Just working the process, but wondering when......

[cbtdad]

Just got back this morning from Universal in Orlando. Back at work already.
Nothing big to report or anything.
The trip went really well all together. Had a few moments when I tried to 180 compared to things I use to do on trips. I really enjoyed the time with my S the most. the smile on his face at all these rides were great.
They are leaving to go visit MIL for 6 days tomorrow so it will just be me for that time. I am looking forward to it
I plan on getting some things dome around the house and going to hang out with some friends

[cbtdad]

I just had a little setback with the W
Her and son are out of town visiting ML. She called to tell me a story about taking her mom to a jewelry store because her mom wanted a new watch. She proceeds to tell me that she complimented her mom on how much she likes the watch so her mom bought her one. We are talking about a 10k watch. I basically was kind of jerk about it. I said, "that must be nice, maybe that could have gone to help with S dentist or something else. Considering I just spent 3k for us to go to Universal for 3 days and didn't even get a thank you. Bye"
I called her back a minute after I hung up on her and apologized for handling it the way that I did. I told her my frustration that I feel like I bust my a$$ to make a good living and do things, but I don't get appreciated and taking for granted.
W comes from a very well to do family. Money doesn't mean much to her. She has never wanted for anything.
I could tell she was still upset.
I ended up texting her:


cbtdad: I feel like we are so off on communication right now. I am burying some feelings which isn't good for me. I'm happy your mom bought you a nice a gift and I know that means a lot to you. Didn't mean to come off as a jerk and know I could have handled it better

W: Yes well I'm kinda blindsided by all of this bc I thought it was all good but thanks

cbtdad: It is fine. I like progress we are making. This is not something that needs to ne discussed right now and can wait to MC. I just wanted you to know that my reaction wasn't about the gift and that I understand its special coming from your mom right now

W: I felt like it was just a thank you from her. And wanted to share that with you

cbtdad: I understand that and that's why I'm apologizing. I'm happy you are able to share those things with me. That's why I called back right away and apologized because I didn't like how I handled that


I am just going to wait to MC and bring up the things that are building up
I've come to realize that "words of appreciation" is my second LL
PT being first
So when I feel like I am not getting either one then my love tank becomes empty and I start getting an attitude
Although I will say the PT is picking up and she is comfortable being naked in front of me again

[RSG]

Obviously, being able to ride horses the woman has never had to worry about money! That stuff is outrageously expensive. But I think you handled that well. Not letting it fester seems like it was important

I'm pretty sure that my W LL is Acts of Service, but if she had a 2nd one I think it would be Words of Appreciation.

It's good your W is sharing fairly mundane things with you, that's a great sign of opening up. Of course, a 10k watch isn't THAT mundane lol. The increased PT and her choosing to be vulnerable by showing you her body is a definite positive.

Hope MC goes well!

[cbtdad]

So my wife told me she is going to write her mom a check for 1500 dollars
Well I know that gonna come out of my main account.
I told her I wasn't on board with that because of principle.
She said she knows her mom doesn't need the money but it's principle.
Her mom loaned us 1500 dollars in 2010
But in 2011 she "sued" us because she slipped at our house and fell and didn't have health insurance at the time. She lost, but it still caused my insurance premiums to go up. I told my wife that she also just bought her a 10k watch and now I'm supposed to write a 1500 dollar check.
Her response was "whatever"

I sent her the following text:
"I'm sorry we disagree on this and everytime that happens you just say "whatever"
I'm not stressed about money. I'm stress about paying for everything like we are married couple but not really living in a marriage
I asked you to drop this over 3 times but you continue to come at me
I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way you do"

She didn't respond
I can tell and feel that I am getting frustrated.
I'm getting impatient, but I am sick of paying for everything in this "relationship"
Good thing I have DB coaching appointment in 15 minutes
I need it

[uRworthy]

Ok, my friend. You know I tells it like it is...so....

You need to get a handle on all the stuff thats building up inside you cuz it is starting to bubble over.

People like you and I dont get the whole here's a $10,000 watch because you like it kind of a thing. People like your wife...do. Neither of us is right or wrong in how we feel. It all has to do with perspective, right?

