What an eventful weekend I had. I can't say it was very pleasing but it took me until yesterday to get back on track. Had a great time with colleagues last night and even one of them had a dig at H because he was late to pick up kids, which meant we were both late for work! The funny thing is that H wouldn't normally texted me about what my colleague would say but he texted me twice to say how he disapproved about what my friend said! He even apologised for being late! Now what I found funny was that she only told him the truth that we were late for work by 30 minutes and when he challenged her she called him a tasser! Obviously he didn't like the truth but he also didn't like the fact that it was said in front of the kids as it doesn't put him in a good light!
I was so proud of myself as I didn't intervene (180 for me!) and when I got his texts I didn't feel the need to read it or even answer it! My friend made me laugh because she hadn't seen him for 2 years now and she told me that he looked fat and unhappy! I have to be honest as it pleased me to hear it as I don't think he is that happy, and he has put some weight on! It was nice to see that I wasn't the only one to notice it. I knew my friend would have said nothing if he was looking good! Also I was dressed really nicely as it was a presentation of certificate for our students' achievements and I felt like a million dollars. So after the last 3 down days, I'm feeling pretty good and happy😀
Bonjour Rouky! Sounds like you're doing well and I'm so glad to hear that.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I'm starting to understand that what is keeping me from dropping the rope is fear. As the vets always say here: actions speak louder than words, and I think that it is what is preventing me from dropping it. After 3 years if not 4 years with OW, H hasn't introduced her to kids and still hasn't filed. I think this is what is keeping me in limbo as I'm trying to mind read H's actions. My mind is thinking if he hasn't introduced her to our children and not file is that OW isn't that important to him. One of my friend suggested that she might have high expectation, but H not so much! I can understand him not filing because it's expensive, doesn't want to look like the bad guy but also he can say to OW that he can't commit to her because he is still married! Regarding the introduction to kids, I guess he doesn't want to be seen as the bady by our kids. So why I'm still holding on to the rope: because I'm scared to be on my own and be single for the rest of my life, so by over analysing H's actions it gives me hope. I have to be honest with myself and admit that since H's gone. I have been out a lot, I don't need to do the housework by a certain day and there are few more others things that I'd not have done if I still were with H! I can deal with him not loving me anymore but my huge trouble is dealing with rejection. I have centred all my life around H and to what purpose: him cheating on me and forcing me to make a decision for him to stay with wife or OW. I clearly lost on this one! I'm not ready to date as I need to deal with that fear of being alone! DB is not about saving your M but about finding ourselves again.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Dropping the rope does scare some people. Dropping the rope doesn't mean you have totally given up. It can mean that you are just letting the situation take it's own course and allowing God to do his work w/o you trying to hold on to the situation. It means that you are going on w/your life for the time being and just leaving things be.
You will continue to discover that the world now revolves around you and the things that you do. You will discover that those things that you use to do on a certain day, no longer matter and come to realize you can do them whenever you want to. You will discover that you do not need your h to make you feel complete, but it would be nice to share things w/him and/or w/someone else.
As for the ow and divorce. It could be that he doesn't want to remarry any time soon, so he uses the excuse that he's still married and, in some cases, they will say that the spouse is refusing to give them a divorce. For whatever reason, he's not ready to divorce and marry this ow. Some do and some don't end up marrying the ow, but time will tell what your h is going to do. If you don't push the divorce, he could very well be happy w/the way things are.
So, what do you do? Start dropping the rope just a wee bit. Continue to rediscover Rouky. Put the focus on you and make yourself the center of your attention. Do things that make you happy for a change. You've come a long way in a very short time. You are start to grow and test the waters of being on your own...try not to second guess yourself. I think you are doing great! Just remember...it's one step at a time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Rocky, That was great advice given by Job. It is scary to drop the rope after centering your life on someone so completely that you almost forget who you are. But it's OK to do it as well as ok to have trouble. Baby steps until your new Rouky legs grow
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
Now I'm laughing as the kids just told me that H is buying a new car but hasn't got money to file! I had a great pampering day and I really feel good. I also realised that if I was still with H, I would have never been able to have a couple of hours to get my hair done. Usually I'd feeling guilty as I'd feel it wasn't money well spent when I could have spent it on the family, because now there is no family with H, I was free from guilt! Being separated isn't that bad after all! I have settled well in new house and neighbour hood. My kid are out with their new friends and it's nice to see that it's a good place for them!
You can see where your h's priorities are...a new car. Maybe he's hoping you'll file.
I'm glad you had a great pampering day. We all need days like that and I'm really glad you are discovering your new found freedom to do what you want and when you want w/o feeling guilty. I say "go, girl"!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Well if he is hoping for me to file, he is going to wait for a long time, and with what happened in the UK recently I have no intention to file! Went out to a theme park with the kids, and we had a good time. What I found hard is even tough I know we had a great time I was struggling to feel really happy. It was only towards the end that I really felt at peace. Was a lot sad as there were a lot of families but I also noticed a lot of single mother like me.
I think the road for recovery is going to take longer than I anticipated as my brain is right on the ball but at the moment it's my heart that rules! I'm wondering why I still keep hoping for someone who wasn't good for me.
Also because he isn't filing and not introducing kids to OW, I feel it keeps me in limbo! I'm trying to get on with my life but I'm finding it so hard to come back home in the evening and having no one to talk to and share things with. I know everyone deserve to be happy H and OW, but what I don't understand is why he didn't split with me if he was that unhappy and why did she had to go for a married man. She isn't bad looking and I'm sure she gets a lot of attention from men, so why my H? I guess I'll never get any answers anyway!
So why I'm still holding on to the rope: because I'm scared to be on my own and be single for the rest of my life, so by over analysing H's actions it gives me hope.
Rouky, I understand some of your fears. I remember being scared being on my own for the rest of my life. Not that I was scared begin without H in the house for some time (he traveled a lot, so did I), but for my life being incomplete and sad without H. And it was for a while. I had 4 year BD anniversary a couple of weeks ago, so I’ve been here for a long time. Only now I’m starting to really live my life like H is not coming back. It takes more time for some people to recover from the rejection, betrayal and loss of a spouse. I’m sure this moment will come for you, maybe not as fast as you would like it to.
I know the limbo feeling very well. I’m kind of in a similar situation, as my H has not filed and doesn’t look like he intends to. I’ve come a long way, I’m independent and don’t need H for anything in my life (not saying that I would not love him to do the house work, LOL), but I’m still holding onto that rope… And sometimes I don’t even know why. I’m also questioning and analyzing a lot about why H is not filing, but doing just the opposite now – trying to maintain some joint accounts, which he was ready to drop 4 years ago.
So, I would say, there is always hope. But, the life should not stop for you. I agree with job, keep discovering what is good for you, what you enjoy, take care of yourself.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
H has texted me to ask for one of the kids to do an activity on Saturdays and if I would take her when it is my weekend. Now I don't really want to do it as I feel it's my weekend and I'm entitled to do what I want with my kids and I also know that can be done another day of the week. My kid already tried it last year but her coach said she really wasn't into it, so I guess it'll be a waist of my money. So need a third perspective ( I have given up saving my marriage), am I being unreasonable telling H no as my weekend with the girls are how I see fit, or am I being a meany there! If kid was to like it I'd not mind but I'm not too sure about it. Any thoughts?
Well, if I were in your shoes, I would remind my h that this particular weekend is your weekend to do things w/your children. His "activities" should and can be done on his weekend visitation. If you start switching up visitation days, it could get very confusing and then you won't be able to make plans on your respective weekends w/the children. I would be nice and also businesslike and tell him to reschedule his "activities" for his schedule time period and then let it go.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you job. This activity will mean that my kid would have to attend it every Saturday when it's my weekend as well as his weekend. What annoys me is that my kid just mentioned it to me and it sounds like to her like a done deal, so if o say no I'll look like the bady!
On another note, despite child access scheduled in deed of separation H has decided not to see kids as he saw them over the weekend! I'd like to remind myself that he is the one to have drawn the access! Boy he is really on another planet! I guess now he can bad mouth about me to OW!
Tomorrow is my birthday, last year despite me reaching a milestone H got me something from the girls! This time nothing, so I'm really tempted to text him to thank him for buying a card for my birthday for the girls to give to me and that it doesn't surprise me that he treats me the same way as the mother of his first child because he is a cheating lying b~s#*¥d! But then again it will give him too much importance! So I'll just vent here! 😀
I think your h should have sat down and discussed the weekend issue w/you before presenting it to the daughter. Well, it's up to you as to how you want to handle this. Do you want to give up your weekends for something he's scheduled? If so, think about this...is he going to pick her up and drop her back off to your place on your weekends? If not, is he going to pay your gas, etc. for you to bring her to whatever the activity is on your weekends? It sounds like he's doesn't care if your weekends are messed up because he wants to do something w/her every weekend or, was this your daughter's idea and she convinced him that it's something she wants to do and knows that if he presents it to "mom", mom will cave rather than say "no" and look like a mean old mom?
I'm going to wish you an early Happy Birthday. If he doesn't have help the girls to get you something, I wouldn't worry too much. He'll have a birthday coming up soon than later and what is good for the goose and good for the gander. LOL!
Enjoy your special day!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Of course not Job! He isn't going to pick her up and bring her back. He just wants to know if I'll take her while it's my weekend! This guy is unreal and I bet he'll tell everyone what a bad mother I am! Also he is taking them away for a holiday soon and he is expecting me to provide the kids with suitcases and clothing!
Wrong again. The old Rouky would have agreed with it but now as it's his holidays with his kids, he'll have to do what single parent do: pack the stuff for their own kids! When I go abroad to see my family I don't ask for his suitcase or the clothing he has for the kids! That man is deluded as why after what he did to me I should be helping him! He wasn't there when I got nearly homeless, so why should I made his life easier!
Guilt is all I can say. Finally texted H telling him what he really thought about him. I needed to do as it was boiling inside me for the last 17 months. I do feel better and feel I have move one step forward! After my text H did get me something on behalf of the kids. I wasn't expecting it, so I thanked him. I have been blessed with my friends today, and it was a huge boost to feel appreciated.
