My wife walked out 3

[RSG]

Sandi thanks for chiming in!

I did see DBag's name. I think she's playing the semantics game really. The other day, she brought me her emissions form and said the guy was hitting on her. "You don't want me, I'm a mess in my emotions" as if she's Miss Single Woman. I may show jealousy, but it's more that it is something connected with my S than anything (first his iPad, then his school artwork, then his preschool). Her parents took him to a trailer park before w/o my knowledge and it pissed me off. My S should be a million miles from trash!!

I didn't apologize on the phone because I wanted to calm down and collect my thoughts. I didn't expect a response, but from her POV it probably looked that way. You're right, I should've just let it go and not texted anything.

I do have an anger issue, I know. I'm trying to find an IC, but it's difficult. I don't know when I have S, I work 8-4 M-F and can't meet anyone in the middle of the day. But I know I need someone. I'm glad WW's insecure about the idea of me dating. It's strange, I'm more confident in who I am and what I look like than ever before. My eyes wander more now than they have in 5 years. And, dammit, I'm a catch!

With regards to trust, I wrote that poorly. It's a goal in therapy to talk about, not something I want now. I know that's her job, to EARN my trust. Forgiveness is the big thing for me. I talked to the one IC for a minute on the phone, and got a lump in my throat just talking about trying to forgive her. I told WW I'd be willing to forgive in the beginning, but I've learned I had no idea what I was talking about. I've scabbed up about her leaving, lying, being a poor Mom, choosing DBag over playing with S, etc. I'm still bleeding about the A itself.

Again, thanks Sandi. You're a huge help.

[Coconut]

Have you looked into the costs of MWDs counsellors? They are by phone and seem to be available at wide range of times. Even counseling by phone may be good for you, with the added bonus of them understanding DB, both of my counsellors didn't/dont.

[RSG]

Last night she tried to call twice. I texted I'm not really in the mood to talk, I'm tired. She asked where I was, and said maybe she'd get me supper for my bday from a takeout place we would go to religiously but then mentioned how that was too forward. I said "if you do/don't want to get me something for my bday that's up to you." She said you do indifference well, good night. Oh, she also mentioned she's staying at her boss's house until she can move into apt. So, this is why she blurted out "would you let me move back in" the other day. Glad I didn't fold.

FF to today. I pickup S around 11, get home around noon. Putting him to nap, she rings at 12:30, I don't answer. She texts happy birthday and says she's looking at apts. I say thanks and good luck. She mentions again she wants to buy me supper for bday, so I say sure. Turning down a bday present would be a little a-holish right? S is here, and will enjoy seeing his Mommy. He won't see her much for the next 7 days really either.

She texts about the apt and sends a pic of the playground/pool, I say it'll be good for S.

I'm going to apologize for the other day as Sandi advised, and that I'm looking to find an IC that can help me with my anger. That I owe it to S to try my best to work as hard as I can on me regardless of whether we try to reconcile down the road.

You guys still think this is the plan B action going, I'm sure. I'm trying hard to fight urges, but it's my birthday, she wants to buy me supper, etc. I'm not overly excited or anything, and I DO feel like early CBT as well lol. One thing I really took from your early posts is your positive attitude and your mantra of patience, patience, patience. I'm trying to be patient about everything. I've had an epiphany about a few things, and I know the areas in which I need help and those I'm doing well. I have no expectations for her visit, other than the taste of the food lol.

[sandi2]

I'm going to apologize for the other day as Sandi advised,

I did?

[RSG]

I thought so? Lol maybe I won't then, as you don't seem to advocate!!

[Coconut]

Lol, I didn't remember Sandi saying that ever... What would you have done that deserves apology when she's having A and hasn't apologized....

As far as bday dinner, what screams I'm still here for you (plan B) more:

1. Don't do anything except get take out with spouse having an A

2. Go out with friends and have fun, heck, even go to a park and have a bday bbq and bring your child

[sandi2]

I'm not sure what you are referring to, but this is all I remember saying about it.

