Detachment, anxiety and the end of limbo 2

[Phoebe]

Well, I know for certain that I am not in any position to be in a relationship. I have no doubt about that. I do need friends, and, for good or bad, I have always clicked better with men than women. My first best friend before I even started school was a boy, as was my second, and then again in high school there were more male close friends. I have worked on that and definitely enjoy and can be friends with woman, but it is just a little bit more complicated for me. I'm not sure I understand it, and it's probably something I need to talk about with my T.

I was definitely feeling anger toward my WH last night after talking with my L-biking friend about him, and that makes me vulnerable. Anger is way too closely tied to tears for me. Typically if anything makes me very angry, I burst into tears, which frustrates the heck out of me. Anyway, I was feeling anger toward WH, got a hug from L-biker, which reminded me again that I miss being hugged. I made it to my car and then commenced to cry the whole way home.

I slept poorly last night, too. Not really surprising.

So... today is a day I'll be spending with my Mom canning peaches, so I'd better get moving. We bought two cases of tree-ripened peaches and they are ready when they are ready, which is today, and not a single one will go to waste. We probably have about 50 pounds of them to deal with. They are so incredibly good, though, and I love seeing them in my pantry in the cold winter months.

Thank you for checking in on me, Sotto, and for your advice. I did look up entanglements, and I'll have to do more reading because I found conflicting viewpoints out there.

More later! I hope that everyone has a wonderful weekend.

[Phoebe]

Wowee! A 6.5 hour peach canning marathon kind of day. The day's efforts produced 47 pint jars of peachy deliciousness and two very tired worker bees. At 11;30 pm I sent my poor mother home to bed. I'm still working on a few cleanup tasks, but it's time for me to make my little evening commute, too.

I really enjoyed working with my mom tonight. Canning is so much more fun when you do it with someone else. We laughed and goofed around, and worked well as a peach-processing team, and we each will have plenty of peaches to tide us though until next year.

I hope that everyone is already deep in peaceful sleep and that I am the only person still awake at this silly hour.

[J5K]

Phoebe

I am still awake. Just came back from a wonderful weekend. I was able to celebrate my birthday with the boys.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

What a productive day! The peaches sound wonderful. I have done a little bit of canning but never at that level. Do you do mail order?

I hope your L friend turns out to be an uncomplicated R for you. You need good friends that you can trust and rely on. I know some men do take advantage of women in our situation, so trust your gut feeling and maintain your clear boundaries!

[Phoebe]

Oh no. I'm sorry to hear that I'm not the only lunatic night owl.

I'm very happy to hear that you had a good time celebrating with your little ones. Just having them with you must have made your birthday special.

Happy Birthday, by the way, JK!!!

[Phoebe]

Hey, Painter! You're up, too, I see, but that doesn't surprise me so much. You and I are both true night owls. I actually start to get my second wind most evenings around 11 pm.

I love canning. If I don't do some canning project every year I don't feel like myself, so this is a particularly affirming activity for me. I don't want there to be a feeling like I lived one life with H, and then a different life after he left. I need to find ways to repair the rents in the fabric of my life, and maintain a sense of continuity. Something as small as spending an evening canning peaches with my Mom is progress on that front. It's proof to myself that some things about me are still the same.

I also hope my L-friendship turns out to be uncomplicated, because I absolutely need reliable people right now. I'm going to talk to him about it in person, instead of using the email cop-out technique. If anyone knows the peril of email, it should be me. If anything, I worry about my taking advantage of someone else right now, and not the other way around. I've been through the wringer, and that makes people want to protect me and care for me. That means that I am not the only vulnerable party.

OK. Now I really have to head off to my evening roost.

[Painter]

Hi Phoebe,

I hope you had a nice day today! Did you celebrate with family?

I just installed filter apps on my phone and computer that will change the light values so the blue light from the screens won't keep me awake. It was a little late to figure out the effect tonight, but I will be curious what happens tomorrow. They are both timed to follow the sun so it's gradual and not very noticable.

It was past 3 before I fell asleep this morning, but the night before I wasn't on my computer at all and was tired and went to bed at 10:30. Could be coincidence, but I'm curious to experiment.

We took it very, very easy today. Took the dog for a walk and then picked up some meat to put on the grill. I ate about 1/4 of my lamb chop so I have plenty for a second and third dinner!

Hope you sleep well (me, too)!

[Phoebe]

Hey there, lovely Painter!

The 4th has never been a holiday that my family celebrated, so it was a typical weekend for us. I did have a busy day, though. There was plenty of cleaning up from the peach effort, and then I drove to meet my L-friend for a bike ride. After that he dragged me along to a local reservoir because he had the chance to go water skiing. I have to give it to him - he's really good at it, and it was nice to be on the water for a while. Then dinner.

I just got back to my farm and checked in on all my critters. It's been like Wild kingdom at night here lately. Yesterday when I headed out for my nightly commute I had a skunk checking out the yard and a gray fox kit. Tonight, gray fox kit's mom was barking and carrying on at me. She seemed a bit too acclimated, so I chased her off. Twice. Every time I stopped, she turned around and barked at me again. I say bark, but it's s really strange noise that's nothing like z dog bark. Anyway, just when I thought she was gone, I went back to the coop to close up shop, and there she was again, watching me and vocalizing/antagonizing. Apparently gray fox have no fear whatsoever, and neither do skunks!

Anyway, a kind of crazy day. Time (past time, actually) to get to my sleep zone, since it's 2:35 am. Good night!

[J5K]

Phoebe, Painter,

I can't even imagine how much pain you are going through that causes you to not sleep at night. I can only imagine now that my actions caused the same for my STBX. IDK maybe I was the emotional one in the R all these years. Just wanted to let you know that you are always in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you a quick recovery for more reatful nights and better days ahead.

[Phoebe]

Thank you, JK. Sleep was better for the last few weeks, but has definitely gone off the rails again. I'm taking a break from trying to sleep right now, but so far I managed to sleep from 3 am to 5:35, and woke up twice absolutely drenched in sweat. Awesome. Just tossing and turning and trying to get back to sleep, but it's not looking good...

I never did make it to my usual sleeping quarters. I was too tired to make that last little drive.

Ah well, back to tossing and turning. 2.5 hours of sleep will not cut it, so I have to try.