IC session was very interesting as I was very angry. She understands that I want him to pay for what he has done, but she pointed out that all negative energy isn't well used! She also told me that I need to accept what the situation is, then move on! H may never file for D as maybe him and OW are happy as they are. She said I need to do things with dignity and that I should stop wanting H to pay for wharf he has done. She added he'll probably never regret what he has done! On this one I TRULY believe her! So where am I at? I don't really know, only that everyday is getting easier and i feel slightly happier each say. I know for sure I don't want to file as I want H to once in his life to take responsibility for his actions, and it's too expensive. But I don't think I want him back! It's a weird place to be in! I guess I'll leave it to God and enjoy each day as it comes.
Take that anger and negative energy and use it on something you absolutely hate doing, i.e., dusting, packing/unpacking, etc. You'll feel much better applying that energy towards something that you've been putting off. Venting to your h won't do a thing, but justify why he left you.
Keep moving forward.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hahaha..... If you want him to file, just write to the OW and tell her you just don't understand why he won't file for divorce? Lol. He's probably telling her some story.
Btw, just do whatever is best for YOU in regards to the divorce.
Happiest of birthdays to you, rouky! Hope you were able to get out and enjoy your special day. I know it's a crappy situation and sometimes just feels utterly rediculous, and that pent up negative energy is just bursting to get out!!! Just know that you have so many virtual friends cheering you on cuz you are a superstar!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I agree with others on the anger - try to release your H and accept he will do what he will do when he will do it. Anger is pent up emotion that wants to release. It's best to take responsibility for it and release it in your own ways - ie: not directing it at anyone, just getting it out. I sometimes used to throw stuff across the room as hard as I could - but it was always something soft that didn't do any harm, primal screams in the car, punch pillows and so on.
As for the potential D, I would just do what feels best for you and what is the right path in your heart. Don't worry about him taking responsibility (you don't get to control him after all) - just be responsible for your own life and make choices that best work for you.
Hope you enjoyed your special day :)xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
KML you really had me chuckle! I might actually do that.
Speaking with my IC yesterday made me realised that there is no trust from my side towards H, that even if in an ideal world H and I get back together there is no guarantee that H won't stay again! He went back to OW when he got given a second chance!
Despite still having feelings for him, I don't think I can get over what he did and I have always told myself that an affair would be a deal breaker for me. So I guess I was chickening out from making the right decision for me! I don't really see a future with him and us as a family. I' m starting to appreciate my time with my kids.
Hi Rouky, just been catching up on your situation. Sorry I missed wishing you a happy birthday on time. Sending you belated wishes now!
It sounds like your counselling sessions are really working well and helping you to see clearly about how you really feel towards your H.
I love Job's suggestion of using your anger to do jobs you've been putting off. I always find I get really stuck into big household jobs when I'm angry too.
Not sure about the weekend activity for your D. I have wondered how this sort of thing works myself. Both my S and D do activities on a Saturday which I have always taken them to and from, even before my H left. It is very tricky now that your H seems to have already discussed it with your D! I can understand you feeling reluctant to 'have' to take her when he has arranged it and also not wanting to look like that bad guy. Does your D seem to very keen on doing it?
Thank you very much everyone for my birthday wishes. Been feeling pretty good the last couple of days. Work is busy and I'm tired but in all I'm content with my situation.
Nothing to say about H and his demands about me taking the kids to cobs on my days.
Getting excited as my new garden is looking like a bomb site, so ask for a garden to help me to tidy and take it from here. Then I'll gradually make changes in the house!
Still hurt to see H so I have decided to unsubscribe from dating website! I realise that I'm not ready yet to date. Nice to go for a drink but I don't think I'm emotionally ready. Also call me old fashion but I have always met exes through friends and even if people are saying that it's the way forward I don't believe in it.
GAL is looking good for next week when kids are away with H! I need to rediscover myself. Today one of my friends asked me what I like to do and I couldn't answer her, so it's time to seriously shift back the focus on what I want/ like or discover new hobbies.
Bonjour Rouky, Happy belated birthday. And I'm so sorry about what happened in Nice and all the terror your country and people have experienced. Best wishes.
Is there still a chance you and H might reconcile? If so, then I hope you can learn to trust again. It's not easy, and I find there is a bit of post-traumatic stress (PTSD) going on, but you can do it.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thank you NYGal. It is indeed terrible as nobody deserve to lose their life this way. Unfortunately this kind of things just make you realise how short life can be.
I don't post much here as nothing is really happening in my life, I do read others posts but feel I don't have any advice to offer as everyone seems to have at least some kind of interaction with their WAS, it's not my case. So to answer your question I don't think there is any possibility of reconciliation as I can feel and see by H's actions that it's over. I'm gradually accepting it and moving on with my life. This doesn't mean that I don't love him, and it only means that I'm not putting my life on hold for someone who doesn't love me.
Talking with friends are making me realise that everyone deserves to be happy even H. Maybe OW is better suited for him ( I'm truly starting to believe it), and that I have married the wrong man. Her and him have a lot more in common. The hurt is that H betrayed me when he should have left me.
Other than that kids are away abroad with H, so I have lined up some activities for me everyday. Now I'm leaving my love life to God, and let the future unfolds.
Hi Rouky, I have no interaction with XH at all! And I think we all have different things to offer. The very fact that you are accepting and moving on - something that is hard to do - can be learned from.
It is a good realisation that even H deserves to be happy. I am trying to come to a point of balance when I look back at our M. Much of it was good. I didn't like the ending, but I accept that anyone can choose not to be with someone any longer and I try not to hold on to the hurts caused by the ending.
I'm glad you have some nice activities arranged. This is a good time to discover/rediscover those things that Rouky enjoys.
Take care my friend xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Here is what I wrote on a newcomer's post, as I feel so strong about it. I'm about to end the phase of being angry and enter acceptance.
#2692031 - 2 minutes 56 seconds ago Re: Being good at disagreement [Re: mustardseed] Rouky Offline Member
Registered: 06/02/15 Posts: 1166 The real gem in our situation is that we are working on us, to make us a better, to be who we truly are. I have met so many people who aren't taking ownership of their participation in the break up of their marriage, and I'm sure that they'll reproduce the same in their next relationship or they will go for the same person.
Even though BD is hard because we have to accept our responsibility and learn from it, as it is a journey that we would have never started if it had not been forced on us. JJB I'm 16 months post BD and only now I'm realising my share in the end of my marriage. I saw who I had become and now I'm making the changes for myself. I was expecting H to make me happy and deal with my issues, whereas now I understand all along I buried my head in the sand, and was expecting it to go away. God has given me a change to work on me and to become who I'm supposed to be. It is probably to the expense of my marriage but I believe I had to be smacked really hard to realise it.
Some people ( us here) will be better equipped in our next relationship whereas our H will not have grown like we did because they see nothing wrong with them.
JJB we will come out of this tunnel a better person and the right person will come along. My H has been brought by his mum and 3 sisters and had everything done for him, whereas like you I was brought up to be independent. It's a different bringing up and I didn't truly understand what compromises were/ are. I know for sure that I won't repeat it in my next relationship.
Just reporting so when I look back I can remember how far I have come. Went to see a friend, then decided to stop by SIL as I felt bad to be in same village and not seeing her.
Had a good chat with her and she answered few questions I had. Was she telling me the truth or not but it was what I wanted to hear. None of my IL have met OW, and she said that so far they have no intention to do it. Maybe later on, but I know that there will be a time when it will happen. H hasn't mentioned anything about D with her, but he told her that he has no intention to remarry (that is what he also told me). I now understand why he won't file as he can say to OW he can't marry her because he is still married to me. She also told me that I should give up hope of us getting back together and move on with my life. She asked me if I really wanted H back, and if I was, would I trust him because of all his deceit, lies and wouldn't I always wonder where he is. She also told me that OW is my H choice but she believes that what goes around comes around. She also said that H loves me but not enough to reconcile. She added that he feels guilty for being such a bastion but I shouldn't expect an apology from him as H would never admit he was wrong. She doesn't speak highly of OW ( knowing that she is friend with her brother for about 10 years now!). She has also said to H not to move in OW and find both of them disrespectful to put stuff on FB about their happiness!
As a whole I needed her to tell me this as I don't want to be bitter with H; on the other hand I needed someone from his family to tell me that I should stop hoping! How I feel about it? Sad but I have noticed the changes in me and I'm more aware of the interaction in a marriage, so whoever comes next will fully benefit from my growth. Don't think I'll be able to say this about H!
Am I a bad mother for saying that I have enjoyed the time the kids were with their dad? I went out a lot and I have done a lot in my new house (including a spring clean in kids' wardrobes!). So much easier when they aren't there! I had such an interesting chat with IC about why I still have ups and downs, and we finally nailed it down to the fact that I was struggling with rejection. IC can see that I love H but that I'm not in love with him! IC pointed out the differences she has seen in me since I started with her, and was very encouraging. She told me that even if it seems like a long time and I don't see progress straight away, I'm making changes in my life to break the vicious circle of always entering unhealthy relationships. IC added that I had two choices: either to carry on devaluating myself (like H has been telling me all those years) or to choose to be happy. She reinforced that everything in life is a choice, and H cheating on me was HIS.
Alleluia! I'm finally seeing my H's flaws, that I could have been the perfect wife ( as we know that doesn't exist) but he still would have done what he did. He is a broken man and as much as I love him I can't fix him.
I'd like to say sorry to all of you here ( job, Sotto, shotgun, KLM, Inpain, Ancaire, NYGal and others) for not listening to you when you were right in saying that H is broken and I can't fix him. Better later than never to realise this (although a year to realise this, I think I might have been taking the the mick though:-)!). I have chosen to be happy, to live life to its fullest and not let go of that damn rope! H will not come back and to be fair I don't think I want who he is now. I'm showing my daughters that I have self respect and that I deserve better. IC reckons that my journey on self worth and respect had begun when u kicked H out after giving him a change to work on marriage. I feel stronger, more at peace but not naïve that there will be ups and downs along the road. WHAT DOESN'T KILL YOU MAKES YOU STRONGER!
