Piecing my life and M back together

[PsySara]

How small is your area? Can you wife simply not go? Is it a sacrifice? Yes, but marriage really should be the #1 priority.

[LiM]

Wow, that's some hard truths Georgia.

I'm not going to move and its not really feasible for me to move. I run a company that I founded and it simply wouldn't work for me to move.
We do live in a very large metropolitan area with millions of people. Its possible that I'm making a bigger deal out of "running into each other" than is realistic. OM has his own training group. He is a coach and he trains athletes. He trains out of his home. My W is very good friends with many of those other athletes that have nothing to do with her A. But she was a BIG part of that group while she was there. Even though she is no longer there and is training elsewhere, there will still be times that we run into them either in person or even online (and she will continue to run into those athletes that still train there). For instance, the main reason my W decided to get back on FB was so that she could order some training gear through BIG CITY Triathlon Club (where "big city" is the name of our town). For some reason, you have to order that stuff through FB. So she gets on FB and low and behold, OM is posting on that group that he actually has nothing to do with.
I can't take away my W's ability to do something she gets so much enjoyment from. Its important for her and its important for me that she find a way to continue to do that. I guess the reality is that there will always be the possibility that we can run into them and we'll just have to deal with that when it happens.

My W doesn't know (but she suspects) that I know she contacted OM's W the other day (and broke the boundary that my W set about OM's W not contacting us anymore). But I will confront her about it. I will tell her in no uncertain terms that it is unacceptable for her to do that.

I know my W is grieving the loss of the A. I understand that is normal but its deplorable to me. It breaks my heart to know that she gave her heart to someone else; to know that she loved someone else. I guess that's my burden to bear.

[EDF]

One minor point: Regarding FB, perhaps you could offer to order anything for her that absolutely has to go through a FB page (so she can disconnect again)?

[mvgfwd2]

Why do you keep telling her your boundaries after she repeatedly disrespects them? That seems like a waste of your energy. If it's a real boundary for you then enforce it with an action. More talking will do nothing, and you should know that by now. Remember it hasn't been that long since your inaction enforcing boundaries caused the A to escalate. Your W doesn't respect your words, maybe she never has. So you have a choice to make. Enforce the boundary or shut up and let it go.

[LiM]

I knew I would be hearing from mvgfwd2

To be clear, nothing I did or didn't do resulted in the A escalating. When I discovered the A, I kicked her out of the house. When I discovered it was still going on 3 months later, I filed for D. I laid down a very firm boundary in regards to the A and did not allow it to be crossed. It was only after the A had ended and she was able to show true remorse that I allowed her back.

And honestly, I've actually never laid down a firm boundary with regards to my W contacting OM's W. She certainly knows how I feel about it but I never told her to stop doing it because I wanted her to choose to do it of her own accord. My feeling is that every time my W chooses to do the right thing on her own, the healing will be will be truer for the the both of us. But since she has shown that she can't do this of her own accord, I will now need to make it a firm boundary that comes with consequences if it is broken.


I believe, maybe naively, that my W is just trying to find a way to have closure and at the same time try to continue to make amends to OM's W for what my W did to her. She admitted to me that the reason she didn't unfriend OM's W on FB was because she didn't want to hurt her feelings. What she doesn't understand is that by NOT unfriending her, she's actually continuing to hurt her. Of course, OM's W could choose to unfriend my W and she hasn't done that either. So both of them are getting something out of this continued contact but I know its not good for anyone. I'll have to man up and put a stop to it.

