AndrewP and Coconut, thank you for your comments too.
Im probably no where near your stage yet Coconut, if i ever get there. I have a hard time believing things will get better M wise to be honest but i have to give it my all atleast.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
If i was a lighthouse i would be emanating blood red luminescence.
2 weeks ago i was Zen, felt good, detached. Then came neediness and sadness. Now its anger, i want to howl at the moon and maim the villagers.
I was on a good trajectory and let myself get derailed by guessing this and that and mind reading and just reacting to everything.
I need to start back from square 1.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Sandhi, what do you think at this stage if i be more assertive, flirty, alpha male, pursue? past few weeks i've been trying to give her some space.
Would you know when to be assertive? Can you picture yourself being assertive? Do you know what you would do with her resistance or strong opposition?
Flirty? Certainly nothing sexual. Not knowing your style of flirting or exactly how you mean this, it's hard to say go for it. The time doesn't seem right to me, since she wants to leave you. Maybe you can explain more to me.
Pursue.........certainly not! Why would you?
Alpha male? Sure! If you can handle it. If you really understand how. Have you googled these subjects?
My suggestion is to focus on the things I previously listed. What makes me nervous is why you would insert the flirting and pursuing. Most W's like flirting, but not when she's deciding to stay or leave him. Timing is everything!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandhi, what do you think at this stage if i be more assertive, flirty, alpha male, pursue? past few weeks i've been trying to give her some space.
Would you know when to be assertive? Can you picture yourself being assertive? Do you know what you would do with her resistance or strong opposition?
Flirty? Certainly nothing sexual. Not knowing your style of flirting or exactly how you mean this, it's hard to say go for it. The time doesn't seem right to me, since she wants to leave you. Maybe you can explain more to me.
Pursue.........certainly not! Why would you?
Alpha male? Sure! If you can handle it. If you really understand how. Have you googled these subjects?
My suggestion is to focus on the things I previously listed. What makes me nervous is why you would insert the flirting and pursuing. Most W's like flirting, but not when she's deciding to stay or leave him. Timing is everything!
Hi Sandi. Kindof agreed. When i wrote this i was wondering how i should plan my way forward. After munching on it for 24hours im going to start from scratch except this time without the nice guy routine.
Not saying i wont be nice, just not going to go out my way to please or prove to her anything.
Im naturally and alpha male,if anything i take great pain to step it down a notch. Luckily as a kickboxing competitor and instructor i do get to flex that muscle often.
As for being flirty, its something i was good at over a decade ago (pre-M) though like you said timing may not be right now.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
One moment im okay then next im not. I think i have done well no to show it though.
This is why ladies and gents you GAL. Cause if you dont you'll go crazy.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Im good with boundaries but horrible at letting go.
I dont know if i can drop the rope with her still in the house. I still act all husbandy, I make coffee, dinner, pick up son Want to ask her about her day etc.
I care way to much.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
Letting go is not easy. Don't be too hard on yourself.
I am almost 1 year post D and I still find myself spiralling and swinging. The good news is that I dont swing or spiral so much and I know what to do when I find myself in the slumps.
I guess letting go is a process and a journey.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
Not saying i wont be nice, just not going to go out my way to please or prove to her anything.
The niceness isn't the problem, really. It is the NGS that is the problem. Maybe you can set a daily goal of not caving in to your need to have her approval.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Not saying i wont be nice, just not going to go out my way to please or prove to her anything.
The niceness isn't the problem, really. It is the NGS that is the problem. Maybe you can set a daily goal of not caving in to your need to have her approval.
I havent thought if it that way. Caving in to the need for her approval.
I can be nice and pleasant and down right hubby but its just cause thats how i want to approach my day. I want to be happy.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
She asked me if it was okay for her to go have a girls night out Sat. (She asks for permission so that a good thing right?). Told her i had plans to go out Sat night but i would watch son tonight so she could go spinning with her sisters.
Before i would watch son for both times. Planning to get some GAL in sat night. Couple of ladies from work want to bring me indoor rock climbing.
Me31 W31 M11yrs S6yrs 23Mar16-BD 9Apr16-W admitted EA w boss. 27Jun16-W Changed job and promised NC w OM. 14Jul16-Continued contact w OM.Start of Separation. 24May17-Divorced.