Rouky, No, you aren't a bad mother because you enjoyed "your" time alone to get things done. We all need those "me" times to recharge our batteries and yes, sometimes it is easier to do things around the home when the children are not there. So, please don't think you are a bad mother.
I'm glad you are finally understanding what we've been posting to you. It takes time for the advice to sink in, but when it does, the light bulb goes off and you begin to start moving forward and finding your footing once again. You will still have days of ups and downs, but don't allow them to get you down. Work through the things that make the down days and know that once you are on the other side of those down days, life is so much better.
You've got this! You now have a better understanding of what you need to do in order to live your life for you and your children and what will make you happy.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Things are getting better by the day. Went to see some friends who live next door to H and they talked about him. I was a bit annoyed but I let them carry on because they genuinely care about me. They know that I'm still hoping for reconciliation, and they told me that even if it's great to still believe in my vows, I need to move on. Basically H said that he won't come back ( even if it's not nice to hear I took it as a sign that I need to let go and drop the rope)! I can't explain why but having two set of people close to H to tell me this feels like the closure that I wanted H to tell me but never did. It's weird but I feel liberated.
My friends told me that they haven't been introduced to OW, but they saw her once and didn't acknowledge her. Apparently she is only at H's once a week. H told my friend that he doesn't feel confident with OW, that he can't see a future with her ( H could be lying), his actions of not introducing her to any of his family of close friends would seem to reinforce what H thinks about OW. Even my friend ( male) is surprised, that as I have been separated from H for 16 months, that OW hasn't moved in or been on holidays with H. He says if OW was really true love, he'd live with her and she's have met our children. My friend said that H has no intention to introduce her to our kids. Also H says to my male friend that he doesn't like when OW brings her kid round his place!
I know I shouldn't be happy but even if it isn't true what H says, it still feels good to hear what he says about OW to friends. They also reckon that OW FB posts are immature and they think she does it on purpose, which to them is pathetic because of her age! Hard to explain but I really can feel the rope going. In a way I feel sorry for OW as she is clearly in love and sees a future with H, when so far his actions are the opposite. Only time will tell.
Went on a date. It was nice but just that. My life goes on and I'm doing g a lot of spiritual reading at the moment. I also went for another reiki session and I feel so much better after it!
I just read your post Rouky, and am genuinely happy for you! I'm so glad things are getting better day by day. Reiki and the spiritual reading sounds awesome! That's my cup of tea!
As for the date....I'm glad you had a nice time. I know it's not the best DB strategy, but I have found that going on dates allows me to really be true to myself and meet men/ find a potential partner who truly gets me and values me and vice versa. To me dating is like applying all our DB lessons in real life. It's really fun!
Re: your H- meh... Not your circus nor your monkeys. Even if it's just lip service, it doesn't sound like his romantic life is all rainbows and cupids. There's real life stuff in there like family and children that have to be brought into the mix eventually if that r is meant to move forward. The good news is, you don't have to worry about it.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Hi Rouky, I've just been catching up on your thread.
I'm loving how much more confident and happy you are! Oh, and no need to apologise for not listening about H being broken - we all take time for people's advice to sink in around here! Advice I give to others I could definitely say to myself too, but don't accept it for myself. I am just glad that you are coming out of this so much stronger.
Also loved the bit where you said that you were showing your girls that you have self respect and deserve better - I have been thinking around this issue too recently.
Glad you had a nice time on your date, it must be a really hard thing to do.
Interesting to hear what others think of H's OW. Things aren't so rosy after all. Karma perhaps?
So good to hear from you IP. I think I have reached a point now where I'm not interested in what people think about OW. H's actions speak volume to me. Only time will tell. It's strange as if H was to settle down with someone else, I don't think I would be that resentful, and I would probably be friendly towards they new woman. Really can't explain why. I'm reading an interesting book about self worth, and also I have a friend who has been such a support for me. She is a little further down the road, and has so many wise advice! What I have really appreciated was that some people I truly consider as friends (even SIL) don't agree with what H's did/ is doing, and to me it shows that there are still some people with morals and values. So not everyone is bad in this world!
with time you start to see réalise things. I would always be tensed with my family when H was around but this year for a long time, I can say that I had the best family holidays. No watching what I was saying, doing basically being me. Kids has a great time too.
Still didn't manage not to think about H, although him hardly contacting us has made me see more about who he really is. H has attended common friends wedding but was on his own. I found it strange as he has been with OW for a while now.
Other than that I carry on moving forward. I'm doing a lot of spiritual research, and I even surprised myself by slowly stepping back and not taking things too much at heart. I'm getting back to myself and showing genuine care for others ( I used to be like that when I first met with H).
I still read posts here but feel I don't have much to contribute as interactions with H are at their lowest. I'm thinking of all of you here xx
I'm so glad you checked in Rouky. It's always nice to hear how you're doing.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I can't believe all the challenges I have faced the last 17 months and I still managed to get my students to get excellent results at their summer examinations. I'm so proud of my students and myself!
Everyday I'm learning something new about myself and my worth. H used to make me feel bad for everything I was doing, not good enough, but after today's exams results I'm happy and confident that I'm a good person, a good teacher and a good mother.
Wow what a revelation! I just had to believe in me.
Thank you Esame. It's true that I'm proud of myself. I have come to realise that despite everything, I have carried on doing my job to the best of my ability knowing that it could have gone horribly wrong for me.
I can see how much growth I have achieved since my stitch started. Recently I got into an argument with a friend. Her H cheated on her and just got recently married to OW, I happened to meet him and her and we chat a bit and asked them how they were. My friend went ballistic because of that, she said that if she had seen my H she wouldn't have engaged with him. She was hurt that I ask a question about their wedding. I just did it out of courtesy as I would do for anyone who were getting married. I understand that she is hurt but I feel I have the right to talk to who I want. I'm feeling sad for her because she has so much anger against him, and limit his access to their kids. She is so bitter and at times she doesn't understand why I'm not behaving like her.
I have realised that being angry, checking every minute on FB and talking negatively about H is keeping me in the tunnel, the pain is excruciating and the only person that is hurting is me not H. For me not engaging in this behaviour means to let it go.
Despite what H has done to me I don't want to end up being bitter, unhappy and hurt for the rest of my life. I have been a very negative person and I'm doing my hardest to break that vicious circle of being negative and I think that being around this friend isn't helping me. Every time we met, we end up talking about XH/ H and I always feel down and bitter after meeting her.
I think people (who were betrayed) might not like what I'm going to say, but at the end of the day H did wrong, it did hurt like hell but if I carry on dwelling on the way past, being angry, limiting his access to kids (which I don't), and wishing him bad like my friend towards her XH, does it make me a better person than H?
Personally I don't think so. If I was to do all that, I'd have stooped to H's and OW's level, and anyhow I'd end up being the only person being hurt and bitter. H has moved on, I can't change what happened but I can become a better person. I do believe in karma, and I know H will one day reap what he sowed, and when this happens it'll not matter to me because I'd be living a fulfill life.
Does it make me doormat for not wanting revenge, for being friendly with H? No, this is making me a better person, more compassionate, and I'm loving the person I'm becoming and I'm really starting to enjoy life. I only wished I had learnt about it in a better way than through betrayal, but then again I don't think I'd have done all this work on me if it hadn't happened.
I don't know if what I'm writing is making sense but I haven't felt so hopeful, so grateful for my life and happy for a very long time.
No, it doesn't make you a doormat to not want revenge on your h for what he's done. If you can be friendly w/your h and keep your expectations at zero, then do so. You are the only one that can determine what kind of relationship that you develop w/him.
I enjoyed reading your posting and you are on the right track. You do not want to become a bitter old woman. You want to be that beautiful, intelligent, and compassionate woman that you already are. Being bitter closes you off from many wonderful experiences and relationships in life.
No, Rouky, you are not being a doormat at all. I think you are being the lighthouse in the storm w/her light shining very brightly.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you very much for your kind words Job as they do mean a lot to me. I might sound crazy but I do believe that things happen for a reason. In my case I was relying on H to make me happy, feel loved and help with my depression. With all this, I have now learnt that he couldn't fix me, i'm the only person that can do it! I'm not ready yet to forgive him and forget, but I'm starting to feel thankful for what has happened as I couldn't have carried on with the life I was leading! It wasn't healthy for us and the kids. I know that in time I'll thank him for what he has done as my back was against the wall and only such a chock could have forced me to look deep inside me.
I still love him, but I know we can't go back together, not because he doesn't care about me but because H hasn't done any soul searching to why he did what he did, and he hasn't started to work on him as he doesn't see anything wrong in his behaviour. I'm hoping for his sake that OW will be able to provide him with what he is looking for.
H gave me two beautiful kids, we had some good times and at one point I know he loved me, unfortunately his issues ( as well as mine) got in the way of what could have been a good marriage. It wasn't meant to be. This taught me that I'm worthy, that I'm caring and loving.
I don't want to become like my friend, I have accepted my responsibility for the demise of my marriage, and I'm improving what needs to be changed. My friend and H don't see any wrong with them ( H blames me, she blames her XH), unfortunately I have learnt that in a relationship it's 50/50 for the end of it. Both aren't prepared to look introspectively. Their choice not mine.
Hi Rouky, I hear you on the friend front. I cringe when I hear of divorcee's speaking so ill of their ex's. It's true, they haven't done the work and cant see the big picture. It's very very sad actually. I think they are missing out on some of life's biggest lessons. I also cringe when I hear "happily" married people bicker and blame. They are missing some crucial elements about what they bring to the table. Uch... I just want to help them!
But enough about them.... You are amazing Rouky. I know you've been down a tough road and are coming out the other side. There's so much light there!
Have you read up on post traumatic growth? It's essentially what we're all dealing with here... But it's nice to have a little more insight into it.
