Focus on Me and my Boys 5

[Rose888]

Ah. I guess maybe there is method to the madness.

The current situation sounds very hard on all of you. I understand why the psychologist is recommending only swapping kids at school holidays.

Hang in there. Things should get easier after the D is finalized.

[sandi2]

Do I offer a different custody arrangement?
What other boundaries can I set?

Why would you go through everything you have...and then offer her a different custody arrangement? I'm not understanding your thinking behind this action, except maybe, you are trying to do something to soften her angry feelings toward you.

If it were me, I would set a deadline for the phone calls to the kids. Say, no more calls after 7:30 pm b/c it upsets the little ones to talk to her right before bedtime. And, you should abide by it, when the kids are with her.

I would hold her feet to the fire about sticking to the scheduled days to have the kids. B/c I think once you move up there, she will want to "use" your availability for her advantage. You are a good father, and not keeping the kids when she has other plans does not make you a bad parent. If you ever start keeping the kids on her scheduled days........I think she will have you tied down every night and especially weekends. If it were me, I would nip it in the bud the first time she wants you to keep them "for just a little while". I would tell her that I prefer to stick by the court's schedule.......at least for a while. The boys will never know where they are going on what day, so a schedule seems necessary, IMHO. Besides, what did she do before you moved and she needed a sitter? Right? I see so many fathers on this forum say that never pass up an opportunity to keep their kids.....and then go into how much they love them. That is not the point here. Everyone knows you love those kids, and you don't have to prove it. You do need to prove to your SBXW that you are not available to keep the boys when it's on her scheduled time. You have made plans, and no, she doesn't get to know any details. You did not move up there to be her babysitter.

I hope you will go up there with the determination that you aren't moving to Canada to be available for Her Highness. Each of you should be responsible for getting someone to keep the kids if you need to do something. That is what divorce is. You and SBXW may want to be first choice to keep the kids for the other one.........but I would discourage it for a while, until she sees she can't "dump" on you. Then hopefully, if her anger gets under control and she begins showing some respect to you, the two of you can agree to consider the other parent as first choice to "babysit". Excuse me for using that term, and it is not to offend you or the children. It is to describe her attitude about you providing her the convenience to date and play while you can take care of her 6 little packages that spell "responsibility". Don't rescue her.

I can see in your writings that you still love her, or rather the girl you M. I can't help but believe you are subconsciously looking at this move to Toronto as your second chance to reconcile the M. It may come about some day, but your W needs to make some serious changes before you take her back.

I think she needs to see that you are not going to treat her like a royal princess. She needs to see that she cannot boss you around, and can't take advantage of your kindness and willingness to be cooperative. These three things are very important in your situation. If there is a chance for a happy future with her, she must respect you as a man. If she can work you like a puppet........she won't respect you, and her desire for you to be her H and lover will not return. Do you believe what I am saying, Jim?

[J5K]

Sandi,

Thank you for your feedback. What you posted was what I have been thinking.

Assuming I have custody most of the year, I was going to move and continue the same arrangement. I plan on consulting an L in Ontario also to see if I can file the arrangement in their courts also to protect myself and the boys before I move because jurisdiction will then be in Ontario. I would present the arrangement to her to sign. If she does not then I guess things will stay status quo and I will continue to live in Michigan.

I agree she needs to come back to the family, not the other way around.

Since she has her family there, I don't think that STBXW will use me as first choice so she can go do things. I am in total agreement with you that she will have to find another resource (MIL, SIL, FIL) to watch the boys on her time if she wants to GAL.

I agree that she needs to respect me, at the very least as a person, which she does not at this time. Maaaayyyybeee she will when I move there and that is a big MAYBE!

Yes, I still love her, hate her behavior though, yes, I still have a little hope that we may remarry. I can't hold on to that forever. I owe it to my boys though to show them that I tried. If there is little or no progress in 2 or 3 years, then I can always come back home.

She used to say that she had to schedule everything and that I did nothing but work, well let's see if she will see a confident man who takes care of 5 boys and schedules all their activities.

If this doesn't make me attractive to her, then it will to someone else.

[sandi2]

She used to say that she had to schedule everything and that I did nothing but work,

Such an asinine statement from a SAHM!

[betterm]

I laughed a bit as I read this. I get it, stay where I am.

Hey Jim, who said you need to stay where you are? that wasn't my point, but I'm just trying to get you thinking about things in a different way. like sandi2 said in her post (next page), it seems like you're still trying to think about this in ways that will soften your WW's attitude towards you. remember the rules on convincing/controlling/etc... you can't change her no matter how awesome your actions are. it's okay to consider other things, but always bring it back to YOU. may sound selfish, but it's all you have control of, why waste your energies on "cheeseless tunnels" as people around here like to say.

[betterm]

She used to say that she had to schedule everything and that I did nothing but work,

Such an asinine statement from a SAHM!

My WW was a SAHM, with no children, and complained about having to do things around the house, wanted to hire a maid... wtf is wrong with these people.

[J5K]

Not much to update.

STBX has not called since we did the exchange on Monday.
Boys did not even ask me to call their mom.

[Painter]

I don't think you can get a custody agreement in place based on what is best for the kids with parents living so far apart, and then move to Canada and expect the custody agreement to hold up. Moving to her city would likely be a 'material change of circumstances' that at least in a US court in itself would give her the opportunity to file for a change. It sounds like Canada is even more mother-friendly than the US?

You should probably discuss this with your L because I think it's a catch 22 idea.

I think it's a good idea to file any agreement you have in the US, in Canada, if possible, so it's upheld and respected in both countries.

And strategically, take the children as much as you can to begin with. If WW leaves the children with you more than the agreement states, so you have them more overnights than it says you're supposed to, you could potentially ask to get it changed to reflect reality after about 6 months of a consistent pattern. Another thing to beware of and discuss with your L (in case the laws are different in your area).

I understand your quandry. I'm also an ahead-of-myself person with lots of scenarios going and being evaluated at all times.

[sandi2]

My WW was a SAHM, with no children, and complained about having to do things around the house, wanted to hire a maid... wtf is wrong with these people.

I don't know if they become so self centered, or always had a selfish streak. I doubt many of these SAHM's have any idea what it's like to work long hours on a job every day and then go home to work on house chores. I think it can be a seed that grows and intertwines with her other resentments and bad attitude toward her H, and in the end she is wayward b/c her self centered mental attitude affects her feelings for her H. Funny how these women, when giving their laundry list of complaints on bomb day, say he didn't help her enough with the house. Garbage! If she would authenticly divorce her H simply b/c he wouldn't help around the house........ she must have an element lacking in her person, and doesn't empathize with the one she claimed to have loved. (Considering there are no extending circumstances). It is widly used for an excuse, and the real reason comes into view later.

IMHO, I think it is a signal that something is out of wack for this woman. If her H is providing a good living for eight people.......working extra hours or whatever it takes to give them a good life.......then her job should be taking care of the home. That is real team work in taking care of the daily needs of their family. That is more equality, than him killing himself on the job and going home to do half of her work, too. If the genders were reversed and she was the one working those long hours and he was a SAHD, I bet she would not put up with him whining that she doesn't do her share of housework, or doesn't schedule things.

[J5K]

Painter,

I completely agree with your statements. It is a risky move even after the D. This is why I will have to wait until she actually feels a loss and makes some child support payments.

Precedence needs to be set that she is no longer a SAHM.
I plan on contacting an L in Ontario also to ensure that I can file something with the courts there also.

If it changes to 50/50 and we both live in Canada, I feel she will have her ultimate cake eating experience, whether she works or not.