Quote:
I come home, and send her a text. I apologize saying I'm working hard on my own stuff, admit that that name triggers my anger and validate that it probably does look crazy to her. Done.

I want to make a suggestion, and I hope you will consider making it new behavior change. I think you should break yourself from texting her and bring up the subject that you just had with her.  You could have apologized when the two of you were on the phone earlier.  To return to the subject again.......plus you persuing by initiating a text regarding something personal between the two of you.......sets you back a little bit.  It shows her things you should not reveal at this time.  Mainly, it tells her you are still hooked, and it appears that you are seeking a response from her.  So, please break yourself from this action.

[RSG]

Well, it was a great day. She came over, S was excited. He loved having Mommy home while he ate lunch, then we went to the pool. He was a bad little boy, but we had fun. Then she bought me take out and we ate together. She talked about the apartments she's looking at, and said she's staying with her boss for the weekend because she's lonely and misses S. She said she's lost 8 pounds (and showed me her much smaller tummy) and still can't hold down much. She's going on about how alone she feels, but is proud of the fact she's finally gone back to the gym and doing these obstacle things. (Doing something I like again) And then.....

I say something hypothetically with zero seriousness (is that a word?) about moving back in, and she says I'm never moving back in as your wife. I go from sympathetic to a glazed over face. We finish eating, go downstairs and she says why do you think I'm looking for an apt and makes this ugly face at me. I said I wasn't serious, and I don't even know if I want you back in the first place.

Things devolve from there. She asks me for help deciding about her apartment, what good cost is, etc. I say, why should I help someone who says something so ugly. She tells me to stop bullying, I say I'm not bullying. A husband helps his wife. You had an affair and have left the family. I'm not even 100% if I want you back, but being ugly doesn't help anything. She ignores and says to give S kiss. I tell her to just admit it and that the W I know would find her behavior abhorrent. I tell her I won't Facetime, text about S's day, help with apartment hunting, work with her on money or be there when she's sad if she can't even admit this. This goes on for a while, and it finally ends with her saying "I'm not a cheater." I ask, you didn't leave S and I over and over to spend time with some loser? She says no. She's sorry she gave me an ugly answer. She's not ready to answer a "loaded question."

WTF??? So I call her, and she says she's working on herself and trying to take things a day at a time. She's looking for therapy via phone, through a program at her preschool. (Via phone because it's so difficult to schedule anything without knowing S schedule AND a 9-5 job). She says happy birthday, you can text me, and I'm sorry. I tell her that before you said you had an affair and now you don't? She's not ready to discuss, but says she had fun today. We say goodbye.

Yikes what an evening. My head's in the clouds again, but I don't believe her re A I think it's semantics at best. I see glimpses of the old W in playing with S in pool, but she got out and spent 30 mins playing on phone while I did most of the work (she admitted this last part). She keeps saying S looks just like me. She feels like crap, is scared to death about moving and misses S. Oh, and she didn't say anything re divorce.

I'm not angry really. Actually the whole time I was pretty calm. I still know this isn't the W I know, she's not ready to be honest about much and I'm not ready to accept a woman that can't have a dialogue about the reasons she walked out on her family.

[RSG]

Not much to report today. She tried to call twice around 1 and I didn't answer, was trying to put S to nap. (Didn't work, so he was cranky most of the PM) She texted a picture and called, we talked about the kind of swim shoes he needs for school. I ended up going to Target later in the day and turns out we got the same kind. Told me she went to church with her boss' family and felt good running errands, so was headed to lake.

S and I went shopping around 3, got home around 4:30. Around an hour later he starts getting cranky, so we start bedtime about an hour early. I'll be taking him to his new school tomorrow, I'm excited about it and she's terrified. She texts asking if he's ok, and an hour later I say he's asleep. She gives me a list of stuff to pack in his bag which kind of annoys me, but I know she's worried and this is normal for her. We text a little more about how proud we are of him, and she says goodnight. I'm cooking and didn't answer it.....