Enjoy your day!
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I feel I'm truly starting my journey and think I'm at the right place where I should be now. The last couple of days have been enlightening for me. Had a good conversation with a friend and what we talked about had me thinking. I do believe that if we had had that conversation a few months ago, I'd not have been so receptive about it. I see how my behaviour has pushed H away and understand why he doesn't want to be with me anymore. Though it doesn't excuse his cheating! I also see what H did that forced me to withdraw from him and to put some walls around me. I wish I had known everything I know now as I'd have done things differently ( it will help me with my next relationship!).
Nothing new on H's side, I just hope he is happy. I went on OW's FB page (I know, I know) and saw a picture of her. I don't know what happened but I truly and genuinely felt sorry for her. The second I saw it, I thought she didn't look happy despite her putting up a nice pose. I felt compassion for her, and also I felt proud of myself for feeling this way. Normally people would rejoiced that OW seems unhappy but I wasn't.
I'm getting back to the Rouky I was when I first met H and it feels good. In a way I think H brought the worst out of me, so I could really look at myself and with on me.
I have decided to give dating a break as so far was meeting dodgy people, also because I have a little nagging feeling telling me that I'll carry meeting the wrong person until I have fully resolved my issues. I can't say why but I have this feeling that I'll be alright and that the right person will walk into my life when the time is right. May it be H or someone else, who knows but I know for sure that when I'll meet him I'll be happy, complete and will have a fulfilled life!
At the moment I'm content with more and happy moments popping in and there.
I can't carry on anymore. I'm not getting anywhere on the healing side. I have too many contacts with H ( 3 times a week), and I feel this is preventing from moving on because I still stupidly believe that because kids haven't met OW nor his family and no sign of D, there is still hope. Who am I kidding? His actions speak louder than words. I'm not worth fighting for nor keeping his family.
What triggered all that? I found out one of the kids has been unwell but he didn't tell me. When I challenged him he said he was expecting the kids to tell me, while saying that he walked away. I also found out that my kids during their holidays with their dad have been looked after by loads of people except him! Also found out he has taken some time off to take OW away for her 40th, but never done anything like that for me!
I know I emotionally reacted but I need closure and for me it's with D. I asked him to file because I felt he was being disrespectful by keeping me hoping. I told him that he clearly didn't want to fight for his kids nor his marriage, that he will never be sorry for what he has done, and that his OW is so disrespectful by putting things on FB about the two of them when we are stil legally married! He looked shock when I said about the last item! Does he really think I'm that stupid? Anyhow I know it wasn't DB, but I need to get out of this limbo. I need to built my life again and being married is preventing me. I go on dates but I feel guilty because I'm still married. I know myself well enough now to know that D will be the ultimate closure I need as the door will be closed and no more being friendly! I don't want to become bitter, but I'm still young! I need to move on with my life and enjoy every minute of it, not thinking about him and what I could have done to prevent it! It's not fair on me!
Hi Rouky, I think there's no harm in a bit of truth now and then. The only thing I would say my lovely is don't rely on him doing something to bring you closure. He may file and he may not. I have learned to decide on my path and then do what I need for myself.
Also, do remember that if you are dealing with a MLCer, it isn't like a 'normal' marital breakdown. Most MLCers are in such a spin, it's hard for them to manage things in a decent and reasonable way.
Keep moving forward Rouky, you're doing just fine Sweetie xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Rouky I feel the same way as you about my H. I don't understand how the kids and I became so unappealing that he is willing to ruin everything. and I know I shouldn't put the kids in the same category as me, but what can I say about a man that is on holiday and has not bothered to call once? Madness in my opinion. However, we have no control over their actions. Like you, I am frustrated but all I'm trying to do is work on myself.
You will be ok darling, you will move on and you will be happy again (((hugs)))
PS-> I'm in the UK too
"There's nothing sadder than a conman conning himself"
“There is freedom waiting for you, On the breezes of the sky, And you ask "What if I fall?" Oh but my darling, What if you fly?”
Hi Rouky, I empathize with you and where you are at. As long as YOU know that what YOU need to completely move forward is D, then by all means do it. It's the Rouky show now, right!? We've all said it before and I think it's worth repeating here, but given the opportunity would you choose to love him again? I know you still do have feelings there, but would you and could you? While leaving behind all the hurt and resentment? I go through this myself and while I completely understand that the MLCer is in turmoil, they are still human and sometimes need to be accountable for their actions. Not punishing of course, but really recognizing that it's time to let you go and if he won't file... Then it's time to set yourself free.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Thank you Sotto and Esame, the more I interact with H the more I realise that probably H isn't in MLC but it's an exit affair as he didn't want to look bad by leaving his family ( just a reminder that he left his 1st partner and his 4 years old child). I'm wondering which one is the worse looking bad for leaving again or leaving because of betrayal. Anyway it doesn't matter now, what has been done is done, I just need to move forward.
I'm also doing a bit of clearance amongst friends, i might sound harsh but I have a couple of friends who really helped me (they got cheated on too!), but now each time we are in touch texts or meeting up we end up talking about our H, and not in a positive way. I always feel drained, down and angry. Unfortunately I don't want this in my life as I have realised that I have been a very pessimistic person for maybe 25 years of my life, and it's toxic. This has contributed to the end of my marriage and if I don't address this issue, I will find myself in the same situation I am now in 20 years! I don't want this. So I'm taking a step back with those people. I do feel bad for doing it, although it hurts me and now I need to nurture myself.
I have also noticed that when I don't see H when he is supposed to see the kids (like today a no show), I don't think so much about it. When I know I'm going to see him for kids' handover, I'm winding up myself and that is not good! I need to learn how to let go and this is the hardest thing to do. I will eventually get there at my own pace.
Rouky you sound low. I read somewhere that exit affairs and Mlc are different but to all intense and purposes an affair is an affair. Your husband chose to deal with his issues by cheating on you and your children....it is wrong. He has to live with his guilt.....not you.
With regards to the kids he sounds lime my h....thinking he has some sense of entitlement...he doesn't. He walked away, he chose to Disney dad and with that he lost certain privileges of being a proper father....chin up
Hi I hear what your saying about the friendships that seem to be draining and the conversation goes negative.. I agree and although its hard to let go of people, Ive always noticed that as I evolve, my friendships seem to as well Ive also noticed that even though a friendship seems like a good fit for a long time, suddenly- it starts feeling weird..I have that going on right now with a long time friend- we don't seem to connect anymore and Its hard to understand-- I guess we have to trust our gut and if we keep getting the same messages about a certain situation, we can take action I don't believe in totally ending friendships, but maybe just keeping the door always open and moving on in another direction..less time spent with the old friend--much of the time it is mutual as they sense it too
Its hard to know if our H are in MLC or just unhappy..either way its probably unhappy with themselves, not that we didn't contribute to the demise of the M..But I think the success rate of 2nd M is less that the first and affairs even less
Take care and enjoy the long weekend!
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Another interesting day. Now I'm dreading meet up with H, I can't do it anymore. I had a couple of asthma attacks last night. Today got back from work and my dog was having a fit. I panicked, took him to the vet, let H know about it and he agressively accused me of wanting to put down an healthy dog. Since I have moved house he has been having regular fits, and I can't take him for walks anymore as he collapses on the pavement. I did mention to H that we need to consider this option about a week ago.
I don't want to put my dog down but it's really hard to deal with the dog (when he is I well as I give him all my attention), and my kids at the same time. H made me feel like a piece of cheese in front of my kids because I was crying and according to him I was over reacting! He said that I always see the negative side of things. I'm trying to change but I'm exhausted with this whole situation. One day I want to save my M, one day I don't! Seeing H so regularly is slowly killing me. There is no other alternative as his family leaves on the other side of town and dropping the kids to them won't be fair. I don't know what to do. I want closure one way or the other.
H said if vet finds that the dog is fine he will have him full time. I don't want my dog to play happy family with her and her kids! The dog is sleeping with my every night and he is my companion, but I have to realise that it's too much hard work for me now that he is unwell.
I am sorry about your dog. Pets are a member of the family.
Asthma attacks are very serious. It is understandable that you are exhausted and not feeling up to par with all the decision making.
Rouky - This is tough and you have friends here. You'll work through things. You don't have to figure it all out today. Children don't expect us to be perfect. Let them know you were really feeling unwell and that when people are recovering from things like an asthma attack they are often times emotional. It is honest and we all cry. It is good for them to understand that we all have rough days.
As for drop off and pick up can you meet somewhere neutral? If you do a quick exchange in neutral space (like the grocery store lot) then you can keep it short and civil. Is it ideal? Maybe not but it is easier on you and the kids and it keeps the focus on the business of life rather than this rollercoaster.
Hang in there. Allow yourself time to rest and renew before admonishing yourself - you are just doing the best you can.
M:25 years at BD w/ 2 daughters BD: 5/14 Separated 6/14 - H moved cross country w/OW D Final 9/17
“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” ― Maya Angelou
What about hiring a high school kid to babysit for 45min or so to do exchanges. That way you get some calm time, don't have to see H and can focus on you.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Didn't think that life could have throw some much cheese at me. In the last 18 months I had to face infidelity, the break up of my marriage, sell of my house, my mum's cancer surgery, my dad's heart surgery, nearly homeless (thanks to the bank which couldn't do its job properly), and while I was on the mend my beloved dog health deteriorated within 2 days so much that he had to be put to sleep.
On top of that had to deal with H who was accusing me of wanting to kill our dog. Had to have the vet to ring him to tell him that it was the best option. We sent our dog to heaven today and took the girls to say their final goodbyes. H shouted at eldest why are you crying for? H broke down in tears when dog went to sleep. I hold H in my arms like I would have done with a friend. I asked himself if he was ok. H stayed in my arms for a couple of minutes, then left without even asking if I was ok and let me deal with the payment as he asked how much would it cost to have him cremated. I replied to him that it wasn't about the money now! Honestly that guy will never see to amaze me. He also turned up with the necklace his OW bought him ( but he wasn't wearing it when I saw him on a day ago). BTW the chain got broken by me in January! Now I guess I need to carry on moving but I really can't see how life is going to get better.