[LiM]

I'm going to share something that probably doesn't get shared much around here. I'm really hoping that Sandi2 will see this and pop in to give me some support and encouragement. I do understand that it is normal for a WW to grieve the end of the A even if they are truly remorseful. This is so hard to know.
A couple of weeks ago, my W told me that she felt the need to meet and confront the other couple about the hurtful text messages they sent to my W a couple of months ago. Realizing that wasn't a good idea, she decided to write a letter expressing herself and then put it away (and not send it). My W sent a copy of that letter to a friend by text message and now I have seen it. This is what it said:

The realization of what I was to you - what you told me in that text - is devastating to me. I guess I have been in denial long enough haven't I? I feel so sick. How could I give in like that? How could I have fallen so hard and felt so strong emotion for a lie?
I didn't lie to you about my feelings, my heart or my soul. I didn't use you as an experiment. I won't twist my truth and lie to save anyone else's feelings. You can't include me in that statement from your test that stated NOTHING was real. For me, it was real. You can't decide for the both of us.
I know walking away was the right thing for us. We wondered why this was happening and we now know it was to eventually strengthen our marriages.
The truth for me is the same as it has always been. Even in my pain, devastation, anger, tears, depression, loneliness and selfishness, it is the same. Even with your pain, fear and cowardly ways, it is the same.
YOU ARE A LIGHT AND A BLESSING.......My life is better because you were part of it.

Ouch. How do I live with that? It absolutely insane that she sees HIM as a blessing. She's completely missing that it is ME that is the blessing; that I fought for our M when she wouldn't.

I really hope Sandi see's this or that someone will point her to it. I don't know if its possible to PM someone on the forum.

[Coconut]

Lim, I don't even know what to say, keep in mind that your W didn't intend on you seeing that.. It's almost written artistically, like she was trying to be poetic, wiritting a love tragedy...

As I type this I'm trying to think what I would write "poetically" about an ex girlfriend, someone who was an Important part of my life, even though I wouldn't want to be with them now.. I think it would use a lot of those phrases.

I know it's got to be incredibly hard to read something like that, and I definitely think it's something you need to share with your W that you've seen and get her to express her feelings on what she wrote.. I wouldn't make it the end all, but I am concerned that she is focused on the wrong R, she should be thinking of all your good qualities, the impact you've had on her life, and writing about that. We all have feelings and memories of exes, but we don't bring those to the forefront, we don't write those feelings down when we are building a R, that is a concern.

She may still be grieving the loss of the A, that maybe something for her to explore in IC... I definitely think going back to NC, no Facebook, leave an event if he is there, etc. is warranted.

[mvgfwd2]

Why would she write that? IMO to get a positive reaction from OM to validate her feeling that the A was real and a good thing for both of them even though it ended. Especially since OM ended it and not her. She would have continued it if it was possible (and may still harbor thoughts of reviving it).

[Georgia Bulldogs]

I'm going to share something that probably doesn't get shared much around here. I'm really hoping that Sandi2 will see this and pop in to give me some support and encouragement. I do understand that it is normal for a WW to grieve the end of the A even if they are truly remorseful. This is so hard to know.
A couple of weeks ago, my W told me that she felt the need to meet and confront the other couple about the hurtful text messages they sent to my W a couple of months ago. Realizing that wasn't a good idea, she decided to write a letter expressing herself and then put it away (and not send it). My W sent a copy of that letter to a friend by text message and now I have seen it. This is what it said:

The realization of what I was to you - what you told me in that text - is devastating to me. I guess I have been in denial long enough haven't I? I feel so sick. How could I give in like that? How could I have fallen so hard and felt so strong emotion for a lie?
I didn't lie to you about my feelings, my heart or my soul. I didn't use you as an experiment. I won't twist my truth and lie to save anyone else's feelings. You can't include me in that statement from your test that stated NOTHING was real. For me, it was real. You can't decide for the both of us.
I know walking away was the right thing for us. We wondered why this was happening and we now know it was to eventually strengthen our marriages.
The truth for me is the same as it has always been. Even in my pain, devastation, anger, tears, depression, loneliness and selfishness, it is the same. Even with your pain, fear and cowardly ways, it is the same.
YOU ARE A LIGHT AND A BLESSING.......My life is better because you were part of it.

Ouch. How do I live with that? It absolutely insane that she sees HIM as a blessing. She's completely missing that it is ME that is the blessing; that I fought for our M when she wouldn't.

