My wife walked out 3

[RSG]

Thanks CBT. Up and down, up and down. This week is the perfect week to cut down on communication, not pickup the phone whenever she contacts and slow down. S is with my folks all week, so I can chill out.

Zeus, I'll hit a few things. Counseling is through her school, which is a private Christian school thus likely Christian based counseling. They'll help with depression and getting her head right, hopefully. My M is on the back burner, I want to make sure S has a competent mother first and foremost as horrible physical health makes an already cloudy mind even worse.

I've been working on me pretty well I think. I have figured out at least some of my problems within the marriage. 1: Every argument was like a football game rather than a chance to solve problems. Whoever got closest to the goal line won. It was more about defending actions than DOING anything. 2: Horrible communication. I'd explain something in what were obvious terms to me. I'd only do it once more, and if she still didn't get it I'd shut down and say I'm not repeating myself. 3: I had no idea of her love language. I just read the book and it is wonderful! She may be bilingual, but first and foremost is acts of service. Sweeping, cleaning out toilets, taking out trash when she asks for help. I fought whenever she mentioned, because I said I'd do it on my time, rather than recognize it was a symbol of love to her. 4: Listening and validating rather than offering advice. I was an exact scenario in the 5 LL book. When she didn't take my advice, I just complained and said she made her own bed when all she wanted was me to hear her pain, validate and sometimes love on her. 5: Not react in physically negative ways when she wanted to discuss something. For me, the ACTION is all that matters not the reaction. Doing something that stinks (taking the car for service, putting something together, scheduling appointments, cooking when I'm exhausted, etc) but needs to get done is what I ask for. For her, my negative reaction just made her feel worse.

Those are all things I recognize now and have been working on as much as I can. 180s? I'm trying to be a lighthouse. I'm being friendlier and more outgoing. I don't get enraged in traffic. I listen and validate. I shaved off my beard, which I've had since I met her. I put on cologne all the time. I don't initiate contact, and try not to be the fixer. I clean the house regularly. I don't offer advice. They're all a work in progress, and I slip occasionally, but those are the main things so far.

I'm thinking about going to see a therapist myself pretty soon. If things get much weirder, I'm def going to need a professional outlet....

[RSG]

Oh me oh my. I get to reading people's "piecing" threads and wish I were there.

Anyway, today: She rings right when I get to work, she asks about S incident at pool July 4th and then has to hang up. He pooped in the pool, freaked out because he had to leave and my Dad told her I handled it well.

I text around 2 to say car tag is paid, she says thanks, then asks about how S is doing with my folks. My Mom ends up sending us both pics and talks about his day.

About 8 she calls and I don't answer. Facetimes a little later, and I pickup outside. She asks if I've said goodnight to S, and I haven't yet. She asks where I am. I'm at O'Charleys hanging out at my buddy's bar again but I lie saying I'm having supper with a meetup group. "Great, I'm proud of you. One day I'll get out." We small talk for another minute, and I make sure to hangup first.

I forgot to ask about counseling/clinic and we end up having this text conversation:

Me: BTW almost forgot did you do therapy or clinic?
Her: I have to set it up, but I will.
Me: Oh ok. I worry a little about you for S
Her: I'm fine, I'm just overwhelmed sometimes by all my decisions.
Me: Right
Her: You being mean?
Me: No. Just don't know what to think sometimes, just try to roll with the punches.
Her: I just talked to him (S) via Facetime, I think he was watching Wally Kazam.
Me: He likes that show, now he likes Teletubbies too (Yikes!I wish he didn't, but he's so sweet when he watches it lol) Are you just in your room?
Her: Yeah why?
Me: Curious. You just seem content most of the time.
Her: I'm gonna go to the gym
Me: K


Weird. Quite certain the gym thing was just an excuse to stop talking. It was at least 8:30. Oh me. I know I'm not detached, but I no longer feel sorry like I have. The other day we were talking about a mutual friend. The girl ran away from trouble with her boyfriend, stayed with family in South Africa, ended up getting drunk and having a baby with an old boyfriend. Then moved back to the States with the baby. Right now, she's having contract issues about her job for next year and the baby's Daddy is here. I said there's a lot of drama with her, and WW said yeah. I commented that I felt sorry for her, and WW just said she's made her own decisions. I figured she'd have a little sympathy for someone in a situation not THAT different from her own. And a friend no less.

So, the counseling I'm considering is a woman with a practice in my area who has written a book on healing from an affair and specializes in marriage/divorce. I may call tomorrow just get a little information.

[RSG]

Bump

[Coconut]

RSG, do me a favor, go back and read your last post as if someone else had written it. What would you tell them about the interactions they posted?

[MoveFrwd]

RSG, do me a favor, go back and read your last post as if someone else had written it. What would you tell them about the interactions they posted?

Im not RSG, but Im very confused by many things.

Me: BTW almost forgot did you do therapy or clinic?
Her: I have to set it up, but I will.
Me: Oh ok. I worry a little about you for S
Im having trouble understanding what you mean here. I mean....I get that you are worried. But Im having trouble why you are saying this here and now. Telling her you dont think she is doing a good job as a mom isnt a great way to go about things...

Her: I'm fine, I'm just overwhelmed sometimes by all my decisions.
Me: Right
Again. What do you mean by "right"? There are so many ways to read that over text. Sarcastic? Agreement? Non-commitance?

Her: You being mean?
Me: No. Just don't know what to think sometimes, just try to roll with the punches.
Again, this sounds strange to me. What are you trying to gain by saying these kinds of things?

