Pathway Change

[blueboy]

Hi Sandi

Thanks for that, that's has helped a lot, we are struggling to find a MC who specialises is dealing with A is our area of the UK, as I don't just want anyone!

[blueboy]

Any today I just want to give up, nothing W has do or not done!

Just can I get over the thinking of what they did together, I don't want the feel of looking at my W legs, mouth or body to remind me of him touching her!

Make me feel anger, sad, sick......!

I want my marriage but need these feelings to go!

[Coconut]

blueboy, it's only been two or three weeks since you started piecing, it will get easier. Feel those emotions, process them, take the time you need to do that. You may decide it's not what you want, that you can't do it, but don't make that decision from an emotional place, wait until you are happy with yourself and decide what you want your future to look like.

In the meantime, work on accepting what has occurred, ask the questions you need to (or don't if you don't need to), really process it and try and put it in the past. Don't let yesterday's pain ruin todays possibilities..

It is hard, but it does get easier.

Ok, so I wrote the above then I went back and re-read the start of your sitch to refresh my memory. Let me ask you something, you say that you had inappropriate contact with someone else early in your M. I'm assuming your W found out, that you two worked through it, and both you and your W became happy in the M again. Keep in mind that your W forgave you for your indiscretion, she moved past it and found happiness with you again, can you or will you do the same?

I'm not saying what you did in the past justifies what she did, I'm only pointing out that you two were able to work through it and be happy again, and hopefully you two can do the same again (if it's what you want).

[blueboy]

Still working on it, slowly but surely, things are improving, we are very open about everything, transparent!

Trying to live a normal life as well without talking about it all the time, W is very willing to talk and explain, her reason about what happened.

Taking one day at a time!

[JRuss]

Good luck to you, blueboy! Remember that you're exactly where you hoped you'd be when you first started to DB. There was never a realistic possibility it would get here without "here" being very hard at this stage, and, honestly, if it wasn't really hard right now, I'd be worried that you were just burying feelings that would have to come to the surface eventually, possibly with dire consequences.

I and I'm sure many many others here who'd give body parts to be where you are are pulling for your and your W!

[blueboy]

Mmmm, 7 weeks since the W asked to come home, I'm finding everyday hard, wondering if this is something I want or can do.

I have so many things on my mind, that I have difficulty with!

1) Her motivation for coming back, she says it because she realised, she was still loved me, but is this the truth or just a realisation that the grass isn't greener on the other side, kids, money wise, material things!

2) Trust, I have no really trust in her at the moment, nothing that's she has said or done, how should I move forward, should I still be checking up which she know I do. She has told me she will never do anything to break my trust again and I have nothing to worry about!

3) I find me wanting her to be more tactile, she hold/ my hand when we go out, cuddle up in bed, tell me she love me. I find myself wondering if this is real or fake!

4) She has said a few positive thing about OM and his family, I find this hard to take.

5) She talks about the future, I find myself thinking so what!!!

6) I find myself obsessing about the whole thing, it has taken over my life, and find myself thinking how can I be happy and just want to fast forward life a couple of years!!!

[sandi2]

I think what you are emotionally experiencing is common for the betrayed spouse. The anger, the triggers, replaying images in your brain, the fear of it happening again, etc. IMHO, I believe the betrayed H goes through a period where he is vulnerable to being a WAH, due to him not having the ability to get past this boulder in the road to healing.

Have you read threads posted in the Piecing section?

You need to attend IC, to help you deal with the devastating affects the A has had on you personally.

[AndrewP]

4) She has said a few positive thing about OM and his family, I find this hard to take.

One thing that I've had to suck up is that as far as my WW is concerned OM is a great guy. She may still think that even if she comes back. Fortunately I've not bad-mouthed him in front of her because I expect that would have hardened her to me.

[pinn]

Funny blue boy.... I am in a similar state though you are a bit further along. I feel the same things you mention in the bullets above and really do not know how to deal with it. The trust issue and wondering if things are real or fake in particular. I've given you no advise because I can't but completely understand where you are coming from.

[Rose888]

There isn't an A in my sitch, but I can relate to your #1 and #3.

Is H reconnected to me emotionally? Does he love me? Or is he acting as if because he made a choice that staying is the Right Thing To Do?

I basically decided that it doesn't matter. I mean, it does matter, but I shouldn't let the answer change my behavior.

In a long term relationship, I have to accept that there will be rough patches. Times where people are acting out of principle more than passion.

My job is to be responsible for my emotional health and happiness, and to be the best spouse I can be.

Dwelling on anything else is unproductive.

Just my two cents. Worth what you paid for them. ;-)