Piecing my life and M back together

[mvgfwd2]

Be ready for the plea for one last message "for closure" or some other BS excuse. NC means NC. If she wants closure it is to be with you not them.

[EDF]

I came to an incredibly powerful realization last night. I was operating under the assumption that my W was now sane and out of the fog. She's not. Its too soon for me to have expected that. I realized that I am not happy with her thoughts and feeling and I feel the need to make her see the light; I need to make her see the truth; I need to make her see things clearly; I need to make her see things MY way. I realized that I am trying to control her. I realized that I stopped DB'ing. I'm no longer detached. I guess I subconsciously thought it was ok to become reattached since we are piecing but by allowing myself to do that, I've caused myself to become emotionally affected by her thoughts and feelings (which are right now still in crazy land).

Thanks for writing this LiM. My WW just sent a NC email a couple days ago. She says we're rebuilding now, but I don't trust it. I was aware she is not fully out of the fog yet, but I think I definitely had still switched back into trying to interpret her emotions and not being fully detached... was having expectations about how I wanted her to be acting and when reality wasn't lining up it was affecting me.

Also, just wanted to comment that my WW also has said something eerily similar about the affair ultimately being a good thing.

[LiM]

Georgia,

I've gone back and read your post 4 or 5 times now. Its speaking volumes to me. Thank you for taking the time to share. Its really helped me get my head screwed back on straight.

[sandi2]

I am so behind in your situation, and have skimmed over the pages in this thread. I also read GB's last two posts to you, and I agree with what he has said.

One thing I was going to mentioned, even before I read GB's last post, was how you have mentioned a few times about the WW "grieving" over the loss of the A/OM. She is not grieving. She is going through withdrawals.

I also agree about the social media and her contacting the W of the OM. It is her connection to getting as close to a "fix" of her drug as she can, at the moment. Sometimes, the betrayed H may forget that his WW was addicted, and it has to be dealt with just like a drug addiction. The slightest thing can trigger her craving to contact him.

My W sent a copy of that letter to a friend by text message and now I have seen it. This is what it said:

Now I ask you.......why would she send such a letter to a friend that would send it to you? Do not sympathize. Do not validate your WW's feelings that she "expressed" for OM in this letter.

I don't know what all your W agreed to, when you discussed reconciliation, but I am telling you that this contact with the W of OM is bad.......very bad. All contact with either of them must stop now.

Do not let the words in her letter tear you apart. WW's tend to be melodramatic, and she is still trying to get attention.......b/c he hurt her feelings.

I think you need to revise your stipulations to include no social media and no contact with OM and/or his W. Otherwise, this could continue for a very long time. Until she ends all contact, she's standing at square one. She cannot be buddies with his W.

[LiM]

Thank you, thank you for stopping by Sandi. I really needed your input.
I agree, its more withdrawal than grieving. But grieving is a word that I have read in a book.

Her friend didn't send me the text. I have an iPod with all my W's credentials so I can see all text messages, emails and FB posts. She knows I have it and she handed over her passwords. That's how I saw the text.

I'm stuck in an airport today but I intend to FIRMLY address the contact with OM's W when I get home. It stops now. Period. End of story.

She only got back on FB a couple of weeks ago. She has unfriended OM and his W and does not follow his training group. However, there are so many other people in her circle that are also friends with them that if she were to search for their names, photos and content with them would still come up. Should I be demanding that she close her account again?

[LiM]

Ooofffff.
I just logged onto my W's FB page (she willingly gave me her password). She has been back on FB for 7 days. OM's training group page is an open group so anyone can visit the page even if they are not a member of the group. In the past 7 days, she has searched for and visited his page on 5 of those days.
So it seems clear that all social media needs to go.

This makes me angry (remember, I KNOW I'm not detached). I knew she had visited OM's W's page because she told me she did. WHEN I confront her about this (visiting his page) she will just say that she was checking up on the other athletes that are her friends. But that is a lie. She can check on them by visiting their own pages.
What other things should I be thinking about or doing? I've been too easy on her. Its time to come down hard. Should I just give her a stern talking to? Should I tell her we are separating our finances? Should I kick her out of the MBR? Just chill out? Clearly, a big boundary has been crossed. While I didn't lay one down regarding his W, I absolutely did with OM.

[mvgfwd2]

Just my 2 cents

Do you still have the D papers laying around? Write down your boundaries and vision of the future together on a separate paper. These are things you need to remain married and heal from this mess. Put the D papers on one side of the table and your boundaries on the other. Ask her to pick which path she wants to take. Explain it's one or the other, no gray area. Save your words. The visual says a lot more. But only do this if you are prepared to go with the D. You might tell her you are going out for a little while and want an answer when you get back. Let her have time to digest your boundary/vision statement.

[Georgia Bulldogs]

Laying down boundaries with a foggy wayward wife may prove difficult the way it sounds like you intent to go about it.

Remember - boundaries just are. A fence is just there. The fence doesn't "lay down the boundary" it just wire and posts.

You are NOT controlling her. She's free to do as she pleases; however, if she intends or desires to remain in your company for much longer, she needs to respect your minimal but immovable boundaries. Or not - her choice.

Notice a key phrase - "for much longer"

That's important because it's not really an ultimatum ---- YET. You aren't painting yourself in a corner where if you don't file the divorce and leave her tomorrow you look like a manipulative fool. Instead you make it clear where this is heading if she continues to disrespect your boundaries.

Closure contact happens. The "addiction" is hard to walk away from while she's on a track for what seems like a reasonable thought pattern of "I need to finish this right and THEN I'll be done". She may violate this boundary once or twice more in the future. Doesn't mean you can't recover --- but every time she does is another shot at you and there comes a point where you may just be done.

The point is - you matter. It's not all about her and her feelings.

[Sotto]

Hi LiM, I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. What you post reminds me of the worst part of my sitch where XH was pretty much 'out' and I was desperately wanting him to be 'in' and trying to police and control things.

First thing I would say is that it isn't a good dynamic for you to be 'parent' in this situation and monitoring her activity on a frequent basis. I think the fact that you feel the need to do this means that you 'know' she isn't all in right now.

Rather than pushing for her to be 'all in' I think it is better to accept that she is where she is right now and adjust your behaviour. So, rather than trying to 'get' her to do something different (ie: stop looking at his stuff on FB) - do something different yourself based on what you know.

For example - does it work for you to be sharing a marital BR with someone who is still thinking about 'what might have been?' If it doesn't, it's an option for you to say - hey, I know you are still tracking him online - this isn't working for me and so I'm going to do X.

I still think you have a perspective of 'how can I get her to...' And that is a cheeseless tunnel for sure. It does sound as though she is in a place of 'what if' and that means she isn't all in right now. You know that already. This may change, we just don't know - but right now she isn't there. Given that, what works for you right now?

I hope this helps. I'm always conscious that my sitch did end in D, despite my best DBing efforts, but I hope there may be something in here for you. :)x

[sandi2]

In some of your long discussions about these issues with your W, has it been explained how the A/OM is an addiction? Social media seems to be an addiction for many people. If so, what was her reaction?

Being informed of how affairs are an addiction (PEAS), helped me to understand how my need to contact OM was not out of love, but craving what the contact could do for me. However, I may have been further down the road, than your W is presently, IDK. If she believes her affair is the love story of the century, she's not going to be receptive to this information. I just wondered if it had been discussed at any point.

Whether she's receptive to how affairs are an addiction, is not the main issue here.. She doesn't have to like it. In fact, she'll probably protest, but she needs to amputate every source that has any connection to the OM and his W. She will probably try to negotiate, especially about social media.

Did she ever agree to do whatever it took to save the M?