I am so sorry about your dog. Pets are like family and I'm sure all of you were upset about having to send him over the Rainbow Bridge. He was there when all of this mess hit and I'm sure he loved all of you unconditionally, just as you loved him.
You've had a lot of stress over the last 18 months and it appears that when it rained, it poured. I do hope that things will now settle down a bit for you.
Breathe! Don't forget to stop along the way and smell the beautiful flowers that are still blooming out there.
My thoughts and prayers are w/you and your family.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm so sorry to hear about the difficult decision you had to make about your dog. They truly are unconditional companions who strive to make their owners happy. I'm so sorry that you and your family have to endure that loss amongst all the other hardships you've had to face.
I pray that things settle for you and you get some peace soon, Rouky. You've certainly endured a lot. I'll be thinking of you.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
Rouky, I'm sorry to read about your lovely Pup. That must have been so hard for you all (((hugs)))). I also had to decide to have my lovely cat put to sleep last year - she had been with me for almost 21 years and started to have regular seizures, which was distressing to go through.
For me, after grieving for a little while, I was happy that she had a long and healthy life right up to when she died and I truly believed it was kindest for us to put her to sleep.
At times like these, it is evident how difficult it is for the MLCer to deal with pressure and the pain and emotions of others. I found it interesting to read what your H said and I do think his reactions illustrate the point I make.
I'm sorry this has been such a rough time and hope things settle down for you soon my friend. Take care xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Another day and another hit on the chin. Do you believe that some people are just born to experience a miserable life? My mum today had the courtesy to tell me that two days ago (bear in mind that I put my dog to sleep last night) that my dad had to go for some further marrow tests as his doctor is worried about something. My dad had leukaemia, got two transplants and no more can be done for him if the cancer is back! While I appreciate her honesty ( a long time ago I told her that she shouldn't hide my anything from me because she hid that my granddad had cancer), I only wished she had waited for the results (positive or negative) to mention it to me not the day after I lost my dog! Anyway I believe that God is testing me because although I'm really sad for my dog (and cried a lot at work today), I got home and didn't feel so bad. All his belongings have been put in the bin (I don't want another dog), and I'm at peace with it. I know I did the right thing. For my dad I'm sad but the results aren't here yet so why worry about it! Once they are here I'll deal with it. I can't explain why but I have a feeling that God is pushing me to let go of H. I don't know how to express myself but I think he is throwing all this at me to 1) show me that I can detach/ or put things into perspective and see the whole picture (re dog/ my dad); 2) to show me that I can do the same with H and that if I can do it for the person/ animal I love the most I surely can do it for H! I had to text something to H regarding our dog (his ashes) and I informed him about my dad. He replied but I'm not interested in reading his reply.
Nothing significant since last post has happened but I thought I would write down my thoughts so I have a record of it. I haven't seen H since we had to put to sleep our dog a week ago & I'm feeling better. At the moment i'm reading a lot of book on spiritual healing. This is something that I have always been interested in but never fully did it as H thought that it was none sense!
The good thing about this break up is that today since my arrival here I didn't think about H, I really enjoyed my work and had loads of fun there. Today I saw a glimpse of who Rouky really is and that feeling was priceless.
I still pray to God, MIL and now my beloved dog, but no more about saving my marriage but about helping me become a better woman. Looking back H and OW have a lot more in commun than him and me ( I think the cultural difference took its toll on us). If he is happy than who am I to wish him not to be? I wished he would have been happy with me but I wasn't meant to be.
I'm still dreading meeting him as not seeing him lately means that I don't focus so much on him. I see him every other day, but for some reason this week it wasnt the case. I have noticed that I heal better and faster when I don't see him physically.
I won't push to say that I'm happy as Larry eveyday but for me minimal contact does me wonder. I'm carrying on with my life: work, kids ( even offered to help with one of my kids activity), reading. I miss having a companion to share things with but looking back H would forbid me to talk about my job and in the end for now it was like back then but the difference is that I don't have to be on eggshells all the time and watch what I could or couldn't say.
I have also stop all contact with my friend after a final rude comment a day after I lost my dog. She was there for me when I went through all of this, unfortunately she is stuck in anger, resentment and that was dragging me down. So I feel like a weight has been taken of my shoulder. I know I should feel bad because she helped me but when her H cheated on her I was there for her, but now it's time to move on from her negativity.
I'm a very negative person and I'm trying to change this and the last thing I want is someone getting me stuck while I want to be free like a butterfly!
On the dating side, I'm talking with people but nothing comes out of it. The funny thing is I should be flattered to get some attention, but honestly I can't be bothered. Don't want to think that I'll be single all my life, but I do know that at the moment I'm at the beginning of becoming a butterfly and I don't want anyone nor anything jeopardise this. Also you might call me naive but I don't think using dating website is natural and I prefer to see where my life is taking me and take it from here.
I still hope that I will find someone to share my life with but not to the price of my own happiness. I'm the price and I should be treat as such. The more I stand back the more I realise H is incapable of loving anyone but himself. I feel sorry for OW who has expectations. I truly believe that he is an energy sugar as he took all the best out of me, did the same with his first partner and probably OW.
If I was to get hit by a bus tomorrow I can look back on my life and say every time I took a decision based on my best knowledge. I was always done all I could for everyone, and I kept to my morals and values which I can't say much for H.
Sorry for the long post but it felt so good to write it.
...What I found hard is even tough I know we had a great time I was struggling to feel really happy. It was only towards the end that I really felt at peace.
I know that feeling. I work hard to do fun things with my kids and we always have fun, but underneath, somewhere inside, there is always a certain level of sadness that we aren't doing all of this together as a family like we used to.
I am doing so much better these days than I was in the beginning, but I wonder if this is a feeling that will ever go away. I wish I could tell you that it does, but I am so unsure of that myself right now...
Originally Posted By: Rouky
...why did she had to go for a married man. She isn't bad looking and I'm sure she gets a lot of attention from men, so why my H?
I've have read so much about how the AP is similar to the MLCer... that they mirror something inside of themselves... I don't necessarily see that in my sitch. Instead, like you, I wonder "why my W?" The OW in my sitch (we are/were a same-sex couple) is 20 years younger than us and could easily have found someone her own age because she is very attractive and very intelligent -- and from a different country which means it would have been so much easier to just find someone closer to her geographically than to engage in the online EA which eventually became a PA (she moved here) with my exW. And yes, in my case the OW knew all about me and initially was told by my exW how wonderful I was and how much she loved me and appreciated me in her life... My exW's opinion of me changed very quickly as the EA progressed...
Most of us will probably never know why the OW/OM made the choices they made with regard to getting involved with our spouses. I doubt I ever will but in my process I have accepted that and just placed my faith in God (my personal belief) that this is all part of the plan and part of the paths for each of us individually.
So in your case, if you will never know the answer, ask yourself what you need to do to be okay with never knowing and to be able to move forward in spite of it.
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Sorry -- replied to an earlier post... thought the forum took me to the most recent post... Ooops... Ignore my previous comments if no longer relevant... :-)
Very sorry to hear about your dog :-( We lost two pets not long after BD and that combined with the death of my exW's step mom (catalyst for major MLC), the BD, and having to eventually tell our kids we were splitting up made for a horrible 12 months of loss in ours and our kids' lives. **hugs**
Me 48, Her 50 (Same-Sex Couple) 3 Children Together: 9.5 years before BD BD: Week of 10/27/14 ExW started EA w OW 9/2014 ExW married OW 12/2015
Didn't have a great night as I knew I'd see H today for kids swap, so I decided to stay in the house and clear of his way, I can't tell you how much more settled I felt by doing that!
Today has been a week since I took the hard decision to put my boy to sleep. I was blessed by a friend who send me a lovely text on dog. This friend is so caring and thoughtful that I know God put her on my path.
I'm becoming the Rouky I was before meeting H. When I moved house I kept all the photos albums, and in one of them I had pictures of my dog with H. I framed two pictures that I put in each of my kids' room, and one that I wrapped and gave to H. I did it over the weekend, and there was no hidden agenda from me. I genuinely felt happy to do it for H. I don't know what he thought about it and I don't care. I noticed that the last few years I had become a butch towards my H because I was unhappy, and I developped resentment towards him because I felt he didn't love me, didn't support me. I thought all this unhappiness would resolve by itself, but now I know better. I can clearly see my part in all this mess, and I don't want to ever again be that person.
I didn't know how to love my H, nor did he with me. I'm learning from this but not so sure about H. Now I know that I will always love him and I have to accept that it will never be reciprocated, and I'm getting fine with it. H was a part of my life where I struggled a lot and unfortunately he wasn't/ isn't in a great place either.
The only difference now is that I'm working on me and sorting out all the issues I had/ have one by one to become a better me. Sadly H hasn't even started his journey and I don't think OW is capable of supporting him in that. At the moment he is having his fun, although I believe that at one point he will have to face his demons and I'm afraid he won't have the tools I have learnt to cope with. I deeply feel sorry to him as his life was a mess when I met him, but now it's even worse for him. I honestly wouldn't want to be in his shoes right now nor in his mind.
I can pass away now, and with my hand on my heart I can say I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. Now I know what to show to my kids, and I wished I had known all about relationships and loving myself before I enter my marriage as I feel things could have been different!
I'm a loving, kind, compassionate person who lost herself and I know I have much love to offer but not to my expense anymore. H has really lost a gem (who was all along there but covered under a lot of dust), I have gained Rouky back and I'm slowly rebuilding my life. I'm feeling more the love of my friends around me and for the moment it's what I need more than a romantic relationship. I trust God that he has a plan for me.
I think there is a saying that says that when things are hard they carry on being hard, well I can relate to it tonight. Last night it was a week since I have put my dog to sleep and my mum announced me that my dad's leukaemia is back and that he's starting chemo next week!
