Pathway Change

[blueboy]

Thanks Biggbiz, I also keep all the DB forum members in my prayers!

My faith has become more important to me, and a help!

[Coconut]

Blue boy, piecing is tough, and the emotions you and W are going through are tough to deal with, but it sounds like you both are working through them. I sometimes feel hypocritical giving advice, because I bounce off the walls with my emotions, and have a tough time working through things without going to extremes, but just I don't do it doesn't mean I don't understand what I should do.

Anyway, as for your W being concerned you see her as tarnished, I can understand her concern there, she left your M, broke her vows and was with OM. But do you feel like the fact she was with OM is a deal breaker, or is it more likely the fear she would do it again is the deal breaker? If you were to end it, would you only look to date virgins because anyone else would be tarnished because they were had been with OM, there aren't many virgins out there.

If you can get passed the A, and start a new R with a woman has been with OM (have you been with other woman in the past?) and the fear is of her doing it again, let her know that. Let her know that it's a new R, that when you both had gotten together the first time you both had been with OP, and that's how you see it now. Tell her that what you need is to know that she has boundaries that she will live by, that she will communicate with you and tell you when something is missing in her life, that you see a future with her where you have a great R, and not one that you will through the past in her face and ruin the future.

Are you two getting MC, if not, I strongly suggest it, it provides a safe place to work through M issues, and makes sure you both are working with the same playbook.

It's a bumpy ride, take time of you need to process your feelings, let her know you need that time and put a timeframe on it so it's not open ended and she knows what to expect. Enjoy the present when you can, not every minute needs to be spent fixing things, sometimes you just need to live in the now that you have. Live, laugh, enjoy having her there, even if it's platonic at the minute.

[blueboy]

Anyway, as for your W being concerned you see her as tarnished, I can understand her concern there, she left your M, broke her vows and was with OM. But do you feel like the fact she was with OM is a deal breaker, or is it more likely the fear she would do it again is the deal breaker? If you were to end it, would you only look to date virgins because anyone else would be tarnished because they were had been with OM, there aren't many virgins out there.

If you can get passed the A, and start a new R with a woman has been with OM (have you been with other woman in the past?) and the fear is of her doing it again, let her know that. Let her know that it's a new R, that when you both had gotten together the first time you both had been with OP, and that's how you see it now. Tell her that what you need is to know that she has boundaries that she will live by, that she will communicate with you and tell you when something is missing in her life, that you see a future with her where you have a great R, and not one that you will through the past in her face and ruin the future.

Hi Coconut, you have hit the nail on the head, my issue isnt the fact she is tarnished, yes it hurts but I can get over it! It more the fear of her doing it again, I will to work and put it behind us!

Great post really help my prospective!

[blueboy]

Well, thing seem to be progressing Ok, W is being very open about her feeling and what has happen and the why she has acted.

She has stated she is will to do anything it take to sort out our R in a positive manner and is willing to do or discuss anything that makes me feel uneasy or not trust her, she continues to be transparent about where she going and what she does, and give me access to anything I need at any time!

I'm still finding it tough to deal with what she has done, the mind movies and the lies.

She actions seem to reflect her words, I suppose I just want to make sure I'm taking the right steps to improve things!

I still feel anger, but do not allow this out when we discuss things etc, am I missing anything!

[Coconut]

Blue boy, there is so much to piecing, just know the roller coaster ride continues, apply the 24 hour rule, wait that long before taking any major actions or making big proclamations.

It does start to get easier, you will start having more good days than bad, it takes time though.

I would suggest reading my thread, there is lots of good advice laid out, you could start at the following link or even go back a little further from there.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2681388&page=1

[blueboy]

Thanks Coconut, I've read you thread and Lim's a lot as your both a little further on than me. It's useful to have a insight to how other people cope with things.

How much time do you spend discussing your sitcom with your W, I'm trying to be careful to not let it take over life!

[Coconut]

We don't have R talks too often now, once or maybe twice a week at most. What I suggest is to make sure you two discuss "ground rules", some things I find useful are:
- set at least one day, time a week for a set discussion, limit to about 1 hour
- do not have R discussions on days that you plan fun days (make sure W knows it's a safe day)
- agree that when either of you get upset or angry you'll take a break
- if something small is bothering you, and you need to let it out, discuss only that thing, don't wander to other issues you think of.
- when something bothers you, try and figure out big picture issue, don't complain about every little thing that bothers you. I.E., if she doesn't let you know where she is, don't complain about that one time, instead let her know that while rebuilding trust it helps you to know where she is, and you would appreciate her giving you updates so you don't constantly wonder or have to ask.

When you just need time to process things and rest your brain, let her know. Tell her you'd like to take a day, weekend, week, whatever, to just live in the moment, to try and be natural with each other, chatting, laughing, whatever just happens when spending time with each other. I find it helpful to put a time frame and make her aware.

[blueboy]

One of my biggest problems is I'm a very tactile person, like to hold hands, cuddle, kiss etc!

Since we have been working on our R, I feel I'm become even worse and may be overpower W with it!

How do I get a balance?

Things seem to going well, W appear to be commuted to repairing and building a better M, with both action and words!

I find myself moving from positive, this is what I want to, to negative i.e I can't do this!

[Coconut]

As for moving back and forth from this is what I want, then going to I don't want this... Remember, these are feelings and they change, so don't act immediately, give it time... I would sometimes would go to the place of not wanting this for a week at a time, the path forward is not a straight line. When your feeling that way, it may be a good time to take a few days and just live in the now (again let her know).

As for the physical touch, if you feel like your always initiating, two things may happen. one is that you worry your smothering her, and second you may resent her for not initiating. Physical touch is my love language, and I felt both of those things. I brought it up in one of our scheduled R talks, I told her it would make me feel wonderful If she would initiate PT at times, and also tell me "too much" when I would overdue it.. She started initiating and hasn't said too much yet.

[sandi2]

Are the two of you attending counseling for healing after an affair? If not, you need to find a therapist who specializes in this ^^^^^. Do not leave it up to you and W to work out together. You need guidance while piecing.

As I wrote on Coconut's thread, when you enter into piecing, you have to adjust or eliminate some of the actions you might have done when she was wayward. You gradually increase time together, and you have a lot of family fun. Focus on those times together as positive times and doing things enjoyable.

When piecing, you don't want to be unavailable all the time. It's okay to initiate contact. It's fine to engage in a conversation. See what I mean? The main thing is to not smother her.

"Watching her", being with her too much, being clingy, and wanting to be touchy......seem to represent your need for assurance. However, these very things could be a real turn off for her. It depends on how she use to be about those things, and how bad wayward she became. For me, it was all I could do to breathe the same air as my H.......so those things would not have been a good thing at my house. Remember, she's going through a process, too.

I suggest you slowly begin the touches with non-sexual ones. Your hand slightly touching her arm as you reach around her or pass her in close quarters. Your hand laid on the top of her shoulder or your arm laid casually on one shoulder. Then you work up to touching the small of her back when she's going through a door in front of you, or getting in a car, those type of things. Another one is touching her elbow, and/or on her arm. Don't make a big deal out of it, just do what you would normally do these. When she seems comfortable with these non-sexual touches, then gradually start with just a little more personal type touching. The face is extremely personal, and touching her hair, hands, and legs. Don't do these all in one day or even a week. Read her body language and see if she tenses or quickly moves as if not paying it any attention.

Once you are sure she is fine with these touches......then you can probably get more intimate, if she seems open to it.

I think sex is like sealing the deal, for the LBH. Just don't rush it.