She did say yesterday she had stopped drinking as of a week ago, but it's hard for me to trust much of anything.

I had the urge to say SO many things today about what I won't accept, won't deal with and the like. But I fought them and just said nothing. Everything was about S. She's probably going to be pinging me all this week, because I'll be taking him to and picking him up from school every day.

I'm going to keep looking for an IC tomorrow. I have accepted that my anger, triggers and resentment need to be worked out. Maybe I should look up a Church too. You know, it also bothers me when she says "it's not your choice." Really? I never said whether I'm taking YOU back or not!

Incidentally, I'm not a tattoo guy but I'm thinking about getting one on my hand (wrist? fingers?) of S initials and his birth date. Certainly not sure yet lol. He is my inspiration though, and pushes me through everyday. I owe it to him to do my best for his family, it's up to his mother if she cares enough to do the same....

[RSG]

Today was S first official day at his new preschool. I did dropoff, and he was a little scared. However, he pulled out a puzzle, his teacher started asking where each letter went, and I ran out ASAP as he settled down and acclimated.

WW is/was terrified. He had a good day, but was a bit too excited about the new toys and knocked a whole bunch of stuff off of a shelf. This is normal behavior for him in a new place, but WW freaks out about anything other than perfection. We've always been helicopter parents, but I'm able to step back and let him do his own thing for the most part. She's a worrier too.

Then she called me about 20 minutes later to ask how he did. Somehow, a row began. We traded barbs. I said it was tough working out the logistics, taking him to this house, that house, who picks him up, who sees him, etc. She said my not taking him to school is part of the reason we're in this. We argue. She starts going on a litany of reasons why it's my fault we're separated. I can't get a word in edge wise, refuses to pause and treats me like a 3yr old sitting in a little chair getting lectured. This is one thing she did while she was at her ugliest. Finally I can't take it, I blurt over her and don't stop. You left us every weekday 5-8 choosing trash over S&I. Refusing to see S over and over but now you want to play family. Every weekend you lied about going to the outlets so you could be with trash, stayed out till 4AM getting wasted and hungover all weekend. She tried to respond, I hung up on her 3-4 times. She texted about 8 times, and I couldn't answer because I was on the interstate driving to work.

Finally I let her through, and we talk for about 15 minutes. She's crying, asks for something about S. She says she's doing the best she can, going to therapy ASAP, stopped drinking, finally doing things she likes again.

We talk a little when I get to my desk, and says we had a great time at the park when it was us 3. I said, not really. You felt so cold and distant to me, but S had fun being with his M/D so it was good. She liked our pool time together before the little blowup, that she's trying to rekindle a relationship with me. She has to go....

She complained about her day today, and I think I did a really good job validating. "I know that frustrates you" "I understand what you mean" "That must be difficult for you"
I felt good, because I was going to offer advice but remembered the 5 LL story. We talk about S during the day, because she's terrified he won't do well and we'll need to find ANOTHER school. I try to validate her concerns, and tell her that once he gets in a routine he should do well. She agrees.....

She has gotten off work early, picked him up and brought him home. We talk for a minute about S, she has work texts and is about to go. She says, maybe we should just wait until we're both in therapy to address this but that she still wants her own apt. I don't think the apt is a big deal. If we were to start healing, it would be in a few months at best and she has to leave her rented room in about 6 weeks. I tell her after she leaves that, if we were to have any kind of R talk again, the best bet is to wait until S school situation looks good because we're likely to get too emotional again.

She's softened towards me, though her bad habits showed when angry just like mine have. I was struck by the "trying to rekindle a relationship" comment (I know it's a ground up thing, not a marriage thing). She is getting "herself" back slowly from my POV and is pretty adamant about getting therapy. All this impresses me. But to put all my eggs in this basket? Nah. We need to work together for S, otherwise I need to keep working on me. I've had false expectations before that cause me to fall off a cliff and let my emotions explode.