Just to recap in the last 18 months I have gone through infidelity, end of my marriage, my mum's cancer, my dad's heart surgery, selling my house, losing my beloved pet and now this! I think I'm being tested on how much rubish I can take in such a short space of time, but you know what I'm finally understanding what detaching means. Last week I was sad for my dog, but knew it was the best thing to do for him, today I'm sad for my dad but it is out of my control. Now I have two choices: I can either go down to the self pity and negative road (the one that led to H's affair), or I can stay positive and see my dad has a chance to get better but if it doesn't work he would have lived his life to the fullest. The old Rouky would have gone down to road number one, this is no longer me, I'm looking at my life in a positive way. It will hurt but if it's his time to go then so be it. I can't control that.
On another note H has been showing sign of kindness. I haven't seen him physically for a week now and I'm much better, but he sent me a thank you text for the picture I gave him. I had to inform him about my dad health as it could have an impact on how I am with the kids but also so he is not surprised if I have to go back home in emergency so he can look after his own kids. Well he sent me a nice message. The beauty of it is that I'm not looking into it more than a friend being kind to me. If this is dropping the rope then I have found inner piece.
On a happy note I have felt happy, fulfilled, loved and satisfy with my life for the last two days and I feel so good. Can't describe it but it is a feeling I haven't felt before, and I believe God is putting me through all this to make me feel this and also to make me realise that my strength has always been there but never surfac because I was scared.
What a difficult but enlightening 18 months! You sound peaceful, or at least well on your way to finding peace. That strength that got you through the hard times really shows in your post. What an amazing amount of growth this crisis causes.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
This is a lovely post and you sound much more positive. You are stronger then you think. I do agree w/you about God and what he's putting you through right now. He wants you to dig deep for that inner strength and to know that no matter what happens, you will be fine.
Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just reporting. Had a not so nice night, but I was expecting it after the news about my dad. H is getting back to his old trick. He tried not to see his kids because he was running late and he wanted me to tell the kids. I told him that he could tell then himself. The funny part was that when I told him this, he said he'd be there asap! In the end he spoke to the kids and came to see them. Not long but he made the effort.
I'm saying this not to put him in a bad light but more for me to see how much growth I have done lately. The old Rouky would have let him do what he wanted because she was scared of what his reactions could be and was hoping that agreeing with him would bring him back. The new Rouky is finally emerging and I'm proud I stuck to my gun. This is for me to realise that I'm no longer a doormat and living in fear in thinking will this or that bring me closer to H! I'm proud of myself!
Rouky, that's a great accomplishment! You should be very proud of yourself!
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I agree! I'm very proud of you. What an accomplishment and see what happened when you wouldn't do his biding for him? He came over and even if he didn't stay long, he still was there.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Is it normal to feel jealous? I found out ( and at times wish that people mind their own business) that H took OW to a festival and is bying her presents. That is why I'm jealous because even we were courting and dating he had never done anything like that, and it hurts because now he is involved with his kids more than when we were together ( and I always knew he could be a good dad), and he is paying more attention to OW than when I was with him!
I don't like that because he has become who I think he was all along but with OW and I don't think that is fair. I gave him my everything and she is getting all I have only wanted from him. I have to keep telling myself that if he does this is because with his kids, he has learnt his lessons with his first child, and I guess for OW he has to keep her happy or he will think that he has had another failed relationships again! Why couldn't he be like that with me instead of her? I'm so not impressed! I feel that this is so unfair because OW is getting the best version of H. I always knew he could be loving and caring but why not with me!
Don't allow the green eyed monster of jealousy ruin your weekend. Sure, he's going to give the OW presents and do things w/her because that's part of the wooing process of the crisis individual. He's doing everything to look like the good guy in her eyes, even if she was in the wings waiting for an affair w/your h. I do understand how you feel, I went thru something very similar, but then I stepped back and thought about it and just chuckled because she thought she got a winner of a guy. Just remember...leopards don't change their spots and the habits of the h you knew will eventually begin to show.
As for the children, well, he's trying to prove to everyone that he's a great dad and is spending a lot of time w/the kids. This may very well settle down in time.
Rouky, it's not about you. It's all about him and this new persona he's got going on and wanting to look like a great catch. Please don't give it a second thought. You were and still are the prize...he just doesn't realize it yet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just having a why day today. I know it shouldn't be about H but I'm struggling with not having answers to my inner questions. This weekend is my weekend with kids but as I ask H if I could have the kids last weekend for a day he has them today. In a way I'm glad he has them, but I keep wondering why does he pretend to play the carrying dad while we are in this situation because of him? Why is he not behaving like he did with his first daughter? ( not seeing her much and not re-scheduled things). Maybe it's because he has learnt from his mistakes with his first daughter! Why did he ask to have the kids today when it is his child free weekend? Surely he would want to spend it with OW! He told the kids today that he was working yesterday, why would he work on his child free weekend? Why would he not want to spend the day with OW? When we were together at the beginning he would make a point of not working during the weekend (he was self employ!), now he is working for someone and earns a descent wage! So he doesn't really need to work at the weekend. Why can't he just enjoy life and appreciate what he already has: a good job, kids who love him and an OW who is in love with him?
My friend is saying that I should be grateful that OW isn't introduced to my kids, but in a way I want her to be so the kids can see why we are in this situation. I read a lot here about OW/OM being introduced but why my H doesn't do it? He has been dating her for nearly 4 years now, so surely she means something to him. So why won't he do it? He isn't showing any sign of wanting to come back to his family, so why not showning her to his kids and family? Also why won't he file for divorce? He doesn't want to be with me nor our kids, why not letting me go? I might sound selfish but why can't I be like him? Why can't I switch off my feelings? Why can't I lead a single life and only see kids part-time? Why can't I put things into boxes and shh my feelings? Why do I keep hoping that he will wake up? He hasn't shown any sign of coming back! And mainly why am I still focusing on him when he was never good to me. Could it be that I'm scared that I will be single for the rest of my life?
On the other hand I have arranged for a girly weekend next week. The sun is shining and I have been able to do loads of washing, and I'm getting ready to apply for a pay rise!
I hope that God has something good in store for me, but all the people I go out with are all older than me and have been single for more than 10 years and I have to admit that doesn't give me much hope. I'm on some dating websites but the people that I seem to attract aren't really nice ( not looking to be a friend with benefit!), or am I being too fussy?
Am jealous that H has been able to find OW in a natural way (kind of), while I have to resort to dating sites and I find this degrading ( sorry for those who are on them too!). Why aren't there any descent men out there who would want to fight to be with me. I'm going out and working on myself! At times I don't understand where my life is going and I'd love to have some guidance from the man above.
Rourky, I want to respond more in depth but I'm super busy with work but wanted to point one thing out.
OW is WORSE than the dating site guys. She IS a "friend with benefits" to your H. FOR FOUR YEARS! He has NO commitment to her, actually even a negative one as he has shown he won't divorce you or introduce her to family.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Hey Rouky! So many questions! I get it; I get to that point, too. I'm glad you're having a girly weekend soon and feeling grateful for sunshine, laundry accomplishments, and a possible pay raise. These are all good things. Find more of those (lift a rock or two)!
As for the "whys"...
My dad used to say, "the whys make you wise if you use them wisely". Silly, but true in a way. I'm going to have to add to that, however (sorry, Dad) "as long as it has nothing to do with the thought process of an MLC spouse". That doesn't make you wiser...its like a dog chasing its own tail. Spins you round and round pointlessly and only biting your own self in the end if you catch something. I hurt myself every time I do it and, even though I think, "A-ha! I've diagnosed his problem!" or "I understand now why he behaves this way!", it really does nothing to help the situation or those in it. We're basically guessing and the emotions it brings to the surface can really set us back sometimes (anger, sadness, despair, anxiety). Let's just say, they take the path that seems to them to be the easiest way to get out of pain...and they are in enough pain that they aren't thinking it all through. Like being desperate enough to resort to chewing your leg off to free yourself from a trap rather than taking the time to try figuring out how to release the trap? They see us as the problem. When we're gone, if the problem still exists, they're going to have an interesting time trying to figure out what the source is ...they won't immediately realize what it is so it will cause all sorts of strange behavior. Hang on for a really wild ride!
As for the dating sites, I guess you just have to be patient. I'm not D yet, but I signed up for a trial just to look over the "prospects" (LOL) and try to get out of my 26 year mindset of not even looking at another guy. At first it was depressing, but there have been a few that made me stop and go back to take another look. If I were to that point, I could see myself actually giving them a chance.
We have a lot to get over. A lot to move past. We just need to be very gentle and patient with ourselves...there really is no need to rush into a relationship to fill the empty space that H left. We should try to fill that with ourselves first. Having a connection to another should just be icing on the cake. Be patient, be choosy, and don't resort to being desperate enough to get out of pain that YOU choose to "gnaw your leg off". You are worth way more than that.
M-51 H-54 2D-27 and 25 M-26 yrs Bombshell and IHS 7-29-15 He moved out 10-3-15 D filed 1-27-16 D final 10-27-16
No matter how many festivals, presents are bought, etc. your h and OW have a story and it is not romantic. It's trashy. When people ask how they meet, just think about the answer! It is a "relationship" founded on lies and secrets. For FOUR years!!!
Look, I have a live-in MLCer. I see what this thing does to a person. I promise you, OW is not getting some great version of your h. She is getting a really, really bad version of your h--the opposite of who he was with you. And because he is so broken down, look what he's attracted! A woman willing to be with a married man. She has so little respect for herself that she accepts living her life in the shadows. No decent woman would involve herself in a situation like this. She is not worth one second of your time.
Sadly, in the state he's in right now, he's not worth your time right now either. Don't think about them. Focus on you and your kids. Look at the reality and realize you are the one who can hold your head up high, square your shoulders and be proud.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Rouky - I will confess that I'm not up to date on your sitch but just thought I'd drop off a few thoughts.
