I was feeling that way. The last two nights I've only gotten 3 hours (broken sleep) because of a teething baby. I realized when I am sleep deprived all my emotions seem to be turned way up and out of proportion. So I let the pain pass through and then started thinking about other things. I have to say, it helped immensely. You are a wise man, SH, and your W is a fool not to realize your worth.
So I was busy with the evening routine tonight when WH called. He sounded down and stated he saw a trauma tonight that resulted in a death. Unfortunately this was a child and it shook WH up pretty bad. He asked me to take some pics of our kids tonight and text them to him. I obliged and he texted "Thank you." During the call he said he could not imagine losing our children and that it would destroy him. I agreed with him and said how blessed we were with 3 healthy and beautiful kids. I think a jolt like this was good for him. (but wish I could reverse the situation for the parents of the child) WH at one point seemed completely willing to give up me and the kids as long as he could get the OW. I told him on no uncertain terms I would seek full custody as his judgement was severely compromised during the affair. He was so unrecognizable to me I often wondered if he had a brain tumor or some other organic cause to his personality change.
Now after reading many other's stories of their spouses in affair it appears to be "normal" for an extreme change in personality while someone is in an affair. WH is still a bit foggy and I can see him pulling back sometimes, not to mention he has now rewritten our marital history that he was never "in love" with me. During the affair he would verbalize that he had thoughts of just walking away and never looking back, even leaving the kids. He could not have shocked me more if he said he wanted a sex change. As the fog has dissipated he has started recalling (or "forgetting") these comments differently. I wonder how much of it is conscious versus repression? Regardless I have stayed steady in my love for the children and tried to be their lighthouse. I want them to always know I am here and will never, ever abandon them. No one is worth destroying your children's future.
M 10yrs T 13yrs BD #1Oct 2015-PA between WAH and COW BD #2 April 2016-WH resumed PA, she broke it off Jan 2 2017 WH says he wants divorce April '17-Letting go 2018 D busted DD8, DS6, DS3
He was so unrecognizable to me I often wondered if he had a brain tumor or some other organic cause to his personality change.
Now after reading many other's stories of their spouses in affair it appears to be "normal" for an extreme change in personality while someone is in an affair. WH is still a bit foggy and I can see him pulling back sometimes, not to mention he has now rewritten our marital history that he was never "in love" with me. During the affair he would verbalize that he had thoughts of just walking away and never looking back, even leaving the kids. He could not have shocked me more if he said he wanted a sex change. As the fog has dissipated he has started recalling (or "forgetting") these comments differently. I wonder how much of it is conscious versus repression?
I'm so relieved that someone in the medical profession actually also had this thought. I have been worried about H's mental condition for some time.
But what I discovered, was a tendency that goes back decades before we met. I just didn't see it clearly before - and many of the facts I didn't even know.
It's still crazy to watch. It's like Alice in Wonderland.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I am glad that your H is slowly emerging from the fog.
You're a strong woman to have gone through so much while pregnant and with 2 kids.
The script that your H recited while in the fog is so similar to my x's script. He threatened to cut kid out of his life if I didn't grant him the D. But now he freaks out whenever he thinks that I am going to cut kid's access from him.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
colleen
Unfortunately this was a child and it shook WH up pretty bad. He asked me to take some pics of our kids tonight and text them to him. I obliged and he texted "Thank you." During the call he said he could not imagine losing our children and that it would destroy him. I agreed with him and said how blessed we were with 3 healthy and beautiful kids. I think a jolt like this was good for him. (but wish I could reverse the situation for the parents of the child) WH at one point seemed completely willing to give up me and the kids as long as he could get the OW. I told him on no uncertain terms I would seek full custody as his judgement was severely compromised during the affair. He was so unrecognizable to me I often wondered if he had a brain tumor or some other organic cause to his personality change.