My wife walked out 3

[RSG]

WW is leaning on me heavily about S and preschool. I try to validate her concerns, and believe I'm doing a pretty good job. "I realize this is difficult for you, I'll keep you apprised of everything." Instead of getting frustrated that I have to do so much for him, I'm happy to work together and do what's best for him.

I think it was smart to back off any talk about the future until the preschool stuff settles (and even then, not say anything until she's comfortable and has begun a talk). If I bring up anything while she's stressed, she'll throw darts and then run like a frightened deer. Plus, if I'm the one to break this rule, I'm probably all the way back at square one.

I think I may have found an IC. Evening and weekend appointments at an office near me! Yay! I need to call in and reserve a time today. I'm scared about telling a stranger my story, and likely breaking down here and there, but excited at the same time.

[sandi2]

I tell her to just admit it and that the W I know would find her behavior abhorrent. I tell her I won't Facetime, text about S's day, help with apartment hunting, work with her on money or be there when she's sad if she can't even admit this. This goes on for a while, and it finally ends with her saying "I'm not a cheater." I ask, you didn't leave S and I over and over to spend time with some loser? She says no. She's sorry she gave me an ugly answer. She's not ready to answer a "loaded question."

WTF??? So I call her, and she says she's working on herself and trying to take things a day at a time.

Wait.......what? You called her after she returned to her place from your place? Why are you chasing her, continuing this conversation, and trying to get her to admit something?

This is what I was talking about earlier. When the two of you have just been together talking, or had a phone conversation.....don't turn around and call her again. You were chasing her all over the place!

[cbtdad]

RSG,
You have got to stop giving in to her buddy. I know it is so hard. I know you want to use S as an excuse to be close to her or talk to her. I was there!! Son was 3 the first time around. You will never fully grow and she will never be able to see that life will truly be without you if you continue to chase.
I know you still get that warm feeling everytime her name pops up on your phone. Whether she is calling or texting.
Based on what you are sharing with us there are so many times you are discussing things with her that you don't need to.
Just talk about son and only son. Don't be rude or mean. She is going to get upset!! But this is for you. You need to do this.
You can do this!!

[RSG]

I just put in a boundary that we only talk about S until everything is kosher with preschool. I didn't get a chance to call potential IC, I was too busy at work. I really look forward to going, and spilling my guts lol.

I do get a little annoyed when she calls/texts so much, even when it's only about S. When you say she's going to get upset, do you mean angry or sad? I'm doing pretty well when S is gone (I don't really contact much), but when he's with me she contacts me constantly. How was nap, what're you guys doing, did you get him from your parents, what did he eat, I'm going to gym, do you think I'm thin, I had XYZ for lunch, etc.

I'm still just 50/50 or so on whether I want her back. First thought is yes, but then I second guess myself about stuff. I'm happy with my improvements, I just can't really do much when I have S because he requires tons of work. I'm exhausted today, gotta get to bed early!

[RSG]

CBT your old threads are wonderful for me.

A great idea on 180: Don't mention the A!
Anger as a sword to attack is very bad.
Continuing to repeat in my mind that W and I are, for all intents and purposes, D and if we get back together it'll be a brand new M.
Give HER time to change (and see if she makes the old her better, like my goal is)
My lack of trust in her could be keeping her from trusting that my changes are for me
Listen to the little man in my head that screams NO NO when I feel angry
When a R talk starts up, don't engage but validate or just say that we don't need to talk about it now.



S had a great day at preschool today. He was hugging other kids, listened to his teacher, had a good nap, and was sweet. This made my day!!

[RSG]

Well DBers, progress today. I took little guy into preschool, and he seemed at home. As I drove into work I thought about WW once. "Wonder why she hasn't called yet?" because it's turned into a habit. Then heard them talk about the All Star Game on the radio and I didn't think about her again until I got to work. As I got my stuff situated, clocked in got a drink, etc WW texted me 4 times and called once. She actually used my name for the first time since she left and said she was worried. Once I sat down I finally saw my phone, and told her he was fine and doing well. That when I asked "Are you ready for school?" He answered by saying ready for school and friends. That's huge for him. She said she was crying, but I just kept to the subject of S.

She wanted to talk a little bit longer, but I said I'm really busy and needed to get to work. (Half true.) She said thank you for talking and have a good day, I was working and didn't answer. Around noon she texts again asking about his day, but also mentions her day as well. I wait until I'm done with my work, and tell her he's doing well and is at lunch but don't comment on her day. (It was commentary on her day, not necessarily discussion.)

It's hard, trying NC Parenting Edition. I want to really reassure her about stuff because I know she's a worrier. This is more like the real Mommy I know. The past 6 months, she had become so blaise about things. Mommy when it's convenient and whatnot. I just know I need to keep it to S, and keep things to a low roar.

I can keep this up. The "good" thing is, for a while she'll have him on weekends and that's my tougher time re contact. I'm thinking about trying out the gym to get in better shape. Maybe start at one day a week? Anyway, I need to look into it. Left a message for an IC today, she should call me back by tomorrow AM.

[Ginger1]

Just curious, why does she ask you about his day throughout the day? Where are you getting your info about your S's day at preschool? Can she get that info from the source you are getting it from?

[MoveFrwd]

How was nap, what're you guys doing, did you get him from your parents, what did he eat, I'm going to gym, do you think I'm thin, I had XYZ for lunch, etc.

But you keep answering her texts right? What if you told her you were busy with S and youd give her a synopsis after he was asleep at night?

If you dont want to have small talk with her, then stop having small talk with her.

[MoveFrwd]

Just curious, why does she ask you about his day throughout the day? Where are you getting your info about your S's day at preschool? Can she get that info from the source you are getting it from?

Agree. Why do you know about his every move at preschool but she doesnt?

[RSG]

He's at a new preschool with his first day being this past Monday, and since 3mos old he's always been at her school. I watch the cameras that are in the room, and she's not really able to look at them this summer as she's in charge of a preschool camp and has little downtime.