You are still very focused on your H and OW and their relationship. As I said I haven't read back to see if your H is currently engaging in other MLC madness or not so what I say might not be relevant. It would appear that you want your H back and are very jealous of OW and confused as to all of the "why" of this. I will admit to similar confusion in my own sitch. Some of the advise I've been given that I try hard to follow (and regularly fail at) is to let the MLCer take their own journey while you take yours. Someone else posted a comment for me if I remember correctly - "don't try to understand crazy".
For yourself, you seem to be wanting to enter into a new R yourself. Are you sure you're strong enough for that yet? I'm positive that you have a lot to offer because nobody who is here doesn't have a bunch of good qualities. As long as you're still attached to H, honestly are you ready for your own new journey?
Being a guy (I just checked ) and having practically no knowledge of dating sites you may want to do a "180" on that and think hard about what sort of guy you want to find and where they can be found. Are you looking for a guy who volunteers for good causes? Many mature single men do that. Are you looking for someone who loves sports and an active life? Life passes you buy if you sit still and trolling the internet for love, while it may work isn't the only way. My own daughter though met her H on the internet but it was through a chat group about a topic of mutual interest. They've just had their 4th wedding anniversary and are very much in love.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Thank you very much Twinmom, Ciluzen, HaWho and AndrewP. The more I read everyone else sitch, the more I realise my H doesn't do any of these crazy things that MLC people do. All I know is that we lost his mum tragically 7 years ago, my H got depressed but never though professional help. Yes he told me he wasn't well, but would later told me he was fine and carried on being happy. When I finally made the appointment to the doctors, he never returned their call for a meeting. Then he blamed me because I should have gone with him! He didn't make the appointment with the counsellor. His sister did make an appointment for him and went with him for the first one but he dropped going there two months later. Yes I blame myself for not seeing how bad he was because he would say that he was fine and to be honest at the time I was dealing with a toddler and a newborn and was back at work full time. Yes I regret not helping him, but I also hate him as he never helped me and was going out a lot despite me asking me not too! One of our common friend told me (he has known H since he was a teenager) that H was always selfish!
As for the OW I don't think she has a bad version of H because he does a lot with her than he has ever done with me, but then again when we were together we were struggling financially, whereas now we both are better off financially!
AndrewP I think you are right I still love my H and I'm honest if he was to tell me that he has made a big mistake I'll take him back! This is what I don't understand and I think I'm in denial because he isn't showing any sign of wanting to come back. I haven't seen him physically for two weeks now as I feel if I don't see him I'll be better and if he doesn't see me, he can't blame me for anything. Honestly I don't know how to behave with him. I'm not consistent I have tried the friendly approach but it is hurting me a lot as I have hope, so I'm hoping going dark will help me move on.
For the dating, I have been to few dates but nothing serious as I don't think I'm ready, I just see it as an ego booster and yes I am worried to be single for the next 40 years of my life (I'm only 41!). AndrewP I can guarantee you that I will not jump into another relationship (although I have been single for 18 months now!). I had the opportunity but decline it. I'm hoping that going out will allow me to forget about H and that I will find someone who will help me to forget H and treats me better than H.
It is very difficult to help someone in depression. A depressed person has to recognize that something is wrong with him/her. Do not blame yourself because of course he would have gone through a grieving process when his mother died. But his seeking the company of another woman while married is not your fault, rather, it demonstrates his poor coping skills.
And when I say OW is getting a "poorer version of your h," I didn't mean in financial terms! I meant a poorer man in emotional and moral terms. The money, to me, has nothing to do with him being a better version of himself.
If you do the reading on affairs, he feels so bad about himself/things that he turned to OW to make him feel better (a band-aid). Because he is so broken emotionally (plus he is married!) he can only attract a certain person. That pool of women is not good. That's why they all affair down.
I am also 41. So I understand how you feel. As for the dating, it's tricky. If we aren't fully healed we probably won't be attracting the best quality person. And if we do meet some wonderful person, we may not be ready as we ourselves are still healing.
The question is how do you begin to rebuild yourself in a healthy way?
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I STILL have a random "why" question every now and then. It's normal, don't beat yourself up over it.
This is what my H has said about his actions.... ....everything was easy, I didn't have all the stress and responsibilities like I did when we were together. When I went to her kids baseball games it was because I wanted to be with her. She was always so happy and stress free, she never asked me to do anything or complained about anything I did or my family did. It was all good because it was new.
So basically they didn't have a "REAL" life, they lived an immature irresponsible fantasy life. My H doesn't have the coping skills to deal with real life. (He also has addiction issues, not drug or alcohol but 'love/lust/sex')
Your H and the OW are still living the fantasy life because there is no commitment and daily stress. I'm NOT saying to do this just IMAGINE... if he had full custody of the kids & he was responsible for mortgage/bills/household with OW like he was with you. That fantasy life would end REAL quick and then would either of them have the relationship skills to cope? I don't think so.
My H didn't go through a mid life crisis, he has other issues but I have been able to ask him things like "why did you treat her so much better than me?" Having some of these questions answered has helped but honestly it's still hard to accept.
Why don't you try setting some daily & weekly goals?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thank you Twinmom, in what your H said it feels like it's word for word what my H feels. Can't believe how much anger H has against me! Wouldn't want to be in his shoes because he has hatred towards the mother of his first child, and now towards me. It must be energy consuming for him. All this started because H asked if he was meant to see his kids tonight because he had them yesterday!
Honestly what kind of a father asked if he is meant to see his kids! I replied telling him that I would leave it to him to decide if he wants to see his children or not. Then he replied angrily saying that he didn't fancy driving all the way to see the kids if I had plans ( bear in mind that he leaves with OW, who is in the same town as me!).At that point I was laughing because it's a school night and for the last 18 months I don't have anything planned on Mondays because it's when he sees the kids. I replied that there is no need to be aggressive and that maybe he could chose his wording more carefully next time as it comes across as it is a chore for him to see his kids. I didn't have any expectations of him to turn up ( as when he has them on the Sunday, he never shows up the following Monday despite him asking to see his kids every Monday in the separation agreement!), but he did turn up. I know it is all again centered on my H but I'm proud of myself because I gave him a truth dart (something I'd never have done before because I'd be watching what I was saying in case he'd want to come back) and I wasn't scared to do it! Each day (even with wobbles), I'm getting more confident in standing my ground with H. You could hear in his voice that he isn't happy. My kids were happy to see him because I didn't tell them that he was coming, so it was a good surprise for them.
On a positive note, my boss congratulate me for my exams results as my students have achieved a grade higher in my subject than all of their others subject. So despite my personal life being in turmoil I was still able to deliver more! I'm so proud of myself as it's a proof that I'm stronger than I think I am.
I know it's going to be a long road for me to heal as deep down I still want H back but I'm also discovering who I am and realising that I'm stronger than I think I was. Twinmom, I think you are right and I need to set myself some daily and weekly goal. Thank you everyone for your support here.
Had a laugh with my IC about H. I explained to her both incidents of him asking me to tell kids that he won't come and decide for him if he wants to come and see his kids. She made me understood that his anger towards me was because I was standing up to him, that I was making him responsible for his own choices, and that he no longer able to blame me for his actions.
We also carried on talking about how much progress I have made since I stated working with her nearly a year ago (despite having some relapses), and where I am now if H decides to come back. I told her that I'm still in working progress, whereas H hasn't even started to work on his own issues to become a better man. So I am ahead of him, and he looks like he will probably never catch up with me. She added that I sounded so much more positive, but mainly in my comments to her she could see that I have started to love myself. It was so nice to have her giving me such a great compliment.
IC said that H was treating OW differently than me but it doesn't necessarily means that he is happier. Also his actions of not introducing OW to our kids could be an indication that OW isn't that great nor the love of his life. If she was she'd have been in contact with my kids.
She also added that it was normal that I feel sad considering all that is happening to me at the moment. Today I feel at peace and happy.
I am quite a lot annoyed with H, he is now playing the devoted dad whereas when we were together he would hardly spend some time with our kids. The kids came back saying that they like going to their dad's because they go to bed later than with me and he is backing cakes with them! I'm like WTF? He never did this when we were together!
I'm feeling it's not fair as he is becoming the dad I know he could be expect that it's without me! Also he turned up very late last night to pick up kids and I texted him asking next time to let me know when he would be late as I had plans, and when he turned up he was angrily asking the kids to hurry up to get their things as I had to go! To be fair I didn't appreciate being blamed that the kids had to rush because I wanted to go out, while he was in the first place running late.
I don't understand why I'm jealous! I know I see a glimpse of who he could really be but it will never be with me. This really s@#ks!
He's a Disney dad and is trying to look good not only in the children's eyes, but everyone's. Trust me, this type of behavior will eventually go by the wayside. He knows that the children will come back and tell you about this and he also knows it will annoy you.
Others have experienced the same thing and eventually stopped. Wishing/hoping's posts came to mind when I read your posting today.
Don't allow the green eyed monster of jealousy get to you. It's not worth it. Just be glad he wants to be Betty Crocker for a bit. LOL!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If he tries to blame you for something/make you look bad in front of the kids try this..... Put your hand up like a stop sign, tell him word for word "STOP, we both know the truth and it's disrespectful to both of us to lie."
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
I love it! That's a very good idea and it will stop him in his tracks! No additional conversation necessary.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Wow Twinmom that's great. I'm gonna use it. I can see how affair start. A brother of one of my friend (married) has been becoming close to me and it's making me feel uncomfortable. Big Red Flag! So I told him that I respect his wife and will not talk to him anymore. He says that we weren't doing noting wrong as we have known each other for a long time. I said true but when you share private info there is a big problem.
I'm proud of myself because I listened to my guts, I am lonely at times and have enjoyed talking to him but not to his wife's expense. Maybe being cheated on made me more sensitive, but I have always says I ain't getting involved with a married man, and I'm sticking to my values. I am feeling relieved because I know I have done the right thing, and it also proves what strength I have. I could have easily got involved with a married man. Yes I'm lonely and like his attention, but I'm not betraying my values. This shows that if you are an healthy person you can make the right decision.