Her: I just talked to him (S) via Facetime, I think he was watching Wally Kazam.
Me: He likes that show, now he likes Teletubbies too (Yikes!I wish he didn't, but he's so sweet when he watches it lol) Are you just in your room?
Her: Yeah why?
Seriously. Why are you asking??

Me: Curious. You just seem content most of the time.
Her: I'm gonna go to the gym
Me: K
Frankly, Id have stopped this conversation at "Oh OK"


I continue to think that pulling back is your best path forward. There is a lot of pursuit in that conversation and you can see that she didnt respond well to it. I think you guys are doing way too much talking and facetiming for people that are separated.

[Coconut]

ok, Darkness pretty much nailed it..

but in addition to that specific text chain, I worry that you are having way too much contact with her. I get that you have a child together, and that you feel the need to call at bedtime when he is with her, but now you two are calling each other and facetiming to talk about S when he's with your parents.. and was it really that important that you let her know you paid for the car tag? You two had 4 conversations in one day, that's more than I talked to my W prior to BD, and a whole lot more than I talked to her after BD, she was lucky to get 1 conversation from me.

Look RSG, I know it's difficult, I know that you miss your W and look for anyway you can to open some sort of communication, and it's your life and you get to do what you want. but your best chance of getting her back in the MR, of being a family again, is to back away from her.

[RSG]

It's been a long few days. I guess I just saw her broken down, and without knowing or feeling like it, turned into Mr Fix it again like I had always been with her.

Thanks for pointing this stuff out. And thanks to darkness for going point by point. I guess my only two defenses are 1: She wants to take S to Alabama for 5-7 days starting next Sunday. She's already stated she's uncomfortable with her parents taking care of S, as her Dad is a defacto 24/7 nurse (and terribly stressed out) for her Mom who is an alcoholic and has had terrible reactions in her brain. She needs constant looking after, or she'll likely die very soon. It's a little scary throwing my S into that, along with WW who is physically sick and mentally unstable. 2: Mr Fix it. I didn't even realize I was one of those people until the S began, but whenever an issue came up in our M I'd always be the one to make appointments, check up on it, see how it went, pay etc.

You'll be happy to no I've had no contact today, and won't answer the phone although I may answer texts late. We did talk way more than that when M, texting all day about any and everything and calling after work to talk about the day. I got my answer about therapy/doc, I just have to trust she's doing it. And if not, nothing I can do.

Yes, I do miss having my best friend. Although I see I CAN live my life well without her, take care of S without her, and be a good man without her....well you get it. I guess her breakdown is harder for me to take than I thought.

I got home early today to get my license renewed and get my emissions done. I'm walking the dog later, following up on some bills, doing some reading and trying to clear my head.

[RSG]

I stepped out to take books back to the library (I have since checked out Men are from Mars...) and get my emissions done. I left phone home to charge. I get back in an hour, I had 1 missed FT and 4 missed calls. I remembered we're bringing in paperwork tomorrow to preschool, and need to figure out when to meetup. She calls again, and I pickup.

She wants to shoot the bull about her day for a few minutes and I just listen. She mentions preschool, and I say we should get there around 5 and shes agrees. She mentions she got the therapy bill, and I just said to forward it to me and we can divide the payment accordingly. She mentions she's on the way to the gym and doing better, and I just said "oh that's good." It's like she was checking in with me. Asking me how much my tag costs, how long did it take to renew my license (I posted it on Facebook), etc.

I don't ask about anything, don't pursue, don't act overly excited. Basically I just wanted to get the info about preschool, because we need to get him signed up for the fall term ASAP. I'm not going to text any tonight, those 5 minutes on the phone were it. It feels like she's going full board for "friends" and I'm just not with it.

[RSG]

Well fellas, I'm convinced. I'm SICK of this friends crap. If she wants to be friends, we can work that out after a divorce.

"Immediately stop all contacting throughout the day. If there are any decisions that need to be made about kids, school, babysitting, pickups, etc,. Tell her to get it straighten out the night before and no texting him about details later. (He is not to explain that he is going NC, etc.) He completely withdraws his part of the texting, emails, and calls unless it is urgent. He is not to use the kids as an excuse to contact her. She needs to feel this loss. He is not being available at her fingertips."

That's it. I'm too available.

I've decided that I'm going to go to counseling. I'm calling the place I've been looking at and will setup an appointment. I need to talk to somebody, I need to do more than read books and post on here (although it REALLY helps). I need to explain the WHOLE situation to a professional, and have her interpret my feelings.

[RSG]

I'm going to make the call to the IC this afternoon.

First I thought I'd post this:

From yesterday around 4:45 through today at 8:15 she has called me around 8 times. 3 this AM, and I didn't answer. Then she texted to ask "what time are you leaving to get to preschool?" Don't know why this required so many calls, but I said "the normal time, around 4." She said she'd leave around the same time, and I said ok sounds good.

Two things:
1 - I know she's going to get to the preschool earlier than me, and will ask where I am. I'm going to use it as an opportunity to demonstrate (to MYSELF) I'm cooler about traffic and not freaking myself out. It's a specific example of "don't freak out about things you can't control." I've really been working on this, and I can feel the difference. It really affected my attitude when I got home, it was always under the surface even when I felt good having arrived.

2 - Is this what pursuit feels like? 8 calls in less than 24 hrs, to shoot the bull and ask 2 second questions? I can see why it's so unattractive. "OMG, her again?!"

I'm having a better day. With her making it a point to tell me, numerous times, she's going to the gym again and trying to "get back to who she used to be" I'm curious as to what she's going to say this afternoon. Not expecting anything (I swear! lol) just curious....