Lost at the moment (2)

[AndrewP]

It's a very unusual situation compared to what I've read about from the others on the board.

That is rather unusual. I know that it's hard for us as LBH to see through our own fog but it almost sounds like she's bored and having a fling more than a full-fledged A. Has she been open to seeing an IC or going with you to MC?

On the other hand I denied to myself for a very long time that it was serious between my WW and OM since I couldn't imagine it and she had originally told me that she was "uncertain". Man-o-man was I ever wrong.

If you want to look at it cynically, she's definitely protecting her Plan B and the source of cake for her eating pleasure.

[lfm]

She has said that she is open to MC, but based on her involvement with the OM, I have held off on that because I feel it would be a waste of time until she can fully commit to figuring us out. I haven't spoken to her about IC, but may try to bring that up as it's something I may look at for myself as well.

All along I've recognized I'm her plan B, but after her comments on Friday, I feel like i've pulled away more than I have previously. Funny how you feel like you have dropped the rope and pulled away, but then something else happens and changes your perspective to show that you haven't done as well as you thought you had.

I think she's softened a bit from our conversation on Friday, but honestly haven't interacted with her enough to really know one way or the other.

[Zephyr]

lfm, your instincts are spot on about Mc right now, unless she is ready to commit to your marriage without someone else in the way, Mc will most likely be a waste of time.

also, good insight on the letting go. you are very apt with the concept that you haven't truly let go...one clue will be that you are still very worried about letting go

yes you are right. it may have been anotherstander who mentioned to me some time ago, about how you think you've dropped it, weeks go by and there you are with the rope still hidden behind your back. letting go is not easy, it is not easy at all.

give yourself time, give yourself compassion for what you are going through. make a point to do something just for you, a reward (for lack of more clever expression right now) for all your efforts, take a few moments to yourself.

have a great week!

[lfm]

Thanks Zephyr,

For me right now, my reward is getting back into running. I ran cross country and track in high school and for a time in college and stopped before I graduated college. It is a great way to get away from my WW and the kids and just have time to myself, think about things, relieve some frustration and stress, and decompress from the situation. It also feels good to come home, see my wife and say I'm going for a run before I eat dinner, be back after a bit.

The physical benefits don't hurt either. I've already had to buy some new clothes becuase of weight loss, and now have to look at buying some more because the new clothes are already loose.

Hope everyone has a Happy Tuesday!

[Zephyr]

proud of you on your fitness, and weight loss! some new clothes don't hurt either. great job!

[lfm]

Haven't posted anything for a couple of days. I've been working on detaching as much as possible from my WW while in the apartment. I've been stepping up my workouts this week, getting out to do that more than I have in the past, leaving my W at the apartment.

I'm sitting away from her when in the living are of the apartment, and just engaging in small talk. Although I did make a comment on Tuesday night after one of the cats started clawing the furniture, that I'll be glad to have nice furniture that won't get destroyed when we have our own places. She responded with "what are you talking about?". Like she doesn't know...

I saide when we're divorced and have our own places. She spent the rest of the night in a pissy mood and left the apartment for about half an hour. She's definitely still trying to cake eat, and I'm trying to show her through my actions that I'm prepared to move on. I think she's starting to see that there's a good chance she ends up completely alone in this as the longer this goes on, the more prepared I feel to completely walk away.

Anyway, hope everyone is having a great Thursday!

[lfm]

Trying not to mind read here, but know that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm going to type this out as more venting than anything. With that in mind, thanks for allowing me to do so here.

My W texted this morning if she could bring my three youngest for lunch today, which I happily accepted. It was a good lunch, lots of laughter, everyone being social, good eye contact between my wife and I as we were talking, so overall a good lunch. I walked them out to my W's car afterwords which I usually do. My wife in the past has given me a hug before getting in the car, but did not today, just said thanks and turned away. Can't possibly know why the change, but definitely hurts a bit.

On the flip side, my wife still wears her wedding ring, and seems to have really restricted her contact with the OM. She's not carrying her phone everywhere anymore and has been leaving it on her docking station in the evenings, but still guards it by taking it with her if she is walking outside or going into the bathroom to take a shower (I think to make sure I'm not trying to access it).

Anyway, just my venting for today. I'm not going to say anything or ask anything about it, still just trying to keep my distance at home, to be happy and confident and to be there for my kids if needed. Thanks for reading and Happy Friday!

[Zephyr]

I am glad you can see mind reading.

yes cent here, react on paper. then get yourself back to a happy place

as for the post from yesterday, I missed it. sorry. ya if you keep engaging in that sort of conversation, it will get you nowhere. actions not words. otherwise it is effectively you trying to get a reaction out of her. it typically does not get the reaction you really want.

sorry so brief. have to get going.

hope you have a good weekend.

[betterm]

I haven't spoken to her about IC, but may try to bring that up as it's something I may look at for myself as well.

I'm not the pro, but IMHO, an IC can only help people with things they really want help with. Can't know for sure what goes on in my W's IC sessions, but I can almost guarantee she has not fully, and truthfully, opened up to her IC about her actions of an EA, OM, etc. A WW would probably steer the IC session in a way that makes her feel like her actions are valid and she's not doing anything wrong. an IC can't predict, or know, the entire story until the storyteller actually gives in to really wanting to get down to the root cause of things... and in most cases, they don't.

[lfm]

Zephyr - thanks for your reply. I'm recognizing as well that I do sometimes say things just to get a reaction out of her, and trying to avoid that if at all possible going forward.

Thanks betterm, appreciate the insight on IC. I know it's something she'd have to want in order for her to get anything beneficial out of it, so I may just let that slide.

I've actually been feeling in a decent spot the last couple of days. We've been laughing around each other and no relationship talk at all. The only talk about the future has been around moving into the house. Down to a little over a week to go. I think this is how it will continue until then and we'll see what happens when we get there.

Today my W is heading about an hour away to visit a college roommate today, so good opportunity to spend some time with my 3 youngest daughters, and my oldest daughter should be around tonight. Overall hoping to have a good day full of GAL activities with my kids.

Hope everyone has a happy Saturday!