I make me feel better comparing to my H's OW as I'm better than her ( i know I shouldn't talk down about people), because if she was healthy mentally she would have realised that what she was doing with my H was wrong. I do briber that if you want you can stop an affair happening, she didn't. In fact it says a lot about her and her values. If H is happy to have a woman who has no values nor self-respect, than they are probably a match made in heaven.
i am proud of you for following your gut to keep your core values in tact.
you never know, maybe there was something brewing between you two...maybe there wasn't. you took the steps you felt necessary to prevent things from going any farther.
I do think that the experiences we have all been through and the times on these boards have made us more aware of certain dynamics.
Even if my posts might involved H, I have decided to report on how I deal with a situation involving H.
Today was the first day I physically saw H after going dark for 2 weeks, and to be honest I was annoyed as when I don't see him physically I'm a lot better. Anyway after going over this annoyance, H tells me that he can't have kids one weekend, then gives me the dates he is going away! A full week (so now I know why he didn't take a week off with his kids), and I was annoyed and my heart felt tight because he is going away with OW.
Then he proceeds to tell me where he is going. Honestly do I really need to know that?. I said good on him. Didn't ask if OW is going or not but it seems unlikely because he is going with his team mates and most of them won't go with their wives. Anyway H asked to swap weekends, I have no problems with it, then carry on telling me that he will organise a birthday party for our kid before he goes on holidays and even told me when he'll give the presents. This was really weird as I have organised a party for kids but haven't informed him about it as, as far as I am concerned he doesn't want to be part of this family.
I'm not lying saying I didn't understand his needs to give all those details and was jealous as now he has really step up as a father ( just wishing he had done it while with me). It only took me 10 minutes to dwell on it and then I moved on.
AND this is my ACHIEVMENT as I didn't let it consume me like it would have done for the rest of the day. I'm proud of myself for this.
I am very happy to read that you let it all go. I think it's the guilt eating at him and that's why he had to tell you where he was going, etc., i.e., just like a teenager has to over elaborate on things to parents when they know that they are possibly going to be doing something that is considered a no no. I'm glad you didn't allow this stuff to take up more room in your head.
I hope and pray that he continues to step up to the plate and be a good father and remains attentive to their needs, etc.
Enjoy your weekend!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm having a great weekend. Tried some Mexican food, and this is a 180 for me as I don't like spicy food. It was good despite my palate needing a bit of adjusting to it!
Spending time with my friend is so good as we tried to put the world to right when we see each other! So funny at times.
I have also decided to do a clear out in my life: I have distanced myself from negative people and now I can see new people entering my life with different skills to offer to help me heal. Reiki is going so well and I'm so receptive to it that my friend wants to train me for it. I feel so humble, and grateful that she thinks I can do it
Last but not least I have deleted all the posts, photos on my phone that were related to the pain of being betrayed and replaced them with happy quotes or happy thought of the day! I have (finally) realised that all this was keeping me midway in my hole, and I feel it's time for me to reach the end of the tunnel. I have accomplished so much in the last 18 months and I can feel that I'm breaking 40 years of negativity. It's not easy everyday but I'm ready for it.
My friend asked me if my H would come back, would I take him back. I replied that I love him although I'm not too sure.
Hi Rouky! Glad to hear that you had a great weekend! Removing negative energy or depressing memories is very reinvigorating! Good for you! I'm personally doing a lot of purging of physical items myself. It feels good but the process itself is overwhelming.
This is a tough journey, but I sense you are on the verge of emerging out of your tunnel as a new Rouky full of life and spirit!
Enjoy the rest if your day
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
I'm not saying I'm happy on how I came to start this journey, but now looking back I'm glad I was forced to take it.
I have been so pleased for my kids today as they have seen their grandad (they hadn't seen him for 5 months), more to the point is that H took our kids there. Just a quick reminder H hasn't spoken to his for the last 3 years. I'm genuinely pleased that H put his pride aside and reconnected with his dad.
I have no expectation of H coming back despite him reconnecting with his dad. I'm just pleased that they have amended things and more happier that my kids are able to see their grandad. Still a bit sad that I'm no longer part of the family (only on paper now), but I'm carrying on with my path and see where it's going to lead me. I absolutely feel emotionally stronger lately. Hoping it will last
Having few ups and down lately and it really starting to annoy me. Had a really great girly weekend. It was so nice to catch up with my friend. Wish I could have stayed longer as was supposed to get kids early ( but H brought them back very late).
I know I do mind reading but recently H has been earlier to pick up kids but also has been later to drop them off (mainly when it's his weekend!). Surely if he wanted to be with OW he'd do like at the beginning bringing them earlier!
When I said I'm annoyed is that I'm getting better eveyday but it feels like God is reminding me that I'm still married. Kids wanted me to talk to H about something that I have discussed with her several times as well as him. I was annoyed because I had spent 2 weeks without physical contact, and I have to go back to square one! Also H texted me about what he is going to do with the kids on his days. I went WTF is that, because as far as I'm concerned it is his time with them and he does as he pleases him, where was the need for him to tell me this! I don't tell him anything about what I do with the girls when it's my time, so why does he believe I want to know about his!
He is happy with his life, mine is getting better and I'm in a healthier place, so it feels like going backwards again and to the pain when H contacts me for futile things. He has chosen to be with OW instead of his kids and me, so why can't he just assume what he has done and disappear from my life (well to a certain extent because we have young kids).
He is trying to keep that last string of attachment to you. He doesn't want to completely let go of the past but is trying to also live his fantasy life. I had a VERY hard time with my H texting me/calling almost every day for RANDOM things. Like we were friends or something while he was living with OW. A few of the vets had me "teaching" him when/how to contact me. It helped to detach for me. I would ignore all texts & calls during the day and respond at night in a thorough email that addressed everything relevant.
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Had a rough couple of days but after that I feel that I have elavated myself a bit more, like a bit more weight of my sorrow/ sadness has came off! One of my friend was really struggling with life in general but despite me being down and tearful I spend most of my evening last night supporting her. It is strange because before BD, I'd have listened to her and tried to give her advice but without real conviction from me, and I'd have definitely turn the table round back to my problems. Not this time, I felt true compassion and care for her, I was really able to put my sadness and be there for a friend.
I'm in two mind as I'm ashamed of myself ( for who I was before BD with H and kids, and let's face it a selfish woman who needed to have drama in her life to make her feel alive and have others noticing her), and at the same time I'm proud because I'm noticing the changes in me. I'm becoming more caring than I have ever been. Last night my friend needed me, and i was there for her. This is a great feeling to be able to help someone.
Also I'm starting to realise that I deserve better. I'm applying for a payrise and ask a friend to help me. He has a job with a lot of responsibilities and was able to guide me. The funny thing is throughout the whole discussion, he kept being positive, praising and very encouraging; whereas last time I applied for payrise I was with H and he never helped me, nor offer one word of encouragement or praise. This was another eye opener on my marriage, a random friend was able to be supportive to me whereas my own H couldn't.
Now I believe that there are descent men out there, and I don't know if I express it well in English, but seeing how my friend tried to bring out the best out of me made me realise that H brought the worst out of me and that I deserve better than what H has offered me for a long time.
Does it mean I'm letting more of the rope go, I guess the answer is yes.
Just reporting back. Kids have been telling me what their dad has planned for them when he has then next. He is taking them to a theme park! I know I shouldn't be bothered about it but I am because now he is doing all the things I knew he was capable of but without me as part of the family. It really hurts, I have so long waited for him to put his kids and me first before his job and leisure activities. I feel it's not fair. I should be happy for the kids as he is so much better but it's sour for me as I feel i adequate and a bad mother! I feel that my kids truly prefers to be with their dad not me!
Also first time in ages that he isn't arguing with me regarding school expenses! Honestly why does it hurt so much? I'm nearly 19 months since separation and should be feeling better but my mind is in consistent conflict with my heart! I should believe that we are truly over (as his actions don't seem to prove otherwise, and I think he has me hoping because OW isn't near my kids, nor as he filed), but my heart says don't give up.
Don't understand why I can feel high and low a lot of time. My life is better as I go out a lot, I'm about to get a payrise and don't leave in fear of walking on eggshells, so why am I feeling this way?
I'm sorry you are having some ups and downs, i.e., the rollercaoster ride of emotions. I do understand how you feel and the reason you feel the way you do is that he's now stepping up to the plate and trying to be a father to your kids, something he's not done in a long time. It could be he's doing this to prove to you, the world and himself that he's a good father and wants his children to know this. It could be that he's playing a Disney Dad for a period of time and when the novelty of doing things w/them wears off, he may very well go back to the way he was. It also could be that he's acting out at the same ages as your children and he wants to be best buds w/them and what better way to play and have them wanting to be w/him...but to do fun things w/them. Doing things w/the kids could also be a way to ease his guilt for walking out on them. It will get old, but for the sake of the children, I do hope he continues to be a part of their lives.
You are hurt because he didn't do things while he was living w/you. They all do things like this and more after they walk out the door. We are not at fault for what they did or didn't do at that time. We could and can only control ourselves. As for being a bad mother, I don't see that in your posts. So, please stop putting yourself down. Stop and think about it...the only reason that your children prefer to be w/their dad is because he's spending money on fun stuff. I bet if they had to sit around at his place and watch TV or play outside, they wouldn't be happy little clams about that.
You, on the other hand, have to be both mother and father when they are w/you. You ensure that they have clean clothes, food on the table, get their homework done and are responsible for cleaning up their messes. You are providing them w/a stable home life and that's far more than Disney Dad is doing...going to a them park is fun, but when it's over, it's over and he can't continue to do this type of thing because eventually the kids will get bored doing this stuff, also money can only go so far.
So, Rouky, please stop beating yourself up. You are a great mother and no matter what you see or hear about what he's doing w/the children, at the end of the day, you are the one providing them a stable home.
Congratulations on the pay raise. Don't allow the green eyed jealousy monster to eat at you. You are right where you need to be and sooner than later, his life style is going to come back to bite him.
Last edited by job; 10/01/1605:12 AM. Reason: Added link to new thread
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