I really hope Sandi see's this or that someone will point her to it. I don't know if its possible to PM someone on the forum.

After I exposed my wife and OM in my situation, OM turned around and immediately dumped my wife and acted like it meant nothing to him too. He did that mostly to end it. He kind of felt bad about the whole thing from the get go and it was my wife driving the whole thing. In order to push her away and get her to stop he had to lay it out there like the OM in your situation and it, too, drove my wife crazy.

....I just read her text to my wife and my wife said: "I pray she never sends that text to OM because she'll forever regret it. The OM treated her like a ______ and then called her one. Has she no pride whatsoever?".

Your wife is in withdrawal. She wants and needs to confirm it was real. It wasn't. She won't realize that fully for a long time. That being said, she THINKS her feelings were real and she's desperately trying to hold on to the memories and place substantial value on the experience. Her text is consistent with the thoughts and feelings of many recent wayward wives - who poetically was nostalgia.

As much as it bothers you - if and when you recover - she'll not remember writing it or feeling that way. It will embarrass her. I know it's hurtful to read but your wife is out of her mind right now in withdrawal. The pain of loss makes them say, think, feel the craziest things. You can choose to be mad and upset about it but that really doesn't help a crazy person become sane. I suggest you choose to remain strong and be the lighthouse for her out of such crazy thinking.

BTW - contact feeds and prolongs crazy - which is why MWD says "no contact means no contact" as step one.

Another thing. I was thinking about your situation a little bit today and considered that maybe it would be prudent for you to also ask/tell the OM's wife to kindly butt out of your marriage. Her continued contact with your wife is contributing to your wife being in crazy town and saying/drafting hurtful texts.

[LiM]

Thanks mvg and Georgia,

I came to an incredibly powerful realization last night. I was operating under the assumption that my W was now sane and out of the fog. She's not. Its too soon for me to have expected that. I realized that I am not happy with her thoughts and feeling and I feel the need to make her see the light; I need to make her see the truth; I need to make her see things clearly; I need to make her see things MY way. I realized that I am trying to control her. I realized that I stopped DB'ing. I'm no longer detached. I guess I subconsciously thought it was ok to become reattached since we are piecing but by allowing myself to do that, I've caused myself to become emotionally affected by her thoughts and feelings (which are right now still in crazy land).
And from a faith point of view, I had also begun to try and do God's work. I can't fix my W. I'm not qualified; I don't have the tools. But I realize that I took her back from God so that I could fix her. Its time to hand her back over. I still have plenty of my own issue to work on. Detach, 180 and GAL like I've told to so many other posters.

Georgia, thank you for sharing that text with your W and providing her feedback. I can see a future where my W will look back on all of this and be more ashamed than she is even now. I think she will regret ever writing those words and will wonder what kind of F'd up place she was in to ever think those words held even the slightest hint of truth. My FEAR is that she will for the rest of her life hold on to the A and be thankful that it happened; that she will continue to look at as a blessing. She's basically told me she feels "we had to go through this in order to make our M better" and that is absolute crap. Marriages don't have to go through A's to get better. How could I possibly spend the rest of my life with a woman that truly believes that? I guess I just have to keep telling myself that those are the words of a crazy person and if we continue to do the work we are doing that she will eventually stop being crazy. I know Sandi said it took her 2 years to fully accept and understand what she did in her R.

This afternoon, I will finally lay down a firm NC boundary. This will include not only OM but also his W. My W knows how I feel about contacting his W but I've never actually told her to stop. Today I will and I will make it VERY clear. NC means NC. I will detach and continue to work on ME. I've realized that we probably lament and cry over the A almost EVERY SINGLE DAY. I'm going to stop talking about it. We need a break from it.
Then I'll make sure we are practicing Ephesians 5 in our M. I am to love my W unconditionally; my W is to respect me unconditionally. I am to love unconditionally, even when I don't feel respected.