You feel as you do. They are your feelings and so they are valid to you. But...you need to start counting to 20 or something before you react to things. And you can say to her, I am going to call you right back, ok?

I can feel your frustration alllllll the way over here. So I can only imagine how she feels it.

I understand it some, too. But if your goal is a restored marriage, you need to change your outlook on some things. You need to pick your battles and what is really, really important.

Im thinking that the look on your son's face, some family time and making memories is a huge thank you, no?

This is what I have learned. I cant rely on someone else to make me validate and worthy. That has to come from deep inside me. That isnt to say that we shouldnt, in a relationship, let the other person know that we value and honor them. To me, it's having the expectations of when and where according to what I want, that causes problems.

Be loving, C. Be the man you want to be every single day. For you. Some days you will make it, some you wont. But that should always be the goal.

It's all the little things added up that matters. The small progress every day, the little changes that matter. That and who you are.

She has to figure herself out. You have to let her. Your job...is to work on you and take care of yourself and your son. That's all you have control of. THe rest....aint in your power.

Now, dont make me have to go all Brooklyn on you...ya hear?

[uRworthy]

I cant rely on someone else to make me validate and worthy.

Oops...should read..."I cant rely on someone else to make me feel validated and worthy."

[cbtdad]

Lol uRworthy I knew what you meant.
I should've my be doing things and then expecting a certain outcome that I'm gonna get. You are right. The enjoyment of the time I had with son was awesome. I even enjoyed the time with W. I think that's were I started to build up again because when we got home it was back to current "reality"
I still have flare ups like I did. But it's getting better and I need to remind myself that this is a process.
I'm taking the long road for a lasting marriage
Maybe it works maybe it doesn't
The reason that I haven't taken Accurays advice on moving out is because i believe that it would be a quick fix. It would change the underlying issues
I could be wrong, but my DB coach and IC agree with that
I think if I moved out and cut communication she would come running to me
But in the end that wouldn't solve all the problems
I need to work on me . Hopefully that pays off and then W works on herself when she sees the changes
Ever since that text I sent earlier she has been texting me all day
She actually sent a link on Facebook to me with he title "Turns out 'Happy wife equals happy life' is pretty dead on"
It was good a read
Glad she sent it
I know I need to just continue my journey and progress

[RSG]

How has your weekend been my friend?

[cbtdad]

Been really good
Funny. I was just thinking about you and your situation and was going to post this evening. I've been following just no posting this weekend
I'm driving
Will post when I get home

[cbtdad]

Its been a great few days to myself. I've done some reading. I'm rereading DR because I feel like it just sharpens my tools. I've had a great few days at work. Going to cook a nice ribeye for myself tonight. W doesn't come back till Tuesday so I've still got a couple days to myself.
It's been interesting why she has been gone. She is texting me constantly. She has even called a few times. She normally doesn't like to talk on the phone. She sent me a link on FB about Happy Wife happy Life. She made plans for us to go stay with her dad for a few days together next weekend.
One thing that was interesting was she text me today and said she had some gossip to tell me and that she wasn't sure if she wanted to share or not. She then called me to tell me.
She went to brunch with some old friends, all who in the "horse world"
During brunch it came up that her former best friend(the one that was constantly pushing D the first time around) slept with OM that my W was seeing when we were separated 3 and half years ago. This happened last year they told her, so it wasn't at the same time she was seeing him. They haven't spoke since we reconciled, but she just thought it was really funny.
Two things that really stick out to me during this phone call.
The first was that it didn't bother me at all hearing about this or her mentioning his name. I guess enough time has passed, but its weird it just doesn't get me upset like it use to.
Number two was really good to hear. And that was her telling me that she could have just kept on gossiping about it and all that stuff, but that it just doesn't seem healthy for her. This was big to hear. This is something that I've hoped for a while

Anyways, things seem to be really well. I had a great DB coach session on Friday afternoon. She said it seems like that I have made a lot of progress in the last month and that she was proud of me recognizing the things I need to do personally to become a better man and father. We talked about how that is for me and not for my wife. That's a big deal to me.
I almost feel like I have my best friend back in many ways.
That's when things are good with me and W. When there is a close friendship. So it's a good start, but this is a long journey